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The Gowanusians. 


HUMOROUS SKETCHES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE 
AMONG PLAIN PEOPLE. 


MAURICE E.^MeLOUGHLIN. 


Kllustvatet* 1)3? (t. (lloiiltausf. 


[Opy 


UruT-z. 


New York: 

EDMUNDS PUBLISHING COMPANY, 
114 Nassau Street. 


1894. 


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COPYRIGHT, 1894, 

By MAURICE E. McLOUQHLIN. 

^ ■ ' ,* . *■* 


V 


PREFACE. 


It’s no joke to write a funny book. 

That is, to write a funny book which everybody who reads 
it will think is funny. 

Some people have such a peculiar way of looking at things. 

What will cause one man to yell with glee, slap his leg and 
make such exclamations as “egad ! that’s great,” or “ By Jove, 
that’s immense ! ” will make another twist his face into a knot 
as though he had bitten into the core of a rotten apple, and 
exclaim “ rats ! ” or “ rubbish ! ” or something more emphatic 
but less elegant. 

The Irish race is peculiar in this respect. 

An Irishman is always ready to join in a laugh, even if the 
joke is made at his own expense. 

If you jest with a German about his nationality he grows 
indignant ; if you tell a Hebrew a story reflecting on the habit 
of acquisitiveness which is a peculiarity of some of his brethren, 
he scowls ; but if you tell an Irishman a joke about some other 
Irishman (or woman), no matter how far fetched it may be, 
he is always ready to laugh where the laugh comes in. 

To those who have read these sketches as they appeared in 
the columns of the Sunday “ Eagle , and who may be more or 
less disappointed because the romance of Maud McBrannigan 
and some other things have been omitted, I will say that I 
found it impossible to crowd them all into one book. 


IV 


PREFACE. 


If, however, tliis volume meets with a sufficiently warm 
welcome to warrant it, the other sketches, which form in them- 
selves a complete novel of life in Gowanus, will be issued. 

The pronunciation of the title of this work has been the 
cause of a good deal of discussion. 

I have heard it called about fifty different names, each one 
of which sounded funnier than the other. 

There is a proper way of pronouncing it, of course, but I 
don’t think I’ll give it away. 

Everyone is therefore at liberty to pronounce it to suit 
himself or herself, and in this way everyone ought to feel 
satisfied. 

If any of my readers, however, are in danger of turning 
gray from worrying over it they can have their minds relieved 
and the natural color of their hair preserved by addressing me, 
care of the publishers. 

To everyone who has spoken of these sketches, whether in 
praise or depreciation, is hereby extended the sincere thanks of 


Brooklyn, N. Y., 

July, 189-1. 


THE AITTHOK. 


The Gowanusians. 


CHAPTEE I. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Goes to Hear Paddy Eooshky Play the 

Piano. 

One day last week, as Mrs. McBrannigan was cleaning the 
windows of her front room, she saw Mrs. Mulgrew, the wife of 
the proprietor of the saloon at the corner, hurrying down the 
street, dressed in her very best clothes ; her black velvet bonnet 
was set jauntily on top of lier head and her bright broche shawl, 
the envy of every woman in Gowanus, was gracefully draped 
over her ample form. She carried in her hand a small chamois 
bag, such as are used by ‘‘ matinee girls’’ for holding their opera- 
glasses, and she had altogether such an air of importance that 
Mrs. McBrannigan made up her mind that Mrs. Mulgrew must 
be on her way down-town on some very important business, 
because, as a rule, Mrs. Mulgrew never wore her velvet bonnet 
and broche shawl except on Sundays and whenever there hap- 
pened to be a funeral in the neighborhood. 

Mrs. McBrannigan was not naturally of a curious turn of 
mind, but this proceeding on the part of Mrs. Mulgrew was so 
very extraordinary that she determined to try and find out what 
was the occasion which brought Mrs. Mulgrew out dressed in her 
Sunday clothes in the middle of the week. Strangely enough 
she met Mrs. Mulgrew the very next morning, in the butcher 
shop where they both dealt, and after a short discussion on the 
high price of meat Mrs. McBrannigan remarked in a pleasant, 
off-hand way : 

‘‘I obsarved ye yestherday afthernoon, goin’ past me dure all 
dressed up, Mrs. Mulgrew, Was it to a funeral ye w’ere goin’ ? ” 
No, indade, Mrs. McBrannigan, ’twas to no funeral I was 
goin’, an’ if ye wor guessin’ from now till Tib’s eve — an’ that 


6 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


conies, as ye know well, nayther before nor aftlier Christmas — 
ye’d not be able to guess where I was makin’ for ; so, to aise yer 
moind, I think I betther tell ye at wanst.” Then with an in- 
describable air of know-it-allness she added : “ I was down to 

th’ Academy av Music to hear Paddy Eooshky.” 

“An’ who in the name o’ goodness is Paddy Rooshky?” 
said Mrs. McBrannigan. Is he some play acthor ? ” 

“ Divil a play acthor is he,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew in a tone 
of disgust, “but the foinest pianny player in the world.” 

‘^An did yez enjoy it?” asked Mrs. McBrannigan in an 
inquiring tone, which was intended to draw Mrs. Mulgrew out. 

“Did I enjoy it? ” answered Mrs. Mulgrew warmly. “ Why, 
av coorse I did ; it was the foinest thing 1 iver listened to. My 
darther, Mary Ann, has been takin’ lessons for the last siven 
years, and the only things she kin play be heart is ^ Annie 
Rooney ’ an ‘ Comrades,’ but Paddy Rooshky played for near 
two hours, an’ he iiiver laid eyes on a bit o’ music paper from 
the toime he began till he tinished. Oh, ’twas wondherful. 
How I kem to go,” went on Mrs. Mulgrew, apologetically, “ was 
loike this : Ye see me cousin is wan o’ the extra scene shifters at 
the Academy, an’ he got a present av a couple o’ bill board 
tickets, an’ he gev them to me, so meself an’ Mary Ann went. 
Mary Ann had some business downtown yestherday, an’ she 
started ahead o’ me, but I met her at the dure an’ we wint in 
together, jusht as good as any of the big bugs from Columbia 
Heights. Oh, my ! but the airs and the shtyle av some o’ thim 
women and young gerruls ud make ye sick, Mrs. McBrannigan, 
pon me word. Wan woman wid a face loike a $2 wax doll wint 
in just before us ; she had a thrain on her dhress a couple av 
yards long, an’ jusht bekase I happened to step on it be accident 
she turned around an’ abused me in such language as I wouldn’t 
demane meself be repeatin’ to ye, Mrs. McBrannigan. Well, 
we wint in an’ took a couple o’ seats right down close to the 
stage, where we cud have a good look at Paddy Rooshky whin he 
kem out, d’ye moind. Well, in a couple o’ minits a young jude 
av a fellow, wid no front to his coat or vest, kem along, an sez, 
‘ Have yez any checks for these sates, ma’am ? ’ ‘ Sorra a check 
have I,’ sez I. ‘ I gev up me bill boards at the dure cornin’ in.’ 
‘ Well,’ sez he, very shtin, ‘ yez can’t have these sates unless ye 
have checks.’ ‘ What d’ye take me for ? ’ sez I, gettin’ mad. 
D’ye think I’m Jay Gould, an’ that I have me pocket full of 
checks to be givin’ them to spalpeens loike you?’ Well, to 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


7 


make a long story short, he saw it was no nse thryin’ to bulldoze 
me, an* he wint aff. Pnrty soon the whole place was full av the 
foinest crowd av people ye iver saw, the dhresses, an* the powdher 
an* paint an their faces, an’ the beautiful smell av cologne, an’ 
flowers an’ bay rum was almost too much for me, but Mary Ann 
didn’t seem to moind it a bit, she sat there wid her nose in the 
air jusht as if she was in habit of goin’ to hear Paddy Kooshky 
ivery day in the year. The airs av that darther av moine, Mrs. 
McBrannigan, ’ll be the death o’ me some o’ these days. For- 
ninst us, on the stage, was the quarest lookin pianny box ye iver 
saw ; ’twas three times as big as the wan we got for Mary Ann 
whin she commenced to learn, but as sure as I*m stannin’ here, 
Mrs. McBrannigan, all it had was three legs ! ‘ Phwat kind av 

a pianny dy’e call that V sez I to Mary Ann. ^ That’s a grand 
pianny, maw,* sez she ; ye know she always calls me maw whin 
we goes out together. Well,’ sez I, ‘mebbe your pianny ain’t 
grand, but, begorra, it has four legs ? ’ Whin I said this, a 
young hussy about 16 that was sittin’ beside me let out a roar av 
a laugh that ye cud hear a moile away, but before I had toime to 
give her a piece o’ me moind, there was an awful noise, and I 
looked up and saw a young fellow, with a big bushy head o’ red 
hair, bowin’ up and down, an’ shmilin’ at the judesses in the 
boxes. ‘ Who’s that ? ’ sez I to Mary Ann. ‘ That’s Paddy 
Rooshky,’ sez she. ‘Well,’ sez I, ‘he don’t look very Irish, but 
if it’s him it’s him, I suppose ! ’ While I was sayin’ this, the 
youngster next to me was squirmin’ around in her sate, and 
laffin’ loike a loon. 

Well, Paddy wint over to the three-legged pianny, an’ sat 
down an’ commenced to dhrum on the notes, jusht loike Mary 
Ann did whin she began to learn ; divil a bit av an air cud I make 
out at all, so I whispered to Mary Ann, ‘ Shure Paddy Rooshky 
can’t play half as well as yerself ; ’ an’ all she said was ‘ Hush, 
maw ; thry an’ behave yerself.’ Such impiedence ! Purty soon 
Paddy Eooshky left off drummin’ an’ began to play ; and do ye 
know, Mrs. McBrannigan, I began to feel the quarest little 
shivers goin’ up an’ down me back. He put both his hands up 
at wan ind o’ the pianny an’ commenced ticklin’ the notes so 
fasht that ye didn’t kape thrack of him at all. It med me kind 
o’ dizzy, so I shut me eyes an’ fell into a kind of a dhrame. At 
first I thought I was raised oflE the earth an’ was sailin’ up to the 
sky, an’ all the time I cud hear the swatest music coinin’ from 
above me ; the higher I wint the louder the music got, an’ all at 


8 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


waiist I found meself sittin’ on a green bank, an’ all around me 
was beautiful spirits all dressed in white, playin’ on goold harps. 

Well, I sat there for a few minits, whin all of a suddent 
everything got dark, the spirits disappeared, the ground seemed 
to fall from undher me, an’ I wint down, down, down, until I 
arrived at a terrible place full av fearful lookin’ people, that were 
groanin’ an’ wailin’ an’ screechin’ an’ carryin’ on as if they were 
in horrible pain ; I was just goin’ to yell whin some kind av a 
power lifted me up into the air, an’ I thought I was bein’ blown 
along be the wind, an’ that it was rainin’ and snowin’ and hailin’ 
an’ blowin’ like mad, an’ I had no umbrella or rubbers ; all av a 
sudden there was a fearful crash, an’ I med up me moind I was 
done for, whin I heard a lot o’ people shoutin’, an’ I woke up an’ 
found meself in me sate beside Mary Ann, an’ Paddy Eooshky 
was stannin’ beside the three-legged pianny, wid his hand on his 
chist, bowin’ an’ scrapin’ away as happy as cud be. 

Everybody was clappin’ their hands an’ shoutin’ ‘ Bravo !’ an’ 
I cudn’t kape in, so I stood up on the sate an’ waved me brochay 
shawl an’ yelled ‘ Good boy, Paddy ! Hurray for Ireland ! Erin 
go Bragh ! ’ an’ do you know that jude wid the half-masted coat 
an’ vest kem down an’ told me to kape still or he’d put me out. 
I told him I knew me business an’ I wudn’t take any slack from 
such as him, but Mary Ann axed me as a favor not to have a row, 
so I sat down an’ listened to the tiddlers, but I soon got tired av 
that, an’ kem out ; Mary Ann stopped till it was over, but afther 
hearn’ Paddy Eooshky I cudn’t listen to nothing else. An’ whin 
Mary Ann kem in, she says : ‘ Maw, ye med a great mistake ; he 

ain’t Irish at all.’ ‘Well,’ says I, ^he must have some Irish 
blood in him, or he wouldn’t be so smart, an’, besides, I niver 
heard tell of a Dutchman yet that was called Paddy.’ ” 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


9 


CHAPTER 11. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Attempts to Learn How to Skate. 

The German count who keeps the corner grocery patronized 
by the elite of Gowanus was busily engaged in a dispute with 
Mrs. O’Dooley last Monday morning over the price of a frozen 
head of cabbage when Mrs. Mulgrew entered the store. 

The saloon-keeper’s wife presented a rather grotesquely dilap- 
idated appearance ; her left eye was very much discolored and 
almost closed ; her nose was swollen to twice its usual size, and 
several scratches criss-crossed with black sticking plaster brought 
the lower portion of her face into great prominence. 

When Mrs. O’Dooley saw her she suspended her discussion 
with the grocer and gazed at Mrs. Mulgrew in great surprise. 

‘‘Arrah musha, Mrs. Mulgrew, an’ ph what’s happened yer 
face?” said Mrs. O’Dooley. ‘‘ It looks as if ye had it run over 
be a throlley car an’ left it out on the line to freeze all night ; 
I hope yer domeshtic relations haven’t sthrained thimselves or 
that yer huzhband hasn’t become rambunctious ; phwhat was it 
put sich a lookin’ head on yez anyhow ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew smiled, or rather made a feeble attempt to 
smile, which effort only added to the grotesque appearance of her 
features and caused the groceryrnan and Mrs. O’Dooley to laugh 
heartily. 

“ Begorra, Jtis aisy enough for yez to laugh,” said Mrs. Mul- 
grew, slowly, ‘‘but yez can bet a barrel o’ potatoes it was no 
laughin’ matter for me whin I got me faytures bent up like this, 
but it lamed me a lesson that I’ll niver forget till me dyin’ day, 
an’ that lesson is that there’s no fool like an ould fool.” 

“ Thrue for ye,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, quickly, and then real- 
izing that she had made a slight mistake, she added, “but the 
sinsiblest av us is likely to mak^e omadhauns av ourselves wanst 
in a great while ; an’ how did ye happen to make the little mis- 
take that put yer ‘ peeper ’ in mornin’, Mrs. Mulgrew ? ’’ 

“Well,’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew, seating herself carefully on a 
mackerel keg, with many grunts, as if it hurt her to sit down, 
“ it happened bekase I forgot I was an ould woman, an’ thried to 


10 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


take part in a sport that’s only fit for school childher and circus 
tumblers.” 

An’ phwhat might the sport be ? ’’ asked Mrs. O’Dooley, 
curiously. 

“ Skatin’,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew ; “ nothin’ more or less than 
skatin’ ; an’ it was thryin’ to learn to skate yistherda afthernoon 
in Prospect Park that gev me the mug ye see on the front av me 
face at this moment.’’ 

But how did ye come to think av such an outlandish thrick 
as that ? ’’ queried Mrs. O’Dooley, in disgust. 

‘^Well,’^ answered Mrs. Mulgrew, ‘‘ I’ll tell ye. Me daugh- 
ther Mary Ann is a beautiful skater, and she’s been up to the 
park ivery time they put thim red balls in the cars. I very time 
she went up she kem home wid such fine red rosy cheeks an’ 
such a grand appetite for her supper that it used to dhrive me 
almost loony lookin’ at her, bekase me own face had no more 
color than a Chinee’s an’ me appetite is that bad that I’m afeard 
I’m goin’ into a decline.” 

Here Mrs. Mulgrew sighed and her whole two hundred and 
sixty-five pounds quivered with emotion or something, while Mrs. 
O’Dooley sighed sympathetically and the German grocer filled in 
the gap in the conversation by opening the door and running out 
to chase Mrs. O’Dooley’s billy goat, who was just about to begin 
making a meal of the tarry strings tying some bundles of wood, 
which had just been left at the store door. 

“ Well,” resumed Mrs. Mulgrew, “ I stood it for a good long 
time, but whin I found I couldn’t stand it no longer, I sez to Mary 
Ann, sez I, I’m goin’ wid ye to the park to-morrow, to see if I 
can learn to shkate, an’ freshen up me complexion, an’ cure me 
dispepsy.’ Av coorse she told me not to make a fool o’ meself, 
an’ disgrace her into the bargain, an’ so on ; but the more she 
said agm it, the more set I was on goin’ ; so yistherda afthernoon 
we shtarted out in all the cowld for the park, an’ before we got 
half ways to the shkatin’ pond I was sorry I kem out, but I was 
that stubborn that I wouldn’t turn back ; so finally we landed at 
the house where the shkaters put on their shkates before they go 
out to shkate, an’ I sat down before the red-hot stove an’ put me 
two feet up to warm thim, an’ before I knowed I had the chill- 
blains so bad that I felt like yellin ; but afther a while me feet 
kem around all right, an’ I began to feel very nice an’ warm. 

Thin sez I to Mary Ann, ‘ Phwhere’Il I get me shkates ? ’ 
An’ she pointed out a little shquare windy, an’ I wint over, an’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


11 



Mrs. Mulgrbw On Skates. 


12 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


sez I, ‘ I want a good big pair o’ shkates, av ye plaze ; giv me 
the wans wid the wide runners on, so’s I won’t shlip.’ ^^ell, he 
shlammed down a pair o’ shkates in a jiflfy, an’ sez he, ^ Two dol- 
lars.’ ‘ For phwhat ? ’ sez I. ‘ For the shkates,’ sez he. ‘ Faith, 
I don’t want to buy yer shkates,’ sez I, ‘ I only want the lind av 
tliim.’ ‘ That’s all right,’ sez he, ‘we only charges twinty-five 
cints for the lindin’ av the shkates, but we has to have the two 
bones for fear av any wan runnin’ off wid the shkates.’ ‘ An’ do 
ye mane to say that I’d do such a dirty thrick as to run off wid 
yez ould shkates ? ’ sez I, gettin’ mad, an’ takin’ up wan o’ the 
sthraps to give him a belt over the lug ; jushtthin Mary Ann ran 
over an’ sez she, ‘ Maw it’s the regular thing to do ; don’t make 
such a fuss.’ So I ped u)e two dollars, and got the shkates, an’ 
sat down, an’ a boy knelt on the flure and fastened them on me 
feet ; I gev him tin cints, and thin meself an’ Mary Ann shtarted 
for the ice. 

Well, to make a long story short, I had the devil’s own time 
av it ; as soon as I shtepped on the ice me two feet went from 
undher me ; wan o’ thim shtarted for Gowanus an’ the other for 
Greenpoint, an’ I sat down so hard an’ heavy that it’s a wondher 
the ice didn’t cave in wid me. A couple av young fellows, frinds 
av Mary Ann’s, helped me to shtan’ up, but I was that nervous 
that I cud scarcely kape on me feet wid one o’ thim on each side 
o’ me. However, they towld me to ‘ shtrike out,’ an’ I’d be all 
right. Well, I sthruck out wid me hands an’ feet, an’ face, an’ 
in half a shake I ran into a pair o’ thim fancy shkaters, a young 
fellow an’ his gerrul, that was doin’ shtunts to plaze the crowd, 
an’ I tell ye ye niver saw such a mixture in yer life ; the dude’s 
nose bumped into his gerrul’s eye, an’ down they wint an’ mesel 
on top o’ them ; about a dozen more shkaters that couldn’t see 
where they wor goin’ thripped over us, an’ there I was in the 
middle av a muss, wid shkates diggin’ into me eye, an choppin’ 
off me chin, an’ battherin’ me nose, an’ breakin’ in me ribs, until 
I thought I’d die. 

“ Well, afther a while a couple of policemen kem along an’ 
exthracted me from the danger I was in, an’ carried me into the 
room wid the red-hot shtove, an’ laid me on a binch until me 
heart got back to its right place, an’ I was feelin’ a little more 
like meself. Thin I bethought me av a shmall flashk av some- 
thin’ I had put in me dhress pocket before lavin’ home to use in 
case of necessity. I felt in me pocket, an’ bad luck to the shkatin’, 
wasn’t the bottle broke an’ all the good shtuff shpilt all over me 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


13 


good clothes, makin’ me shmell like a small distillery, without 
any o’ the binifits av it. Thin I took off me shkates an’ gev ’em 
back to the shkate man, an' he had the gall to charge me fifty 
cints — twinty-five for the lind o’ thim an’ twinty-five more for 
breakin’ wan o’ them. Afther that I kem home, an I’ve med up 
me mind that even if me shkin turns as yellow as an Orangeman 
on Pathrick’s day an’ me dyspepsy dhrives me into consumption. 
I’ll niver make another attimpt to learn how to shkate.” 


14 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTEE III. 

“ De Gang ” Works Mr. Mulgrew for Free Hot Drinks. 

A cold night in Gowanus ! 

O gentle reader, who, before yonr cozy grate or beside your 
warm steam radiator in your comfortable home or flat, as the case 
may be, peruse this more or less interesting history of the 
Gowanusians, and laugh heartily or groan dismally (according to 
your blaseness) at the idiosyncrasies of the McBrannigans and 
McTerrigans and Mulgrews, little do you know of the meaning 
conveyed by the words with which this chapter opens. 

The houses in Gowanus, as a rule, are not built in rows ; they 
have a detached, every-one-for-himself sort of appearance, whicn 
is very picturesque but very uncomfortable on a cold night, and 
when I use the word cold ” in reference to Gowanus, I mean 
cold with a capital C. 

Mr. Mulgrew, the proprietor of the saloon which is the resort 
of the members of “ de gang,” rubbed his hands with glee when 
he noticed how cold it was, as he knew his back room would be 
well patronized. Mr. Mulgrew had a habit of rubbing his hands 
with glee on occasions of this kind ; the blase reader may think 
that it would have been better for him to have rubbed his hands 
with soap, but glee was more in Mr. Mulgrew’s line. 

Mr. Mulgrew’s hopes were realized shortly before 7 o’clock, 
when several members of de gang ’’ came in and huddled around 
the great red-hot stove, on the top of which was a copper kettle, 
filled with boiling water, which filled the minds of each one wdth 
possibilities of a hot Tom and Jerry later on in the evening. 

In front of the stove, with his enormous feet planted in dan- 
gerous proximity to the red-hot iron, sat Slob M^Terrigan. A 
clay pipe, which he had obtained at a wake a couple of weeks pre- 
vious, was fastened in a space which was caused by the loss of a 
couple of his front teeth in a scrap some months before. Slob 
always insisted that the loss of the bones” made pipe smoking 
a luxury, and he had often advised his friends to have one or two 
teeth knocked out to make a space for the pipe, but, like the tail- 
less fox in the fable, his advice was laughed at. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


15 


The conversation naturally turned on the weather, and Slob, 
in order to draw Mul^rew out, for a purpose which will appear 
later on, asked the saloonist what he thought of the condition of 
the atmosphere. 

Mr. Mulgrew at once hemmed and coughed, and ^‘de gang ’’ 
knew he was going to indulge in one of his long dissertations ; so 
they leaned forward in their chairs and pretended to be intensely 
interested. 

Well, Shlob,’’ he said, after a pause, ‘‘ ’tis purty cowld, but 
these winthers nowadays ain’t a patch to the wans we used to 
have about forty years ago.” Having made this statement Mr. 
Mulgrew leaned back against the bar and puffed vigorously on a 
wicked looking cigar, while the stove-huggers grinned and nudged 
one another in a knowing way. 

^‘Well, of course,” said Slob slowly, ‘‘ none of us blokes is 
forty years on de eart’, an’ if yer know anything dat yer tink’ll 
give us a spasm, w’y don’t yer open yer mug an^ play yer game 
o’ talk ? ” 

This was what Mr. Mulgrew had been waiting for ; he gave a 
quick jump, which landed him in sitting position on the bar, 
and in an impressive way addressed the mob about the stove, 
somewhat after the manner of a man who knew his words would 
be respected, no matter what he might say. 

Well, boys,” said he, ‘'yez may not believe some o’ the 
things I’m goin’ to tell yez, but 1 don’t care whether yez do or 
not, for I know how the things happened, an’ yez don’t, bekase 
ye warn’t born at the time. It was in the month of January, 
1852, that I landed in New York. It was so cowld that the ship 
couldn’t come any furder than Quarantine, an’ the passengers had 
to be carted up the river on sleighs. When I got to New York 
I went to a barroom and axed for a glass o’ whishky. ‘ Yez mane 
a shtick,’ sez the barkeeper to me. Shure enough, wasn’t the 
whishky frozen into long shticks, an’ instid av dhrinkin’ I had to 
ate me glass o’ whishky. The beer and ale was the same way, 
instid av axin’ for a glass or a pint o’ mixed, the people kem in an’ 
called for half a yard o’ beer or two foot an’ a half o’ mixed ale, 
and the barkeeper ’ud break it off wid an axe whoile it was run- 
nin’ out o’ the tap.’’ 

Mr. Mulgrew paused to see what effect his game o’ talk ” 
was having on de gang.” That select crowd of young men 
groaned in an incredulous sort of way, which did not disconcert 
the saloonist in the least, so he continued. In the month av 


16 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


February I moved over here to Gowauus, an’ thin I found what 
cowld weather was. The houses were scatthered, and the wind 
had a foine chance to blow. D’ye know, I had as foine a pair o’ 
whiskers as you’d see in a day’s walk at the toirne, but they got 
froze stiff wan day, an’ the wind was so sthrong that they broke 
off, an’ iver since I’ve had to wear a clean shave.” 

“ De gang ” groaned again at this point, but Mulgrew, pre- 
tending not to notice the interruption, went on : ‘‘ I worked for 
a while in a facthory, an’ at dinner toime I used to watch the 
steam cornin’ out o’ the pipe over the ingine-house. As soon as it 
sthruck the air it was turned into ice, an’ fell on the ground in 
big lumps, an’ afther a few days they had to close the facthory, 
bekase it was buried undherneath the chunks o’ frozen steam. 
Thin I wiiit to boord wid a woman over on the hill, near Green- 
wood. She had a pig in the yard that weighed about three hun- 
dred pounds. Well, wan morning she wint out to feed him, 
whin she found the poor pig inclosed in a block av ice as tight 
as a drum. You see the pig, bein’ so big, had a very heavy way 
av breathin’, and his breath jusht froze all around him in a solid 
cake.” 

When the crowd heard this they all stood up and, forming in a 
line, headed by Slob, marched up to Mr. Mulgrew and shook 
hands with him in a way which meant volumes. 

“George Washin’ton ain’t in it wid you, Mul,” said Slob, 
“ w’en it comes to tollin’ de troot ; is he, boys [to the crowd] ? 
“Naw!’’ yelled “de gang,” in chorus. Then they executed a 
peculiar dance step on the floor, which so delighted Mr. Mulgrew 
that he asked them all to have a drink “ on the house.’’ He 
stepped behind the bar, grabbed a handful of schooners and was 
about to All them whom Slob called out: “Noton yer little 
whiskers, Mul ! Boys, wot are we drinkin’ on Mulgrew ?” 

And the answer came from a dozen hoarse and thirsty throats : 

“ Hot Tom an’ Jerry ! See ? ” 


THE OOWANUSIANS. 


17 


CHAPTEE IV. 

Mks. McBrannigan’s Preparations for Patrick’s Day, and 
THE Meeting of the A. O. H. 

As the little McBrannigan family were seated around the sup- 
per table one night this week, Mrs. McBrannigan n(»ticed that 
her husband was unusually quiet, and had a certain air of pre- 
occupied indifference, which was so much at variance with his 
ordinary manner, that she felt compelled to inquire the reason. 

“Ye seem to be moighty good company for yerself, this 
evenin’, Phelim, to judge be the amount o’ talk yer givin to the 
rest av us,” she said softly, with a sly wink at Maud, who smiled 
in anticipation of the reply which she knew her father would 
make to her mother’s remark. 

“ Well,” said Mr. McBrannigan, slowly, “a man’s thoughts 
are his own property ; ’tis only omadhauns and ejits that tells 
everything they know ; but as long as ye are so intherested, Oi may 
as well tell ye what Oi was pondherin’ about. Av coorse there’s 
no need av remoindin’ ye that Saint Pathrick’s Day is cornin’ on 
very soon, an’ Oi was tinkin’ that ye’d betther be gettin’ me hat 
and me regalia ready for the parade. There’s a meetin’ of the 
A. O. H., to-night to make arrangements for the proper celebra- 
tion of the day, an’ Oi must be off.” Mr. McBrannigan pushed 
his chair away from the table, reached under the stove for his 
hat, and, buttoning up his coat, started forth to attend the meet- 
ing. Mrs. McBrannigan and Maud cleared away the supper 
dishes in short order, after which Maud “fixed up” and ran over 
to see Ethel McSniffigan. 

After she had gone Mrs. McBrannigan went up-stairs to hunt 
for her husband’s high hat and the green sash which he had worn 
on every St. Patrick’s Day since he had arrived in the country, 
and to see that they were in proper order for wearing on the day 
of all days dear to the Irish heart. 

Of course, when things are worn only once a year they get to 
have a very dilapidated appearance after a while, and Mrs. Mc- 
Brannigan was not at all surprised to find that Mr. Mc’s high hat 
was sadly in need of some renovation. Ilowever, she was not at 
2 


18 


THE GOWANHSIANS. 


all disturbed, as she had renovated it every year herself by a 
peculiar process which had regularly roused her husband’s admira- 
tion and praise. 

She brought the articles down-stairs to the kitchen, laid the 
hat carefully on a newspaper upon the table and, going to the 
closet, brought out the can in which she kept her supply of 
kerosene oil. She poured a quantity of the oil upon the hat 
and then, by brisk rubbing, succeeded in producing a gloss 
which no amount of ironing could have brought out of the 
ancient piece of headgear and then placed it at a safe distance 
from the stove to dry. She then overhauled the sash and made 
the startling discovery that the moths had been busy upon its 
rich folds of green silk, and had made sad havoc of it in spots. 
She was not entirely discouraged, however, as she remembered 
that she had a piece of an old green silk dress which Phelim had 
made a present to her shortly after their marriage, and she made 
up her mind that she could use it for patching the regalia. 

Accordingly she set about finding the necessary articles, and 
in a few minutes was busily engaged in sewing a large patch of 
dark green ribbed silk over the holes which the ruthless moths 
had made in the front of the sash, which, by the way, was made 
of a very vivid shade of green watered silk. The patch, with its 
feather-edged stitching of black thread, made a striking contrast 
against the light background, but Mrs. McBrannigan, not being 
of an aesthetic turn of mind, never noticed the difference, but, 
when she had finished it, placed it around her neck and surveyed 
herself in the glass in the front room with a very well satisfied 
smile at her own ingenuity. 

Mrs. McBrannigan then placed the glossy high hat and the 
composite regalia carefully av^ay in a drawer to remain there 
until the 17th, when, arrayed in them, her lord and master would 
sally proudly forth to march with his branch of the A. O. H. in 
the parade. 

She then sat down in the comfortable rocker which stood in 
the cozy front room, and folding her hands in her lap, fell into a 
doze, in which she dreamed of an unending line of fairies, 
dressed in high narrow brimmed hats and patchwork sashes, 
marching in dazzling procession past her humble little home. 

Mr. McBrannigan, meanwhile, was attending a meeting of the 
A. O. H., at which some highly interesting events happened. 

When he arrived at the hall where his branch of the A. O. fl. 
held it§ meetings he found the rest of the members there ahead 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


19 


of him, waiting for the hour of eight to strike before they began 
discussing the arrangements for the celebration of St. Patrick’s day. 

Promptly at eight o’clock the president, Mr. Mulgrew, took 
his seat in the chair in the center of the room beside a table on 
which he pounded for order at frequent intervals with a small- 
sized sledge-hammer, which was the only thing in the shape of a 
gavel that was handy at the time. Mr. Mulgrew enjoyed this 
pounding process so much that he kept it up most of the time, 
except when he felt called upon to make a remark himself, in 
which case he used the hammer to emphasize or punctuate his 
rather rockily rounded periods. 

“ The secretary will plaze call the roll,” said the president, 
with much dignity. What roll, Frinch roll ? ’’ interrupted the 
fresh member with the piccolo voice. No, club roll,’’ replied 
the president, quickly, ‘‘ and if we have any more interruptions 
or interjections from the human flute from Galway we’ll have a 
roll call* for him specially,^wid plinty avtaps into the bargain.” 

This bit of repartee on the part of Mr. Mulgrew was much 
appreciated, but the laughter and applause was quickly squelched 
by the sledge-hammer, and the business of the meeting was pro- 
ceeded with. 

When the president announced that motions were in order, a 
big member, who came originally from Sligo and whose voice 
resembled the roll of distant thunder, stood up and said : 
“ Misther Chairman, Oi move that we hire a bugle corpse to 
furnish the music for our branch in the parade.’ He sat 
down, and another member rose and remarked that he was not 
in favor of such dead and alive music,” and moved that they 
hire a troop of Irish pipers who could play lively airs and keep 
them in good humor. When this member had subsided the fresh 
little funny member, who was simply unsquelchable, stood up 
and addressed the chair. Misther President,” he said, ‘‘ 1 
know the mimbers who havejusht spoken are sincere in their 
suggestions about music, but I would like to offer a resolution on 
this subject which I think ought to meet with the approval of all 
hands. I would advise that instead of havin’ a bugle corpse or a 
throop of pipers, that we secure a large rubber band and let the 
mimbers take turns in playing on it ; or we might get the loan of 
Shlob McTerrigan’s bulldog, for he carries a brass band around 
his neck.” The piccolo-voiced member stopped speaking at this 
point, as the noise of the sledge hammer gavel drowned him com- 
pletely. 


20 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Mr. Mulgrew looked positively savage as he glared at the 
tenor- voiced humorist and proceeded to rebuke him in a strictly 
Cushingian manner. “ Gintlemin,” he said, “ fun is fun, foolin’ 
is foolin’, an’ a joke’s a joke. I tink I appreciate a rale funny 
joke as well as any man, but wliin a low down Galwaygerian with 
a little Lord Fauntleroy voice thries to turn a meetin’ of intelligent 
men into a monkey convintion, foolin’ oversteps the boundary 
which separates humor from lunacy, and causes my blood to 
bile wid indignation an’ disgusht. Now, if I hear any more vocal- 
istic flip flaps from the dinky Galway joker I’ll take harsh measures 
wid him ; parliamentary rules ’ll be suspinded, and we’ll have a 
game o’ col lar-an’ -elbow, or catch-as-catch-can.” 

The table suffered severely from the assaults of the hammer 
during this speech, and when he had finished Mr. Mulgrew gave it a 
final whack and sat down in a mixed state of perspiration and glee. 

A discussion then arose between two of the members in re- 
gard to the order of marching, which of the members should be 
in the front rank and so on. The argument was growing warm, 
when the small, anti-fat voice of the little Galway man was heard 
above the others, saying, ‘‘ It seems to me that hammering on 
that table don’t seem to be much use, Misther President. Phwy 
don’t yez use the gavel on some one’s head ? ” This speech was 
taken as a challenge by the president. He leaped from his chair 
and made haste to the corner where the flutist was sitting, and was 
about to administer a stinging rebuke to the interrupter, when a 
dozen of the cooler members interfered and carried Mr. Mul- 
grew back to his seat, bidding him not to forget the dignity of 
his position. 

They managed to pacify him after a while, and when he had 
recovered his mental equilibrium he stood up behind the table 
and delivered himself of the following speech, which he had 
carefully prepared for the occasion : 

“ Gintlemin, an’ fellow mimbers of the Gowanus branch of 
the Ancient Ordher of Hibernians : It is once more me proud duty 
to address ye as I have done every year for the twelve years that 
I have been president of our powerful and beautiful araganoiza- 
tion, and it is me intintion to give ye a few points and insthruc- 
tions, so that our branch will make a creditable showing in the 
parade on Saint Pathrick’s day. The conduct of wan o’ themini- 
bers this avenin’ recalls to me moind a meetin’ we held the first 
year I was elected president of the branch. The question was, 
as it was to-night, about what kind av music we’d have. Wan 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


21 


miniber proposed that we hire a brass band and another proposed 
that we hire a sthring orchistra, and a third said it would be bet- 
ther to have nayther a brass band nor a sthring band, but instead 
to hire a colosseurn light ; the man who proposed havin’ the brass 
band, who was of about the same mintal capacity as the mimber who 
had the idiocity to propose our havin’ a rubber band, jumped up 
an said, “ Misther President, before we decide about hirin’ the 
Colosseum light, I think we betther find out whether there is any 
mimber of this araganoi^iation that can play on the colosseurn 
light.’ That man was too shmart to live, he died and went to a 
land where bands are unknown, and colosseurn lights are not 
necessary to help you to see your way around. 

‘‘ To resume, gintlemin, the mimbers will assemble here on 
Thursday mornin’ dhressed in their level besht ; high hats and 
Prince Albert coats will have the right of way, an’ no mimber 
who has any respect for the araganoization will show up in any- 
thing else. Above all things, don’t shmoke pipes in the parade, 
dhrop yer every-day thricks, rise to the occasion, an’ shmoke 
cigars. The mimbers who have a waken ess for stoppin’ at cor- 
ners to celebrate will march in the center of the lines, so that the 
sthronger minded wans can help to kape thim on their feet till 
the parade is over, whin they will be left to the tindher mercies 
av the pathrol wagon and the tin-day coorts. 

“ Don’t put on airs. We had a mimber once in the branch that 
was very proud in his walk ; he was a high stepper, and wan Path- 
rick’s day as he was marchin’ along Fulton sthreet his head got 
turned, and he stepped so high that he was run over by an ele- 
vated railroad thrain ; he joined our colosseurn light member on 
the spot in the march that has no end or beginning.” 

While Mr. Mulgrew was speaking the little man from Galway 
pretended to fall asleep, and when Mr. Mulgrew reached this part 
of his harangue he gave vent to a long drawn out combination of 
a snore and a whistle, but the sledge hammer came down on the 
table in an emphatic way, which made the piccoloistic pigmy 
jump about three feet from his seat and prevented a repetition 
of the joke. 

After a few more remarks of a cautionary nature Mr. Mulgrew 
declared the meeting adjourned, and the members filed out of the 
hall and over to MuJgrew’s hostelry, where they drank to the suc- 
cess of the parade from schooners,” which, on account of their 
extraordinary size, were called washtubs,” and which were re- 
plenished so frequently that the success of the parade was fairly 
drowned. 


22 


THE GOWANITSIANS. 


CHAPTEE V. 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mrs. O’Dooley Have a Lively Dis- 
cussion. 

Me Parthrick’s pot on ye ! ’’ exclaimed Mrs. O’Dooley, as 
she met Mrs. Mulgrew in the butcher-shop on Saturday morning. 

“ Faith, yez are a day late wid yer well-wishin’, Mrs. O’Dooley,” 
replied Mrs. Mulgrew, sarcastically, “ but I’m much obliged to ye 
all the same ; an’ how did yez in joy the day?” 

First class,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley ; “ ’tis a long toime since 
I had so much fun ; I was on the sthreet from 8 in the mornin’ 
till 6 in the avenin’ ; I saw the both parades, and ilegant parades 
they wor, too. Did ye see any o’ thim ? ” 

‘‘ Oh, yis,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew ; I was invoited be afrind 
that has a flure on the line o’ march to come an’ spind the day 
wid her, an’ I sat there at me aise all day long, an’ was as com- 
fortable as a pig in a mud hole ; phwere did ye obsarve the per- 
cisshun from yerself, Mrs. O’Dooley?” 

“ Oh, begorra, I had to be satisfied wid a grand stand up on 
the shteps o’ the City Hall,” said Mrs. O’Dooley. God bless the 
man that built it ; shure he must have been a great friend o’ the 
Irish, to build the City Hall wid so many shteps o’ stairs goin’ 
up to the front dure, so that iverybody cud have a foine view of 
the parade. I brought me little boy. Tommy, wid me, afther 
seein’ the ould man off safe an’ sound, wid his new regalia on, 
an’ his high hat polished so that ye cud see yer picther in it. Be- 
gorra, he looked foine, an’ whin I saw him in the march, I felt 
that proud av him I cud scarcely kape from leapin’ over the City 
Hall.” 

“ An’ why did he have a new regalia ? ” asked Mrs. Mulgrew, 
curiously. 

Bekase his ould wan was chewed up by that villyin of a 
billy goat belongin’ to the McTerrigans,’’ replied Mrs. O’Dooley,” 
“ bad cess to his ugly whiskers ! I hung the ould sash that 
O’Dooley had worn in ivery parade for I don’t know how many 
years out on the clothesline to air, an’ that thafe o’ the world 
kem along, an’ before ye cud say ‘ Jack Eobinson,’ he had the 


THE GOWANHSIANS. 


23 


whole beautiful piece o’ silk, wid the tassels an’ goold lace all 
complate, stewed away in his stomach. Av coorse I near killed 
him wid a club, but that was small consolation to the ould man, 
for he couldn’t parade widout his sash, so he took satisfaction out 
of himself by goin’ out and cornin’ home full, an’ breakin’ up 
some o’ the furniture, by way of a divarshun.” 

I saw Misther O’Dooley in the parade,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, 
an’ to tell the truth, he did luk very foine indade ; by the way, 
did ye see anything of Misther Mulgrew ? ” 

“ Oh, yis,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley, ‘‘ he raley looked extramely 
ilegant, divil a word of a lie am I tellin’ ye, Mrs. Mulgrew ; av 
coorse, he ain’t near as tall as my ould man, but for a man of his 
size he did look imminse ! ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew didn’t look very highly pleased at the left- 
handed compliment her neighbor had paid her better half, but 
she pretended to be delighted with Mrs. O’Dooley’s opinion. 

Well, as far as size goes,” said she, ‘‘ ye know merit doesn’t 
always go by heighth, or breadth ; av coorse, Misther Mulgrew 
ain’t a six-futter, but he do luk quite respectable whin he’s 
dhressed up ; he had on a bran new Prince Albert coat, vesht an’ 
pants that he ped $45 for lasht wake, an’ a new shtovepipe wid 
a wide brim, thrimmed on the side wid a bunch o’ shamrogues 
that grew in the ould sod. I suppose ye noticed, Mrs. O’Dooley, 
that he was captain of wan o’ the divisions ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew drew herself up when she made this remark 
and towered over Mrs. O’Dooley with a splendid consciousness 
of her superiority, as she knew Mrs. O’Dooley’s husband was 
only one of the common ordinary rank and file in the parade. 

‘‘ Oh, yis,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley, quietly, but in a tone which 
was intended to take Mrs. Mulgrew down from her perch,” I 
obsarved he was leadin’ a part o’ the percisshun, but I also no- 
ticed that he did it on fut. How is it that yer good man wasn’t 
mounted on a prancin’ horse instid av wearin’ out his feet on the 
cobble-stones? ” 

Oh, that’s aisily explained,’ said Mrs. Mulgrew. ^‘Ye see 
they’re usin’ thim elashtic throlley cars on nearly all the car lines 
of Brooklyn now, an’ they sint all the horses away to be sould at 
auction ; that laves the parade horses very scarce. Misther Mul- 
grew forgot to pervide himself wid a horse in toime, an’ phwin 
he wint lookin’ for wan on Thursda’ he cudn’t get it for love or 
money, so he had to be con tin ted wid shanks mare for the first 
time since he joined the ordher.” 


24 : 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Oh, I see/’ said Mrs. O’Dooley ; that was too bad, for a 
small man do look so much betther on horseback than he do on his 
feet ; ye can’t tell phwat size he is at all at all.” 

Mrs. O’ Dooley laughed at her little joke, in which laugh Mrs. 
Mu'^grew failed to join, as she immediately busied herself looking 
at some meat for the Sunday dinner. While she was doing this 
Mrs. O’Dooley nudged her, and said : 

Phwat do ye think o’ the iday av havin’ two parades in 
BrookWn ivery Pathrick’s day, Mrs. Mulgrew ? ” 

“ Well, I don’t think much of it, Mrs. O’Dooley, to tell the 
honest truth,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew. “ It’s too much like the 
ould faction fights in Ireland, phwin they wor niver satisfied un- 
less there were several broken heads at the ind o’ the fray. Of 
coorse, thanks to Chief Campbell, an’ the efforts o’ the mayor, 
the police are able to kape thim in check here in Brooklyn, by 
makin’ thim march in opposite directions, an’ at different times 
o’ the day, so that the different factions won’t be able to meet 
and scatther each other all over the sthreets of Brooklyn. ’Tis a 
foine thing, Mrs. O’Dooley, that we have such a good police 
foorce here, bekase if we hadn’t, ivery Pathrick’s day ud be a regu- 
lar Watherloo, an’ the consequince ud be that afther a few years 
there wouldn’t be enough Irishmen left in Brooklyn to make a 
parade, an’ the cimitery in Flatbush ud be so crow ded that they’d 
have to annex Prospect park to find room to bury the victims.” 

An’ phwy can’t they agree together, some way,’’ said Mrs. 
O’Dooley, “ an’ patch up their differences an’ march together like 
min, for the honor of the great St. Pathrick, instid av quarrelin’ 
like a lot av school childher ? ” 

“ On account of their Irish pride,” answered Mrs. Mulgrew ; 
“ ivery mother’s son o’ thim thinks he ought to be on horseback, 
be rights, wavin’ a swoord, an givin’ ordhers, an’ its on account 
o’ their not bein’ able to agree who’ll be officers, and who’ll be min 
that they have to have two araganoizations an’ two parades, so’s to 
give ivery man that thinks he was born to be a gineral, only that 
he became a hod carrier be mistake, a good chance to shoot aff 
his gub, an’ shout ‘ aarther aarums ! ’ or ‘ foorward maarrch ! ’’ 

“ Me huzhband tells me there’s great prospects of home rule in 
Ireland, Mrs. Mulgrew,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, when Mrs. Mul- 
grew had stopped for want of breath. 

“ Well,’’ replied Mrs. Mulgrew, “ I’m glad to hear that the 
Irish are goin’ to get fair play at lasht; but all I have to say is 
that the Irish Americans of Brooklyn ought to git some sinse, an’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


25 


by meetin’ together on aqual grounds, an’ havin’ wan good sthrong, 
peaceable parade on Pathrick’s day, set a good example to the 
people in the ould counthry, instid of fightin’ over thrifles, an’ 
makin’ thimselves the laughin’ sthock of their fellow citizens, an’ 
the counthry at large.” 

Thrue for ye,” said Mrs. O’Dooley ; ’tis yerself has the gift 
o’ the gab, an’ can explain thim things, but I guess I’ll have to 
be lavin’ ye ; I musht go home an’ see afther me ould man ; he 
kem home lasht night in a turrible state; he said he cud see 
more shnakes than St. Pathrick iver dhrove out o’ the ould dart ; 
I had to kape watchin’ him all niglit, for fear he’d jump out o’ 
the windy, but he fell asleep about 6 o’clock this mornin’, an’ I 
guess he’ll be all right by 12. Good-mornin’, Mrs. Mulgrew.” 

“ Good-mornin’, Mrs. O’Dooley,’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew, and as 
Mrs. O’ Dooley disappeared through the door of the butcher-shop. 
Mrs. Mulgrew resumed her occupation of selecting the meat for 
the Sunday dinner. 


26 


THE GOWANUSIANS- 


CHAPTER YI. 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann Take a Turkish Bath. 

One day last week Mrs. O’Dooley’s goat strayed away from 
the neighborhood on an exploring expedition and as that estima- 
ble woman was searcliing for him she came face to face with 
Mrs. Mulgrew. 

Mrs. Mulgrew was dressed in her best dress, black velvet 
bonnet and broche shawl, but no matter how well she was ap- 
pareled, Mrs. Mulgrew never was above saluting her humblest 
neighbors, and if she had time would always stop for a little 
chat. 

Good-afthernoon, Mrs. O’Dooley,” she said pleasantly. 

Good-afthernoon to yerself,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley. I’m 
huntin’ high an’ low for that ould billy goat av mine, an’ divil a 
sign av his ugly shape can I see. Yez didn’t happen to run acrass 
him in ye’ thravels, did ye, Mrs. Mulgrew ? ” 

“ Faith I didn’t, Mrs. O’Dooley,” said the saloon-keeper’s 
wife.” I’m only jusht cornin’ from downtown, where I’m afther 
havin’ a Turkish bath, if ye plaze.” 

A Turkish bath, is it ? An’ phwhat in the name o’ good- 
ness is a Turkish bath ? ’’ said Mrs. O’Dooley, quizzically. 

Oh, it’s a thratemint the docthor’s ordhered me to take for 
me degingeratin’ heart,’’ replied Mrs. Mulgrew, ‘‘ and ’tis a won- 
dherful thratemint intoirely.” 

An’ phwhat might it be like ? ” asked Mrs. O’Dooley. 

“ Well, I’ll tell ye,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. ^‘Meself an’ Mary 
Ann wint to the place down-town, an’ I ped tin dollars for a 
dozen tickets ; then we wint into little bathin’-houses like they 
do have in Coney Island an’ undhressed ; an’ a nice, polite little 
lady gev us sheets to wrap around us, an’ we follied her through 
a couple o’ rooms until we got into wan that was so hot that I 
thought we’d arrived at the home o’ the ould boy himself. There 
was hve or six women an’ gerruls sitting around on long chairs, 
all wrapped up in sheets, an’ lookin’ like a lot av ghosts. ‘ Phwat 
do you call this ? ’ sez I ; I * tought I kem here to get a bath or 
a wash, an’ not to be roasted alive.’ ^ Oh,’ sez the polite little 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


27 


woman, ‘this is pai-t of the bath; yez’ll have to sit here for a 
phwhile an- puspire, so’s that all the exuberances av the skin ’ll 
have a chance to excruciate.’ ^ Oh, all right,’ sez I ; I’m willin’ 
to stand anything, as long as the docthor have towld me to so 
down I sat, with Mary Ann next to me, an’ the shweat jusht 
rolled off me like rain. 

“ Afther a while I sez to Mary Ann, ‘ May,’ sez. I (she always 
likes me to call her May phwin we’re out any place), ‘ I’m f eelin’ 
very dhry. Do ye think cud I get a glass av ale here ? ’ ‘ Oh, no, 
maw,’ sez she ; ‘ this is a very high toned place ; they wouldn’t sell 
anything as common as ale.’ ‘ Well,’ sez I, ‘ I’ll see phwhat they 
have,’ an’ I pushed a little button like the wan in Asbury Park, 
to see if I cud get a kodax dhrink. The polite little woman kem 
skippin’ in at wanst, an’ sez I, ‘ Have yez any good mixed ale 
here? I’m thirsty.’ She smiled swately, an’ sez : ‘ We have ivery- 
thing yez kin ax for in the way av dhrinks, but no wan is allowed 
to dhrink anything but ice wather while they’re goin’ through the 
bath ; after ye come out ye kin have ivery thing ye wish.’ Well, 
I was forced to take the ice wather against me will, for it med 
me shweat harder than ever. When I cudn’t stan’ the heat 
no longer, I pushed the button wanst more, an’ the polite 
little wan kem in again wid only a taste of a shkirt on her, 
lookin’ as fresh as a May mornin’. ‘ Phwhat’ll ye have ?’ sez she ; 
‘shtep this way.’ So I shtepped afther her into a little room 
wid a marble sofa. ‘ Lay down there,’ sez she. ‘ Phwhat for ?’ 
sez I. ‘ So’s I can scrub ye,’ sez she. ‘ Faith, I’ll let ye know I 
don’t need any scrubbin’,’ sez I. ^ Didn’t I jusht get back from 
Asbury Park three weeks ago, where I washed meself well in the 
say?’ ‘Oh, niver mind,’ says she, very polite like; ‘lay down 
any way, ‘ twill do ye good ; ye won’t have the full bath if ye 
don’t get scrubbed an’ rubbed !’ So I lay down for peace sake, 
an’ if she didn’t rub me an’ scrub me, lave it there ? Ye’d think 
I was a kitchen flure. She actually took a regular scrubbin’ 
brush an’ scrubbed me till I was as clane as a new pin ; then she 
squirted warm wather all over me to wash the suds off, and thin 
she stood me undher a shower of wather that got colder an’ 
colder till I thought I’d freeze ; jusht whin I began to shiver, 
she turned off the wather an’ took me into a room full o’ towels 
an’ began dhryin’ me. 

“ She was raley the most obligin’ little woman I iver met. 
Nothing was too much throuble for her, an’ whin she had me 
dhried she brought me into an ilegant room full av beautiful 


28 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


8of j8, an’ there was Mary Ann lyin’ off as graceful as ye plaze, all 
wrapped up in a blanket. Well, the little woman bid me lay 
down on the lounge next to Mary Ann, an’ thin she wint over 
iveiy bit o’ me wid her two fat little hands, an’ she rubbed me 
till I felt as smooth as a yard av $6 satin. Thin she wrapped me 
up in the blanket, an’ axed me would I like anything to dhrink. 
‘ I would,’ sez I ; ‘ bring me a good big glass ov mixed ale.” An’ 
ph what’ll you have ?’ says she to Mary Ann. ‘ I’ll take a pussy 
caffay,’ sez she, quite airy like, an’ I think you better hav wan, 
maw, instead of tlie ale ; they’re much betther afther a Turkish 
bath.’ ‘ All right,’ sez I ; ‘ bring me the pussy cat’s tail, or a pup- 
py dog’s ear, it’s all the same to me ; if I can’t have phwat I want, 
I suppose I’ll have to take phwat I can get.” Well, the polite 
little fairy was back in a jiffy with the two dhrinks, an’ I dhrank 
me pussy cat’s tail for shtyle, just to plaze Mary Ann ; I didn’t 
like the taste av it at first, but whin I lay down it sint such a 
lovely feelin’ shootin’ through me that I thought I was about half 
way betwixt Heaven an’ earth, an’ I wint to sleep, an’ dhreamed 
of iverything lovely, until Mary Ann shook me an’ woke me up, 
sayin’ it was toime to go home. She was all dressed, an’ wint off 
for a promenade on Fulton street, an’ I dressed meself an’ kem 
home, afther payin’ sixty cints for the pussy cats’ tails. Sixty 
cints is a good aale to pay for two dhrinks, when mixed ale is 
only tin cints a pint; but th^ were so ilegant that I niver 
grudged it, an’ plaze goodness I going down this day week for 
another dose o’ the same medicine. 

Mrs. Mulgrew paused ; Mrs. O’Dooley put her hand up to 
shield her eyes from the sun, and gazing long and earnestly 
toward the other side of an adjacent lot said, very suddenly: 
‘‘ There he is, the divil !” 

Who is it ye mane ?’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew. 

“ Me billy goat, to be sure,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley. Thim 
that has nothing else to do can hunt afther pussy cat’s tails, but 
hard workin’ people must be contint wid chasin’ billy goats ; so 
I’ll be lavin’ ye, Mrs. Mulgrew ; good-afthernoon.” 

Good-afthernoon,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, stiffly, and as Mrs. 
O’Dooley galloped across the lot after her pet, the saloon-keeper’s 
wife swept across the street and into the house to prepare the 
supper and entertain her husband with an account of her ex- 
perience in Turkish baths and pussy cats’ tails. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


29 


CHAPTER VIL 

Mrs. O^DooLEY’s Billy Gtoat Causes Trouble Between His 
Mistress and Mrs. Dinkelbecker. 

§ 

On Wednesday morning, just as Mrs. Dinkelbecker, who is a 
near neighbor of Mrs. O’Dooley, had finished hanging out the 
week’s wash and had gone into her kitchen, Mrs. O’Dooley’s billy 
goat, which had had nothing but two sheets of brown paper, a 
picture of Francis Wilson, which had blown from a bill-board, 
and a rusty tomato can, for breakfast, happened to come along 
and spy the luscious garments which were suspended from Mrs. 
Dinkelbecker’s line. Mrs. O’Dooley’s goat was rather particular 
about what he ate in the clothes line, and he nosed around until 
he located the choicest morsel of the lot, which was Mr. Dinkel- 
becker’s only white shirt. 

Mr. Billy calmly proceeded to devour this article of ^parel, 
and, as it disappeared down his throat, the chances of Mr. Dinkel- 
becker’s being able to appear in immaculate linen the following 
Sunday grew more and more slim. He was just reveling in the 
sweetest part of the linen bosom when Mrs. Dinkelbecker hap- 
pened to spy him. In the shortest possible space of time Mrs. 
Dinkelbecker was out in the yard with the clothes stick in her 
hand, ready to do battle with his goatship and rescue the remains 
of her husband’s Sunday shirt. The goat saw her coming, how- 
ever, and, standing on his hind legs, after the manner of Gowanus 

f oats of the William sex, made a vicious buck at the furious Mrs. 

)inkelbecker. He missed her, but knocked the clothes stick from 
her hand. 

Mrs. Dinkelbecker stooped to recover her weapon of attack 
and defense, and in doing so turned her back on the goat. The 
billy seemed to take offense at Mrs. Dinkelbecker’s lack of polite- 
ness, and rising once more to the occasion butted poor Mrs. Dink- 
elbecker so effectively that she went sprawling into a large mud 
puddle which had formed in the middle of the yard. This unfair, 
behind-her-back attack only served to increase Mrs. Dinkelbecker’s 
anger. Mrs. Dinkelbecker, owing to a fondness for noodle soup, 
Limburger cheese, frankfurters and the other delicatessen deU- 


30 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


cacies wliicli particularly tickle the Teutonic palate, was quite 
stout and unwieldy, so that when Mr. William Goat O’Dooley 
precipitated her into the mud, it was only with a great amount of 
exertion that she managed to recover her equilibrium. 

When she finally struggled to her feet there was fire in her 
eye and a stick in her hand. The goat saw how things were, and 
having swallowed the button-hole on the tab of Mr. Dinkel- 
becker’s shirt, thought it was about time to be going home. 

He turned tail. • 

This was very unwise on the part of the goat. He had a very 
long tail for a billy goat, and Mrs. Dinkelbecker caught hold of 
it with her left hand. 

Then she brought the clothes stick down in an emphatic fashion 
on the goat’s back several times. 

Then the goat started to run. 

Mrs. Dinkelbecker still held on to his caudal appendage. 

They ran down the street until they arrived at Mrs. O’Dooley’s 
gate, Mrs. Dinkelbecker still raining blows on the goat’s back with 
the clothes stick. 

When the goat saw his home, he made a flying leap over the 
fence, which landed Mrs. Dinkelbecker against it with a sudden- 
ness which took her breath away. 

She managed to retain possession of the billy goat’s tail, how- 
ever, and with the sense of the awful wrong he had done, and the 
indignity he had heaped upon her still uppermost in her mind, 
Mrs. Dinkelbecker continued beating him with the stick. 

Then the billy commenced to “ Ma-a-a-a-a ! ’’ When a Gowanus 
goat begins to ‘‘Ma a-a ! ” in a certain tone of voice, the owner of 
the goat usually knows there is something wrong with it. 

So when Mrs. O’Dooley heard her beloved Willy goat M-a-a- 
ing ” she hastened out to see what was the matter. 

The sight that confronted her roused every bit of “ Irish ” in 
her nature. 

She made a wild rush to the rescue of her pet, and then the 
fun began. 

Phwhat do you mane by wallopin’ my goat ? ” yelled Mrs. 
O’Dooley, as she seized Mrs. Dinklebecker’s uplifted stick, which 
was just about to descend in another welt upon the goat’s 
head. 

“ Vot does your coat mean by shvallerin my husband’s new 
vite shirt ? Dot’s vot I vant to know, Mrs. O’Dooley,” replied 
Mrs. Dinklebecker, who arrogated to herself for this occasion the 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


31 


essentially Irish privilege of answering one question by asking 
another. 

‘‘ He did’nt ate your shirt ; that goat wouldn’t stale other 
people’s property no more than he’d floy in th’ air,” answered 
Mrs. O’Hooley, hotly ; ‘‘ he’s as innocint as a new born babby, 
ain’t you, Billy, darlin’?” and Mrs. O’ Dooley fondled the long 
goatee which adorned the animal’s under jaw. 

‘‘ Maype dot pilly coat is as innocent as dot papy dot ain’t 
yet peen porn yet, but all the same he has a peautiful new vite 
shirt inside of him dot I only pought six months ago in Fifth 
avenue for sixty-dree cents, und I gets dot money from you or 
else I vill kill dot coat, dot’s all ! ’’ shouted Mrs. Dinklebecker, 
whose face was as red as the sun at seven o’clock on a summer 
evening. 

This statement on the part of her German neighbor roused 
Mrs. O’Dooley’s wrath to a high pitch. She was angry before, 
but now she was what was known as “ hopping mad.” 

She danced around like a wild Indian and gave a whoop like 
a Comanche on the warpath. 

“ See here, Limburger,” she yelled, “ I was living in Gowanus 
when you an’ yer Budweiser husband were over in Germany dig- 
gin’ in the fields, when nayther him nor yerself knew what it was 
to have a shirt to yer backs, an’ here ye have th’ impudence to 
jabber at me, a dacent, honest woman, in yer Dutch brogue, an’ 
charge me, or me goat — ’tis the same ting — wid stalin’ a dirty 
ould sixty-cint shirt ! Phwhy, that billy goat wouldn’t demane 
himsel’ by atin’ a Dutchman’s shirt. He comes of too good 
shtock to do anything of the kind ; besides, it wouldn’t agree 
wid his insides. I tink if that goat iver ate anything Dutch be 
mistake, he’d die the next minute from disgusht, that’s phwat 
he’d do, ould noodle soup ! Put that in yer dhudeen an’ puff 
on it ! ” 

Mrs. O’Dooley’s voice rose higher and higher with each sen- 
tence, and when it came to the climax she fairly shrieked. 

Mrs. Dinklebecker listened with fire in her eye to this tirade, 
and wdien Mrs. O’Dooley had finished she replied quickly : 

“ Vot’s dot ? You call me a lawyer ? Y on say dot villy coat 
nefer didn’t eat dot shirt ? I say you lie packvards ; he did eat dot 
shirt ; und I dells you, old voman, dot ven you say me and my 
huspand didn’t have any shirts on our packs in Yarmany, you 
makes vun pig mistagke ; ve had shirts und eferyting ve vanted 
to eat und trink yen you and your old man, O’Tooley, vos eatin’ 


33 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


potatoes und sour milgk, und diggin’ in de pogs for goal to gook 
dem mit.” 

‘‘We lived in a castle in Ireland, let me tell you, Mrs. Din- 
klebecker ! ” interrupted Mrs. O’Dooley. 

“ O yes,” replied Mrs. Dinklebecker, “ I know de kind ; de 
same space did for a vindow and a door, und if it vas fastened on 
de inside, all you bad to do vas to reach your arm down the cliirn- 
ley, und open it, und let yourself in. Oh, I know dem Irish 
gastles, Mrs. O’Dooley. I know chust de kind dey vos, ha ! 
ha ! 

Mrs. Dinklebecker was so amused that she laughed loudly at 
her joke. 

“ That’s all right,’’ sneered Mrs. O’ Dooley, coming out on the 
sidewalk to where Mrs. Dinklebecker was standing, “ but my an- 
cesthral estates has nothing to do wid de charge yez med agin my 
goat ; I want you to take it back, do yez undherstand ? ” 

Mrs. O’Dooley shook her fist threateningly in her neighbor’s 
face, and scowled in a way which was intended to scare Mrs. 
Dinklebecker into a “ Dutch fit.’’ 

The goat had moved around behind Mrs. Dinklebecker by 
this time. 

“I understand nodings but dot de coat have shvollered my 
shirt, or my huspand’s shirt, dot I gave him for a Grismas bres- 
ent lasd New Year’s, und I vant sadisfaction, dot’s vot I vant ? ” 

Mrs. Dinklebecker here shook her fist in Mrs. O’Dooley’s 
face. 

Just as she did so the goat rose on his hind legs and butted 
her. 

He did it so effectually that Mrs. Dinklebecker’s fist landed 
in Mrs. O’Dooley’s eye. 

They landed in a heap on the sidewalk, and then began a real 
old-fashioned Gowanus scrap. 

The yelling of the principals and the “ma-a-a-ing” of the 
goat, which butted the contestants with great impartiality, soon 
brought a crowd around. 

The fighters were soon separated ; Mrs. O’Dooley and the 
goat were led into the house, and a sympathetic German woman 
persuaded Mrs. Dinklebecker to go home. 

Mrs. O’Dooley’s good looks will be interfered with for some 
time by a black eye, and Mrs. Dinklebecker will be more pre- 
sentable when the crossbar scratches left on her face by Mrs. 
O’Dooley’s nails have healed up. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


33 


CHAPTER VIII. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Goes to See “ The Taming of the Shrew.” 

As Mrs. McBrannigan was leaning over her front gate on 
Wednesday afternoon she noticed coming down the street the 
portly form of Mrs. Mulgrew. The saloon-keeper’s wife was 
radiant with smiles, and Mrs. McBrannigan of course felt in duty 
bound to comment good-naturedly upon her neighbor’s pleasant 
expression. 

An’ phwat’s the good news that’s makin’ yer face look so 
pleasant this afternoon, Mrs. Mnlgrew ? ” she inquired, as that 
woman rested her elbows upon the fence. 

Deed ’n’ ’tis good cause I have to look pleasant, Mrs. 
McBrannigan,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, for wasn’t I to the 
theayter lasht night ! Iver since I heerd Paddy Rooshky play 
the pianny I’ve been dyin’ to go to the Academy av Music again, 
but me cousin, that’s the scene-shifter, towld me there was nothin 
goin’ on there iver since but amachoor performances, an’ they’d 
be a dead loss to me ; nothing but a gang av judes and judesses 
makin’ gummy love to one another, an’ he knew I cud niver 
shtand that ; but wan night lasht week he kem up to the house, an’ 
sez he, ‘ Now’s yer time ; Angushtin Daly’s company is cornin’ here 
next week from New York, an’ if yez want to see a good show, 
take in The Tamin’ of the Shrew” on Choosda’ evenin’. 

‘ Well,’ sez I, ‘I niver heerd tell av Augushtin Daly before, 
but Daly’s a good Irish name, an’ I suppose the show’ll be first 
class ; can ye get us billboards, like ye did for Paddy Rooshky? ’, 
sez I. ‘ Oh, no ! ’ sez me cousin, ‘ there’s nary a billboard fiyin’ 
around for Daly’s shows, an’ if yez want to see it yez’ll have to 
pay yer way in.’ Any way, Mary Ann an’ meself wint down 
lasht night an’ I tell ye, Mrs. McBrannigan, it was jusht grand. 
I had to pay a dollar for two tickets, an’ thin had to climb half 
way to the sky to get a sate. It was an awful long ways from 
the stage, but wid them peepers av Mary Ann’s i very thing is 
brought right to the ind av yer nose, d’ye moind.” 

“ An’ phwat was the play about, at all, at all ? ” said Mrs. 
McBrannigan, becoming interested. 

3 


34 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Oh, ’twas wan av^ Spokeshear’s plays,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew 
loftily. Twas wrote a great many years ago, whin the min 
wore thim funny tight-fittin’ clothes to show off their legs, an’ 
be the same token ’tis a good thing they don’t wear thim 
nowadays, because it ud kape a woman busy darnin’ and patchin’ 
her huzhband’s clothes from morniii’ till night. Well, afther the 
music was over, the green screen was hishted up an’ the play 
began. There was a lot of tomfoolery in the first part that I 
cudn’t make head or tail of, but afther a while I began to catch 
the dhrift of it, and I enjoyed it tremenjously. 

A foine young fellow came in, wid a servant afther him, to 
call on an ould man wid whiskers that had two daughters in the 
market ; wan av thim was a moild shlob av a wan, that always 
did as she was bid, and niver said ^ Boo,’ but the other w^as a rale 
out-an’-out shrew ; as purty as an oil painting, but as hot timpered 
as the divil himself. Ivery time a young man ’ud come around 
to make love to her she’d fly into a rage and scare him so bad 
that he’d niver turn up again. But this young fellow that came 
in to see her father was made of different shtuff ; he to wid the 
ould man that he wanted to marry his daughter. The ould 
fellow took pity on him an’ gave him a few hints about her 
disposition not bein’ on the angelic make, but Petruchio — that 
was the fellow’s name — said he had been a lion tamer in his day 
and had no fear of a woman’s tongue. Thin the ould man wint 
out an’ sint in his daughther to the parlor, and she came in loike 
a shot from a gun. The actress that took the part av the shrew 
is a Miss Ada Behan. She was born in Ireland, so me cousin 
tells me, an’ was brought up right here in Brooklyn, so ’tis no 
wondher she’s so fine lookin’ an’ so clever. 

Well, as soon as she flew into the parlor, Petruchio stepped 
up to her, an' sez he, as bowld as ye plaze, ‘ Grood-mornin’, Kate. 
She marched over to the other side av the room, and sez she, 
‘ Oi’m not used to bein’ called be any such familiar names as 
thim, young man ; my name is Katherine.’ Well, the young man 
jusht laughed at her, an’ niver called her anything but Kate 
after that, jusht to taze her. They had a grand scrap, but ivery 
time she said anything sharp to him he’d meet her half way, and 
be the time her ould man keni in he had Katherine excited up 
to the biling pint. She called him a fool and an ass and several 
other impolite names, but he jusht shrniled an’ shmiled all the 
time, an’ phwin her father came in to see how they were makin’ 
out, Petruchio says to him, ^’She’s mine ; she’s promised to marry 
me to-morrow.’ 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


35 


Well, she does marry him, jusht forspifce, I suppose, but she 
thinks she’ll stay for a few days at her father’s house before she 
goes on her weddin’ tonr. He says she won’t ; she says she will ; 
and there they have it hot an’ heavy until he jusht catches her 
around the waist and throws her over his shoulder, loike a side 
av beef, and carries her home wid him to his own house. 

“ Whin they get there Kate is very hungry, but whin the din- 
ner is brought in Petruchio finds fault wid the way it’s cooked, 
and upsets the table and kicks the servants and the cook down 
stairs, an’ poor Kate has to go to bed widout a bite or sup on her 
marriage night. But she’s jusht as full of fight as iver. A 
man milliner comes in wid a new bonnet an’ dhress for her, but 
her huzhband doesn’t loike the cut av them, an’ he chases the 
man out av his house, bag an’ baggage. 

Well, to make a long story short, Mrs. McBrannigan, he 
kapes up his bossy ways until the shrew is as meek as a pet 
lamb. Whin the sun is shinin’ he calls it the moon, an’ she 
agrees wid him ; an’ whin an ould, bewhiskered fellow comes in 
he makes believe it’s a pretty gerrul, an’ Kate praises him up to 
the skies ; she niver thinks of contradictin’ him, an’ he has iviry- 
thing his own way. 

In the ind they grabbed hould of each other an’ kissed an’ 
made up an’ promised to be good to each other for the rest of 
their married life, an’ the green screen fell an’ the play was over ; 
but I’ll niver forget how beautiful it was, Mrs. Brannigan, niver,” 
and Mrs. Mulgrew smiled again. 

While the two women were talking the 6 o’clock whistle 
blew, and just as Mrs. Mulgrew was finishing her story, Maud 
came along and hurried into the house. 

“ Maud seems to be in a hurry this avenin’,” said Mrs. Mul- 
grew. 

Yes,” replied Maud’s mother, ‘‘she’s goin’ to the Grass- 
eaters’ picnic this avenin’ wid Dushty O’Dowd, an’ I must be in 
to give her her tay. Good-avenin’, Mrs. Mulgrew.” 

“ Good-avenin’,” answered Mrs. Mulgrew, as she walked 
slowly up the street, wearing the same wide smile which had 
attracted Mrs. McBrannigan’s attention as she came down the 
street a half hour before. 


36 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER IX. 

Tony’s Account of How Columbus Made His Discovery. 

This is a season of great rejoicing ; about four hundred years 
ago America was discovered by Christopher Columbus, and three 
hundred and ninety-nine years later Gowanus was discovered by 
the author of The Gowanusians.” That is, it wasn’t discovered 
exactly ; people have resided there for many years, but their 
peculiarities were as much unknown to the world as were the 
manners and customs of the Indians who were discovered by 
Columbus. 

Among the countrymen of Columbus who have since made the 
voyage to the shores of America is a fiery son of sunny Italy 
named Tony, who keeps a fruit-stand and boot-blacking plant on 
a prominent corner in one of the principal thoroughfares of 
Gowanus. 

For the past few days he has had his stand gayly decorated 
with flags, in honor of his great countryman, and has been hold- 
ing forth uniquely on the virtues and attributes of Columbus, to 
the great delight of his customers. 

One night last week he left his business in charge of his little 
boy and, taking a can from under the stand, went up to Mul- 
grew’s for a pint of beer. 

When he went in he was greeted with a loud chorus of Hello, 
Tony ! ” from the back part of the saloon, where our friends de 
gang ” were collected. 

Slob McTerrigan motioned to Tony to come over to him. 
When he approached. Slob said : 

See here, Tony, dis gang wants to know all about Christopher 
Columbus an’ wot he done. Dey don’t tink he wuz a great man 
at all, an’ I want yer to give it to dem straight. See?” 

Tony’s dark eyes flashed at this insinuation, and looking at 
the gang contemptuously he hissed, Colombo wasa da greates’ 
man dat ever liveda. See?’’ 

Well,” replied Slob, speaking for the crowd, tell dem wot 
he done, an’ den maybe dey’ll change dere minds.” 

Tony jumped on a chair, and gesticulated wildly as he made 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


37 


his speech, which was applauded at frequent intervals by Slob 
and ‘‘de gang.” 

“ Gent-amen,” he began, ‘‘I am here toa-night to tella you 
abouta da discovery of America by a da g-r-r-reat Ohristofo 
Colombo ! 

‘‘ He was a vera poora man in Italia, kepa da fruita standa an’ 
shinea da shoes for vera litta mon ; he noa lika to be a poora 
man, so he tinka wot to do to geta da bood’, just like da New 
York an’ da Brooklyn aldermen. 

Wana day de king of Spain stopped at da stand and tooka 
da pear, and da apple, an’ da peanuta, just likea da fresh cop ; 
noa paya for anything. 

Colomb’ he getta vera mad ; he say to him, ‘ See here, 
Ferdy ’ (he always called de king Ferdy ; he vera well acquaint’ 
wid him, you know) ‘ see here, Ferdy,’ he say, ‘ I’m sick an’ tired 
of disa stealin’ biz ; it’s bada ’nough to have a da Irish cop steala 
da peanut ; but youa tink because you’re a king dat you can do 
da same as da fly cop ; now, disa ting doan go no more. See ? ’ 
and Colomb’ shaka da feest in da king’s face; vera mad. 

‘‘ Den Ferdinand he say to him, ‘ Youa needa get so hot about 
disa ting, youa vera smarta man, Colomb’ ; too smarta for da fruita 
standa biz; why don’t you trya something else?’ Den Colomb’ 
he say, ^I know Ferdy, I’m too smarta for deesa bum business ; 
I have a greata scheme, but I havea no mon’ to float it ; I wanta 
geta beega da ship and go and discover America.’ Den Ferdy he 
say, ‘I have got nota mucha bood’ myself, Chris; but Bella, my 
old woman, she gota da big Balbriggan stockin’ full o’ chink ; I 
aska her to lena you some.’ 

Well, da nexta morn Ferdinand and Isabella dey got offa da 
car in front of da fruita stand, and dey havea da big guff wit’ 
Chris, all about America. Den Bella she say, ^ Chris, you take 
deesa old Balbriggan stockin’ I been a savin’ alia ma life, and eef 
you noa have enough taka deesa rings anda deesa breastpin to da 
Simps’ and see whata youa get for dem, an’ sella da fruita stand, 
an’ go buya da ship an’ deescover America.’ 

‘^Well, Chris ver’glad; he takes da stockin’ an’ da golda 
plated jewelry an’ sella da stand an’ buya da ship an’ hire da sailor 
an’ geta da new velvet suit, wid da longa white socks, an’ start 
out across da sea. 

“ Well, after abouta forty-five day da steerage passengers geta 
vera seeck, an’ dey say to Chris, ‘ How ’bout dees ? Wea thought 
you makea da great deescov’ ! If by to-morrow night you no 


38 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


deescover America wea go back home.’ Den Chris, lie say, 

‘ Don’t be sucha damma fools. Whena we get to da shore evera 
one will get a job, buildin’ da water- work an’ da trolley railroad. 
Makea mucha dust. See ? 

^‘Dey say, ‘alia right, Chris,’ den da sail two, three, foiira 
day, an’ one ofa da sailors holler out, I seea land ! hurray ? Den 
Colomb’ he look through da spyaglass an he say, ’dat’s it, dat’s 
Coney Island.’ So da ship sail up to da iron pier, an Chris step 
on da dock, an march up to Westa Brighton. He have vera biga 
time, meeta Johnny McKane an’ go all through da Bowery, eata 
da sausage, look at da show, drinka da small glass of beer, hava 
da spiel wid de fly chippie, seea da box at da Coney Island atha- 
letic club, biga time. Nexta day he go up to Manhatta Beach an’ 
meeta Georga Wash, an’ dey hava da swim togedder, den dey eata 
biga lunch an’ go in to heara da mus’ by da greata Gilmore. 

Da nexta day dey takea da train for New York, and 
Wash he say to Chris, ‘ Whata brought you over here anyway? ’ 
and Chris he say, ‘A ship, Georgie ; did youa tink I walked over, 
or swam?’ Chris he vera smarta man; lika joka vera much. 
‘ Well,’ George say, ‘you musta join da Tammany hall, or you 
hava noa show at all.’ ‘Alla right,’ Chris say. So dey go into 
da Bowery, an Chris buya da suit of clothes, and da higha hat, an 
da diamond stud, and da biga bada seegar, an hava da hair cut 
short, an da clean shave, an maka da face lika da Mick, and den 
Wash taka him to da Cita Hall, and swear out da papers for him, 
and geta him a softa job to boss de Dagos data cleana da street. 

“ Bima by, Chris geta vera rich ; he goa into da padrone biz, 
brings da poor Dagos over, an maka dem worka lika da dev’ for 
two, tree shillin’ a day ; geta vera rich, live in da Fift’ av’, driva 
da dog cart, wida da Irish footaman behind; put on mucha 
lugs. 

“ One time he hired a steamer an’ sailed back to Italia, to tella 
da Ferdinand an’ Isabella ’bout da deescovery ; he land in Italia, 
an’ de maka big a fuss : soldiers hava da big parade ; electric lights 
all over da country ; da ballet girls dance all da time for Chris ; he 
feela lika jump over da moon. 

“ But he gota vera seeck, disa time ; I tink he eata tooa mucha 
macaroni, an’ drinka too mucha wine ; anyway he die ; dey hava 
da big funeral, pipes an’ tobac’ an’ da beer an’ da whisk’ for evra- 
boda free ; flva hundred coaches anda six brassa band ; everaboda 
ver sorry for poor Colomb’s wife, but she geta da mon’ from da 
insurance company, an’ she feel vera good.” 


THE GOWANUSIAiTS. 


39 

gent-amen, don’t youatink Columb’ was da greates’ 
man in da world?’ asked Tony, as he. jumped down from his 
perch. 

Cert,’’ replied Slob ; say, fellers, Columbus was O. K., but 
wot’s de matter wid Tony ? ” 

He’s all right ! ” the gang yelled. 

Who’s all right?” asked Slob, with a rising inflection. 

Tony ! ’’ shouted the crowd in unison. 

‘‘Who is Tony?” demanded Slob. 

“ First in crackers, first in cheese, first in lager beer np to his 
knees ? ” was the response of the crowd, with a vim which almost 
took Tony’s breath away. 

Then “ de gang ’’ “ lined up ” against the bar, and Tony’s speech 
on the discovery of America cost him just Y5 cents for schooners, 
which were downed by the crowd with great alacrity. 

Then Tony had his can filled, and went back to his stand, 
poorer but wiser, to ponder over the problem of what benefit 
Columbus’ discovery had been to him, and failing to solve it, he 
soothed himself with a long draught from the can. 


40 


THE OOWANFSIA.NS. 


OHAPTEE X. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s Adventures as ‘‘Shaffyone” at a Bowl- 
ing Club. 

Mrs. McSniffigan, who is Mrs. Miilgrew’s rival in the leader- 
ship of elite Gowanus society, was just coming down the steps 
of her residence on Thursday morning last when whom should 
she happen to meet but the saloon-keeper’s wife herself. 

The usual salutations were exchanged, and then Mrs. McSnif- 
figan, noticing that Mrs. Mulgrew’s hand was bandaged with an 
immense amount of white muslin, inquired in a society ishly 
solicitous fashion, which she was able to assume at a moment’s 
notice, “ Phwhat ails yer hand, Mrs. Mulgrew ? Did ye hurt it 
doin’ somethin’ around the house ? ” 

“ Xo, indade,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, with a contemptuous 
toss of her head. “ ’Twas in a more high toned occupation than 
household dhrudgery that I met wid me accident.” Then, with 
an indescribably consequential air, she added : “ I had me thumb 
squashed on Monda’ avenin’ at the bowlin’ club.” 

“At the phwhat?” said Mrs. McSniffigan, in surprise. 

“At the bowlin’ club,” repeated Mrs. Mulgrew in a louder 
tone, which was intended to impress Mrs. McSniffigan with the 
importance of the fact that a bowdin’ club was something out of 
the ordinary run of Gowanus affairs. 

“Well, bless me heart!” exclaimed Mrs. McSniffigan, 
“ phwhat’ll ye be up to next, I wondher ; deed ’n’ ’tis a great sur- 
prise to me that that a woman of your age an’ size, wid yer fatty 
congluberation of the heart, wouldn’t have betther sinse than to 
be meddlin’ wid games that ye know nothin’ about ; phwhat was 
it that put it into yer head to put yer fut into a bowlin’ alley at 
all at all?” 

“ Well,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, “ that daughter o’ mine, Mary 
Ann, has been gettin’ a good many high-toned notions lately ; 
she’S' been mixin’ in wid some high up folks, an’ goin’ to Phil 
Marnick’s concerts in the Academy of Music, given by the sym- 
pathy band from Boshton, an’ to other affairs o’ the same sort for 
the lasht few months. Xow it seems that the people that she’s 


THE GOWANUSIANS, 


41 


been associatin’ wid have a bowlin’ club and they invoited Mary 
Ann to attind the meetin’ lasht Monday night. She read the 
letther foivme, an’ thin sez she, ‘ Maw, you’ll have to come wid 
me on Monda’ avenin, as me shaffyone, bekase thim frinds o’ 
mine is very partic’lar on thim points. ‘ An’ phwhat the divil is 
a shaffyone ? ’ sez I ; ‘ will 1 have to hire a mashquerade suit, or 
will me Imerald ball dhress do ? ’ Well, she scolded me for five 
or tin minits for me ignorance, an’ thin she explained that a shaf- 
fyone was only a Frinch name for a mother or any wan else that 
goes wid a young gerrul to an affair of that kind, to see that she 
behaves properly an’ doesn’t have any flirtations or carryin’s on 
wid ondesirable young min, an’ points out the advoisability of 
thrying to make a good match for herself while the sun shines on 
her side of the sthreet, an’ siveral other things too numerous to 
mintion. 

‘‘Well, I towld Mary Ann that I didn’t care to go; that I 
had perfect confidence in her, and that I knew she had better 
sinse than to take up wid any chicken-breasted dude, or any- 
thing o’ that sort, but she said that all the young gerruls 
in the ‘set ’ had shaffyones, an’ that she didn’t care to be 
different from the rest. She gev me great insthructions about 
kapin’ me mouth shut for fear I might put me fut in it, an’ 
I promised her I wmd thry an’ behave the besht I knew how. 
Well, on Monda’ avenin’ we dhressed ourselves in our new 
shpring dhresses, lined wid that horrible shtiff shtuff that 
don’t give ye a chance to be a bit graceful, an’ havin’ big puffs 
on the sleeves an’ big flapping’ things on the chist, for all the 
world like the ears av a circus elephant. I didn’t want to have 
mine made that way, but Mary Ann insisted that nothin’ else 
would be anyway stylish, so I let her have her way, although the 
puffs an’ things makes me look the size of a house an’ a half.” 

“ Well, we got on the car, an’ rode down-town to the bowlin’ 
alley, an’ whin we got there, faith I was glad I had on my crino- 
lines an’ me puffs an’ me flaps, for ivery wan o’ the gerruls an’ 
the shaffyones had them, of ivery shape an’ form an’ size, an’ if I 
wan’t dressed as good as any wan’ o’ thim I’d have been mortified 
to death on Mary Ann’s account. 

I was inthrojuced to all the different people, an’ thin I sat 
down on a chair as Mary Ann insthructed me to, as stiff as a 
gurnet, but wan o’ the other shaffyones, a very nice, civil spoken 
woman, dhrew her chair up close to mine, an’ began a conversa- 
tion, an’ of course I was only too glad to get a chance to pass away 


42 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


the time, bekase it was v^ery moiiotonioiis lookin’ at the young 
folks bowlin’ an’ me sittin’ there like figure wan on a sheet o’ 
paper. I was jusht in the middle of me chat with the other ould 
woman, whin I noticed a thin, gawky lookin’ fellow passin’ 
schmall talk wid Mary Ann, an’ goin’ on in a way I didn’t like, 
so I axed the lady to excuse me for a minute, an’ I called Mary 
Ann over to me. 

Sez I, ‘ May ’ (ye know I always have to call her May pwhin 
we’re out in society). ‘ May,’ sez I, ‘ I don’t like the looks o’ that 
slabsided gawk that ye’ve just been dallyin’wid, an’ ’tis me juty as 
shaffyone to warn ye to beware of him ; I think he’s lookin’ afther 
yer father’s money.’ ‘ Why, Maw,’ sez she, ‘ that is wan o’ 
the nicest young min in the club, an’ I wish ye wudn’t inther- 
fare wid me whin I’m havin’ such a nice time.’ ‘ All right,’ sez 
1, ‘ fire away, have all the fun ye want, but as long as ye brought 
me here as a shaffyone, I thought I’d thry an’ carry out the iday 
of it.’ Thin she left me an’ wint on wid her bowlin’ an’ I con- 
tinued me conversation wid the other shaffyone. I began to ob- 
sarve the conduct of the other shaffy ones afther that, an’ I saw that 
they were only there as an excuse, an’ phwhiniver the gerruls did 
anything obsthreperous or comical all they did was to smile or not 
purtind to notice it, so I did the same afther that and got along 
first rate. 

‘‘ Whin we wor in there a while it got very warrum, an’ I got 
very dhry, an’ jusht thin wan o’ the young min called a waither 
an’ stood thrate. He axed me phwhat I’d have, an’ I called for me 
ould standby, a good glass o’ mixed ale. I cud see Mary Ann 
makin’ faces at me to ordher ginger ale or sasparella, but I had me 
own way ; shure I cudn’t allow her to boss me in iverything ; if I 
did I wudn’t have the life of a dog at home or abroad. Well, 
whin the waither kem down wid the dhrinks he brought down a 
beautiful big supply of free lunch ; there was cold ham, an’ boxes 
o’ sardines, an’ a big dish o’ hard biled eggs, and slathers o’ bread 
and butther. The young folks tuk a little sandwich apiece, by 
the way that they were so polite an’ delicate like, and thin wint 
on wid their bowlin’, but the shaffyones all turned right around 
an’ pitched in for the feed like a hod carrier afther a hard day’s 
work, an’, of coorse, I was jusht as hungry as any o’ thim, an’ 
ate me fill. 

Phwhile we wor atin’ the waither keem in again, an’ I sez to 
the rest o’ the shaffyones ‘ I think it is my turn to thrate now. 
W e’ll jusht have another quiet dhrink here bechune ourselves, an’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


4B 


although they said it was agin’ the rule o’ the club to allow any 
strangers to thrate, still, as long as I insisted, they didn’t mind if 
they did take a little somethin’ wid me. Well, we had a dhrink 
apiece, an’ jusht as we wor demolishin’ the lasht o’ the free lunch, 
wan o’ the young min kem over an’ sez he, ^ We’re goin’ to bowl 
the lasht ^ame, ladies, an’ we’d like to have the shaffyones join in 
wid us.’ W^ell, I tuk off me gloves an’ me bonnet, an’ the young 
man that was so attentive to Mary Ann towld me how to 
sthand an’ fling the ball down the alley so as to knock down the 
rows of the Injin clubs that the little boys wor afther standin’ 
on ind at the lower part o’ the alley. 

Well, I thought I’d follow a plan o’ me own in thryin’ to 
knock down the clubs, instid of takin’ the young dude’s advice, 
bekase I didn’t like his ways, for I thought he was thryin’ to 
make fun o’ me. Thin I started on a run down the alley wid the 
ball in me hand, so as to be nearer to the Injin clubs phwin I 
threw the ball. I didn’t know that thim bowlin’ alleys wor so 
slippery, or mebbe the free lunch an’ the mixed ale med me 
dizzy, but anyway, the first thing I knew I was upside down in 
the middle o’ the alley, wid the Injin clubs flyin’ all around . me, 
an’ all the stars in the skies seemed to be fastened to the ceilin’. 
The big bowlin’ ball flew up in the air out o’ me hand an’ landed 
hot an’ heavy on top o’ me poor thumb : I kem very near faintin’ 
away, but wan’ o’ the young min ran up-stairs an’ got a glass o’ 
whishky an’ gev it to me, at the same time advisin’ me to soak me 
thumb in it to rejuce the shwellin’, but I thought the whishky ’ud 
do me a great dale more good inside, so I dhrank it an’ thanked 
the young man for bein’ so kind to me. I wrapped me handker- 
cher around me thumb, an’ Mary Ann an’ meself kem home. 

I’m jusht on me way to the docthor’s wid it now. He says 
’tis a bad bruise. I’ll be all right in a couple o’ weeks ; but I’ll tell 
ye right now, Mrs. McSnifflgan, that if I iver go again wid Mary 
Ann to a bowlin’ club as a shaffyone I’ll be quite contint if they 
do all the bowlin’ an’ let me attind to the free lunch an’ mixed 
ale.” / 

After a few words of sympathy from Mrs. McSnifflgan, Mrs. 
Mulgrew bade her good-morning and went on her way to the doc- 
tor’s, while Mrs. McSniftigan went back into the house to tell her 
daughter Ethel of the latest adventures of their eccentric neigh- 
bor. 


44 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 




CHAPTER XL 

Mr. Mulgrew Determines to Celebrate Columbus’ Dis- 
covery. 

On Tuesday morning, when Mr. Mulgrew had finislied his 
breakfast, he pushed his chair back from the table, and called out, 
“ Mary Ann !” 

Mrs. Mulgrew emerged from the kitchen with her hand on her 
gingham apron. 

Mrs., Mulgrew had just begun some washing, and she was not 
at all pleased when she had to leave it in obedience to the peremp- 
tory summons of her liege lord. 

Her face wore a decided frown as she came into the dining- 
room. 

I may add that when Mrs. Mulgrew’s face took on a forbid- 
ding expression, it was not the pleasantest thing in the world to 
contemplate. 

Some faces are said to look like half-past six on certain occa- 
sions. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s face didn’t look anything so ordinary as that. 

It looked as though it had been left out in the rain all night 
and had become warped on the bias as a result. 

But her husband was quite used to her facial contortions and 
didn’t mind in the least. 

He had often told her that he had not married her for her face, 
but for her iigure. 

The $1,500 which Mrs. Mulgrew had saved up during her 
career as a cook was the figure to which Mr. Mulgrew had reference. 

Her physicaLfigure was not startlingly Venus di Miloish in its 
proportions. 

It was more on the style of which the late lamented J umbo 
was a perfect representative. 

Phwhat’s up now ?” asked Mrs. Mulgrew in a short, sharp 
fashion, which meant that she wanted an answer by return mail, 
as it were, or she would know the reason why. 

Be aisy,” answered her husband quietly, as he went on fill- 
ing his pipe with a mixture of tobacco and dust from the corner 


THE GOWNAIJSIANS. 


45 


of his coat pocket ; there’s no occasion for makin’ Paddy Fitzgub- 
bins’ mother out of yerself, at all at all.’’ 

Well, 1 have me work to do, and I can’t stop here gassin’ 
wid the likes o’ you the whole blessed day,” retorted Mrs. Mul- 
grew hotly ; ‘‘so I want to know phwhy ye called me ?” 

“ Whisht now ; sit down for a few seconds till I light me pipe, 
an’ tell ye phwy I called ye from the face o’ your washtub,” said 
Mr. Mnlgrew as he pressed the choice assortment of tobacco, etc., 
into the bowl of his “ dhudeen ” and proceeding ta light a 
match, leisurely watching the sulphur as it burned, previous to 
applying it to his pipe. 

Mrs. Mulgrew was “ peppering,” but feminine curiosity got 
the better of her anger, so she folded her hands in her lap and 
sat down. 

When Mr. Mulgrew had started his pipe to his satisfaction, 
he turned toward his wife and began : 

‘^Do yez know that there’s goin’ to be a great cellybration in 
Brooklyn on Friday in honor of Christopher Columbus, Mary 
Ann ?” 

“ I didn’t know about it, but I’m glad to hear the news,” an- 
swered Mrs. Mulgrew, in a sarcastic tone ; “ but bearin’ about cel- 
lybrations won’t wash clothes, Misther Mulgrew, an’ if ye kape 
me here much longer, divil of a clane shirt will ye have on Frida’ 
to put on to cellybrate the day ; so if you’ll excuse me I’ll be 
goin’.” 

“ Howld on ; howld on,” said Mr. Mulgrew, till I tell yez 
phwhat I want to say. I want you to go down-town afther din- 
ner and buy a big bundle of flags and shtreamers so’s we can 
decorate the front of the store in honor of Christopher Colum- 
bus.” 

An’ phwhat do you want to be such a jackass for as to 
throw away yer money decoratin’ yer store for a Dago ? Phwhat 
nonsense,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a contemptuous toss of her 
head ; “ phwhat did Columbus iver do for you, or me, or Ireland ? 
Did he iver sind a subscription to the Home Rule fund, or do any 
other dacent hand’s turn for the ould sod ? ” “ Oh, shut up, shut 
up ! ” said her husband in a disgusted way ; “ you ought to know 
betther than to talk like that ; phwhere would we be to-day if it 
wasn’t for Columbus? Diggin’ in the bogs at home instid av 
makin’ a fine livin’ in Growanus; phwhere would all the Irish- 
men and women who have made fame and fortune in this 
glorious land o’ the free be to-day if it wasn’t for Columbus’ dis- 


46 


THE GOWANUSIANS, 


covery ? At home, grovelin’ oa their stomachs under the iron 
heel of landlordism an’ royalty, Mary Ann, an’ glad to get a 
chance to kiss the toe of the divils that held them in slavery ; 
phwhist, nol de diddle ! what did Columbus iver do for poor 
Ireland ? Phwhy, he did more than Robert Emmet and Daniel 
O’Connell and Parnell and Gladstone and all the agitators and 
lighters and Home Rule fund collectors that iver walked or talked. 
Be oflE wid you now, an’ whin yer ready to go down-town, let me 
know, an’ I’ll give ye money enough to buy the finest lot of 
decorations that’s iver been seen in Gowanus, an’ don’t you for- 
get it!” 

With this parting injunction, Mr. Mulgrew went down-stairs, 
and when his wife had recovered from the effects of his eloquent 
discourse, she went back to her washing, and in a short time had 
her husband’s shirts and her daughter’s petticoats out on the line. 

Mrs. Mulgrew was very proud of Mary Ann’s white shirts ; 
they were of such a fine quality and trimmed with such expen- 
sive embroidery that she took a positive delight in washing them, 
and always put them on the line nearest the street, so that the 
neighbors could have a full view of their beauties, which were 
usually concjealed when Mary Ann wore them, unless it happened 
to be a very muddy day. 

When Mrs. Mulgrew had arranged the dainty articles on the 
line to her satisfaction, she went up-stairs and busied herself pre- 
paring the dinner, which meal is usually eaten by the Gowanu- 
sians at the unfashionable but sensible hour of noon. 

When the repast was over Mr. Mulgrew took out a roll of 
bills and, peeling off several tens, threw them across the table to 
his wife, admonishing her to be sure to buy enough bunting and 
flags to smother the whole house from top to bottom. 

When the dinner dishes had been washed and put away, Mrs. 
Mulgrew and Mary Ann washed themselves carefully and put on 
their best “ Sunday go-to-meetin’s.” 

Then Mary Ann took an atomizer and squirted cologne over 
her mother until Mrs. Mulgrew declared she was ‘‘ stufficated wid 
the shmell.” 

Then Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann started down-town to buy 
the flags and decorations, after again being admonished by Mr. 
Mulgrew to be sure and buy a plentiful supply. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


47 


OHAPTEE XIL 

Mbs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann Go Shopping for Decorations. 

As Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann sailed down the street to 
take the car down-town to purchase the decorations which were 
to be displayed in honor of Columbus, all the neighbors ran to 
their windows and gazed after them in admiration or envy or dis- 
gust, according to their tempers or dispositions. 

This scrutiny to which they were subjected annoyed Mary 
Ann very much, but it did not disturb her mother in the least, as 
she rather enjoyed the sensation she created every time she went 
down the street dressed in her best clothes. 

As soon as they got on the car, however, Mary Ann felt more 
at ease, and she devoted her energies to the task of trying to teach 
her mother the beauties of repose. 

Repose ” was something of which Mrs. Mulgrew knew very 
little, and wanted to know less. 

Mary Ann, however, being a modern girl, wished to make her 
mother understand the value of a low voice in conversation, and 
some other things, which help to make a rough person seem half 
way refined. 

I need not remark that, as Mrs. Mulgrew had a strong will of 
her own, Mary Ann had a hard task in trying to subdue her 
mother’s natural exuberance. 

Mary Ann alwas insisted upon calling her mother “ Ma,” 
which did not suit Mrs. Mulgrew at all. 

It always reminds me of a lost goat callin’ for its mother,’’ 
she would say, when Mary Ann tried to impress upon her 
that “Ma” sounded much better than plain, old fashioned 
“mother.” 

They had the sanae trouble when Mary Ann insisted upon 
being called “ May.” 

HaK the time her mother would forget it, and when, in ex- 
cited moments, she would blurt out “ Mary Ann,” poor May would 
sigh and blush, and wish she had never been born, and pray for 
the ground to open and swallow her up, and several other things 
too numerous to mention. 


48 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Mary Ann did not care much about going shopping through 
the large down-town stores with her mother, because she was al- 
ways sure to either get into a squabble with a salesman or make 
some “ bad break,” which invariably caused Mary Ann great hu- 
miliation. She felt pretty safe this time, however, as she imagined 
there could be no difficulty in selecting a supply of appropriate 
decorations. 

They got off the car in front of the leading dry goods store of 
Brooklyn. ' 

(The proprietor of every large store in the city will probably 
smile to himself as he reads this line, thinking he has received a 
free ad ; a smile is a good thing, however, so let them smile.) 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann pushed through the crowd and 
got inside the door. 

They encountered the head floorwalker, who is usually the 
most prominent thing in every large dry goods store. 

He is generally a very tall man, with a military carriage, gray 
hair, a deep voice and a large mustache, which he twirls contin- 
ually, except when he has his hands folded behind his back. 

A Prince Albert coat is the only garment the head floorwalker 
ever wears. He can thrust his hand between the buttons on the 
front and strike an attitude that Alls the cash boy with awe and 
the pretty little $3.50-a-week blondes behind the perfumery 
counter with an attack of admiration which lasts until some cream- 
color coated chappie comes along and asks for a stick of mustache 
wax in a hesitating, uncertain way, which causes the crowd of 
three-cases-and-a-half-a-week-and-pay-your-own-car-fare blondes 
to burst out into a unanimous giggle. 

‘‘We wants to buy some decorations,” said Mrs. Mulgrew to 
the lordly mustache twister. 

“ What do you wish to use them for, rnadame ? ” he inquired 
stiffly. 

“ It’s none o’ yer business phwhat I wants to use them for. I 
have the money in me pocket to pay for phwhat I gets, an’ I’ll 
take no back talk from ye, or any wan else, d’ye moind,’’ said 
Mrs. Mulgrew. 

Mary Ann began to feel uncomfortable. If the squabbling 
began at the very door, where would it end ? 

She blushed and whispered to the lord of the center aisle, 
“We wish to see some bunting for decorating a building.” 

“All right, miss,” replied the floorwal&r, recovering his 
composure ; “ take the elevator to the sixth floor, walk eight 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


49 


sections to the right and then down the store as far as you can 
go.” 

Then the head floorwalker bowed and approached another 
customer who had just entered the door. 

It’s too bad we didn’t bring a reporther wid us, Mary Ann,” . 
said Mrs. Mulgrew, to take down the diagram o’ the thrip ; do 
yez think we’ll be able to And it, aftlier all ?” 

Mary Ann made no reply, but led the way to the elevator, in 
which tifiey were quickly conveyed to the sixth floor. 

Another floorwalker met them here, and, learning what they 
needed, ushered them to the bunting counter, where they seated 
themselves in front of a dapper clerk with a tired, I’m-too-talented- 
for-this-$8-a-week-job sort of a look in his eye, the effect of 
which was lost on prosaic Mrs. Mulgrew. 

“ Come, sonny, an’ show us some flags an’ sthreamers, an’ be 
quick about it, too,” was the order she gave, which brought the 
dapper little clerk down from the clouds to the earth with a dull, 
sickening thud. 

He twisted his infinitesimal mustache, and asked slowly, 

“ Aw, what kind did you wish to get ?” 

‘‘ Every kind,’’ replied Mrs. Mulgrew ; the besht yez have in 
the house is none too good for me.” 

The tired clerk produced a roll of bunting, with alternate 
stripes of red and yellow, laid it on the counter, and resumed 
operations on his mustache. 

Mrs. Mulgrew became furious at once. Phwat do yez mane 
be insultin’ me in this way ?”she exclaimed. I axed yez to show 
me decorations, an’ yez bring me out a pair o’ the ugliest, dirtiest^ 
colors in the place. Do ye suppose I’d belittle mesel’ de decoratin’ 
me house wid the English red an’ the Orangeman’s yaller ? How 
dar ye show me such colors as thim ?” and Mrs. Mulgrew tossed 
the loose end of the bunting into the clerk’s face. 

When he extricated himself from the folds he ventured an ex- 
planation. 

‘‘ This ain’t English, nor Orange, madame ; these are the Span- 
ish colors. As you know, Spain had a good deal to do with the 
discovery of America, and they are using lots of this for decorat- 
ing,” said the clerk, as he tried to arrange his hair, which the 
contact with the bunting had rumpled considerably. 

‘‘ I don’t care phwhat it is,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, hotly. 

The soight of id makes me sick, an’ if I brought any of it home 
4 


50 


THE OOWANUSIANS. 


to me liuzband, I moight as well lave the house. Take it away 
an’ show us somethin’ else.” 

The clerk folded up the bunting, put it away, and produced a 
roll of Italian colors. This seemed to strike Mrs. Mulgrew’s 
fancy. 

“ There’s a dacent decoration ! ” she exclaimed ; red, white 
an’ green. That’s more like it. Gimme about forty yards o* 
that.^’ 

‘‘We ought to have some red, white and blue, too, ma,’’ sug- 
gested Mary Ann, quietly. 

“ Yis, yis,” said her mother ; “ I forgot; slash off about fifty 
yards of the stars an’ stripes, an’ say ! I want two fiags, the big- 
gest an’ finest yez have.” 

“ A Spanish fiag and an Italian fiag make a very pretty com- 
bination,” said the dapper youth. 

“ Niver mind yer purty combinations,’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew, 
quickly, “ ’tis an Irish flag an’ an American flag I want ; don’t 
dar’ to show me that small-pox an’ Johnny Bull arrangement 
again, or I’ll have ye sacked right off.” 

The dapper clerk produced the two flags, and was forced to 
open them out to their full length and width, so that Mrs. Mul- 
grew could see what she was getting. When she had admired 
the combination of the stars and bars and harp sufficiently, she 
called for the bill, paid it, left her address, and she and Mary Ann 
returned to Gowanus. 

The next day Slob McTerrigan and Plug McGee, under Mi*. 
Mulgrew’s directions, made festoons and loops and fearful and 
wonderful drapery with the bunting and flags, and when the job 
was done Mr. Mulgrew stood out in the middle of the street, and 
as he gazed at the general effect, his bosom swelled with pride, 
and he was the happiest man in Gowanus. 

As for his wife, she felt so pleased at the result of her artistic 
taste in selecting the colors that she began to think Gowanus was 
entirely too small a place for a person of her refinement and good 
taste. 


THE G0WANDSIAN8. 


51 


CHAPTER XIIL 

How THE Appetite of Mrs. O’Dooley’s Goat Made Mr. 

McBrannigan Lose His Vote. 

In the barber-shop next to Mulgrew’s saloon, which is kept by 
Poll Parrot Jim ” McGlne, there was great bustle and confu- 
sion on election morning. 

The voting was to take place there, and as Poll Parrot Jim ’’ 
had been up late the night before he forgot to wake up in time 
to have the place in readiness for the election officers, who arrived 
at his door half an hour before sunrise. 

After a fearful lot of pounding on the door, accompanied by 
the throwing of a few bricks through his bedroom window, “ Poll 
Parrot Jim ’’ woke up, rubbed his eyes, came to the window and 
looked out. 

There in front of the shop, were two policemen, poll clerks, 
ballot clerks, inspectors and the other folks whose presence is re- 
quired to see that the election is carried on in proper shape, all 
clamoring to Jim to let them in. 

It suddenly flashed on Jim that election day had come, and 
hastily drawing on his pantaloons, he flew down-stairs and opened 
the door. 

Then there was a busy scene ; the barber chairs, cups, mugs, 
spittoons, razors, everything that was in the way was thrown out 
upon the sidewalk so that the booths and railing could be put up 
and the voting started. 

Poll Parrot Jim ’’ stood on the sidewalk protesting at the 
wanton destruction of his property, but nobody paid any attention 
to him, except to hurl some epithet at him which was always 
more remarkable for force than elegance. 

Finally everything was ready for the voters, a number of 
whom had been waiting for over an hour for a chance to deposit 
their ballots. 

Poll Parrot Jim ” got a couple of the boys to help him 
carry his traps into Mulgrew’s for the day, and because some one 
stole a shaving outfit, consisting of a gilt edged mug, a brush and 
a razor, he stood around the polls all day, abusing the officials. 


52 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


calling them thieves and other not nice names ; but they, knowing 
Jim’s weakness, which, as may be guessed from his nickname, 
was a fondness for talking, paid no attention to him whatever. 

Mr. Mulgrew was the first man to vote. For fifteen years 
Mul has held the record as the first voter at every election, and 
although he has had some pretty tough scraps in keeping up his 
reputation as an early voter, he has managed so far to hold his 
own. 

The election officials had the usual trouble explaining how to 
fold the ballots, and so on, with a number of the voters who fol- 
lowed Mr. Mulgrew, but no incident of any account occurred 
until Mr. McBrannigan came in to exercise his right as a citizen 
of the great United States to signify his choice of candidates by 
means of the secret ballot. 

Mr. McBrannigan’s early education was of so little account 
that he could not read anything except large signs, and even 
those he read very stumblingly. 

So he went to the Democratic booth, which was at some dis- 
tance from the polling place, and asked for a straight Dimicratic 
posther.” He was provided with a regulation paster, which he 
placed in the hip pocket of his overalls, and then walked down 
the street to McGlue’s barber shop to deposit his vote. 

It happened that one end of the paster projected from Mr. 
McBrannigan’s pocket and as he crossed the street the bit of 
white paper attracted the attention of Mi*s. O’Dooley’s Billy 
goat. 

The goat had had nothing but brown paper to eat for several 
days, and he made up his mind that a taste of white paper would 
be a welcome change, so he stole up cautiously behind Mr. 
McBrannigan. 

He caught the projecting part of the paster in his teeth, and 
with a quick movement lifted it out of Mr. McBrannigan’s 
pocket. 

Mr. McBrannigan, full of the importance of the high duty he 
was about to perform, never felt or saw the theft of his “postlier” 
by the villainous goat, which stood in the middle of the street, 
contentedly munching his breakfast of candidates. 

Mr. McBrannigan marched proudly into the polling-place 
and after announcing his name and residence received his ballots 
from the ballot clerk, who volunteered to show him how to fold 
the tickets. 

Mr. McBrannigan indignantly refused his assistance. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


53 


‘‘ Haven’t I attinded the place where they insthruct voters for 
the last month ? ” said he, “ an’ I guess I know how to vote 
widout havin’ the loikes o’ ye thinkin’ to make me out an omad- 
haun intoirely.” 

With this speech, Mr. McBrannigan walked into the nearest 
booth. 

He laid the ballots on the shelf and smiled as he reached into 
his back pocket for the posther.” 

The smile died from its face as he realized that he was gone. 

He hurried back to the counter where the ballot-boxes were 
and asked in a highly excited way who had stolen his “ posther.” 

Every one in the place denied any knowledge of its where- 
abouts. 

Then Mr. McBrannigan went back to his booth and looked 
all around the floor, but no trace of the posther ’ could be 
seen. 

Then he looked helplessly at the flve ballots on the shelf and 
tried his level best to nnd the name of Grover Cleveland on one 
of them, but it was no use; the print was too small, or some- 
thing ; anyway he gave it up and came out with the ballots in his 
hand. 

Say,’’ be began, ‘‘will some o’ yez that has yer glasses wid 
ye pick out the straight Dimicratic ticket for me ; the print is too 
small for me failin’ sight.” 

Everybody laughed except the policeman, who took Mc- 
Brannigan by the arm and led him back, in spite of his objec- 
tions, to the booth, and telling him to go in and go behind 
himself, shut the door upon him. 

Mr. McBrannigan was puzzled. He stared at the ballots for 
almost ten minutes, and then, seeing no way out of his difliculty, 
he got mad. 

He came out again and began to talk, but as he had already 
spent more time in the booth than the law allows, and, as others 
were waiting, his ballots were taken from him and he was hustled 
out without ceremony into the street. 

So, through the depraved appetite of a Gowanus billy goat, . 
Cleveland and Stevenson lost one good vote, but as Kings 
County gave them such a rousing majority, poor McBrannigan’s 
vote was scarcely missed. 

The day after election, when Grover’s success was assured, 
Mr. Mulgrew got Slob McTerrigan to decorate the house all over 
with the bunting his wife had purchased for the Columbus cele- 


54 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


bratioii, and many glasses of brown October (mixed) ale were 
quaffed over the bar in honor of the great victory. 

In consequence of his election day experience, Mr. Mc- 
Brannigan has withdrawn his patronage from “Poll Parrot 
Jim’s’’ barber shop, and henceforth will have his tonsorial art 
work done by Macaroni Tony, who gives a kerosene oil shampoo 
with every five-cent shave. 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


55 


CHAPTER XIY. 

Mr. and Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann Go to the Emerald 

Ball. 

Last Thursday morning, as Mrs. O’Dooley was starting out to 
buy the making of a new spring costume of the calico descrip- 
tion, she met Mrs. Mulgrew. ' 

Mrs. Mulgrew looked very tired ; her face, which has almost 
recovered from her skating experience, had a sort of drawn ex- 
pression, as though she had not had enough sleep, and the black 
lines under her eyes showed that she had been through some 
strange and unusual dissipation the night before. 

‘‘ Good-mornin’, Mrs. Mulgrew,” said Mrs. O’Dooley ; “ an’ 
how is every tether length of ye this blessed mornin’ ? ” 

“Very poorly indade, Mrs. O’Dooley,’’ answered Mrs. Mul- 
grew ; “ very poorlj^ ; I’m that tired that ye could knock me over 
wid a feather.’’ 

An’ phwhat cause have ye for bein’ tired, that has such fine 
times as yerself, goin’ out to Turkish baths an’ skatin’ an’ shows, 
an phwhat not?’’ said Mrs. O’Dooley, with a fine tinge of sar- 
casm in her voice which roused Mrs. Mulgrew’s Irish just a 
trifle. 

“Well, it’s jusht the fine times I do have that do make me 
tired,” she replied. The fun I do have is all very well in its 
way, but it’ll be the death o’ me some day. Now, phwhere do 
ye suppose I was Wednesday night, Mrs. O’Dooley?” 

I dunno,’’ replied Mrs. O’Dooley ; down to the theayther, 
I suppose.’’ 

No, ma’am,’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a toss of her head 
which almost took her off her feet ; I was to no ivery day affair 
this toime, Mrs. O’Dooley, but to the Imerald ball ! ” 

‘^Indade!” said Mrs. O’Dooley, with a smile ; ^‘an’ was it a 
grand affair ? ” 

Grand ! ’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew, elevating her eyebrows until 
tliey were lost in her hair ; “ grand, is id? Well, to be honest 
wid ye, Mrs. O’Dooley, it bate the divil himself, an’ shure he’s 
hard to bate.’’ 


56 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Mrs. O'Dooley’s curiosity was aroused at this exclamation, and 
taking Mrs. Mulgrew’s arm in hers, she whispered : 

“ Come back to the house, acushla, an’ sit down, where ye’ll 
be comfortable an warum ; I was goin’ to the avenya to buy a 
few knicknacks, but ’twill do to-morrow ; I’m jusht dyin’ to hear 
about the ball.” 


Mrs. Mulgrew needed no second invitation, and in a few 
minutes she was seated in a rocking-chair in front of Mrs. 
O’Dooley’s kitchen stove, and with that good woman as an atten- 
tive listener she told the stoiy of her adventures without inter- 
ruption. 

“Ye see, Mrs. O’Dooley, Misther Mulgrew has been gettin’ 
very much mixed up in politics lately, an’ av course he’s both- 
ered all the time by people wantin’ him to buy tickets for balls, 
an’ picnics, an’ ^ shivers,’ an’ iverything undher the sun, an’ he 
has to buy from ivery wan that comes along. Well, about two 
weeks ago, he got a letther from some big man named Commit- 
tee, wid a ticket for the Imerald ball along wid it ; he was kind 
av vexed at the first, bekase the ticket was marked five dollars, 
but when Mary Ann read the lisht av names signed to the let- 
ther he med up his mind that he had betther buy id, bekase some 
of the foinest min in Brooklyn were runnin’ it. So he ped for 
the ticket, an’ wan day lasht wake he sez to me ‘ How would ye 
like to go to the Imerald ball, ould woman ? ’ ‘ Go ’long wid ye,’ 
sez I ; ‘ is it an ould duck like me to be thinkin’ o’ goin’ to balls ? 
Don’t be foolish.’ ‘ I’m not foolish, nor foolin’ aither,’ sez he ; 
‘ if yez are young enough to go skatin’ yez’Il do for a turn at the 
Imerald ball. Go down-town an’ buy some duds for yerself an’ 
Mary Ann, an’ go into some sheeny tailor shop an’ hire me wan 
of thim suits o’ clothes wid the front knocked out, an’ buy me a 
new shirt wid flowers on the chist av id, an’ a choker collar, wid 
piccadilly points, an’ a ph white necktie, bekase we want to go in 
stoyle, d ye moind ? ’ an’ he threw me over a roll o’ bills as big as 
me fisht an’ wint down-stairs. 


“ Well, phwhat cud I do ? I shpoke to Mary Ann about it, an’ 
she said it would be very pleasant an’ agreeable, so the next day 
off we shtarted for down-town an’ went into wan o’ the big 
shtores an’ left our measure wid the dhressrnakers up-stairs, an’ 
gev orders to have the dhresses med in the very latest style, 
bekase we wanted to look the same as the besht o’ thim. Thin 
we hired the full dhress suit o’ clothes for the ould man, an’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


57 





58 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


bought a beautiful shirt, wid the front all plasthered over wid 
imbroidery, an’ the collar an’ cuffs an’ necktie all complate. 

‘‘Well, the dhresses didn’t get home till Wednesday afther- 
noon, an’ whin we opened the box we wor dazzled. I thried 
mine on an’ found that they left a thremenjus big space for me 
neck an’ put no sleeves in at all at all. ‘ Begorra,’ sez I to Mary 
Ann, ‘ this won’t do at all at all ; they forgot to put in the waist 
and sleeves!’ ‘Don’t be such a gom,’ sez she ; ‘that’s a reg’lar 
deckoletty Frinch gown ; mine is jusht the same.’ An’, shure 
enough, whin she put it on, she looked as purty as a pectiire, but 
I couldn’t get used to the immodeshty av the bare chist an’ arms 
for a long time. 

“ Well, I spint the rest o’ the afthernoon clainin’ an’ rub bin’ 
an’ scrubbin’ meself till ivery bit o’ me neck an’ arms was as clane 
as a new pin an’ as red as a boiled lobster ; an’ af ther supper we 
all started in to dhress. 

‘‘ To tell the truth, Mrs. O’Dooley, Inivver put in such a hard 
night’s work in all me life ; first, I had to fasten Mary Ann’s 
dhress, for it was put on wid a pair av silk shoelaces in undher 
the arms, an’ thin I had to look afther the ould man ; he was as 
cross as a sick mule, becase there was somethin’ wrong wid his 
suit. Ye see I forgot to take his measure, an’ the sheeny tailor 
sint a suit that wasn’t a suit at all. The pants wor too long in 
the legs an’ too tight in the sate, an’ the tails o’ the coat touched 
the flure. I had to get the scissors an’ make a rip in the waist o’ 
the pants, and I towld him he cud turn up the bottoms o’ the 
legs, because it was a shloppy night, an’ forget to turn thim down 
again ; then I clipped off a half of a yard of each coat tail, an’ I 
tell ye Misther Mulgrew looked so fine that I felt rale proud of 
him. 

“ Thin I got into me own deckolletty, an’ Mary Ann fastened 
hooks an’ buckles an’ things till I cud scarcely breathe ; thin she 
put on me frizzes, that fastens wid a rubber band, thin she took a 
powdher puflE and dabbed white powdher all over me face an’ 
neck an’ chist an’ arms lill the lobstery color turned into a nice 
pink shade ; thin she put on me sixteen -button kid gloves that 
kem up to me shoulders, an’ I was all ready for the ball. 

“ It took Mary Ann another fifteen minits to titivate herself, 
an’ whin she was ready we got into the carriage, an’ in a short 
time we landed at the Academy of Music, where we wint to hear 
Paddy Koohsky play lasht year. Well, Mrs. O’Dooley, it was 
jusht like a fairy sthory ; hundhreds an’ hundhreds av lovely 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


59 


young gerruls in deckollettys, an’ judes in full dhress, an’ ould 
women loike meself sittin’ wan side, takin’ it all in, an’ thinkin’ 
o’ the days whin they wor young an’ giddy ; an’ lots av lights, 
an’ flags an’ flowers, an’ lovely shmells av Frinch cologne, an’ 
canary birds singin’ in cages all around, an’ music that was lively 
enough to make a dead man come out of his grave and dance ; 
begorra, ’twas so flue that I jusht sat down in a front sate an’ 
shmiled till I thought me face ud crack. 

In a few minutes a couple av dhry goods judes that Mary 
Ann knew kem along, an’ took her away, an’ she danced ivery 
dance till we kem home. About wan o’clock the ould man took 
us in to supper, an’ ordhered a couple o’ bottles o’ champagne, an’ 
whin we left the supper-room, himself an’ meself wor feelin’ like 
two young colts ; ye see, nayther Mary Ann nor the jude ud 
touch the wine, an’ we had to flnish it bechune us. 

‘‘ Well, as soon as we kem out into the ballroom, we saw they 
wor jusht going to start up a quadrille. ‘ May I have the pleas- 
ure of this dance wid you ? ’ says the ould man to me. Well, the 
music was so flne that me feet began to jump, an’ the flrst thing 
I knew I was in a set on the flure, makin’ bows to young gerruls 
an’ judes I niver laid eyes on before. Thin the music began, an’ 
meself an’ the ould man showed thim youngsthers some rale ould- 
fashioned shteps that musht have opened their eyes; Mulgrew got 
so excited that I couldn’t hould him in. He leaped up in the 
air, an’ cracked his heels together, till he had a gang around 
watchin’ him, the same as if he was a dime museum or somethin’ ; 
an’ jusht near the ind o’ the quadrille as he was makin’ a very 
fashionable low bow to wan o’ the young gerruls thim tight sheeny 
pants of his gev a snap, an’ — well, iverybody began to scrame 
laflin’, an’ all the young gerruls thried to blush, and the quadrille 
stopped an’ a nice young fellow kem over an’ wrapped his illegant 
double breasted frieze ulsther around the ould man an’ hustled 
him into the coat-room. 

“As soon as he pinned himself together the band played 
^ Home, Sweet Home,’ an’ we kem out an’ hunted up our coach, 
an’ landed back in Growanus at 6 o’clock in the mornin’. I’m 
awful tired afther it, but I must say that, barrin’ the accident to 
the ould man’s tight throusers, we had an illegant toime av it in- 
toirely.” 

“ Well,” said Mrs. O’Hooley, as Mrs. Mulgrew stood up to go, 
“ yez musht have had a great toime, but tell me, was there any 
wan there from Gowanus besides yerselves ? ” 


60 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


“ Oh, yis,” replid Mrs. Mulgrew, ‘‘ I saw Maud McBrannigan 
an’ Jack O’Flynn there, an’ I tell ye Maud was as purty a lookin’ 
gerrul as there was at the whole Imerald ball.” 

Glory be to goodness, ’tis wonderful phwhat Gowanus peo- 
ple is cornin’ to,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, as Mrs. Mulgrew bade her 
good morning and started for home, humming one of the airs of 
the quadrille she had been dancing the night before. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


61 


CHAPTER XV. 

The Great Progressive Euchre Party at McSnifeigan’s. 

The affairs of the Miilgrews and the McBrannigans have taken 
up so many chapters of this interesting history that I am 
afraid some of my readers may begin to think I have forgotten 
all about the neighbors of these good people, who have been left 
in the background for so long a time. 

The neighbors, however, have been going on in their usual 
more or less qniet way, although some of them have had a good 
deal to say about Mrs. McBrannigan’s luck and Mrs. Mulgrew’s 
social aspirations, and some of the comments concerning the lat- 
ter were more remarkable for their Gowanusian picturesqueness 
than for Chesterfieldian elegance. 

Mrs. McSniffigan, the wife of the contractor, who made his 
“ dust ’’ in the street-sweeping business, has been watching Mrs. 
Mulgrew’s doings with a jealous eye. 

One morning this week she spoke to her daughter Ethel on 
tliQ subject : 

Have ye heard of Mrs. Mulgrew’s advintures lately, Ethel ? ” 
she began. ‘‘How, I think she’s gettin’ too prominint altogether, 
an if we don’t luk out we’ll be ‘ left at the posht,’ as yer father 
says whin he comes home from the races, afther losin’ his money 
on the shlow horses ; now, we must get up somethin’ here that 
will knock the shpots out of iverything that Mrs. Mulgrew has 
done ; phwhat’s the use of havin’ money if ye can’t spind it to 
show off fornist the neighbors? ” 

Mrs. McSniffigan placed her arms akimbo and looked at Ethel 
as though expecting a reply to her odd question ; as none came 
she went on : 

‘‘ Now, Ethel, Pll lave it all to yerself ; get up a dazzler of a 
shwaray, wid iverything first class ; don’t stop at any expinse, 
for the ould man can shtand it ; but make it of a charackther 
that’ll be enjoyable to old an’ young, bekase I want to invite Mrs. 
Mulgrew an’ her husband, jusht to show her that there’s more 
than wan society woman in Gowanus.’’ 

Ethel said she would have to take a little time to think over 


62 


THE GOWANUSIAJSrS. 


it ; but they agreed that the Mouday night before Lent would be 
the date when the McSniffigans would show Gowanus what could 
be done in the way of real entertaining. 

Ethel spent all that day turning over plans in her mind, and 
finally decided that the best form of entertainment would be a 
progressive euchre party; so she went down-town the next day 
to one of the leading stationery houses and ordered fifty cards to 
be engraved as follows : 

a7ic/ Qy/^u. 

Q^ome, 


She also procured a supply of playing cards, tally cards, with 
vari-colored ribbons, stars of green and gold to paste on the 
cards of winners and losers, and all the other articles necessary for 
the proper conducting of a progressive euchre party. 

I may mention here that the form of invitation was suggested 
by the stationer. Ethel would have preferred something more ex- 
plicit, as she feared the neighbors w^ould not be able to gather from 
the cards that their presence was requested at the McSnifiigan 
residence on Monday evening, but the fashionable dealer in dies 
insisted that this was the proper form and was in use in the very 
highest circles in the city, so Etliel submitted gracefully, but 
with some misgivings, especially in regard to the four letters in 
the lower left-hand corner, which she knew would be a puzzler 
for forty-nine out of the fifty people who would receive the dainty 
cards. 

She then went into one of the large dry goods stores, which 
are so called because the dry goods department occupies so small 
a space in them, and purchased four prizes, two handsome first 
prizes and two booby prizes, the former being a silver match-box 
and a gold hairpin, and the latter a large jumping-jack worked 
by a string and a Japanese doll, whose funny, slanting eyes and 
strange expression of face seemed to promise Ethel a good return 
for her investment. 

Then she went into a prominent caterers establishment and 


Qy/^onc/a 


(^e^iaa'iy 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


63 


made arrangements for a first-class supper for fifty guests, and, 
as she knew the good, hearty appetities of the Gowanusians, she 
told the polite little food provider that it would be just as well to 
furnish enough to feed a hundred. Nothing was to be stinted. 
Large dishes of everything were to be given to each guest and 
a plentiful supply of champagne to wash the eatables down. 
She also ordered fifty camp chairs and a dozen small tables for 
the card playing, and left strict injunctions with the caterer to 
have everything first class. 

She next went to the house of a man who is well known as 
the provider of the best dance music in Gowanus, and engaged 
him to discourse sweet, low music from eight in the evening until 
the card playing was over, and then to play the enticing waltz 
and the gay lanciers and the catchy ‘^Cocoanut Berlin’’ (a new 
dance which is unknown in Pouch mansion society, but which is 
very popular in Gowanus), and the fancy “caprice,” together 
with a few old-fashioned polkas and quadrilles for those who 
might not care to indulge in those newer twists, and a good lively 
jig or two for some of the old timers who don’t feel that they are 
dancing at all unless they can “ welt the flure.” 

Then Ethel went home and told her mother all that she had 
accomplished during the morning, and Mrs. McSniffigan was so 
delighted that she wore a smile all day which seemed to run over 
the edges of her face and lose itself in her back hair. 

The cards arrived from the stationer’s in a few days and Ethel 
immediately addressed and mailed them, so that the recipients 
would have ample time to prepare for the great event. 

The next few days were spent with a dressmaker, who was 
instructed to make gowns of the very latest pattern, with ten 
gores in each skirt, so that they would hang with proper fullness, 
and completely overshadow any other dresses which might be 
worn at the party. 

The cards of invitation to the progressive euchre party of 
course caused a great deal of excitement among the neighbors of 
the McSniffigans. Those who were lucky enough to receive 
them were in great glee, and those who were not among the fort- 
unate ones turned up their noses, and said that “ phwin 
Gowanus people begin to put on such lugs as that it’s time they 
moved down-town to Columbia Heights,” and made use of other 
phrases to express their disapproval of the course taken by the 
McSniffigans. 

The initials E. S. V. P. of course puzzled everybody, and 


64 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


consequently no replies were received by Mrs. McSniflfigan; but 
tliat fact did not cause lier any annoyance, as she knew everybody 
would come without doubt, unless prevented by sickness or some 
equally urgent reason. 

On the morning of the 13th, however, the postman left a 
card which contained no message, except the initials “ C. C. S. 
W.” and the signature of John O’Toole, a friend of Mrs. Me- 
Sniffigan. 

Ethel and her mother puzzled over it for a long time and 
finally gave it up. 

After supper Mrs. MeSniffigan and Ethel went up-stairs and 
prepared for the party, leaving the door in charge of a colored 
boy, who was instructed to notify the guests as they arrived that 
they would find the coat-room on the next floor. 

It did not take the MeSniffigans long to dress, and at 7.30 they 
were all ready to receive their company. 

Mrs. MeSniffigan w^as arrayed in a costume of brocaded satin, 
with expensive trimming, and Ethel’s figure was hidden to ad- 
vantage in a crinoline lined gown of some kind of silk, with very 
elaborate flouncing. 

At exactly 7.50 the bell rang, and in walked Mr. and Mrs. 
Mulgrew and Mary Ann ; they were closely followed by Mr. and 
Mrs. McBrannigan and Maud and Mr. Jack O’Flynn. Maud 
was neatly dressed in a new pink silk gown, made in the Empire 
style, and looked very pretty as she shook the snow from her hood 
and smiled at Jack. Mr. and Mrs. O’Dooley came next, then 
Elecia O’Higgins and her “ best feller,’’ Jigsy McDuff, Mr. and 
Mrs. McFudd arrived soon after, and then in twos and threes the 
invited guests came, until the MeSniffigan parlors were filled 
with the creme de la creme of Gowanus society. 

When Mrs. MeSniffigan counted her guests she found they 
were all there except Mr. O’Toole, the man who had sent the 
postal card, and Mrs. MeSniffigan made up her mind that the 
initials ‘‘ C. C. S. W.’’ had some meaning in connection with his 
absence. 

The orchestra” (consisting of a piano, violin and cornet) 
played an overture while Ethel and Maud and Mr. O’Flynn were 
arranging the tally cards and the packs of playing cards, and 
settling the question of partners and the other little details of the 
game of progressive euchre. As they had to read their instruc- 
tions from a book their progress was necessarily slow, but after 
awhile everything was straightened out and the game began. 


THE GOWANUSIAKS. 


65 


Fate arranged ii so that the head table was occupied by Mr. 
Mulgrew and Mrs. O’Dooley as partners, and Mr. O’Dooley and 
Mrs. Mulgrew as their opponents. The two men are very proud 
of their card playing ability, but in the excitement of the moment 
they are likely to get things a little mixed, and this is just what 
ened on this occasion. 



Each side had scored four points, and it was Mr. Mulgrew’s 
deal. Spades were trumps, and the saloon-keeper held a pretty 
good hand, but somehow he didn’t seem to play the cards care- 
fully, as he was in danger of being euchred, when with a trium- 
phant smile he threw down the ace of hearts on the top of Mr. 
O’Dooley’s left bower. 

Of course Mr. O’Dooley reached out his hand to draw the 
cards in, claiming a euchre, when Mr. Mulgrew stopped him with 
a polite gesture, which consisted in placing his own ample fist on 
top of Mr. O’Dooley’s, remarking at the same time : Excuse 
me, Misther O’Dooley, but I think this thrick is mine.” 

I don’t see phwhy,” said Mr. O’Dooley quietly, but still 
retaining his hold on the cards ; “ I pled the left bower.’’ 

‘‘An’ didn’t I play the ace of hearts?’’ said Mr. Mulgrew, 
growing excited, and raising his voice with every word, “ an’ 
doesn’t any omadhaun known that the ace of hearts is always a 
thrump ; an’ that accordin’ to Hoyle, nothin’ can bate it but the 
knave and foive fingers of thrumps ! ’’ 

Mr. Mulgrew was standing up by this time and shaking his 
fist in little Mr. O’Dooley’s face, but that little man had lived 
too long with his wife to be scared by mere words, so he kept a 
tight grip on the four cards. 

Mr. McSnilfigan came up to the head table to inquire the 
reason of the disturbance, and when the whole thing was ex- 
plained to him, he turned to Mr. Mulgrew, and with a tre- 
mendous amount of sarcasm in his voice, said to him, “ Sit down, 
an’ come back from the ould dart, an’ yer days o’ dhrudgery ; ’tis 
progrissive euchre we’re playin’ here, an’ not forty-five, d’ye 
see ? ” 

Mr. Mulgrew realized that he had quoted the wrong rule and he 
subsided. Mr. O’ Dooley scored the point and won the game, and 
Mr. Mulgrew and his partner, Mrs. O’Dooley, were obliged to go 
down to the last table. Everything went on very smoothly after 
this little incident, except that Mr. McFudd got so excited during 
one of the games that he split the table in two with his knuckles 
putting down the right bower on top of his opponent’s left at a 


5 


66 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


critical period of the playing, and the rest of the games had to 
be played on the piano stool in consequence. 

At 11 o’clock the card playing stopped and Ethel examined 
the tallies. She found that Mr. O’Dooley and Maud McBrannigan 
were entitled to the first prizes, and that the boobies were won 
by Mr. Mulgrew, who had been very unlucky after his first 
break, and Mrs. O’ Dooley, who had kept even with him from the 
start. 

Then the tables were cleared away, and the orchestra played 
a march, and each woman took her escort’s arm and they all 
marched down to supper. 

The dining-room table was decorated with pink fiowers and 
lighted candles jusht for all the world like a w^ake,” as Mrs. 
O’Dooley expressed it), and the French waiters, with their open 
vested suits and haughty air, almost took the Gowanusians’ breath 
away. (Not quite, however, as the average Gowanus breath is 
pretty well able to hold its own.) 

The waiters passed around generous cups of bouillon and were 
staggered by an almost unanimous request for a second help. The 
soup was so nice that politeness wasn’t in it, and when the soup 
gave out, Mr. McSniffigan was so disgusted that he was going to 
throw the head waiter out of the window. 

The oysters, salad and sandwiches came next, and it made 
the waiters stare in open-eyed amazement as they saw the way 
the food disappeared. They were kept on the run supplying 
second, third and fourth helps to some of the guests, who had 
evidently been saving up an appetite for several days at least. 
The women were more polite, however, and a number of them 
were busy at their dessert while the men were demolishing the 
salad. Some of the men, while waiting for another supply of 
the substantial food, would do away with a large slice of ice cream 
and frozen pudding, and some others seemed to think that every 
second spoonful of salad and ice cream made a most delicious 
combination. 

The champagne fiowed as freely as water; more freely, in fact, 
as Mr. McSniffigan gave orders that not a drop of water in any 
form should be offered to any one present. The waiters helped 
themselves to an odd glass, and, by the end of the supper, they 
found great difficulty in properly serving the guests ; but the 
guests were so busy enjoying themselves that they didn’t notice it. 

One of the waiters, however, happened to trip over a chair 
and spilled a glass of champagne over Mrs^ Mulgrew’s decollete. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


67 


which compelled her to retire up-stairs for repairs, which were 
made with great success by her clever daughter, Mary Ann. After 
supper everybody went up-stairs, and then followed a succession 
of dances of every possible kind, to suit every taste ; the young 
folks reveled in the waltz, Berlin ” and Caprice,” while the 
old folks chatted ; and the old folks shook their feet and danced 
each other down, while the young folks applauded their efforts 
vigorously. 

The party was a grand success in every way, and Mrs. 
McSniffigan’s heart swelled with honest pride as she heard the 
exclamations of delight on every hand, and when the last guest 
had departed at four in the morning she went to bed tired, but as 
happy as a queen. 

Later in the morning, as she was on her way to the butcher’s, 
she met Mr. O’Toole, the man who had sent the postal card. 

Arrah, good-mornin’, Misther O’Toole,” she said pleasantly, 
an’ phwhy weren’t yez to me party lasht night ? ” 

“ Didn’t ye get me postage card? ” said Mr. O’Toole. 

“I did,” replied Mrs. McSniffigan, ‘^but we cud make 
nayther head nor tail of id.” 

‘^Well, didn’t yez have letthers loike thim on yer invita- 
tions? ” said Mr. O’Toole ; phwhat did they mane ? ” 

Oh, thim was ^ R. S. V. P.,” said Mrs. McSniffigan, which 
is Frinch for ‘sind word if ye can’t be there.’ ” 

“Well,” said Mr. O’Toole with a twinkle in his eye, “mine 
wasn’t Frinch at all, but plain, ivery day English, ^C. 0. S. W.,’ 
which stands for ‘ I cannot come, bekase me shirt is in the wash.’ ’’ 


68 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XVL 

Mrs. Mulgrew Goes Over to New York to See the “Juke.” 

The numerons factory whistles in Gowanus were just proclaim- 
ing the hour of 6 p. m. on Wednesday last as Mrs. Mulgrew alighted 
from the trolley car and began to make her way slowly up the 
street toward her home. 

Her daughter, Mary Ann, was with her when she got off the 
car, but, as Mrs. Mulgrew knew her husband would be impatient 
if he was kept much longer without his supper, she dispatched 
Mary Ann ahead of her, as her fatty “ degingeration ” of the heart 
prevents her from making rapid progress, and as this was one of 
her “ bad days,’’ she was compelled to rest several times on her 
way up the street. 

Mrs. O’Dooley ’s house is about half-way up the block, and 
Mrs. Mulgrew was delighted to see that Mrs. O’Dooley was 
leaning over the fence, apparently waiting for her husband, who 
had not yet returned from his work. 

As Mrs. Mulgrew approached Mrs. O’Dooley took her in ” 
from top to toe ; she noticed that instead of the usual “ Sunday 
go to meetin” outfit of a broche shawl and black velvet bonnet, 
Mrs. Mulgrew wore one of the new fashionable Empire capes, 
with a wide velvet collar and a large hat, “ with feathers enough 
on it to shtuff a tick,” as Mrs. O’Dooley remarked to herself ; 
these things, together with the voluminous crinoline lined dress, 
which Mrs, Mulgrew had bought in order to appear in proper 
style, kept Mrs. O’ Dooley busy thinking until the owner of all 
the finery had arrived in front of her door. 

“ Good-avenin’, Mrs. O’Dooley,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, as she 
leaned her elbows, with a sigh of relief, on Mrs. O’Dooley’s gate 
post. 

“ Good-avenin’,” answered Mrs. O’Dooley, as she scrutinized 
the details of Mrs. Mulgrew’s costume carefully, “an’ if ye’ll ex- 
shuze me for sayin’ so, yez are dhressed up like the dowager Duchess 
of Ballysloughutthery. My, oh my, but ’tis yerself that’s fond o’ 
the foine clothes, Mrs. Mulgrew.” 

“ An’ phwhy wudn’t I be dhressed up like a dowager duchess. 


THE GOWANCJSIANS. 


69 


Mrs. O’Dooley? Wasn’t I jusht over to call on his royal jags, 
the juke?” said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a saucy toss of her head. 

An’ who the divil is his royal jags, the juke ? ” said Mrs. 
O’ Dooley, in a tone of great surprise. Wan o’ yer cousins that 
landed at Castle Garden an’ had to be idintihed before they’d let 
him land, I suppose.” 

Faith ’tis yerself that’s mighty sarcastic, intoirely,” said Mrs. 
Mulgrew, somewhat stiffly, but without losing her temper, “ but 
av coorse ye can’t be blamed for not knowin’ who I mean by his 
royal jags, the juke. Sure ye don’t rade the papers.” 

“ No, I don’t,” replid Mrs. O’Dooley, “but I’m jusht as well 
off, for it keeps me from makin’ a bigger fool o’ meself than the 
Lord intinded me to be whin I was born.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew didn’t pretend to notice this bit of sharp 
repartee, but went on : 

“Well, ye see, Mrs. O’Dooley, I’ll explain the whole thing 
for ye. I suppose ye know that this counthry was discovered by 
a foreigner named Christopher Columbus, about four hundred 
years ago, don’t ye ? ” 

Yis, I belave I have heard that bit o’ news before,” replied 
Mrs. O’Dooley, with a smile. 

Well, I suppose ye know that he was a married man, don’t 
ye ? ” asked Mrs. Mulgrew. 

Why, any fool would know that,’’ answered Mrs. O’Dooley 
quickly ; “ that’s what caused him to lave home ; he had a tight 
wid the old woman, an’ he found that Europe wasn’t big enough 
to hold the both o’ thim, an’ he said he’d go an’ find a counthry 
large enough for a man to open his mouth widout havin’ to 
swallow his wife’s tongue an’ fisht at the same time ; faith, Mrs. 
Mulgrew, you can’t stick me on thim historical facts, even if I 
don’t rade the papers, not much ! ” 

“ Well his family quarrels have nothing to do wid the case 
jusht now,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, “phwhat I wanted to prove was 
that he kem of a marry in’ family, and that ivery wan of his di- 
scindants were of a same turn o’ mind. Now they kep thrack of 
all those discindants, an’ they found that his royal jags the juke of 
Feveranagey is really an’ thruly the sthraight goods in the way 
of ariprisintative of the family of Columbus ; so the king of Spain 
sint him over here to see that the World’s Fair in Chicago is run 
right, or to know the rayson phwhy.” 

An’ how did ye come to go callin’ on the Juke of Feveran- 
agey ? ” asked Mrs. O’Dooley. 


70 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


“Well, it was all out o’ pure curiosity, Mrs. O’Dooley,” re- 
plied Mrs. Mulgrew. “ Ye see, I read in Sunday’s paper that the 
juke had arrived in New York, an’ that a grand reciption wud 
be given in his honor at Waldorf’s Hotel on Wednesda’, so I 
med up me raoind if it was a foine day I’d go over ; so this 
afthernoon I put on me besht, an’ meself an’ Mary Ann started 
for the reciption.” 

“ An’ how did j^ez enjoy yerselves ? ” asked Mrs. O’Dooley, 
eagerly. 

“ First rate,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew ; “ barrin’ a few disagree- 
able things, we had an illegant time intoirely ; in the first place 
phwhin we got to the door o’ the grand ballroom there was an im- 
pident young fellow, who wanted to know where our tickets wor ; 
I was so mad that I jusht gev him wan look that med his teeth 
rattle, an’ tuk Mary Ann be the arm, an walked in ; ‘ the iday,’ sez 
I to Mary Ann ‘of axin’ a mimber o’ the family of King Brian 
Born if she had a ticket, wdiin she was payin’ an ordinary juke the 
honor of attindin’ his reciption.’ Well, we wint right along wid 
the rest o’ the gang o’ guests, an’ I tell ye Mrs. O’Dooley, I never 
seen such a crowd in all me loife. Ivery wan o’ the women was 
dhressed to kill, an’ loaded down wid diamonds, an’ had their faces 
beautifully powdhered an’ painted up, so as to look as nice as 
pie. The min wor all like tailors’ dummies, wid bran new coats 
an’ pants an’ vests an’ neckties an’ iverything. 

“ An’ the decorations ! Phwhy ’twould take me a week to 
specify the different kinds o’ flowers an’ fruit an’ vegetables they 
had hung an’ spread an’ festooned all around the room ; an’ the 
shmells o’ the different roses an’ daffydowndillies almost took me 
off me feet. An’ the music ! they had about a hundhred fid- 
dlers hid away up among a lot o’ green bushes, an’ they fiddled 
away in such fine style that I cud hardly keep me feet still ; I was 
jusht on the pint o’ breakin’ into a jig, whin Mary Ann grabbed 
me, an’ towld me to remimber that ’twas at no mixed ale party 
we wor, an’ of coorse I saw the sinsibility of it, an’ I stopped. 

“ Whin we got tired of admirin’ the women an’ the flowers 
an’ so on, I sez to Mary Ann, “ Let us go an’ find his royal jags, 
the Juke of Feveranagey, an’ ax him how he feels, for ’twill soon 
be time for us to be goin’ home.’ Well, we got in line, an’ afther 
a good dale of crushin’ we landed in front of the place where the 
juke an’ duchess wor recavin.’ 

“ Another fresh duck there axed me for me card, an’ sez I, 
‘ Phwhat do yez want all the cards for ? ’ ‘ So’s I can inthrajuce ye 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


71 


to tlie juke,’ sez he, an’ thin I found that it was me visitin’ card 
he wanted, but I had none wid me, so I sez to him, sez I, ‘ Niver 
moind about the card; I’ll inthrajuce meself.’ So I stepped 
along till I got in front o’ the jukal party, an’ sez I, reachin’ out 
me hand to the juke, ‘ How is your royal highness to-day ? I’m 
Mrs. Mulgrew of Gowanus ; I suppose ye’ve heard tell of me. 
I’m glad to see yerself an’ the ould woman an’ yer daughter 
Maria lookin’ so fine an’ hearty afther yer say voyage. This is 
my daughter Mary Ann. She likes me to call her May whin we’re 
out, but I notice that yez are not ashamed to call yer little gerrul 
Maria, since that’s her name, so I med up me mind I’d inthrajuce 
Mary Ann be her proper name.’ Thin all the gang around began 
to laugh, I don’t know what at, but I guess it was at the juke, 
for divil a word of English cud he spake at all at all, but mum- 
bled somethin’ in Spanish or Italian ; faith, I felt sorry for him, 
for the high-toned people that ought to know betther wor laffin’ 
fit to kill thimselves. 

“ When we shook hands wid all the party we wint to the 
caffay an’ had a bite o’ lunch an’ a glass of claret punch ; I wanted 
a little beer or mixed ale in the worst way, but Mary Ann to wid 
me it wasn’t good form, so I didn’t ax for it ; but I think if some 
o’ thim high-toned people wud take a good dhrink o’ mixed ale 
once in a while they’d have better forms than they have now ; 
begorra,’ tis a scraggy, scrawny lot they are intirely, an’ no 
wondher, whin they have to live on claret punch. 

“ Whin we got through the eatin’ I wanted to go back to say 
good-bye to the juke, but there was such a crowd wecudn’t get in, 
so we left, an’ kern home, but I’ll niver forget to the longest day 
I live the grand time I had at the reciption to his royal jags, the 
juke of Faveranagey.” 

Just at this point Mr. O’Dooley came along, and as Mrs. Mul- 
grew was fully rested, and knew, moreover, that Mr. O’Dooley 
was in a hurry for his supper, she said good-evening to both Mr. 
and Mrs. O’Dooley and wended her way slowly up the street to 
her abode, where she found Mary Ann busy preparing the supper 
and keeping her father in good humor by telling him of their 
experience at the reception in honor of the descendant of the great 
Columbus. 


■72 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTEK XVIL 

Mrs. Mltlgrew’s Adventures at Gravesend on Handicap 

Day. 

On Tuesday morning, as Mrs. O’Dooley was on her way to 
the German grocery store to buy a few vegetables for the dinner, 
she met Mrs. Mulgrew right in front of the door leading to that 
good woman’s apartments over the saloon. 

Mrs. Mulgrew greeted her neighbor with a pleasant smile and 
a hearty top o’ the mornin’,” and as the weather was very tine 
and warm, she asked Mrs. O’Dooley to sit down on the steps 
leading to the hall door, which invitation Mrs. O’Dooley, having 
some time to spare, gladly accepted, as she saw by Mrs. Mulgrew’s 
manner that there was something on her mind, and she knew if 
she waited that Mrs. Mulgrew would have something interesting 
to disclose. 

When Mrs. Mulgrew had recovered her breath, which had 
been coming in short gasps on account of a sudden slight attack 
of her fatty degingeration ” of the heart, she turned toward 
Mrs. O’Dooley and said, pleasantly : 

Did ye see me arrivin’ home lasht evening at about 8 o’clock 
in me barouche, Mrs. O’Dooley? ” 

Faith, I did,” replied Mrs. O’Dooley. I suppose ye wor 
at some funeral over in New York, or Greenpoint, or Jersey, or 
some other far away place, an’ hired wan o’ thim coaches that ye 
can open out, so as to take the air phwin yez are cornin’ home 
from the buryin’ ground ; is it any wan I know that was dead, 
Mrs. Mulgrew ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew looked at Mrs. O’Dooley in disgust, and in a 
tone finely tinged with sarcasm she replied : 

‘‘ Well, well ; ’tis yerself that’s mighty fond of jumpin’ at 
conclusions, Mrs. O’Dooley. Ye thought because ye saw me rid- 
in’ in a carriage that of course I must be cornin’ from a funeral ; 
but this time ye wor sadly mistaken. Whin ye saw me dhrivin’ 
up to me hall door in style lasht night I was coinin’ from no fu- 
neral, thanks be to goodness, but from a far different kind of an 
affair — nothin’ more nor less than the Brooklyn Handicap.” 


THE GOWANHSIANS- 


73 


This information didn’t startle Mrs. O’Dooley as much as 
Mrs. Mnlgrew thought it would ; the owner of the most cele- 
brated billy goat in Brooklyn looked at the saloon-keeper’s wife 
coolly and said : 

“ An’ phwat the divdl is the Brooklyn Handicap ? Is it any- 
thing like Barnum’s circus or Paddy Rooshky’s piano playin’ that 
ye wor tellin’ me about this time a year ago ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew was more disgusted than ever ; she managed 
not to show her ire very much, however, at Mrs. O’Dooley 
ignorance, and in as calm a manner as she could command she 
said : 

Well, not exactly, Mrs. O’Dooley; the Brooklyn Handicap 
is a good deal like a circus, but it has no more likeness to Paddy 
Eooshky’s piano playin’ than a pig has to a pint o’ mixed ale ; the 
Brooklyn Handicap is nothin’ more or less than a horse race.” 

An’ phwhy do they call it a handicap ? ” asked Mrs. O’Dooley, 
more to draw Mrs. Mulgrew out than from any real curiosity in 
regard to the word. 

‘‘I dunno, raley,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, ^‘unless ’tis on ac- 
count of the beautiful little silk hats that the jockeys wear ” ; 
and Mrs. Mulgrew leaned her back up against the side of the 
house with an air of conscious superiority over her neighbor, 
whose ignorance was very annoying to Mrs. Mulgrew. 

Mrs. O’Dooley was satisfied with this explanation of the 
meaning of the word, and then, with a truly Delsartean expres- 
sion on her face, of intense interest she asked : 

‘‘ An’ phwhat kind of a time did ye have at the handy hat 
race, Mrs. Mulgrew ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s face took on a smile of intense satisfaction, 
and as she raised her eyes skyward, in a sort of retrospective way, 
she replied : 

Ah, don’t be talkin’, Mrs. Dooley. I had wan o’ the grandest 
days o’ me whole life; ye’ve heard of the Turkish bath, an’ me 
dhrame at the Paddy Rooshky concert, but me experience yes- 
therda’ bate thim all hollow; begorra, I’m not over the excite- 
ment of it yet,” and, as she recalled the events of Monday, the 
perspiration burst from every pore on Mrs. Mulgrew’s face, at 
which Mrs. O’Dooley’s curiosity became roused, and she deter- 
mined to learn the particulars if possible. 

“ Well, it musht have been fine,” said Mrs. O’Dooley. Have 
ye time to spare to tell me all about it ? ” 

Oh, I have, but I don’t like to be keepin’ ye from any work 


74 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


ye may have at home, Mrs. O’Dooley,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, 
“ perhaps yer time is valuable.” 

Mrs. O’Dooley assured Mrs. Mulgrew that she had lots of 
time to spare, as her husband was working on a job over in 
Williamsbiirgh, which would prevent him from arriving home 
until six o’clock in the evening, and with this assurance Mrs. 
Mulgrew began her interesting story. 

“Ye see, Mrs. O’Dooley, the ould man has taken quite a 
dale of intherest in sports lately, but he niver mintioned it around 
the house until Sunda’ at dinner time, phwhin he axed nieself 
and Mary Ann wud we like to go to the races wid him on 
Monda’ ; well, of course we wor agreeable, an’ whin Monda’ 
mornin’ kem around we washed an’ claned ourselves an’ put on 
our very besht duds, an’ the ould man did the same, makin’ sure 
to put a good fat rowl o’ bills in his inside veslit pocket, an’ 
phwhin we wor all ready, we started for the 11:30 thrain on 
Culver’s railroad, for Gravesend. 

“I made sure to put three or four five-dollar bills in me 
breasht, in case meself an’ Mary Ann happened to get separated 
from Misther Mulgrew, so that we’d be able to git somethin’ to 
ate an’ dhrink, if we felt hungry or thirsty, an’ for any other ex- 
pinses we might have to overcome ; an’ ’twas a good thing I did 
so, bekase, the minute Misther Mulgrew got us in a good sate 
he went off an’ left us, an’ we niver clapped eyes on him again, 
except once, phwhin we saw him conversin’ as large as life wid 
some big guns that looked like politicians or somethin’. 

“ Well, we arrived at the gate of the race track, an’ about five 
thousand other people got off the thrain along wid us, an’ such 
pushin’, an’ scrappin,’ an’ screamin’, an’ swearin’ I niver. saw in 
all me life ; ould min, an’ young boys, an’ dudes, an young ger- 
ruls, an’ ould women like meself, squeezed an’ hollered an’ 
pushed to get in as if they were thryin’ to escape from a fire. 

“ But I didn’t lose me head. I jusht stood me ground, an’ 
shtuck out me elbows, an’ gev pokes in the ribs right an’ left to 
the fresh dudes an the giddy ould min that ought to have known 
better than to be jostlin’ an ould lady wid fatty degingeration o’ 
the heart, an’ meself an’ Mary Ann an’ the ould man landed safe 
an’ sound on the grand shtand. 

Well, Mrs. O’Dooley, such a sight as was there! I guess 
there musht have been about a hundherd thousand people on the 
grand stand an’ the grounds ; an the dhresses, an’ the bonnets o’ 
the women an’ young gerruls, an’ their purty faces, all flushed up 


THE GOWANHSIANS. 


75 


wid the excitement an’ the champagne that was flowin’ like 
wather in a river, an’ the min runnin’ here ar.’ there, some 
lookin’ for their frinds, an’ some lookin’ for tips, an’ some 
lookin’ as if they wor afther losin ivery frind or ivery cent they 
had in the world. 

“ Ivery wan was chuck full of excitement, an’ a good many 
wor chuck full o’ beer, but they all seemed to be injoying them- 
selves in grand style. 

‘‘ Finally the races began, an’ such yellin’ an’ goin’s on as they 
had before an’ afther each race ! it was awful. 

I began to feel a kind o’ tired afther the third race, bekase 
they had such long waits bechune each wan, an’ phwhin they did 
begin they were over in a jiffy ; so I began to look around me. 

‘‘ I soon found that the most o’ the women wor amusin’ them- 
selves be readin’ the names o’ the horses off a card, and thin 
callin’ little messenger boys, an’ givin’ thim money to bet for 
thirn on the next race ; the woman next to me was doin’ it all the 
time, an’ phwhin she saw me watchin’ her, she looked up and 
says she, very pleasant like, ‘ Do yez want a dead air-tight cinch 
for the nixt race V , 

“‘Faith, I dunno,” says I ; ^phwhat might it be like ? ’ not 
understandin’ her race-track language.” 

“ ^ Oh,’ says she, ^ ’tis a burd ! ’ ‘ Well,’ says I, ^ if it is. I’ll 

take it, for I’m near dead wid the hunger be this time, an’ ’tis 
very kind of ye to mintion it.’ 

“ Well, she gev a roar of a laugh right in me face, the impident 
thing. I cud have given her a shlap right in the jaw, but Mary 
Ann explained to me that she was a sport, an’ was only wantin’ 
to give me a tip to bet on a certain horse named Lamplighter, 
that was goin’ to win the next race sure. 

“I apologized to her, an’ says I, ‘ Madam, I’m much obliged 
to ye for yer burdy tip, but I don’t like the name o’ that baste ; 
I’ve seen lamplighters in Gowanus in me time, an’ they move, 
around purty slow, an’ if that horse was used to ride around, 
lightin’ all the lamps in New Utrecht, he’d never reach the win- 
nin’ posht ; no, I think I’d like to make a little bet, but I’ll 
thry some other horse ; would ye be kind enough to rade the 
name of some o’ thim for me ? ’ 

“ Well, she read a whole sthring o’ names that I cudn’t make 
head or tail of, but finally she sthruck a name that sounded like 
Diablo. ‘ Ilowld on,’ says I ; ^ what does that mean V ‘ Oh,’ 
says she, ‘ that’s Spanish for divil ; but the horsfe is no good.’ 


THE GOWANUSIAJs'S. 


76 

‘ He’ll do for me,’ says I, ‘ for I know the divil is hard to bate, 
an’ any wan that kin bate him has to be pni’ty ^ood ; ’ so in spite 
of her tellin’ me that I was ‘ clinckin’ me money in the soup,’ I 
called the boy an’ gev him five dollars to bet on Diablo, an’ he 
kem back in few minutes wid a ticket certifyin’ to the bet he 
made wid a bookbinder down in the basement. 

‘‘ In a few minutes the race began ; ivery wan was lookin’ 
afther the horses wid spyglasses but me. I jusht sat there an’ 
waited, but phwhin the horses kem near the grand stand, an’ I 
saw the divil in front, me heart went bumpidy bump ! an’ I gev 
a yell that shook the roof. ‘Go it, ould boy ! ’ says I, an’ sure 
enough, he gev a leap that put his nose in jusht ahead of Lamp- 
lighter, an’ in another second he won the race. 

“ The boy kem along, an’ I gev him me ticket, an’ in five 
minutes he was back wid three nice new wan hundred dollar bills 
in his fisht, an’ me own $5 along wid them ; I gev him the $5 
for making such a good bargain for me, an’ put the $300 safe 
away in me breasht, an’ sat there smilin’ till the rest o’ the races 
wor over, an’ thin 1 invited the sportin’ woman next to me to 
come into the eatin’ saloon and have a rale burd wid me ; I felt 
sorry for her, for she lost all her money on old Lamplighter. 

“ Phwhin we afe our fill, we kem out, an’ I made up me mind 
we’d come home in shtyle, along the bullyvard in a barouche, so 
I hired one at the gate, an’ although it cosht me $12, I didn’t 
grudge it, bekase I felt jusht like a millionaire, wid me winnin’s 
shtowed safe away in me buzzum. 

“ Misther Muigrew was home long before us, and phwin I told 
him about me bet, 1 thought he’d fall dead ; he bet ivery cint he 
had wid him on Lamplighter, an’ had to come home hungry, for 
he hadn’t as much left as ud buy a sandwich.” 

Mrs. Muigrew paused, and Mrs. O’Dooley, hearing the clock- 
factory whistle announcing the hour of 12, thanked Mrs. Muigrew 
for her interesting description of the handicap, and went on her 
way to the German grocer’s, while Mrs. Muigrew went up-stairs 
to prepare the dinner and to think up remarks with which to 
tease her husband, who hadn’t sense to bet on Diablo the 
divil ’’ the day before. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


77 


OHAPTEJR XVIIL 

A Heated Discussion of the Great Chinese Question. 

It was very warm in Gowanus on last Thursday morning ; 
just as warm as in any other part of Brooklyn. 

But the Gowanusians have one great advantage over the resi- 
dents of some of the higher toned parts of Brooklyn. 

That advantage consists in the fact that the majority of the 
houses in that peculiar section of our beautiful city are but one 
story high. 

Some of them have an attic, it is true, but the difference is 
scarcely perceptible from the outside. 

Of course some of the Gowanus streets boast of high-stoop, 
two-story-and-basement brick houses, and some even have an 
occasional brown-stone edifice which rises to the dignity of two 
and a half or three stories, but the section of the famous neigh- 
borhood of which this story treats, and in which reside the Mc- 
Brannigans, O’Dooleys and Mulgrews, consists mainly of the 
humbler class of dwellings, which, though not exactly shanties, 
still are not palaces. 

The advantage of living in a one-story house is very apparent 
on a warm day. 

There are no stairs to climb, and, consequently, no distressful 
groanings from the female members of the families on account 
of that dreadful complaint palpitation of the heart, which is so 
common among the women of the “Upper Ten,” who live in 
four-story mansions. 

Then there’s the ease with which the children can be called 
in the morning. If Johnny or Jamesy fails to respond with 
alacrity to the warning that “ It’s time to get up ! ” why, he can 
be landed out of bed in a jiffy, before he has time to turn over 
and begin that second sleep from which it is so hard to wake a 
growing boy. 

But the principal advantage of living on the ground floor ’’ 
is, that when it is very warm in the house, one. can easily slip out 
and get a breath of fresh air. 

That is what makes Gowanus such a sociable place, and that 


78 


THE GOWANTJSIANS. 


is why I have been able to report so many pleasant sidewalk con- 
versations between the neighbors, who, if they were shut up in 
those prison-like abodes of brick and stone with which so many 
of onr streets are lined, would probably remain unacquainted with 
one another during their whole lives. 

Well, on Thursday morning, the sun and Old Humidity began 
operations at an early hour, and the consequence was that at 
abont 11 o’clock nearly every women in Gowanus was standing 
at her front door, trying to get a little relief from the oppressive 
heat. 

Of course, when one Gowanus woman sees another standing 
at her front door, the natural result is that in less than no time 
one front door is deserted and two Gowanns women are engaged 
in a more or less animated conversation. 

It happened that Mrs. McSniffigan, the contractor’s wife, who 
lives in a more pretentious house than her neighbors, but who is 
not very stuck up on that account, was passing Mrs. McBran- 
nigan’s just as Mrs. O’Dooley was crossing the street in that 
direction. The three women met at Mrs. McBrannigan’s gate, 
and of course stopped to have a little chat. 

The weather occupied their attention for the first ten minutes, 
and they compared the state of the atmosphere with its condition 
last year, and the year before, and as many years back as each conld 
remember. 

While they were talking a Chinaman happened to pass on his 
way down the street. 

He was dressed in the usual loose-fitting garments, and carried 
a small fan which he fiuttered industriously as he passed the three 
women, who gazed at him without speaking as he approached. 

As he passed them he had the temerity to smile and say some- 
thing which sounded like ‘‘ belly hot.” 

The women looked after him in disgust as he walked on down 
the street ; when he had turned the corner, Mrs. O’Dooley re- 
marked : 

“ Well ! well ! is there any bounds to the impidince o’ tliim yalla 
divils? Phwhat business is it of ours if hisould belly is hot ? If 
he wore his nightshirt tucked inside of his breeches instid of hav- 
in’ it flappin’ in the breeze, there might be some rayson for his 
remark ; but theiday of his spakin’ to three dacent ladies at all 
at all is phwhat I am disgusted wid. If I had my way I’d have 
ivery wan o’ the jandhered haythens run on boord of a mud scow 
an’ dumped out in the say, like so much garbage, so I wud !” 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


79 


Mrs. O’Dooley tossed her head back, and the perspiration 
began to trickle down her face in little streams as a result of her 
heated remarks. 

They’re goin’ to do somethin’ o’ that sort wid thim, I 
b’lave,” said Mrs. McSniffigan ; ‘‘ at laste, I heard my huzhband 
readin’ in the paper that accordin’ to some new law passed by an 
Irishman named Geary, no more o’ the cross-eyed things ’ll be 
allowed to come into America ; an’ that thim that’s here now 
will be obliged to have their pecther taken an’ filed at the City 
Hall, so that the police can kape thrack of phwhat they do. Faith 
’tis time they mede some rules to kape thim in ordher, or they’d 
soon have possession o’ the coiinthry, bad cess to their ugly 
mugs.” 

‘‘An’ phwhat good’ll it do to have their picthers took ?” said 
Mrs. O’Dooley. “ Shure they all have the wan yalla look, an’ the 
same loikeness ud do fer the whole dirty thribe o’ thim; it ud 
take tin Philadelphia lawyers to tell wan o’ thim from the other. 
I raley b’lave the only way they can have of knowin’ each other 
is like dogs — be the shmell.” 

“Well, there’s a slight difference in some o’ thim,” said Mrs. 
McSniffigan. “There was wan o’ thim kep’ a laundhry down in 
Coort sthreet, an’ he let his hair grow long instid of havin’ it 
scraped off wid a razor, an’ his eyes wor sthraight, an’ he had a 
thremenjus upper lip that gev him a good dale o’ an Irish look. 
Well, wan day a coushin o’ mine, a greenhorn, was takin’ a walk 
along Coort sthreet, whin he spied the Chinee, an’ he looked so 
much like omadhaun me coushin used to know at home, named 
Paddy the Loon, that he ran into the store an’ put his two hands 
over-the Chinee’s two eyes so that he cudn’t see him. 

“ ‘ I’ll give him a little scare,’ sez me coushin to himself, ‘ be- 
fore I tell him who I am.’ Then say she to the haythen, ‘ Phwhat 
part o’ the ould sod did yez come from, me fine bucko ?’ 

“ Now the Chinee was holdin’ a thing in his fisht like they 
use for teachin’ the childher to count wid in school, an’ he was 
usin’ it to count up the laundhry, so he says to me coushin, gettin’ 
mad like, in his own quare language, ‘ Leg go me head ; countee 
washee,’ meanin’ that he was busy countin’ the wash, d’ye see ? 

“Well, me coushin thought Paddy the Loon was gettin’ a 
little too smart, an’ that he w^as thryin’ to make a fool of him, so 
he let go of him an’ fetched him a clip alongside the gub, an’ 
says he, “ Take that, Paddy, for denyin’ that ye came from Done- 
gal, an’ for thryin’ to make belave there’s such a place as County 


80 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Wasliee in dear ould Ireland, when yon know there isn’t, even if 
ye are a loon !’ 

‘‘Well, me coushin kep’ np the argument an’ walloped the 
Chinee around, an’ soused him in his washtub, an’ kem near 
finishin’ him, but a policeman ran in an’ arrested thim both for 
fightin’, but phwhin I explained it to the judge he undherstood 
the throuble, and let me coushin go, and the Chinee wint back to 
his laundhry, but there’s no fear any wan ’ll mistake him for an 
Irishman again, bekase me coushin decorated his gub so beauti- 
fully that you wouldn’t know him from a pug dog.” 

Mrs. McSniffigan rested her elbows on the fence as she ended 
her story, and Mrs. McBrannigan was just about to tell of an ex- 
perience she had had wdth a Mongolian, when the whistle of the 
clock factory proclaimed the hour of noon, and the little anti- 
Chinese convention adjourned almost before it had time to settle 
itself down to a serious consideration of the subject under dis- 
cussion. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


81 


CHAPTER XIX. 

How THE Glorious Fourth was Celebrated at Mulgrew’s. 

Last Monday evening Mr. Miilgrew went up-stairs, and, walk- 
ing quickly into the front room, where his wife was sitting by 
the window, en deshahille, fanning herself in a heroic attempt to 
keep cool, said very sharply : 

Ph where’s thim dicorations ye bought lasht fall whin we 
wor cilebratin’ for Christopher Columbus ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew looked up in surprise at her better half, and 
instead of answering his question performed that peculiar Irish 
trick of asking another. 

“ Phwhat do yez want thim for, any way ? ” was what she 
said. 

Phwhat do ye suppose I want thim for?” said Mr. Mul- 
grew, growing a little excited. Do ye think I want to soak 
thim in alcohol an’ hops, an’ make some new brand of red, white 
an’ blue mixed ale, that’ll make me cushtomers see green an’ yalla 
shnakes ? Maybe ye think I want to lind thim to the Dutch 
Sourkrout Turn Veroyn cadets whin they parade to-morrow ; no, 
Mrs. Mulgrew, I want thim flags for the simple purpose of deco- 
ratin’, that’s all.” 

“ An’ phwhat rayson have ye for decoratin’ any way ? ” said 
Mrs. Mulgrew. ‘‘ Did some o’yer cushtomers give ye a surprise by 
payin’ what they owe ? ” 

Mr. Mulgrew looked at his wife in disgust. When he was 
able to speak he said, slowly, and with a touch of sarcasm in his 
voice : Mrs. Mulgrew, ye’ve been out of Ireland long enough to 
remimber that there’s a day comes in the middle o’ the summer 
that’s called the Fourth o’ July, an’ that ivery dacent citizen is 
bound to celebrate in })roper style, an’ tis wid that object in view 
that I kem up-stairs lookin’ for the sthreamers ye bought lasht 
October; phwhat did ye do wid thim, that’s all I want to 
know ? ” 

“ Shure I packed thim away in bedbug powder, an’ put thim 
by, thinkin’ they wouldn’t be needed till the next time they’d be 
celebratin’ the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus, 
d’ye see ? ” said Mrs. Mulgrew. 

6 


82 


THE G0WANUSTAN8. 


‘‘ I see,” said her husband, “ an’ I also see a great big jackass 
of a woman forninst me ! Phwliere, let me ax ye, wdll you or I 
be a liundhred years from now, whin they’ll be celebratin’ for 
Columbus? Have some gumption about ye, an’ hunt up thim 
flags in a jiffy, bekase I want to have the store done up rale gor- 
geous for the Fourth o’ July, do ye undherstand ? ” 

“ I do,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, meekly, realizing the justice of 
her husband’s scolding. Sit down here for a minute and I’ll 
get thim for ye.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew climbed up-stairs to the attic, and after con- 
siderable rummaging managed to locate the bundle of flags, which 
she recognized from its strong Persian powdery odor. 

She brought them down to Mr. Mulgrew, who carried them 
down to the saloon, where he found Slob McTerrigan waiting for 
him. 

Fie gave Slob the job of draping the front of the house with 
the bunting, promising him three schooners of beer as a reward 
providing the work was satisfactorily performed. 

Slob set to work, and before long had an admiring crowd of 
children looking at him, and also a critical crowd of his pals, who 
fired a volley of facetious remarks at Slob as he stood on a lad- 
der with his mouth full of tacks and a hammer in his hand drap- 
ing the Stars and Stripes and the harp of Erin in graceful juxta- 
position over the saloon door. 

Mr. Mulgrew surveyed the job when Slob had finished, and, 
it being satisfactory, he drew three full schooners of foaming beer 
and placed them on the bar in front of Slob, who emptied one 
after the other so quickly that even Mr. Mulgrew stared in surprise. 

On the morning of the Fourth Mr. Mulgrew went down-town 
and purchased a supply of fireworks. Fie also haj^pened to meet 
a German band and engaged them for the evening, and on his 
return painted a sign and hung it in the window, which ran as 
follows : 


Fireworks ! 

And Music by a Dutch Band, 
At Mulgrew’s, 

On the Fourth of July. 
Come 1, Come All. 


It is needless to say that the news spread like wildfire through 
Gowanus, and at 8 o’clock the streets near Mulgrew’s corner were 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


83 


packed with people bubbling over with impatience waiting for 
the show to begin. There was no public exhibition of fireworks 
in Gowanus this year, so Mr. Mulgrew’s generosity came like a 
godsend to the people. 

At 8 o’clock the band commenced to play, and ‘‘ After the 
Ball,’’ “ Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me a Bow Wow,” Tip Your Hat 
to Nellie,’’ ‘‘ The Star Lanciers,” and other very popular airs 
fioated out on the still air for some time. The crowd joined in 
the chorus of the songs with a vim and kept the band busy with 
requests for encores until it was dark enough for the fireworks 
exhibition to commence. 

While the band was playing one selection, Mr. Mulgrew 
noticed one of the players, a cornetist, who held his instrument 
in his hand most of the time, as the piece was one which had very 
few cornet notes in it. Going up to the fat little German, he 
said, in a way which meant business, ‘‘Phwhy the divil ain’t you 
playin’ on yer bugle?” 

The little cornetist, without raising* his eyes from the music, 
said, Oxcoose me, sir ; I’m resting.” 

Mr. Mulgrew’s ire rose at once. “ How dar ye ? ” he exclaimed, 
I’m payin’ yez hikers a dollar an’ a half an’ two schooners o’ 
beer each for playin’ music, an’, begorra, if yez don’t stick the 
ind o’ that horn in yer ugly mng an’ play like the divil, yez’ll 
not get a cint from me, an’ don’t you forget it.” 

The poor little Dutchman put his cornet to his lips and tooted 
away for dear life, although the other players looked daggers at 
him, and it is safe to say that if the author of the selection had 
been present he would not have recognized his work, so greatly 
embellished was it by the grand flourishes performed by the little 
cornetist, who was bound he would not miss the money and the 
beer, no matter how art had to suffer during the ordeal. 

At 9 o’clock “Lamelamp” O’Leary, “ Jigsy ’’ McDuff and 
“ Hoptygofetch ” O’Gaff, who constituted themselves policemen 
for the occasion, cleared a good sized space in front of the saloon, 
and Slob McTerrigan, his face beaming with pride, carried out 
the soap box containing the supply of fireworks, which, under 
Mr. Mulgrew’s direction, he proceeded to let off. 

What Ohs ’’ and Ahs ” went up from the crowd as each 
rocket ascended, leaving its tail of gleaming sparks behind, and 
each Roman candle emitted its bright vari-colored balls of fire, 
while the German band nearly burst its lungs playing “ Yankee 
Doodle ” and ‘‘ Comrades ” ! 


84 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


It was a great exhibition, and when finally three rockets were 
set off at once, and the band played Home, Sweet Home,” sig- 
nifying that the entertainment was over, a great cheer went up 
from the crowd, and a number of enthusiastic men began shout- 
ing for Mulgrew. 

The cry was taken up by the crowd with such vim that Mr. 
Mulgrew was compelled to leave the bar in charge of his assist- 
ant and make his appearance at the door, where he stood bowing 
to the cheering crowd. 

“ Speech ! Speech ! ” yelled the enthusiastic crowd, and be- 
fore he was aware of it Mr. Mulgrew was hoisted up on the 
shoulders of several men, who carried him over to the edge of 
the gutter. They placed him on top of an old empty ale barrel, 
where he stood smiling, while the crowd continued to call for a 
speech. 

When silence was restored, Mr. Mulgrew cleared his throat 
and made these characteristic remarks, which were frequently 
interrupted with applause : 

Min an’ women an’ childher of Gowanus — I stand before 
ye this evenin’ teetotally unprepared for speeclimakin’, but my 
mind is so full of the spirit of the day that I cannot refrain from 
lettin’ some of it run out through me mouth. As yez all know, 
this is the Fourth of July. On this day a great many years ago, 
George Washington an’ Thomas Jefferson an’ Lafayette, an’ a lot 
of other good citizens came together and med up their minds that 
they’d have nothing more to do wid ould England; well, England 
at the time was in a great stew, thryin’ to keep Ireland in subjec- 
tion. The whole English army was quartered in Ireland, and 
the whole navy was sthrung around Ireland to prevent any dis- 
turbance. Well, the King hired a lot of Swedes an’ Hessians an’ 
sint thim over here to fight the Americans, but the Yankees, 
assisted by a few Irishmen who had come over in advance to give 
Washington the tip about all the English army bein’ busy in 
keepin’ down the Irish, wor too much for the foreign soldiers, an’ 
a few years later what was left of thim wint back home to 
Sweden wid a great respect for America illuminatin’ their thick 
skulls. 

For this rayson I claim that Ireland had a great deal to do 
wid the emancipatin’ of America from England’s clutches. 

If the Irishmen in Ireland wor peaceable, why there 
wouldn’t have been any necessity for the troops bein’ left there, 
wid rows o’ battle-ships to back them up, an’ the ships an’ min 


THE G0WANUSIAN6. 


85 


wud have been sint over here to wollop the stuffin out of the 
Yankees. 

That’s the ray son Ireland is gettin’ so much support from 
America in the sthruggle for Home Rule, an’ I say, my frinds, ’tis 
only a matter of a few days whin Ireland will be free ; my belief 
in this is as firm as the foundation on which I stand ! ” 

As he said this Mr. Mulgrew got excited, and leaping about 
three feet in the air came down with both feet heavily on the 
barrel head, which collapsed under the strain, landing Mr. Mul- 
grew in a standing position in the empty barrel. 

The humor of the situation dawned on the crowd, and they 
burst into a loud laugh, which was immediately followed by three 
hearty cheers for Mulgrew, after which the crowd dispersed. 

A great many of the men, however, crowded into the saloon, 
and Mr. Mulgrew was kept busy till an early hour in the morn- 
ing receiving congratulations, and drawing beer and mixed ale 
while he explained over and over again his theory about the im- 
portant part played by Ireland in releasing America from 
England’s hated yoke. 


86 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XX. 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann Go To See Barncm’s Circus. 

For the first time in its history Barnurn’s Circus pitched its 
tents this year within a stone’s throw of the border line which 
separates Gowanus from Brooklyn proper. 

The small boys who despaired of ever getting together suf- 
ficient money to buy a circus ticket have contented themselves 
with long and earnest study of the flaring pictures on the fences 
and animated discussions as to whether the acrobats and bareback 
riders really did the wonderful feats shown in the colored litho- 
graphs, usually coming to the unanimous conclusion that if they 
really accomplished those things they must have sold demselis 
to de devil, see ? ’’ 

On Saturday morning, as Mrs. Mulgrew was on her way to 
the grocery store she saw Mrs. O’Dooley gazing intently at a 
picture representing the giant gorillas. Chikoand Johanna, which 
was hanging in the window of a barber-shop next door to Mul- 
grew’s saloon. 

Mrs. Mulgrew waited until Mrs. O’Dooley had satisfled her 
curiosity, and when she turned round to go home she saluted her 
with a pleasant “ Good-mornin’.’’ 

Arrah niusha, good-mornin’ to yerself,” said Mrs. O’ Dooley, 
pleasantly. ‘‘T’is a fine mornin’for a walk, so it is; an’ how is 
ivery bit o’ ye, an’ the ould man, an’ Mary Ann ? ” 

“ Oh, meself an’ the ould man are all right,” said Mrs. Mul- 
grew, “ but Mary Ann has a headache iver since lasht night, an’ 
she has the impidence to blame me for it.” 

“ An’ phwhat did ye do that made yer daughter sick, Mrs. 
Mulgrew ? ” asked Mrs. O’Dooley, anxiously. 

“Divil a thing, only thry to injoy meself the besht way I 
knew how,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. ‘‘Ye see, meself an’ Mary Ann 
wint to the circus lasht night, an’ she didn’t like some o’ the 
things I did. She says ivery time we go out together I do some- 
thin’ to disgrace her, an’ she has a good mind niver to go out wid 
me again.” 

‘‘ Oh, well, young people is young people,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, 


Me GOWANU8IANS. Sf 

shaking her head ; they do get so much eddication that it turns 
their brains, an’ they imagine that iverything the ould folks do is 
unpolite an’ disgraceful. I wudn’t mind Mary Ann, but if I wor 
you I’d thry an’ take her advice about behavin’ in public, bekase 
a young gerrul that has a polite mother wid her always feels much 
aisier in her mind an’ she can injoy herself iver so much betther 
than she can phwhin her mother is always makin’ ‘ breaks,’ as the 
boys say. But ye tell me ye wor at the circus ; was it worth 
goin’ to see? ” 

Oh, indeed, it was,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, with a smile. 
‘‘ Next to Paddy Eooshky’s piano playin’, it was the finest per- 
formance I iver had the good luck to see.” 

‘‘ I was jusht lookin’ at the picthers in the barber’s windy,” 
said Mrs. O’Dooley, ‘ showin’ a pair o’ monkeys wid faces on thim 
for all the world like min. Did ye see thim ? ” 

Oh, yis,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, an’ about a hundhred 
million other things too numerous to mintion, as the professor 
said at the door as we wint in. Come over to the grocery shtore 
wid me an’ I’ll tell ye all about it. I can’t shtand so long on me 
feet. I have corns an’ bunions so bad, lately, that I’m almosht 
crazy wid thim.” 

Mrs. O’Dooley slipped her arm into Mrs. Mulgrew’s and to- 
gether they wended their way to the little German grocery store, 
and on arriving there proceeded to plant themselves on two con- 
venient soap boxes near the door, and as Mrs. O’Dooley assumed 
a listening attitude, Mrs. Mulgrew began the recital of her advent- 
ures at the circus. 

Lasht night, at supper time, Mary Ann says to me, ‘Maw, 
I think we betther go to the circus this evenin’. ’Tis playin’ at 
the corner of Fourth avenue an’ Third street. We can take the 
throlley an’ get there in no time, an’ I’m sure ye’ll injoy it much 
betther than the musicale at McShniffigan’s, bekase there’ll be no 
singin’ or recutin’, but lots o’ horses an’ animals an’ things that 
it’ll do ye good to see.” 

“Well, I was feelin’ purtygood, so I says, ‘All right, we’ll 
shtart right afther supper,’ an’ as soon as the meal was over we 
washed ourselves an’ put on our things — not our besht wans, be- 
kase Mary Ann said we might have thim shpoiled wid the dusht 
an’ dirt, but our second besht — an’ off we wint. 

“ Phwhin we arrived at the inthrance of the tint, there was 
the greatest collection o’ people I iver saw in all me born days — 
old min wid their wives, an’ young min wid their besht gerruls, an’ 


88 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


any number of small childher, all piisbin’ an’ criisliin’ an’ thryin’ 
to get near the ticket office, but me size an’ me strinth kem in very 
handy, for I poked me elbows out, the same as I did at the food 
exhibition, an* gave thumps right an’ left, an’ soon med a passage 
for meself. 

“ Phwile this was going on, a smart young fellow shopke to 
me, an’ says he, ‘ Buy yer tickets from me, ma’am, an’ save the 
crush at the box office.’ ‘ All right,’ says I, ‘gimme tw^o.’ Well, 
he gev me two an’ I gev him a dollar bill. ‘ Fifty cints more,’ 
says he. ‘ For phwhat ? ’ says I ‘ don’t the sign say, admis- 
sion, fifty cints?’ ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ says he, ‘but I’m a 
speculator, an’ I charge fifty cints exthra on account o’ savin’ ye 
the throuble of shcrabblm’ at the box office.’ ‘ Excuse me,’ says 
I, as I poked me elbow into his stomach, ‘but I didn’t come into 
Brooklyn on the lasht load o’ hay that was cut in Gravesind. Ye 
can’t fool me ! ’ Well, he doubled up in two, like a jackknife, 
an’ gev me a bow in shpite of himself, an’ meself an’ Mary Ann 
wint in to the circus. 

“ First we wint through the tint phwhere they shows off the 
animals ; ’twas there I saw the monkeys that’s in that picther over 
there ; faith I nearly had the life sheared out o’ mephwhin I saw 
thirn. Wan o’ thim — that’s the hemale — has a face that is the dead 
image of a young fellow that used to be swate on me before I 
married Mulgrew ; phwhin I refused to marry him he shipped 
for Austhralia, an’ I niver heard tell of him since, but phwhin 
I laid eyes on the monkey, I grabbed Mary Ann be the arm, an’ 
says I, ‘ If that ain’t Jerry O’Donovan, I’m agoat ; he musht have 
turned into a hairy man out in Austhralia, an’ here they have him 
on exhibition, an’ a hairy gerrul beside him ; well I niver thought 
j^hwhin I refused him he’d come to this ! 

“ Thin Mary Ann got mad, bekase I said all that so loud that 
iverybody in the tint heard me an’ looked around an’ laughed 
right out loud ; Mary Ann says, ‘ for hi ven’s sake, maw, kape quiet ! 
don’t make such a fool o’ yerself ; thim’s nothin’ but a pair o’ 
monkeys.’ 

“ Well, sure enough, phwhin I looked again closer at the cage 
it was nothin’ but two overgrown monkeys, the same as the organ 
grinders sinds up to the windy for the pinnies, only their faces 
wor so like mins’ and wimmen’s that ye couldn’t be blamed for 
makin’ a mistake. 

“ Phwhin we saw all the animals we wint into the big tint, 
phwhere the show was goin’ to take place, an’ there was such a 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


89 


gang there that we had the divil’s own time thrjin’ to find a sate. 
We had to climb up on a lot o’ boords like a ladder, an’ phwhin 
we got up near the top we had to sit down on wan o’ the boords 
that was about six inches wide, an’ ye know I’m more than six 
inches across, Mrs. O’Dooley, an’ lean tell ye I wasn’t very com- 
fortable, an’ besides I had to lave me legs bangin’ in the air half 
the time. 

But phwhin the circus comminced I got so intherested that 
I forgot all about me sate, an’ injoyed iverything that was done 
the same as if I was a little gerrul tin years ould. They had horse 
races, an’ runnin’ races, an’ thrapeze jugglers, an’ educated ponies 
an’ illephants, an’ about forty clowns, an’ acrobats, an’ tumblers, 
an’ ladies wid dhresses that wor cut low from the top an’ high 
from the bottom, ridin’ around the rings on horseback, standin’ 
up an’ doin’ shtunts through hooples, so that ye’d think they wor 
goin’ to break their necks ivery minute, but they didn’t, an’ the 
nearer they kem to doin’ it the harder they shmiled, till ye’d 
think their faces ’ud crack in two. 

They wor so many things there that it ’ud take me a week 
to tell ye all about thim, but Mary Ann sat there alongside o’ me 
an’ she didn’t seem to injoy it at all. Phwhin it was all over an’ 
we wor cornin’ out, I says to Mary Ann, ‘ Phwhat’s the matther 
wid ye ; ye didn’t seem to in joy the circus at all ? ’ an’ she turned 
about and she says. ‘ Maw, I have a headache from the way ye 
med a laughin’ shtock o’ yerself phwhin ye saw thim monkeys. 
Phwhy can’t ye learn to behave yerself phwhin we go out ? ’ She 
niver shpoke another word to me till we got home, an’ she wint 
to bed, an’ phwhin I left the house now she was in bed shtill. I'm 
sorry if I was the cause of her sickness, but I can’t help it, Mrs. 
O’Dooley, indade I can’t.” 

Mrs. O’Dooley saw that Mrs. Mulgrew was likely to branch out 
on the subject of her daughter, so she excused herself on the plea 
of having some work to do at home, and left Mrs. Mulgrew to 
transact her business with the German grocer. 


90 


TiTE GOWANtTSIAN^. 


CHAPTEK XXL 

Mrs. Mulgrew Endeavors to Learn the Intricacies of 
Lawn Tennis. 

Right in front of the door of the German grocery kept by 
Mr. Eritzenheimer is a large ailanthiis tree, which throws a very 
cool shadow over the rows of boxes and barrels and crates of 
green stuff which are displayed in as tempting a manner as 
possible by the energetic proprietor. 

At certain seasons of the year, just when the weather is 
hottest, the tree, like all others of its kind, throws a very 
disagreeable odor along with its very agreeable shade, but as Mr. 
Eritzenheimer is an enthusiast on Limburger cheese and kindred 
German delicacies, the aroma of the tree is as sweet to him as 
were the odors of Araby the Blest to those who were fortunate 
enough to be in the neighborhood when they were wafted 
around. 

On warm mornings Mr. Fritzenheimer’s customers have a 
great habit of lingering around after making their purchases 
chatting to one another, as the shade of the tree is a great relief 
to the women, especially to those who live in one-story houses, 
because the sun beats down on the roof of a one-story house in a 
fashion which makes the occupants think that even the shade of 
the ailanthus tree seems to justify its name of the tree of heaven. 

On Thursday morning, when Mrs. Mulgrew reached Fritzen- 
heimer’s front door, she sank down on a big soap box under the 
tree with a sigh of intense relief, and after recovering her breath, 
gave directions to Mr. FritzenheimeFs white-haired assistant 
about various articles she needed in the grocery line. While she 
was thus engaged, Mrs. McSniffigan, the rich contractor’s wife, 
came up the street, and bidding Mrs. Mulgrew a very pleasant 
good-morning, passed into the store. 

While she was inside, she looked out at Mrs. Mulgrew and 
noticed that she was very much sunburned, and that there was a 
long scratch down the middle of her nose from which the skin 
was peeling in a most alarming way. Mrs. McSniffigan is not 
naturally of a very curious disposition, but she thought as she 




THE GOWANUSIANS. 


91 


had a few moments to spare she would sit down beside Mrs. 
Mulgrew, and that perhaps that good woman would tell her of 
her own accord how she came by the sunburning and the 
disfigured nose. So, when her business with the Dutch grocer 
was over, she went out and sat down on another soap box, near 
the saloon-keeper’s wife, and after a few pleasantries about the 
weather, and so on, Mrs. Mulgrew said with a smile : 

“ Did yez' obsarve me beautifully dicorated countenance this 
mornin’, Mrs. McSniflSgan ? ’’ 

did,” replied Mrs. McSniffigan, ^‘but I was too polite to 
make any remarks about it, thinkin’ mebbe somethin’ happened 
ye that ye wudn’t care to have known around Gowanus.” 

‘‘ Oh, dear, no, ’twas nothing that needs to be hushed up like 
that, thanks be to goodness,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. It happened, 
as usual, on account o’ me own stubbornness an’ me habit of 
interfarin’ wid games that I know nothin’ about.” 

I thought ye had enough o’ thim games whin ye kem near 
puttin’ an ind to yersel’ thryin’ to learn to shkate,” said Mrs. 
McSniffigan. Whin do ye think ye’ll get sinse, anyway ? ” 

“ Niver, I’m afeared,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew. Now, how 
do ye suppose I kem be the beautiful ornamintation on me 
bugle ? ” 

“I dunno,” said Mrs. McSniffigan, “but ye look as if ye’d 
been through a boxin’ match an’ got the worst of it.” 

“Oh, no, ’twas nothin’ like that,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a 
laugh. “ I got me nose scratched up an’ me complexion spoiled 
the way ye see it thryin’ to learn to play long dinnis.” 

“ An’ phwhat the divil is long dinnis ? ” asked Mrs. McSniffi- 
gan, with interest marked in every wrinkle of her face. 

“ Oh, ’tis a dude’s game, that’s played Wid two soft rubber 
balls an’ a thing like a snowshoe that ye hit them wid an’ knock 
thim back an’ forward over a long fish net sthrung bechune two 
sticks stuck in the ground,” said Mrs. Mulgrew ; “ an’ ivery time 
ye knock the ball over ye holler out ‘ forty love,’ or ‘ the deuce,’ 
or ‘ thank you,’ or any other foolish thing that comes into yer 
moind at the toime.” 

“An’ how in the name o’ goodness did ye come to thry to 
learn how to play it ? ” asked Mrs. McSniffigan. 

“Well,’’ replied Mrs. Mulgrew, “you know that Mary Ann 
belongs to a bowlin’ club, an’ ye recollect how I met wid an 
accident whin I wintdown there wan night as a shaflfyone. Now 
the weather got too hot for the bowlin’, so the young folks med 


92 


THE GOWAOTTSIANS. 


up their moinds that they’d turn thimselves into a long dinnis 
club for the summer, an’ I was obliged to give Mary Ann $45 to 
buy a new dhress an’ a cap to match, an’ fancy colored shtockin’s 
an’ shoes wid rubber soles, an’ siveral other things that’s necessary 
for playin’ the game of long dinnis properly. 

“ Well, she went up to the park ivery day after dinner, an’ 
the exercise an’ the fresh air benefited her so much that I med up 
me mind to have a thry at it meself. 

“ Of coorse she thried to talk me out of it, but ye know, Mrs. 
McSnifiigan, when I make up me moind to a thing, all the talk in 
the world wudn’t change me a bit ; so yistherda’ afthernoon I wint 
out to the park wid Mary Ann an’ sat down on a binch undher a 
three to cool otf an’ watch herself and another gerrul an’ two 
long-legged dudes in short pants playin’ the game. 

Purty soon, just afther Mary Ann hit the ball a swipe, I 
heard wan o’ the dudes say to her, ‘forty, love,’ and I called Mary 
Ann over to me right away, an’ sez I: ‘When did that young 
whipper snapper get so frindly wid ye that he calls ye pet names 
like that ? ’ ‘ Why, he didn’t call me no pet names,’ sez she, very 
sassy like. ^ Don’t thry to hoodwink your mother, Mary Ann,’ sez 
I, ‘for I heard him this minute call ye “love,” an’ that’s a name 
no young man has a right to call any young gurrul unless he’s 
ingaged to her, an’ hiven forbid that ye should be ingaged to 
marry such a thrauneen of a man as that spindle-shanked dude.’ 

“ W ell, whin they heard that they all burst out into a roar of a 
laugh ye cud hear a mile away, an’ thin Mary Ann explained that 
it was part of the game. ‘ I don’t care if it is,’ sez I, ‘ ye’ll have 
to cut it out, or divil another step will I let ye come to the park 
to play long dinnis, for I have a notion that it isn’t a very proper 
game.’ 

“ They wint on playin’ anyway, an’ I got quite intherested in 
it, an’ it looked so aisy that I axed wan o’ the dudes to lind me 
his snowshoe — I believe they call it a racket — so that I cud have a 
chance to see phwhat the game was like. 

“ I stood forninst the fish net, an’ wan o’ the dudes gev the 
ball a little tap over rny way ; I braced me feet an’ took the racket 
in me two hands an’ fetched the ball a lick that landed it into 
the middle of next week. I looked around, an’ sez I, ‘ How is 
that for long dinnis playin’ ? There isn’t wan o’ yez that cud 
knock the ball half as far as that,’ an’ I took a fit of laughin’ 
whin I saw wan o’ the other dudes chasin’ half way across the 
park to get the ball. Thin they towld me that wasn’t the way to 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


93 


play ; I musht give the ball a gentle tap, an’ put it inside the 
chalk lines on the other side of the fish net. 

“ Well, I thried it again ; this time the long-legged dude sint 
the ball over, an’ I nied a play for it an’ missed it ; ‘ fifteen, love,’ 
sez the dude, lookin’ at me wid a smile. I thought he was tryin’ 
to mash me, so I wint over to him, an’ before he knew it I fetched 
him a lick wid the racket alongside of his straggly side whiskers, 
an’ sez I, thought I forbid that kind of language in this game ! 
It’s bad enough for yez to be talkin’ to young gerruls like that, 
but I want ye to undherstand I’m a dacent married woman, an’ I 
won’t stand it.’ 

“ Thin they all got around, an’ explained it over again to me 
that he was only keepin’ the score, an’ that love meant nothin’ in 
the game, so I agreed to let thim count that way, an’ we started 
to play once more. 

‘‘ I stood a long ways from the net this time, an’ whin the ball 
kem my way, it bounced on the ground over near the net. I med 
a run for it, but me wind gev out, or me fut slipped, or somethin’, 
an’ instid of hittin’ the ball I hit the ground a beautiful lick, an’ 
smashed the racket into smithereens, an’ wint slidin’ like a base- 
ball player on me stomach, until me nose landed up agin the post 
that holds up the net, an’ all the long dinnis players began to 
scream, thinkin’ I was fatally killed, but I took a dhrink from a 
can o’ wather that they had there (thim long dinnis dudes niver 
thinks of havin’ such a thing as a fiask about thim), an’ in a few 
minutes I was as well as ever, barrin’ the peelin’ of me nose, an’ 
that’ll be all right in a few days. 

“ Mary Ann says I’ll have to pay siven dollars for the racket 
I smashed belongin’ to the dude, so ye see me long dinnis expa- 
rience was quite expinsive, but I know enough now to lave the 
game hereaftherto thim that’s fit to play it — giddy young gerruls 
and long-legged dudes.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew stood up from the soap box, as she was quite 
rested by this time, and she and Mrs. McSniffigan started ofi in the 
direction of their respective homes, leaving the cool shade of the 
ailanthus tree in full possession of Mr. Fritzenheimer and his 
white-haired clerk, who were busy picking over boxes of rasp- 
berries, putting the big ones on top, and the small ones at the 
bottom — a trick which is practiced by grocers in other parts of the 
city as well as in Go wan us. 


94 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XXIL 

Mrs. Mulgrew Makes Preparations to Go to the Country 
FOR Her Health. 

As Mrs. McBrannigan was sweeping the dust from in front 
of her door on one of the tine days last week, Mrs. Mulgrew 
approached her, all dressed up in her best Sunday “ duds,” and, 
as the two women never could pass each other without having 
a little chat, Mrs. Mulgrew shouted at Mrs. McBrannigan to stop 
raising such a dust, as she had something to say to her. 

Mrs. McBrannigan paused in her work and looked up to see 
who was addressing her in so familiar a manner, but when she 
recognized Mrs. Mulgrew she smiled and said: Well, it does 
bate all, the foine toimes ye do be afther havin’, Mrs. Mulgrew. 
I see you are all dhressed up again to-day, an’ where might ye 
be goin’ this foine mornin’, if it ain’t a saycret bechune yerself 
an’ the lamppost?” 

‘‘ I’m goin’ down town,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, with a sort 
of Sunday accent in her voice which always displeased Mrs. 
McBrannigan, but which afforded Mrs. Mulgrew intense satis- 
faction. I’m goin’ down-town to buy me summer outfit and a 
few fol de rols for Mary Ann.’’ 

Why, ’tis the middle av July,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, in 
surprise, ‘‘ an’ the summer is half over, an’ phwhat do ye want 
wid an outfit here in Gowanus, where there’s nothing but goats 
an’ ducks to see what yez have on your back ? ” 

Oh, faith it isn’t in Gowanus I’m goin’ to show off me 
foine clothes, Mrs. McBrannigan,” answered the saloon-keeper’s 
wife hotly,” but awa}^ off in the country, where meself an’ Mary 
Ann are goin’ to rushticate for the benefit av our health, d’ye 
moind?” 

Mrs. McBrannigan in surprise dropped the broom she had 
been sweeping with, and gazed in dumb amazement at the stout, 
healthy, red-faced woman in front of her, and then burst into 
a loud laugh. “ Well, well ! What’ll ye be afther doin’ next, I 
wondher ? ’’ she said finally, with a grin. An’ what is it ails 
ye, darlin’ ? Is it the consumption ye have, I dunno ? ” and 


THE GOWANU8IAN8. 


95 


Mrs. McBrannigan picked up the broom and gave Mrs. Mul- 
grew a playful poke in the place where her ribs would have 
been if she hadn’t been so fearfully fat, and laughed again at her 
good joke. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s face grew redder than ever at this, and 
she replied, very stiffly : 

No, Mrs. McBrannigan, ’tis no consumption I have, but I’d 
loike to have ye know that stout folks can have complaints 
jusht as well as little dhried up, weaselly people. My docthor 
tells me that I have fatty degingeration av the heart, an’ that I 
must go away to the mountains an’ inhale the fresh air, an’ I’ll 
feel betther in no toime.” 

Well, I don’t know what fatty what did ye call it o’ the 
heart, may be,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, reflectively, but it’s 
the flrst toime I iver heard tell of a Gowanus person bein’ at- 
tacked in that part o’ the system. An’ how did it affect ye, Mrs. 
Mulgrew ? ” 

“It’s the horriblest thing I iver felt,” answered the invalid, 
in a tired tone, “ an’ whativer else ye may get, Mrs. McBranni- 
gan, I’d advise ye niver to get fatty degingeration of the heart, 
lor the pain av it is worse than the rheumatism.” 

Faith, there’s not the slightest danger that I’ll do any- 
thing o’ the sort,” replied Mrs. McBrannigan, ‘^bekase in the 
flrst place I can’t afford to buy the kind of food that would give 
me the disase, and in the next place, even if I did get it, I 
wouldn’t know how to . tell people what it was I had. So I 
think I’ll give it the go by ; it’s too high toned for me.” 

“ Well, you’re right about the lasht part of it, Mrs. McBran- 
nigan,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, ^^for ’tis an annoyin’ thing to have 
to be tollin’ people about havin’ such a long double, thribble 
name, I had to get Mary Ann to say it over an’ over again for 
me about a hundred an’ fifty toimes before I cud get hould av it, 
an’ I don’t think I have it quite right even now ; that deginger- 
atin’ part of it always kind o’ sticks in me throat.” 

‘‘ Begorra, ye have it near enough to suit me, Mrs. Mulgrew,’’ 
said Mrs. McBrannigan, quickly, “bekase I ain’t wan .o’ thim 
dirty particular sort o’ people that want i very thing jusht so. 
But ye forgot to tell me where yez are goin’ on yer thrip.” 

“ Oh, I left all that to Mary Ann,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew. 
“ She’s gone down to buy the tickets. But I think it’s some- 
where in the Catskill mountains we’ll be afther goin’, an’ they 
say the air is moighty foine and shtrong up there. The docthor 


96 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


says ’tis to Ireland I ought to go, but me huzhband says he 
couldn’t bear to let me go so far away, an’ he wouldn’t go wid 
me bekase he says he likes this place so much that he wouldn’t 
be happy out of it. lie says Ireland is too far from Gowanus to 
suit him. I’m goin’ downtown, as I told ye before, to buy 
meself a proper outfit for the counthry; I don’t know what in 
the dickens I’ll need, but Mary Ann seems to know jusht what 
I want, so I’ll lave it all to her, unless she wants me to buy out 
two or three stores, an’ if she does I’ll put me fut down, and 
when I put me fut down, Mrs. McBrannigan, I mane business, 
an’ don’t yez forgit it.” 

I belave ye, Mrs. Mulgrew,” answered Mrs. McBrannigan, 
with a merry twinkle in her eye, “ for yer fut is big enough to 
mane anything.” 

‘^You needn’t get so personal, me good woman,” said Mrs. 
Mulgrew, good-humoredly. But do ye know I’ve been laffin’ 
since lasht night at a good joke Mary Ann towld me about thim 
Catskill mountains. I musht tell it to you before I go ; ’tis the 
funniest thing I iver heard in all me born days.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s immense figure shook with merriment as she 
recalled the joke, and Mrs. McBrannigan waited patiently to hear 
what the jest might be. 

“ She says a girl towld her that was in the mountains lasht 
year,” resumed Mrs. Mulgrew, between 'chuckles. ‘‘You see, it 
goes like this: Up there the cats kill mountains, but down here 
they kill rats. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ” And Mrs. Mulgrew almost 
exploded with another burst bf merriment. 

“ Well, maybe it’s very funny, but I haven’t time to laugh,” 
said Mrs. McBrannigan. “ I’ll think it over afther dinner, an’ 
I’ll let yez know whether I see where the laugh comes in or no. 
But I hope yourself an’ Mary Ann ’ll have a nice time shoppin’, 
an’ that ye’ll enjoy yerselves in the Catskills mountains, an’ that 
yerself ’ll come home to Gowanus lookin’ as rosy as iver, an’ that 
ye’ll get rid o’ that throublesome disase wid the throublesomer 
name.” 

“ Thank ye, kindly, for yer good wishes, Mrs. McBrannigan,” 
said Mrs. Mulgrew. “ I think ’twill binifit me greatly ; but I 
raley musht be off downtown to meet Mary Ann on Fulton 
street, to buy me outfit, for I musht put on style, ye know ; in 
thim counthry hotels people are extremely stylish, Mrs. McBran- 
nigan. W^ell, I’ll be off. Good-bye ; I’ll see you before I go, to 
show ye me outfit; run over some avenin’, won’t ye?” 


THE GOWANHSIANS. 


97 


Shure, I will,” answered Mrs. McBrannigan, and as she 
watched the portly figure of Mrs. Mulgrew move down the 
street, she wished that she and Maud might be going on the same 
errand. 

Mebbe we might, some daj^,” she said, refiectively ; “ if the 
ould man iver gets that pinsion we’ll buy an outfit that’ll knock 
the spots out of anything she’ll get, an’ go back and spind six 
months in the ould dart ; ” and, as the recollection of her happy 
childhood days came back to her, Mrs. McBrannigan wiped a 
tear from her eye with the corner of her apron and went into the 
house to prepare the dinner. 


7 


98 


THE GOWANTJSIANS. 


CIIAPTEE XXIII. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s Outfit and Her Trip to the Catskills. 

The evening after the conversation between Mrs. Mnlgrew and 
Mrs. McBrannigan, Mrs. McBrannigan went over to see Mrs. 
Mulgrew, to have a look at the outfit for the Catskill mountain 
trip and to have a chat about her shopping experiences. 

“ Good-avenin’ to ye,’’ said Mrs. McBrannigan, as she opened 
the door of Mrs. Mulgrew’s apartments, which were over the 
saloon, and peered about in the semi-darkness. ‘‘ God save all 
here!” 

“ Amen 1 ” said Mrs. Mulgrew, who was lighting the lamp. 

An’ how is yerself ? ’’ 

“ Purty well, I thank ye, only for the heat,” replied Mrs. 
McBrannigan. ‘‘ Did yez notice how warm it was ?” 

“ Oh, don’t be talkin’,’’ said Mrs. Mulgrew. “I’m that sick 
av this weather that I cud jusht dhrop dead ; the only thing that 
kapes me aloive is the iday av me thrip to the Catskill mountains.” 

“ Oh, yis,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, interestedly. “ Did yez 
buy the outfit ye wor spakin’ av yistherda’ mornin’ ? ’’ 

“Well, indade I did,’’ replied Mrs. Mulgrew, “an’ faith ’tis 
the last outfit I’ll ever buy, if I live to be a hundherd an’ fifty 
years ould. Oh, but I had the divil’s own time shoppin’, Mrs. 
^McBrannigan ; ’tis a wondher I’m alive to tell av it. 
Sit down an’ have a glass o’ mixed ale ; it’ll cool ye while I’m 
tellin’ ye me throubles.” 

Mrs. McBrannigan took the mixed ale and assumed an air of 
respectful attention, while Mrs. Mulgrew proceeded to unfold her 
tale of woe. 

“You see,” she began, “ all the throuble I have in the world, 
except the rheumatism an’ the degingeratin’ av me heart, is 
brung on me be that daughther o’ mine, Mary Ann. She’s that 
stuck up an’ that stylish that she vrouldn’t like to give me a 
chance to open me mouth at all, at all, but she’s mighty willin’ to 
have me open me pocket-book at every hand’s turn. Well, I met 
her down-town, an’ we wint into wan o’ the big stores, an,’ sez I, 
‘Phwhat’ll we buy first, Mary Ann ? ’ An’ sez she, ^I think ye 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


99 


bettlier have a blazer suit, maw ; they’re extramely in vogue jusht 
now.’ 

“ Faith, it’s a blazer suit I have on now, Mary Ann,’ sez I, 
‘ for I’m as hot as a roasted pig swimmin’ in gravy.’ Well, Mrs. 
McBrannigan, whin the gerrul that was waitin’ on us heard me 
say that she gev a scream you cud hear a block away. 
^ Phwhat’s ailin’ that omadhaun, Mary Ann ? ’ sez I ; ‘ has she 
got the high sterics ? Give her a poke in the back an’ see if 
she’ll get back her wind.’ But Mary Ann niver noticed what I 
said, but sez she, to the laugher, quite hoyty toyty like, ^Show 
us some blue blazer suits, please, to fit maw.’ Well, the airs av 
that gerrul jusht paralyze me, Mrs. McBrannigan ; I don’t have 
much to say whin she begins, so I waited to see what a blue 
blazer suit might be like, an’ the gerrul wint to fetch it. 

Whin she put wan on herself she looked rale swate, for she 
was a moighty purty young woman. Mary Ann tells me that 
they kape purty gerruls wid fine shapes jusht on purpose to show 
off the goods, an’ ’tis a splindid plan, for it jusht gives ye aniday 
av the way you’re goin to look whin yez have a dhress av the 
same kind on yerself. Well, I liked the looks av the blue blazer 
suit so much that I sez : ‘ I guess I’ll have wan o’ thim.’ She 

took me measure an’ thried on the jacket, an’ whin I looked at 
the glass I scarcely knew meself, I looked so slim and stylish. 
Why, I felt me fatty degingeration lavin’ me immajetly ; I niver 
felt so foine in me loife. 

“ Mary Ann ordhered a blazer suit for herself, too, av coorse, 
but hers cost twice as much as mine, although there wasn’t half 
as much shtuff in it ; she said it was on account av it bein’ im- 
ported that it cost so much, but it looked so nice that I didn’t 
mind the price. 

Well, afther that we wint to the shoe department, an’ sez 
Mary Ann, ‘ Ye’ll have to have a pair av rusty shoes for walkin’ 
in the mountains wid, maw.’ ‘ Divil a rusty shoe will I wear,’ 
sez 1, ‘ bekase me corns an’ bunions is that bad that I can scarcely 
walk even in me bare feet,’ but nothing would do Mary Ann but 
I must have rusty shoes, so’s to be Gn it,’ d’ye moind, she said. 
Well, I got thim for peace sake, an’ thin we wint to the counter 
where the shirts were sold for wearin’ wid the blazer suits. ^ I 
don’t want no shirt, Mary Ann,’ sez I, gettin mad. ‘ What do 
yez take me for a long dinnis player ? ’ But Mary Ann gev the 
ordhers for the shirts as high toned as ye plaze, jusht as if I was 
only a wooden Indian that was talkin’, instid av bein’ her own 


100 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


mother. Well, Mrs. McBrannigan, there wasn’t a counther in 
that store that we didn’t stop at an’ buy something. We bought 
a lot av cologne, an’ a hose for squirtin’ it over yerself, to make 
you smell nice, an’ we bought shtockins av all colors, striped an’ 
spotted, an’ thrimmed off in a w^ay that ud set ye crazy. Thiin 
was all for Mary Ann, av coorse. She bought black wans for me, 
bekase she said no civilized people wore Balbriggans any more, 
an’ she wanted me to look like a human bein’ for wanst, she 
said. 

“ Well, to make a long story short, we got home at six o’clock, 
sick an’ tired out, an’ me pocket-book was sicker lookin’ than 
ayther av us ; an’ there’s the whole outfit for ye, Mrs. McBranni- 
gan,’ lyin’ on the bed. Ain’t it beautiful ? ’’ 

Mrs. McBrannigan examined the blue blazer suit, and the 
dainty hosiery, and smelled the cologne, and commented on every- 
thing. until she was tired. Then, as it was getting late, she 
wished Mrs. Mulgrew a pleasant trip, and went home to describe 
to Maud the wonders and beauties of a real genuine Catskill 
mountain outfit,” while Mrs. Mulgrew divided her time between 
finishing her glass of mixed ale and packing her trunk. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


101 


CHAPTER XXIY. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s Letter to Mrs. McBrannigan from the 
Catskills. 

As Mrs. McBrannigan was sweeping the sidewalk in front of 
her house on Friday morning, the postman stopped and handed 
her a letter. 

Mrs. McBrannigan smiled and thanked the letter-carrier, and 
after looking the envelope over quizzically and surmising whence 
it had come, she placed it carefully away in the bosom of her 
dress and went on with her sweeping of the sidewalk. 

Troth, ’tis a poor thing not to be able to read,” she mused, 
as she plied the broom industriously ; “ I’ll have to wait till Maud 
comes home before I know the first thing about this letther.” 

When Maud came in, Mrs. McBrannigan produced the letter 
and, laying it on the table, said : ‘‘ Here’s a letther the postman 
gev me, Maud. Is it for yerself it is ? ” 

‘‘ Why, no, mother ; ’’ said Maud : ‘‘ it’s for you, and I think 
it must be from Mrs. Mulgrew.” And Maud hastily opened the 
precious envelope and read the contents, to her mother’s great 
delight. 

The letter, which speaks for itself, ran as follows : 

Haines’ Falls, ) 
Catskill Mountains, August 8. ) 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — I take my pin in hand to rite yez 
these fue lines, hopin’ they will find yez in the besht av helth an’ 
sperits, as this laves us, Mary Ann an’ meself, at present. 

We got here after the divil’s own ride in the steam cars ; 
begorra ’twas so hot you cud cut the heat wid a knife cumin’ 
up. I thought we’d niver get here, an’ I was on the pint av get- 
tin’ off several times, but Mary Ann bid me stay on till we got 
here, an’ here we are. 

The place is called Haines Falls, an’ indade ’tis a bee-yutiful 
place, it is intoirely. 

There’s a watiierfall here, but it’s the funniest thing I iver 
saw in all me life ; it’s a Yankee invinshin if there iver was wan. 


102 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


This is the way they work it ; they wait until a whole lot av 
people pay twinty-five cents each to go in ; thin they turn on a 
tap, an’ the wather runs down over the rocks like mad ; ’tis a 
grand sight ; but it’s so different from the splash-dash falls in 
Ballymacfad that it med me homesick to look at it. 

The hotel we’re shtopping at is first class, an’ the times we’ve 
had since we kem here wud fill a book. Thej^ have ivery im- 
provement ; elasthic bells in ivery room ; all ye have to do is to 
push a little button an’ a naygur comes an’ brings you dhrinks or 
anything yez want. The first day I was here I pushed the but- 
ton, an’ whin the naygur kem up, I sez : “ bring me a glass o’ 
mixed ale ; ’’ well, the black monkey began to laff , an’ Mary Ann 
turned red, and sez she, “ Bring up two bottles of ale, plaze; ould 
ale an’ new ale.” ‘‘ All right,” sez the moke. Phwhin 
he was gone, she sez to me, ‘‘ yez ought to know betther 
nor to ask for mixed ale in a hotel, maw; they niver haves 
it.” “ Well,’’ sez I, “ I’m sorry they’re not as civilized up here 
as they are in Gowanus, but I musht have me mixed ale, any way. 
The naygur brung up the bottles, an’ I mixed the ale meself, an’ 
shure ’twas foine. I do be always gettin’ into hot wather on ac- 
count av not knowdn’ the ways av the place, moind. Mary Ann 
says she’s disgushted wid me, but shure I niver moind what she 
says, as long as I have a good toime an’ me fatty degingeration 
av the heart is bein’ cured. The besht toimes I have is at the 
table ; the waither gerrul comes along an’ rattles off a sthring 
about the different kinds av food they have, but I niver pay no 
attinshun to her, but whin she stops for breath I say. “That’ll do ; 
that’ll do ; bring me some of each kind and the row av empty 
dishes I lave afther me is a caution ; Mary Ann says I’ll ate the 
boardin’-house keeper out av house an’ home, but I guess there’s 
no fear av it, for the rest av the gang is a lot of skinny ould 
maids, an’ they’re afeard to eat much, bekase they might get fat 
be mistake, an’ that ’ud niver do. 

The man that runs the place is an ould Yank, wid whiskers 
on him for all the world like a Gowanus billy goat ; they have a 
bar attached to the hotel, and I’m purty sure the ould goatee is 
the besht customer av it. I’m towld he gets away wid twinty- 
foive full glasses av whishkey ivery day, an’ niver thinks of even 
a sup o’ wather afther wan o’ thim. His nose is the color av the 
sun at half past six o’clock in the avenin’ whin it’s dhroppin down 
beyant the hills, an’ whin it’s pitch dark yuccan see him cornin’ a 
block away. Wan night the air reminded me so much of Gowanus, 


THE GOWAHUSIANS. 


103 


whin the wind is blowin’ up from the canal, that I asked wan o’ 
the min phwhat the cause av the disturbance was, an’ he said : Oh, 
that’s nothin’. The ould man is jusht after atin’ a small measure 
av raw red onions, an’ the onions an’ the whishkey are the rason 
phwhy the air is so perfumery like, d’ye see ?’’ 

Whin I was payin’ me boord, I sez to him, sez I, “ The next 
time you want to disturb the hotel wid wan av yer onion 
dhrunks, jusht let me know, an’ I’ll go back to Gowanus for a 
little fresh air.” The ould billy goat only laffed in me face an’ I 
felt meself gettin’ dizzy like, jusht from his breath. It was that 
sthrong that it cud knock down a Myrtle avenue Jew. 

I suppose ye’ll wondher at this letther bein’ printed like; 
well. I’ll tell yez how it is. Along wid the elasthic bells an’ the 
pianny an’ the gas gondoliers in the parlor, they haves a 
typewriter in the ofBce, an' as yez don’t know phwat it is. I’ll tell 
yez. A typewriter is a purty blue-eyed gerrul that plays on a 
funny machine wid her little hands an’ prints letters for people 
that forgot to bring their own pin an’ ink wid thim. It saves 
ye an awful lot av throuble, an’ all she charges is a dollar an’ a 
half an hour for doin’ it. I towld her to be very careful to shpell 
jusht the way I shpoke, so that ye cud undherstand the letther, 
an’ as my hour is near up, I’ll close, wid love to Maud from me- 
self an’ Mary Ann. Your old friend, 

Mary Mulgrew. 

When Maud had finished reading the letter Mrs. McBran- 
nigan gave a sigh, and as she dished the corned beef and cab- 
bage for dinner, she wondered to herself whether she would 
ever see the Catskills, and thought for the one millionth time 
of how different things might have been had she married the 
other man instead of McBrannigan. 


104 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XXV. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Goes from the Catskills to Saratoga. 

“ You’re getting very high toned, all of a sudden,’' said the 
postman, with a smile, as he handed Mrs. McBrannigan a letter 
on last Thursday morning. 

“ An’ phwhat makes ye say that ? ’’ asked Mrs. McBrannigan, 
looking at him in surprise. 

“ Why, you’re getting letters from such high-toned places; 
last week you got one from the Catskills, and this week from 
Saratoga ; you haven’t been stackin’ up against any of the 400 
lately, have you ?” 

“ Oh, no,” replied Mrs. McBrannigan, with a hearty laugh, 
unless ye count Mrs. Mulgrew in amongst the big bugs.” 

Well, if the big bugs went according to size,” said the let- 
ter-carrier, Mrs. Mulgrew would surely be a leader. So it’s from 
her the letters are coming 

Yes,” replied Mrs. McBrannigan, she wint off, herself an’ 
Mary Ann, to the Catskills lasht week, an’ I suppose she got tired 
of it, an’ moved bag and baggage off to Saratoga.” 

“ Well, I hope she has some good news for you,” said the 
postman, smiling again. Good-morning.” 

Good-mornin’,” answered Mrs., McBrannigan, as she took 
the letter and went back to the kitchen to wait for Maud to come 
down-stairs. 

When Maud came down, at 8 o’clock, her mother handed her 
the letter, and as Maud is just as much interested in Mrs. Mul- 
grew’s adventures as her mothor, she opened it at once and read 
as follows : 

Saratoga Springs, N. Y., ) 

Wednesday, August 14. j 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan : 

Since my lasht letther to ye, over a week ago, I have had the 
divil’s own time. I was injoyin’ meself very well in the Cats- 
kills, until wan day I got a bad pain in me chist. 

It kep’ gettin’ worse an’ worse ivery day, especially afther 
meals ; so I got Mary Ann to sind for the docthor. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


105 


Whin he kem he axed me siveral questions, an’ whin I towld 
him how I felt, he says, says he, Madam, ye have a bad attack 
o’ dyspepsy, from atin’ food that ye ain’t used to.” 

Well, I thought that was it, docthor,” says I, ‘‘ for I niver 
ate such stuflE at home as they give me here ; I ate nothin’ but 
the primest at home in Gowanus,” says I, but I like the place 
so much, an’ the people, that I put up wid the atin’ widout 
kickin’; but now, as long as I have the dyspepsy, I guess I’ll 
have to lave the place an’ get a change of air an’ food.” 

“ That’s jusht phwhat I was goin’ to puscribe for ye,” says 
the docthor, wid a grin. Did yez think of goin’ to Saratoga 
this summer?” 

I belave me daughther has Saratoga marked on the thrip,” 
says I. ‘‘ Do you think ’tis a good place for me to go ?” 

The besht in the wurruld,” says the docthor ; you go there 
and dhrink plinty o’ the wather an’ yer dyspepsy’ll disappear like 
a feather before a gale o’ wind.” 

“ An’ phwhy will the dhrinkin’ of wather do away wid me 
dyspepsy?” says I. 

Well,” says he, “ you’ll undherstand that thoroughly 
phwhin ye begin dhrinkin’ the wather ; the wather in Saratoga is 
pumped up from the bowels of the earth, and it has a nashty taste 
till ye get used to it, but ’pon me word, ’tis the finest thing in 
the wurruld for your complaint, an’ you’ll niver regret the day 
ye took my advice and wint to Saratoga.” 

Well, I towld Mary Ann phwhat the docthor ^said, an’ she 
agreed to start to-day ; so lasht night she packed the thrunks, an’ 
this mornin’, after breakfasht, we ped our bill an’ said good-bye to 
ivery wan an’ started for Saratoga. 

We got aboord the thrain afther ridin’ a good ph while in a 
stage, an’ rode along through the mountains on a car that seemed 
jusht ready to jump off the thrack ivery minute. 

We landed safe an’ sound near the big hotel, an’ thin we got 
into the funniest thrain o’ cars I iver saw in me life. 

The seats were slantin’ backwards, an’ phwhin I sat down I 
felt as if I was goin’ to go over on me head. I axed the conduc- 
thor if it was a sleepin’ car, an’ he laughed so much that I kem 
very near hittin’ him on the head wid me parasole. 

I soon found out that ’twas nothing more or less than a tobog- 
gan slide, runnin’ down the side o’ the mountain, an’ phwin the 
car commenced slidin’ down I got so sheared that I hollered to 
the conducthor to sthop an’ let me out, so’s I cud walk down, but 


106 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


they couldn’t slitop it, it was goin’ so faslit, an’ there I had to sit, 
wid me heart in me month, holdin’ on for dear life, until the car 
ran into a three or somethin’ at the bottom o’ the hill an’ stopped, 
so that we cud get out. 

There was nobody killed ; I don’t know how they all escaped, 
for it was the divil’s own way o’ thravelin’ the way we ran 
down that hill. 

Well, we got into another thrain thin an’ rode for another 
phwhile on a jouncey railroad, until we kem to a place phwhere 
ivery wan got out an’ piled into a stage. 

The stage took us to another station, an’ afther an hour an’ a 
half wait in a hot box of a dipot the thrain kem along that was 
to take us up to Saratoga. 

We got on board, an’ phwhin the brakeman shouted 
“ Albany ” we had to get out an’ change again, an’ I began to 
wondher if we’d iver get to Saratoga at all at all. 

We got into another car an’ had a very pleasant ride for over 
an hour, an’ finally we got to Saratoga. 

Well, phwhin we landed on the platform, there was a gang o’ 
min, wid whips in their hands, pintin’ their fingers at us an’ 
yellin’ like a lot o’ wild Indians. 

Two o’ thim got howld o’ me — a white man an’ a naygur — and 
began dhraggin’ me over to some stages. Wan was pullin’ me 
wan way an’ the other another way, till they nearly tore me 
Aton jacket off me back, so I gev the white man a crack in 
the jaw that sint him half way across the sthreet, an’ let the 
naygur help me into his stage, for he towld me he would take 
me free of charge to the besht hotel in Saratoga. 

So we dhrove off, Mary Ann an’ meself, wid the naygur, 
an’ in a few minutes he landed us at a fine hotel wid a beautiful 
pizazza, an’ naygurs be the dozhen, ready to do phwhativer ye’d 
ax thim. 

We were shown to a room, an’ afjther washin’ an’ fixin’ up a 
little we kem down an’ had supper. 

There’s as much difference bechune this hotel an’ the place 
we wor at in the Catskills as bechune day an’ night. The 
supper was grand, an’ I’m beginnin’ to feel betther already. 
Afther supper I sot on the pizazza watchin’ the people passin’ 
by, an’ I remimbered that I ought to write to ye ; so I called 
one o’ the naygurs an’ towld him to bring me pin, ink and 
paper, and phwhin he fetched thim I axed a good-natured 
lookin’ ould woman to do the writin’ fur me, an’ she says she 


THE GOWANU8IANS. 


107 


thried to make the letthers and the spellin as plain as possible, 
so’s ye’d have no throuble readin’ it. 

She gev me a lot of advice about dhrinkin’ the wathers, an’ 
I’m goin’ to start in to-morrow mornin’ to get rid o’ me 


dyspepsy. 

I’ll let ye know how I makes 
I’ll also spake of siveral things I 
meanphwhile I am, yours foriver, 


out in me next letther, an’ 
haven’t room for now. So 

Mahy Mulgrew. 


P. S. — Mary Ann joins me in love to yerself an’ the ould 
man an’ Maud an’ Jack. 


) 


108 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XXVI. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Writes Another Letter from Saratoga. 

Mrs. McBrannigan was standing at her front gate last Thurs- 
day evening at about 5.30 o’clock, shading her eyes from the 
warm rays of the sun, who seemed to be exerting himself in a 
more than usually obnoxious way. 

It was very warm, and Mrs. Brannigan’s object in standing at 
her gate was to try and get a breath of fresh air, an object which 
is not always attainable in Gowanus, especially when the breeze 
is blowing from the direction of what was once a babbling brook, 
but what is now known as the Gowanus canal. 

While she was standing there her neighbor, Mrs. O’Dooley, 
came down from the corner grocery. Of course, she paused to 
“ pass the time o’ day ” with Mrs. McBrannigan and after the 
usual remarks about the heat and the state of each other’s health, 
Mrs. O’Dooley asked pleasantly : 

Have yez heard e’er a word from Mrs. Mulgrew since she 
wint away on her summer vacation, Mrs. McBrannigan ? ’’ 

“ Troth I have,” replied Mrs. McBrannigan. “ I’ve had two 
long letthers from her, wan from the Catskills mountains, an’ 
wan from Saratogy Springs ; the lasht wan was very short, but 
she was only jusht afther arrivin’ there, an’ she said she 
felt tired an’ that she’d write again this week. I’m expectin’ a 
letther ivery day, an’ I wouldn’t be a bit surprized if it kem to- 
night.” 

“ An’ phwhat did she have to say for herself ? ” asked Mrs. 
O’Dooley, curiously. 

Oh, lots an’ lots o’ things,” replied Mrs. McBrannigan. 

Have ye a few minutes to spare? If ye have, come in, an’ I’ll 
get Maud to rade the two letthers for ye.” 

“Well, I ought to be gettin’ home to be cookin’ supper for 
the ould man an’ Tommy, but I guess I’ll stale a few minutes, 
an’ if the ould man makes a kick, I can kape him in good humor 
by tellin’ him the newses from Mrs. Mulgrew’s letthers.” 

“ A very good idaya, surely,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, with a 
laugh, as she led the way into the little front room, where Maud 


THE GOWANIJSIANS. 


109 


was sitting reading a novel which she had borrowed the da}^ be- 
fore from Ethel McSniflSgan, who had recommended it as being 
just too lovely for anything.” 

Maud was in the middle of an exciting chapter, and she was 
somewhat put out when her mother asked her to get Mrs. Mul- 
grew’s letters and read them over for Mrs. O’Dooley, but, being 
a dutiful daughter, she laid the novel aside for a few minutes 
and was soon busy reading the letter Mrs. Mulgrew had written 
from Haines Falls three weeks before. 

When she had finished it, after many interruptions by Mrs. 
O’Dooley, who had to have some of the words explained for her, 
she started to read the other letter, which amused Mrs. O’Dooley 
and her mother so much that Maud was obliged to pause several 
times until their boisterous mirth had subsided somewhat, so that 
she could proceed. 

Just as she was finishing it, the familiar whistle of the post- 
man sounded outside the door. Mrs. McBrannigan rushed out, 
and received from the smiling letter-carrier an envelope, the ex- 
act counterpart of the one which had enclosed the letter wdiich 
Maud was then engaged in reading. 

She ran back into the room with a 6 x 9 smile illuminating 
her features, and, waving the missive above her head, shouted : 
‘‘Three cheers for Mrs. Mulgrew, that don’t forget her ould 
frinds phwhin she’s off havin’ a good time! Here’s another 
letther from her, an’ ye may as well stay an’ listen to it as you’re 
here, Mrs. O’Dooley ; here, Maud, open that, an’ let us hear 
phwhat the good lady has been doin’ up in Saratogy since lasht 
week.” 

Maud opened the letter in a jiffy, and then, assuming Mrs. 
Mulgrew’s voice as nearly as she could (which piece of mimicry 
nearly put Mrs. O’Dooley into spasms), read as follows : 

Saratoga Springs, N. Y., ) 
August 21. ) 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — I was obliged, as ye know, to 
cut off me lasht letther very short bekase I had jusht arrived here 
an’ was feelin’ very tired, but now I’m feelin’ as young an’ fresh 
as a 2 year old, an’ phwin I tell ye the cause of it all, ye’ll scarcely 
belave it, I know. 

It’s nothin’ more or less than wather. 

I can hear yez laughin’ at the iday o’ me dhrinkin’ wather, but 


110 


THE GOWANUSIAN8. 


’tis the Iionesht truth. I haven’t touched a glass o’ mixed ale in 
a week. 

But I musht explain that the wather here is intirely different 
to the wather yez have to dhrink in Brooklyn. 

Ye can’t dhraw it from a tap, the same as ye do at home — 
the dhrinkin’ wather, I mane; but ye have to walk a couple o’ 
blocks to a shpring, ph where they do have little boys dippin’ it 
out be the glass from a fish-pond in the middle o’ the flure. 

I’ll niver forget the first morning’ I dhrank the wather. 

I got up bright an’ early, long before Mary Ann was awake, 
an’ dressed meself, an’ started off down the stlireet that they call 
Broadway, till I kem to the first corner, an’ I axed a policeman 
to show me the way to Hawthorn Spring, that bein’ the wan the 
nice ould lady that wrote me lasht letther for me had recom- 
minded me to use. 

Well, the policeman brought me down the sthreet a few steps 
an’ left me in front of a big glass windy, wid as purty a lookin’ 
gerrul sittin’ behind it as I iver laid eyes on. 

“ I want to buy a few glasses o’ yer wather,” says I. “ IIow 
much is it a glass ? ” 

Oh,” says she, smilin’ as polite as ye plaze, “ ’tis foi ve cints to 
to go in, an’ yez can sit down at yer aise, an’ dhrink as many 
glasses as ye like ; the boys’ll bring it to ye aither hot or cowld.” 

‘‘ How many glasses do you think would I need to dhrink to 
cure me o’ the dyspepsy? ” says I. 

“ Oh, I dunno,” says she, sizin’ me up wid her purty, laughin’ 
eyes ; “ some dhrinks more an’ some less, but the wather won’t 
do ye a bit o’ harrum, no matther how much ye dhrink of it ; 
dhrink yer fill an’ get the worth o’ yer money.”' 

I thanked her for the advice, an’ passed in an’ sat down. 

Then I called wan o’ the boys an’ towld him to bring me a 
few glasses o’ the wather. He brought me wan glass, an’ says he, 
“ Phwhin ye have that dhrank up I’ll bring ye more ; wan glass 
at a time is all we give.” 

Begorra, phwin I took the first sup o’ the wather I began to 
think I wouldn’t need any more, for the horrid taste it had gev 
me a pain in the upper lip. 

Ye remimber the foine shniell the hawthorn bushes used to 
have in Ireland, an’ how swate the haws were ? Well, the Haw- 
thorn wather was no more like thim than chalk is like cheese. I 
don’t undhersthand phwhy they thry to fool people be givin’ 
things a name that has no resimblance to the things at all. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Ill 


I spoke to a little ould man that was sittin’ at the other side 
o’ the table from me about it, an’ he burst out into a laugh. “ I 
see this is yer first visit to the shpring,” says he. “ It is,’’ says 
I, “an’ I’m thinkin’ ’twill be me lash t, bekase I don’t like the 
wather at all at all.” 

Well, he began to explain to me about it ; how the wather 
was mixed up away down in the middle o’ the earth wid all kinds 
o’ good medicine, an’ that’s what med it taste so salty an’ quare 
like, an’ he praised the virtues o’ the wather so much that I 
shwallowed down the whole glassful widout shtoppin’ for 
breath. 

Thin I called for more, an’ be the time I had four glasses 
taken, I began to like the tashte of it, an’ I kep on callin’ the boy to 
fill me glass, until I had put down siven or eight tumblerfuls. I 
would have kep on dhrinkin’ but the little ould man towld me he 
thought I had enough for the first thrip, so I gev the wather boy 
tin cints for his throuble, an’ afther bowin’ to the pretty little 
gerrul behind the deshk, I wint back to the hotel. 

Well, I needn’t remark that me dyspepsy disappeared intirely 
in a very short time, an’ it hasn’t been back since. 

I tell ye, Mrs. McBrannigan, I’ve shwallied pusscripshuns, an’ 
little liver pills, and New Rochelle salts, but I musht say that the 
Saratoga wather bates thim all. 

I’m shtoppin’ at a fine hotel on Broadway, the chief sthreet 
of the town of Saratoga ; they have gas, an’ runnin’ wather, an’ 
elashtic bells in every room, an’ naygurs all over the place. 

The only throuble we had at the start was wid the meals ; we 
had to wait the devil’s own phwhile for our vittals, afther givin’ 
our orthers, an’ ivery wan else at the table was done atin’ before 
we wor half through. 

I axed the nice little woman phw^hy this was, an’ says she, 
“Did ye see the head waither ? ” “I saw him as we kem in,” 
says I, “ for he showed us to our seats.” “ Well,’’ says she, “ I’d 
advise ye to see him as you go out, an’ if ye do it right, yez’ll 
have no more trouble.’’ Well, for wanst in me life I caught on, 
as the boys in Gowanus say, an’ as I was goin out I slipped three 
silver dollars into his black fisht, an’ iver since they have such 
bowin’ an’ schrapin’ wid me that I feel as if I was the quane of 
Africa, an’ the meals are brought in as fasht as we can tell them 
phwhat we want. 

We like this place so much that I think we’ll stay a phwhile 
longer. There is a good many things here that I haven’t towld 


112 


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ye about, an’ if I have time, I may write ye another letther 
before I lave here. 

Letther writin’ is very expinsive here ; I’m havin’ this done 
be a female typewriter gerrul that charges a dollar an’ a half an’ 
hour for her work, an’ she says if I want any more don^ she’ll 
have to charge me a dollar siventy-foive, on account o’ me bein’ 
particular about the shpellin’ o’ me words, bekase I wants yez to 
feel phwhin yez are radin’ the letther as if I was talkin’ to ye 
meself. 

I musht close now, wid love to yerself an’ all the neighbors, 
not forgettin’ Mrs. O’Dooley. 

Your friend, always, 

Mary Mulgrew. 

Just as Maud finished reading the letter the 6 o’clock whistle 
blew and Mrs. O’Dooley, gathering up her groceries in a hurry, 
bade Mrs. McBrannigan a hasty good-evening, explaining that 
there would be the “ divil to pay ” if she didn’t have her hus- 
band’s supper ready on time. 

When she had gone, Mrs. McBrannigan got Maud to read the 
letter over again and laughed even more heartily than she did 
when she heard it for the first time, declaring that it did her 
more good to hear of Mrs. Mulgrew’s adventures than the trip 
would have done had she taken it herself. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


113 


CHAPTER XXVII. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Goes from Saratoga to Asbury Park. 

Mrs. McBrannigaii was quite disappointed when the postman 
passed her house on Thursday evening without leaving her a let- 
ter ; she was up early on Friday morning, however, watching for 
him, and when she saw him passing on the other side of the street 
without even looking at her, her surprise and indignation knew 
no bounds. 

As soon as breakfast was over she put on her bonnet and 
shawl and went down to the station from which the Gowanus 
letters are distributed, and had an interview with the Chester- 
fieldian superintendent, demanding to know the reason why her 
regular weekly letter from Mrs. Mulgrew had not been 
delivered. 

The genial captain assured her that no letter had been received 
at the office directed to her, or she would have received it in the 
ordinary course of business ; he told her also that, owing to the 
heavy rains in different parts of the country, the mails had been 
delayed considerably, and that that was probably the reason why 
she had not received Mrs. Mulgrew’s letter at the usual time. 

Mrs. McBrannigan was forced to be content with this expla- 
nation, though she had half a notion that some post-office clerk 
had stolen the precious missive and was at that moment reveling 
in a perusal of its interesting pages. 

She went home, and although she was kept busy with her 
household duties all day, she could not keep her mind ofi the ex- 
pected letter, and when at 5.30 in the evening, she heard the wel- 
come whistle of the postman, she gave a jump and ran to the door, 
opening it so quickly that she almost scared the life out of the 
gray-coated representative of Uncle Sam. 

He handed her a letter with a different envelope from the last 
one she had received, but in spite of that Mrs. McBrannigan knew 
it was from Mrs. Mulgrew, and she thanked the postman profusely 
for bringing it to her, even though it was a little late. 

She placed the letter on the table near Maud’s plate and looked 
at it and turned it over fifty times before Maud came in, and be- 
8 


114 


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fore Maud had a chance to see whether her hair was in order after 
taking off her hat, her mother handed her the letter and asked her 
to hurry up and read it. 

Maud told her mother she ought to be better able to restrain 
her curiosity, and then, after a few preliminary hems and haws, 
she opened and read the letter, which ran as follows : 

Asbury Park, N. J., ) 

Thursday, August 28. ( 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — I suppose yez’ll be sui-prized to 
find that I am no longer in Saratoga, but there’s always an ind to 
all good things, an’ my sthay in Saratoga was cut short be the same 
throuble that forced me to lave the Catskill mountains. That is, 
not exactly the same throuble, but the same reason. A few days 
ago, whin I was feelin’ tip top, no dyspepsy or nothing, able to 
ate anything that was put forninst me an’ at peace wid the whole 
world, it comminced to rain. As soon as it began to rain I began 
to have pains in all me bones ; I was laid on the broad o’ me back 
for two whole days, an’ phwhin I cud stand the pain no longer I 
towld Mary Ann to sind for a docthor right off. 

Phwhin he kem in he examined me, an’ phwhin I towld him 
how I felt, he says, says he, Madam, ’tis the rheumatism ye have, 
an’ purty bad too. I’d advise ye to lave Saratoga as soon as ye 
can, an’ go to some seaside place where ye can injoy the salt say 
breezes an’ take a dip in the ocean ivery day.” 

He also advised me to take a supply of good ph whiskey along 
an’ take a little of it before goin’ into the wather, an’ a little afther 
cornin’ out, so’s I wouldn’t catch cowld. 

I ped him |5 for the advice, and towld Mary Ann to pack up 
iverything, bekase we’d have to be lavin’ in the mornin’ for As- 
bury Park. She was a little put out at first, bekase there was a 
young chap up there that was beginnin’ to be very attintive to 
her, and she didn’t like to lave him so suddent like ; but I put me 
fut down, and insisted that I wasn’t going to stay there wid me 
bones full o’ rheumatism, just for the sake of a whipper shnapper 
of a dude that happened to take a fancy to her, so she didn’t 
make any more fuss over it, but packed the thrunks as mild as 
ye plaze, an’ we left there the very next day. 

We got to Asbury Park last Friday avenin’ an’ settled our- 
selves in a hotel near the beach, so that I wouldn’t have far to 
walk to take me bath. 

The hotel is very nice ; it is run be an old lady with phwhite 


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115 





Mrs. Mulgrew and Mart Ann at Asburt Park. 


116 


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hair, assisted be a young la la of a clerk, that’s great for makin’ 
eyes at the young gerruls. He caught on to Mary Ann the very first 
night we arrived here, an’ towld her he was an’ acthor man durin’ 
the winther, an’ was jusiit workin’ as a hotel clerk durin’ the 
summer for amusement an’ exercise, an’ bekase he liked to study 
the different caricatures that shtopped at the hotel. 

Phwhin it comes to handlin’ a crowd, he’s phwhat the boys 
over in Go wan us calls a jim dandy. Lasht Sathurday night a big 
gang o’ people kem down from Hew York to spind Sunday here, 
an’ the way that young man hustled around an’ packed the people 
away was a caution. He changed iverybody around like they do 
in a game o’ checkers, an’ managed to put three hundherd an’ 
twinty-five people in a hotel that’s only supposed to hold two 
hundherd an’ thirty. He thried to palaver me into given’ up me 
room that has two fine double beds, wan for meself an’ wan for 
Mary Ann, an’ thried to persuade me into takin’ a skimpy hall 
bedroom wid wan bed, that wouldn’t be half big enough to 
howld meself, let alone Mary Ann ; but I gev him a piece o’ me 
mind, an’ towld him I wouldn’t budge if he brought in a derrick 
an’ a pair o’ horses, so he wint off and played football wid a Ger- 
man professor that’s stoppin’ here. He took away his room from 
him, an’ put four college boys into it, an’ made the professor slape 
on a cot out on wan o’ the pizzazzas. 

They do have hops at all the big hotels here ivery Sathurday 
night ; dancing hops, I mane, the same as I towld ye we had in 
Haines Falls, an’ ivery wan seems to enjoy thimselves very 
much. 

The great dhrawback, av coorse, is the scarcity of young min. 
There’s thousands of lovely young gurruls here beautifully 
dhressed, but there’s only wan partner to about ivery eight or tin 
o’ them, an’ the most o’ thim is nothin’ but young college boys, 
spindin’ their vacation an’ their parents’ money; havin’ a good 
time. 

There’s a young widow woman at one o’ the hotels here that 
shook things up a little bit wan day lasht week. She went out on the 
boord sidewalk promenadin’ wid a very fancy light blue silk 
bathin’ suit on, an’ made as big a sinsation as Barnum’s circus 
wud. 

Some o’ the hotels here would remind ye of an ould ladies’ 
home, there’s so many old gizabos sitting around on the pizzaz- 
zas ; ’tis a great wondher to me that they don’t all blow away whin 
there’s a stlirong wind, they’re so thin and miserable lookin’. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


117 


The good-lookin’ hotel clerk is writin’ this for me, and as he 
is not used to hard work, I won’t impose on him any longer, but 
will reserve the rest o’ the news about the bathin’ an’ so on, till 
me next letther. 


Yours, foriver, 


Mary Mulgrew. 


118 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XXVIII. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Writes Again from Bradley’s Balliwick. 

All of the letters written by Mrs. Mulgrew to her neighbor, 
Mrs. McBrannigan, so far, have arrived either on Thursday or 
Friday. Therefore Mrs. McBrannigan received quite a shock when 
she heard the postman’s whistle at the front door while she was 
in the midst of her ironing on Wednesday afternoon. 

She was at work on a white skirt of Maud’s, and was taking 
extra pains with it, as Maud was to wear it that evening on a trip 
with Jack to Ulmer Park, a picnicking place on the shore of 
Gravesend bay, near the picturesque suburb, Bensonhurst by the 
Sea, sewers, etc., where the flowers in the front grass plots keep 
on growing by night as well as day, mistaking the glare of the 
numerous gas lamps for the light of the sun. 

When Mrs. McBrannigan heard the letter-carrier’s whistle, 
she released her hold on the iron, leaving it in the middle of 
Maud’s lovely white skirt, and running to the door received from 
the smart-looking official two letters, which she carried back in 
triumph to the kitchen. 

Her exultation was short lived, however, for the odor of 
burning cloth assailed her nostrils, and with a hop, skip and jump 
she landed over against the table and lifted the hot iron from 
the skirt with her bare hand, but was immediately compelled to 
drop it on the floor, where it narrowly escaped putting an end to 
the existence of a young kitten, which was the only survivor of a 
large and more or less interesting family with which the old cat 
had surprised the McBrannigans a few days before. 

Mrs. McBrannigan surveyed the large brown spot on the snowy 
muslin, and reproached herself bitterly for her carelessness, after 
the manner of a certain class of Irish people who never seem to 
be happier than when they are engaged in the pastime of abusing 
themselves to themselves. 

‘^Bad cess to me curiosity, anyway, ’tis a wondher an ould 
woman like me wouldn’t have betther sinse than do a thing like 
that ; begorra, I think I’m gettin’ soft in me upper story. The 
idaya of lavin’ the iron down on the beautiful white skirt be mis. 


THE GOWANIJSIANS. 


119 


take, in me hurry to run to the dure for an ould letther ! They 
say curiosty killed a cat wanst. W ell it didn’t do it that time, but 
it kem mighty near puttin’ an ind to the poor kittin,” said Mrs. 
McBrannigan, as she stooped over the frightened little 
animal, and lifted the iron — this time with the assistance of a 
holder — and placed it on the stove. 

She then proceeded to examine the burn on the skirt, and 
finding that it was not as bad as she at first supposed, took 
another iron from the stove and continued smoothing out the 
tucks and embroidery with which the article was ornamented, 
consoling herself with the thought that the mark was on the 
upper part of the skirt, where it wouldn’t be likely to show unless 
it happened to rain, and that Maud might be compelled to tuck 
up her outside skirt to save it from the wet, and as it was a very 
fine evening, there didn’t seem to be the least reason for fearing 
that any of the neighbors, or any one else except herself and 
Maud, would know of the damage done through her curiosity and 
carlessness. 

When Maud came down-stairs before supper, her mother ex- 
plained how the accident had happened, and instead of being 
put out, as Mrs. McBrannigan expected she would be, Maud only 
smiled as her mother handed her the two letters. 

When she saw the handwriting on the top letter, Maud 
blushed slightly and thrust the letter into her pocket for perusal 
later on ; and when Mrs. McBrannigan saw this, she smiled to 
herself, but like a good, discreet mother said nothing about it, 
knowing it was probably a message from Jack, and consequently, 
of no importance to her. 

Maud immediately broke the seal of the other letter, which 
was postmarked Asbury Park, and read as follows : 

Asbury Park, N. J., 1 
Sept. 2. ) 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — I have been having a most de- 
lightfully illegant time down here for the past two weeks, an’ I 
only wish ye cud be here to see me sportin’ around. 

Ivery woman here, young, ould an’ middle-aged, has a pair 
o’ phwhite shoes for walkin’ on the boord walk, an’ lasht week I 
med up me mind that I’d have to have a pair to be in the shwim. 
I don’t mane to wear in the wather, ye know, but to be in shtyle 
wid the resht o’ thim. 

Mary Ann objected, of coorse to me havin’ thim, but I don’t 


120 


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mind her sass any more at all. I find I have betther fun be 
folly in’ me own wishes in everything, so I got into the throlley 
car at the corner, an’ rode up to the village to look for a shoe 
store, to buy meself a pair o’ phwhte shoes. 

Well, I had the hardest time thryin’ to buy thim shoes ; none 
o’ the stores had a size to fit me, an’ I was jusht beginnin’ to 
think I’d have to do without thim, when I kem across a lit- 
tle store kep’ be a shmall-sized sawed-off sheeny. 

He thried to squeeze me fut into a shoe a couple of sizes too 
small, but it was no go, an’ finally he was obliged to tell me. that 
there wasn’t a shoe to fit me in the whole of Asbury Park, 
but if I wud only wait for a day or so he would sind for a pair 
to New York for me. 

I says All right,” an’ the next day the shoes arrived, and 1 
put thim on, an’ I haven’t took thim off iver sinse except phwin 
I’m goin’ in bathin’, or to bed, of coorse. 

I’ve had the greatest fun in bathin’ I iver had in me life. Ye 
remimber the docthor in Saratoga recomminded me to take along 
a supply of good phwhiskey, an’ to take a little before goin’ into 
the wather, an’ a little afther cornin’ out ; well. I'm follyin’ his 
insthructions splindidly, although it is very bothersome dhressin’ 
an’ undhressin’ so often ; ye see in ordher to profit thoroughly be 
the docthor’s advice, I take six or siven baths ivery day. 

Me medicine ran out wan day lasht week, unknownst to me, an 
I had to sind to the ould man for a few bottles o’ the besht ould rye. 
Ye can’t get any of it for love or money; I borryed a dhrink from an 
ould Yankee la(^ stoppin’ here, the night mine gev out, but it was 
such poor stuff that it med me sick. It was wake as a cat. 
Shure I suppose the poor old dhried up crayther isn’t used to 
anything more powerful, an’ phwhin’ I paid her back the dhrink 
I borryed from her I made sure to wather it well, so it wudn’t 
harm her, an’ even thin she complained to me that it was the 
sthrongest stuff she iver put into her stomach. 

I had to stop takin’ me baths for two days on account of not 
havin’ any phwiskey to take before an’ afther, but I made up the 
the last few days by takin’ an extra allowance. 

. A party of us wintdown to Ocean Grove wan day lasht week 
to see the camp meetin.’ Begorra, ’twas the greatest sight I iver 
laid my eyes on. Thousands of people listinin’ to wan old man 
preachin’ away, swingin’ his arms around and shoutin’ to thim all 
to come up an’ git saved. 

An’ ould duck wid a long pair o’ whiskers kem up tome an’ says 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


121 


he, “Sister, don’t ye want to get saved “ I’m no sister oi yon 
or any one like ye,” says I, “ an’ I don’t want to get saved aitlier ; 
I’ll be damned first. If hivin is going’ to be filled wid billy 
goats like you,’’ says I, “I want to go somewhere else.” 

I kem near breakin’ up the meetin’ wid me speech. I musht 
have spoken purty loud, for all the people forgot about gittin’ 
saved an’ gathered around to listen to phwhat I was sayin.’ 

Phwin I saw that, I left the place, bekase I didn’t want to 
disturb thira ; but before I left the billy goat asked the gang to 
pray for the errin’ sister, meanin’ me, I suppose ; but whin they 
prayed they did nothin’ but stoop their heads. Divil a wan 
o’ thim knelt down, for fear of spoilin’ their Sunday go-to-meet- 
in’ clothes ; I suppose so, I’m in doubts whether the prayin’ was 
of much account. 

There is a lively young Irish- American gerrul from Yonkers 
stoppin’ here, an’ ’tis she that’s writin’ this for me, but she says she 
has a date wid a Philadelphia dude to sit on the bench an’ hould 
hands undher an umbrella this afternoon, so I’ll have to shtop. 
As usual and always, 

Yours foriver, 

Mary Mulgrew. 


122 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTEE XXIX. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Moves from Asbury Park to Far Eockaway. 

Mr. McBrannigan was sitting out in the back yard, smoking 
his pipe and enjoying the fresh September breezes which were 
being wafted through his County Antrim whiskers, on last Thurs- 
day evening after supper, while his wife was busily engaged in 
tidying up the kitchen and thinking of the line time her neigh- 
bor, Mrs. Mulgrew, was having down at Asbury Park, or Ash' 
barrel Park,” as Mr. McBrannigan persisted in calling it. 

Maud was up-stairs fixing up a little in anticipation of a visit 
from Jack, and faint echoes of I Long to See the Girl I Left 
Behind,” the latest thing in the popular song line, and snatches of 
the ‘‘Washington Post,” the newest thing in dance music, 
came through the shutters of Maud’s boudoir, which is in the rear 
of the house, directly above the spot where her father was sitting. 

When Mrs. McBrannigan had finished her household duties 
she came out and sat on the kitchen steps, and, after saying nothing 
for a long time, she finally remarked : 

“ Isn’t it a great wondher intirely that I haven’t recaved any 
word from Mrs. Mulgrew this week. Here it is Thursda’ avenin’, 
an’ no letther from her yet. She musht be havin’ such a good 
time down at the sayshore that she’s forgotten all about her ould 
frinds. Dear me ! if we only owned a saloon, mebbe we could be 
spindin the summer at Saratoga, an’ the Catskill mountains, an’ 
Asbury Park, an’ all thim places, jusht as well as Mrs. Mulgrew 
an’ Mary Ann.” 

Mr. McBrannigan took his pipe from his mouth, spat over on 
the flower bed, and, afther looking at his wife for several seconds, 
said slowly : 

“ Faith, ’tis betther for ye, a good dale, to stay phwhere ye 
are ; not to be makin’ a laffin’ shtock o’ yerself goin’ phwhere ye 
have no business ; I’d be long sorry to see ye paradin’ on a boord 
walk wid a pair o’ ph white shoes on yer feet, an’ a twisht in yer 
dacent, honesht face like a baboon’s smile, thryin’ to look like the 
other jackasses that mebbe aren’t half as good as ye are yerself. 
No, indade, Mrs. McBrannigan, ye are betther off home, here in 


THE G0WANU8IANS. 


123 


Gowanus, phwhere you’re not ashamed to look ivery wan ye meet 
square in the eye. That’s my opinion o’ the whole business ; ye 
can take it or lave it, jusht as ye plaze.” 

Mr. McBrannigan replaced his pipe between his teeth and 
pulled hard and quickly, sending great clouds of smoke into the 
air to add emphasis to his speech. 

Mrs. McBrannigan, being of a peaceable nature, did not make 
any reply to her husband, for fear of bringing on an argument, 
but she argued the matter over in her own mind, and came to 
her original conclusion, which was to the effect that it would be 
a mighty pleasant thing to shake the dust of Gowanus from her 
feet lor a few weeks and enjoy the refreshing breezes of the 
seashore or the mountains, untainted as they are with the very 
unexhilarating odors of the Gowanus canal. 

While she was thinking, her husband gave a sudden jump and 
began searching through all his pockets. She watched him with 
a good deal of interest, until finally he produced from his inside 
coat pocket a crumpled letter, which he handed to her with an 
apologetic smile. 

“Ye musht excuse me for forgettin’ this,” he said ; ‘‘I was 
standin’ at the gate lasht avenin’ as the postman passed, an’ he 
handed it to me, tellin’ me to be sure an’ give it to ye, as he didn’t 
want ye to be goin’ down reportin’ him to Captain Conlin, the 
postmasther, for failin’ to deliver it. I put it in me pocket and 
niver thought of it till just now.” 

“ Bad cess to ye for an old omadhaum, anyway,” said Mrs. 
McBrannigan, snatching the letter from her husband’s hand, 
“ havin’ me sittin’ here abusin’ me frind Mrs. Mulgrew, for not 
writin’ to me, and havin’ the letther in yer pocket all the time ; 
yer enough to thry the patience of a saint, so ye are.’’ 

Mr. McBrannigan only laughed at this outbreak on the part 
of his wife ; he knew she didn’t mean anything by it and he con- 
tinued smoking his pipe, with a contented smile on his face, 
which seemed in imminent danger of running over and getting 
lost among the County Antrim whiskers. 

Just then there was a knock at the front door, and Mrs. Mc- 
Brannigan, swallowing her wrath and putting on her society 
smile, went to open it. 

In a few minutes she returned followed by Jack O’Flynn, 
who reached over and shook hands with Mr. McBrannigan in a 
very hearty manner, remarking at the same time upon the delight- 
fulness of the weather, and so on. 


124 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


While this was going on, Mrs. McBrannigan was busy tearing 
open her letter, and when Mr. McBrannigan and Mr. O’Flynn 
had finished their discussion of the weather, she turned to Jack 
and said, persuasively : 

“ Now, Jack, Maud is busy titivatin’ herself, an’ she won’t 
be down for ten minutes, an’ whin she does come down she’ll be 
in such a huiTy to go out that she won’t have the time to rade 
this letther, an’ tis jusht dyin’ wid curiosity I am to know phwhat 
Mrs. Mulgrew has to say for herself this time. Now, wud ye 
have the goodness to look this letther over an’ tell me phwhat’s 
in it ? Maud can rade it over agin for me to-morrow, an’ I’ll 
enjoy it all the more thin, because she has a way of takin’ off 
Mrs. Mulgrew’s voice to perfection, but I want to knowhow she’s 
behavin’ herself, an’ phwhat she’s been doin’ for the pasht 
week? ” 

Mrs. McBrannigan handed the letter to Jack, who, in a firm, 
clear voice, read as follows (though he was thoroughly unconscious 
of the fact that Maud was looking down at him from her window 
above, and was drinking in every word with as much avidity as 
her mother and father in the yard below) : 

Far Rockaway, L. I., September 10. 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — Here I am, safe an’ sound, within 
a few miles of home, an’ as happy as a clam at high tide. 

I suppose ye have heerd tell of Far Rockaway ; ’tis a summer 
place, somethin’ on the style of Asbury Park, only not near so 
high toned. 

Some people calls it the Irish Saratoga, an’ to tell the truth 
’tis a good nickname, for there’s the finest collection of Irish 
people here I iver met, an’ if it wasn’t for the sprinklin’ of Jews 
here it would be a regular Irish paradise. 

Mary Ann doesn’t like it a bit ; she say’s it’s too common, but 
it suits me thoroughly, an’ I don’t mind phwhat she says at all. 

It was mostly on Mary Ann’s account that I left Asbury 
Park. I was afeard she was gettin’ demoralized intirely from goin’ 
wid thim dudes that’s so plintiful down there. 

Wan day, about a week ago, phwdle I was on the beach in me 
bathin’ suit, talkin’ to Mary Ann, a dude kem along that she 
knew, an’ he sat down on the sand beside her an’ comminced 
talkin’ to her, an’ afther a little phwhile they comminced playin’ 
an’ throwin’ sand down wan another’s backs, an’ carryin’ on in a 
way that didn’t plaze me a bit. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


125 


I turned round an’ I began to notice the shtyle o’ the young 
dude, an’ all of a sudden I saw he had a red garter ‘fastened 
around wan of his arums. 

I recognized it at wanst as wan of Mary Ann’s that she wears 
wid her red dhress an’ red shtockin’s an’ slippers at the hops, an’ 
sez I, Young man, phwhere did ye get that garter that yez are 
wearin’ so brave on yer arum ? 

He turned about eighteen different shades of red, ivery wan 
redder than the garter itself, an’ began to stutther out somethin’ 
about havin’ found it, an’ so on, but that didn’t go down wid me. 
“ Yer a liar ! ” sez I, an’ I made a grab, an’ before ye cud say 
Jack Hobinson, I had the garter in me hand, safe an’ sound. 

“ Now, be off wid yerself,’’ sez I, an’ go into the wather an’ 
wash yerself, for I’m thinking’ ye need it. I have somethin’ to say 
to me daughter here that’s not for ye to hear.” 

Well, he wint off, an’ thin I began to question Mary Ann ; 
she was as mad as a hatter at the way I thrated her young man. 

Maw,” sez she, ‘‘ you don’t undherstand Asbury Park fads ; that’s 
the latest style. I gev the young man wan o’ my garters to wear 
on his arum, bekase he’s my stiddy company for this week, do ye 
see? I gev it to him of me own free will, niver fear; ivery 
gerrul down here that has a fellow does the very same thing ; ye 
can see thim all over the beach.” Well, sure enough, whin I 
looked around, ivery young man in the neighborhood had on a 
garter or a piece o’ ribbon tied to his arum, an’ I saw that I was 
a little hasty in doin’ as I did. I was quite relieved whin I found 
how he kem by the garter, but I don’t approve o’ thim kind o’ 
goin’s on, so I towld Mary Ann that the besht thing we cud do 
was to emigrate to Far Rockaway, phwhere they don’t have such 
Yankeefied thricks; so a couple o’ days later we left Asbury Park 
an’ late the same evenin’ we landed here. 

The hotel is very nice here, but they have the same thrick of 
thryin’ to stuff four or five people in a room that was only meant 
for wan, as they had in Asbury Park. 

I took two rooms, wan for meself an’ wan for Mary Ann ; 
they were a little crowded here on Sathurda’ night, an’, of coorse, 
we bein’ sthrangers, they thried to impose on us by puttin’ some 
o’ the fly-be-nights in our rooms ; but they met their match phwin 
they shtacked up against me I tell ye. Widout as much as “ by 
yer lave,” they put some people into our rooms durin’ the afther- 
noon, an’ phwhin I wint up-stairs afther supper I found a lot o’ 
sthrange clothes hangin’ in my closet. 


126 


THE GOWANTJSIANS. 


I didn’t say a word, but jusbt landed the clothes all out on 
top of a'thrunk in the hallway and locked the dure. 

I wint to bed about eleven o’clock, an’ about half pasht twelve 
I heard some wan poundin’ on the dure for admittance, but I 
niver pretinded to hear it, and afther near bushtin’ the dure in, 
they wint away an’ imposed on some poor fool that didn’t know 
as much as I do about the thricks o’ these landlords, who have a 
way o’ gettin’ iverything they can out o’ ye, an’ givin’ as little as 
possible in exchange. 

I do have some fine chats wid some o’ the old ladies here, an’ 
wan o’ thim that’s very nice to me is writin’ this to you for me. 
She’s gettin’ very tired now, an’ besides it’s time for me to be 
goin’ across the little ferry to the bathin’ beach to have me bath, 
so wid love to yerself an’ all the neighbors, I remain, 
the same ould two an’ sixpence, 

Mary Mulgrew. 

Just as Jack was finishing the letter, Maud appeared in the 
doorway dressed for the street, so bidding the old folks good 
night she and Jack went out for a walk, leaving Mr. and Mrs. 
McBrannigan to discuss the news contained in the letter, to their 
heart’s content. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


127 


CHAPTER XXX. 

Mrs. Mulgrew Returns to Gowanus from Her Summer 
Vacation. 

Well, Maud, did ye see or hear anything new or interestin’ 
on yer thravels to-day ? ” asked Mrs. McBrannigan, as her pretty, 
rosy-cheeked daughter bounced into the house late on Wednes- 
day afternoon, carrying several parcels containing household 
necessities which she had purchased at the neighboring stores. 

“ Yes, indeed I did,” said Maud, as she removed her sailor 
hat and arranged the tangles of her curly brown hair in some- 
thing like order; saw and heard something that will give you 
a very pleasant surprise.” 

Anybody dead, or married, or any new arrivals ? ” queried 
Mrs. McBrannigan, looking at Maud anxiously. 

No ; you’re away off your trolley, as the song goes,” answered 
Maud, with a roguish twinkle in her eye. “ Guess again.” 

^‘I’m a poor hand at guessin’, ye know,” said Mrs. McBran- 
nigan ; ‘‘ an’ if yer news isn’t any o’ the things I spoke of, thin 
I’ll have to give it up.” 

Well,’’ said Maud, won’t tease you any longer about it, 
but as I was going up the street I saw an express wagon leaving 
two trunks at Mulgrew’s, and I met Ethel McSniffigan in the 
grocery store, and she told me she saw Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary 
Ann going into the house about two o’clock, so I guess they must 
have arrived home from the country at last.” 

“ Glory be to goodness, but ’tis time for thirn to get back,” 
said Mrs. McBrannigan, quickly. “ Afther supper, whin Jack 
comes. I’ll lave yez to mind the house, ph while I take a run over 
to see Mrs. Mulgrew, to find out how she’s feelin’ afther her 
summer’s spott.” 

‘‘ All right,” said Maud. ^‘I guess we’ll manage to get along 
without you for a while. Jack is very fond of you, I know, but 
I guess he won’t object to being left alone with me for an hour 
or two ; the change ’ll do him good, I think, because he might 
get tired of you if he saw too much of you.” 

Stop yer foolin’ an’ come an’ set the table for the supper,” 


128 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


said Mrs. McBrannigan, and Maud, like an obedient girl, bustled 
about and soon had everything in readiness for the evening meal. 

After supper Mr. McBrannigan went out, and Maud went up- 
stairs to dress herself, so as to look as pretty as possible when 
Jack arrived on his semi-weekly call. 

She was just putting the finishing touches to her toilet when 
a knock on the door warned her of Jack’s arrival. She took one 
last glance at herself in the looking-glass and hurried down-stairs 
to open the door. 

Of course it was Jack. He walked in and sat down in the 
front room, and he and Maud were soon engaged in a pleasant 
conversation, which was interrupted shortly afterward by the 
appearance, of Maud’s mother, who announced her intention of 
going out to pay a visit to Mrs. Mulgrew. 

^le threw her old plaid shawl around her shoulders, and, tell- 
ing Jack not to be lonesome, started out on her way to Mulgrew’s. 

She met Mary Ann at the door of the Mulgrew mansion, and 
in response to Mrs. McBrannigan’s question she said her mother 
was up-stairs, and that Mrs. McBrannigan could go right up and 
she would find her in the front room as large as life. 

Mrs. McBrannigan did as she was directed, and in a few 
moments she was shaking hands with her old friend, who was 
busy taking the clothes out of the two large trunks, hanging the 
dresses in closets and throwing the soiled clothes to one side on 
the fioor. 

“ Oh, musha, Mrs. McBrannigan, ’tis glad I am to lay eyes on 
yer face once more ; an’ how is ivery tether length o’ ye ? ” said 
Mrs. Mulgrew, effusively. Ye musht excuse me appearance, for 
I’m over me head an’ ears in work, thryin’ to sort out our clothes ; 
I’ll have to hire a washwoman for a week to get all these things 
claned ; jusht look at that pile o’ dirty garments that ain’t hardly 
soiled wan bit ; but bekase Mary Ann is so exthravagant in the 
line of fresh undherwear I’ll have to have thim all done up, 
although they don’t need it all.” 

‘‘Thrue for ye, she is exthravagant,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, 
picking up a few of the articles on the floor ; thim phwite 
shkirts an’ things is as clane as the dhriven shnow ; I’m afeard 
yer makin’ a spoiled child out o’ Mary Ann.” 

Oh, well, mebbe I am,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, ‘‘but she’s 
the only wan I have, and it does me good to see her put on 
shtyle. She makes up for me own dhrawbacks in that way, ye 
know.” * 


THE GOWANTJSIANS. 


129 


‘‘Well, ivery wan knows their own business besht,” said Mrs. 
Mc-Brannigan, “ but I know I couldn’t afford to let Maud put on 
so much shtyle, bekase I’d have to spind all me time washin’ 
clothes, an’ to say the laste, ’tis not the funniest thing in the 
world to be bindin’ over the face of a washtub from mornin’ till 
night, Mrs. Mulgrew.” 

“ Faith, I know that, well,” said Mrs. Mulgrew in a tone of 
humility ; “ many a hard day’s work I put in at the same occupa- 
tion before I married Mulgrew ; but now that we’re purty well off, 
I don’t begrudge Mary Ann her injoymints an’ her shtyle, an’ 
besides, her exthravagance in clothes helps to keep the wolf from 
the dure of ould Mrs. O’Halligan, my washwoman ; so ye see ’tis 
a bad wind that blows nobody good, Mrs. McBrannigan.” 

‘‘ That’s so, that’s so,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, “ an’ yez had 
an illegant time phwhile ye wor away, I’m sure, Mrs. 
Mulgrew.” 

“Oh, the finest time I iver had,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew; “I 
wouldn’t be home yet, only they closed up the hotel phwhere I 
was shtoppin’ in Far Rockaway, an’ we had to lave, ph whether or 
no ; but I’m so used to thravelin’ about now, that I’ll find it very 
hard to settle down quietly in Gowanus for the winther.” 

“ An’ how is yer health now ? ” asked Mrs. McBrannigan. 

“ Tip top,” said Mrs. Mulgrew; “I feel like a two-year-old ; 
in fact, I feel so well that I have a good mind to go to Chicago 
to see the World’s Fair; Mary Ann has been coaxin’ me to go, an’ 
if I kape on feeling good, I may start out West the first part o’ 
the next month to see the sights. I met so many people this 
summer that wor there that I felt ashamed o’ meself for not 
knowin’ anything about it ; but plaze goodness. I’ll go there an’ 
see all that’s to be seen, or know the rayzon phwhy. But ye 
haven’t towld me any o’ the news o’ the neighborhood, Mrs. 
McBrannigan ; is there anything goin’ on at all at all ? ” 

“ Well, the only thing that’s happened lately, is the accident 
to poor Mrs. O’Dooley’s huzhband,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, who 
then proceeded to give a detailed account of how Mr. O’Dooley 
came to be laid up, which account was emphasized by many shak- 
ings of the head and hints as to the possibility of poor O’Dooley’s 
having to cross the boundary of the land from which there is no 
return, at which Mrs. Mulgrew was much affected. 

“I’m very sorry to hear about Mrs. O’Dooley’s throuble,” she 
said, when Mrs. McBrannigan had finished ; “ if she loses the ould 
man she’ll have nothing to fall back on but her two hands an’ 
9 


130 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


little Tommy an’ the goat, an’ I’m thinkin’ the hoy an’ the goat 
’ll be more like dhrawbacks than helps whin the pinch comes ; 
but we musht take things as they come, an’ make the besht of 
iverything.” 

Here Mrs. Mulgrew relieved her feelings by diving into the 
other trunk and producing additional evidences of Mary Ann’s 
extravagance, and Mrs. McBrannigan, seeing that she was very 
busy, excused herself on the ground of having promised to run in 
to see Mrs. O’Dooley, to inquire concerning her husband’s con- 
dition ; so, with many expressions of her pleasure at seeing Mrs. 
Mulgrew safe at home again, Mrs. McBrannigan left her traveled 
neighbor to her task of sorting out her wash, and wended her way 
down to Mrs. O’Dooley’s. 


j 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


131 


CHAPTEE XXXL 

Mrs. Mulgrew Comes to Grief Trying to Learn How to 
Hide the Bicycle. 

Mrs. Mulgrew has not been seen on the streets of Gowanus 
for several days, and, as this is something very much out of the 
ordinary run of affairs, it has excited considerable comment 
among the Gowanusians of all classes and conditions. 

Even when her fatty degingeration of the heart ” was both- 
ering her she would manage to struggle out, if only to sit on the 
doorstep, to nod to the passers by and strike up a little seanna- 
chas” with one of her neighbors, who might have a little time to 
spare, and this new freak of hers, of staying in the house, filled 
the neighbors with amazement. 

Mrs. McBrannigan met Mrs. O’Dooley one day early this 
week, and, in the course of conversation, the phenomenon of Mrs. 
Mulgrew’s absence from the street was mentioned. 

I’m afeard the ginger atin’ disase has taken a bad grip on 
her,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, “for, as long as I’ve been livin’ in 
Gowanus, I’ve niver missed a mornin’ that I didn’t get a salute 
from Mrs. Mulgrew, barrin’ the toime she wint to the Catskill 
mountains for her health ; faith, she has a wondherful backbone 
intoirely, an’ it must be that some accidint happened her that’s 
put her on the broad of her back ; for, if she was able to put her 
fut undher her at all at all, she’d not shtop in the house this 
beautiful, foine weather.” 

“ Thrue for ye, Mrs. O’Dooley, said Mrs. McBrannigan, 
shaking her head sympathetically. “I’ve known Mrs. Mulgrew 
these twinty years, an’ I’m so accustomed to havin’ a little chat 
wid her almost ivery day, that I feel kind o’ lost from not seein’ 
her for so many days.” 

Just then the doctor’s carriage drove up to Mulgrew’s door ; 
it was a very stylish rig, with a team of high-stepping horses and 
a colored coachman in livery holding the reins. 

“ She must be very bad intoirely,’’ said Mrs. O’Dooley, as she 
took in the details of the high-toned physician’s equipage, “ be- 
kase that’s the docther she had last spring, whin she was sufferin’ 


182 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


SO much wid the ginger in her heart, an’ I b’lave he charges six 
or seven ‘dollars a visit, for he’s very shwell an’ lives in a hig 
house over on the hill. Mrs. Mulgrew towld me wan toime that 
he niver comes to Gowanus at all, except whin she sinds for him 
specially, an’ he only come to see her bekase she used to dale wid 
him whin he was a poor young shlob of a docthor, just startin’ 
out, with phwhishkers on the bottoms of his pants legs as long as 
the wans on his chin.’’ 

‘‘Faith, if he comes to see her very often at six or seven dol- 
lars a visit, it won’t be long before she’ll manage to get rid of the 
big pile o’ money she won down at the races in the shpring,” said 
Mrs. McBrannigan. “ Begorra, ’tis mighty thankful I am that 
none o’ me family iver got any o’ thim high-toned disases that 
nobody but seven-dollar docthors can undherstand ; we niver had 
anything in our house that couldn’t be cured wid a spoonful o’ 
casthor oil or five cints worth o’ New Rochelle salts, an’ I liope 
we’ll kape on in the same way, plaze goodness, till our time comes 
to go to Flat bush for good.’’ 

Mrs. O’Dooley nodded her head solemnl}", and so they con- 
tinued to converse about doctors and diseases until the physician 
emerged from Mrs. Mulgrew’s door and entered his carriage. 

The spanking team dashed impatiently down the street, as 
though anxious to leave the neighborhood and get back to their 
swell, elegant haunts as soon as possible; as the two women 
watched it disappear, Mrs. O’Dooley made a suggestion. 

“ Suppose we go up an’ inquire afther Mrs. Mulgrew ; ’tis 
only a step, an’ mebbe we cud be of some use to her, for that 
daughter of hers, Mary Ann, is a hoyty toyty piece, an’ can’t be 
much good around a sick-room.” 

“ That’s so,” said Mrs. McBrannigan ; “ we may as well be 
neighborly; Mrs. Mulgrew wouldn’t be as long as this about 
coinin’ to see us if we wor sick, an’ ’tis only right that we should 
go.” 

So Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. O’Dooley started up the street, 
and before long were tapping on the door leading into Mrs. Mul- 
grew’s front parlor. 

They were startled at hearing Mrs. Mulgrew’s voice from the 
inside, shouting “ Come in ! ’’with a vigor which did not indicate 
any great degree of weakness. 

They went in ; Mrs. Mulgrew was propped up in a chair by 
the window ; one of her feet was resting on a chair, done up in 
bandages ; her left arm was in a sling and her face was covered 


THE GOWANUSIANS, 


133 



Mrs. Mulgrew on the Bicycle. 



134 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


with strips of court plaster in a way which gave her a most com- 
ical appearance ; in fact, she looked so strange that the visitors 
forgot their politeness and laughed outright. 

Mrs. Mulgrew made an attempt to smile, but it was a dead 
failure ; her mouth seemed to slip around toward her ear, and, as 
this distorted her face more than ever and caused her considerable 
pain, she gave it up as a bad job. 

‘‘ Faith, I’m glad to see ye in joyin’ yersilves at my expinse,” 
she said finally, bekase I deserve to be laughed at, for a bigger 
fool than I am niver stood on two feet.” 

Mrs. O’Dooley and Mrs. McBrannigan stopped laughing at 
once ; they put on long faces and gazed at Mrs. Mulgrew in 
astonishment. At length Mrs. O’Dooley ventured to remark in 
a sympathetic voice, which natives of Connaught know so well 
how to assume : 

“ We saw the docthors convayneance at the dure an’ we knew 
there must be somethin’ up, so mesilf an’ Mrs. McBrannigan med 
up our moinds to call in an’ see phwhat was the matther. Savin’ 
yer prisince ye look as if ye wor afther goin’ through a threshin’ 
machine.” 

“ Och, a threshin’ machine ud be heaven compared wid the 
exparience I’ve been through,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. I’m 
almost ashamed to tell ye that I’m laid up in lavender like this, 
from nothing more or less than try in’ to learn how to ride a 
bicycle.’’ 

Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. O’ Dooley exchanged significant 
glances, and they had hard work trying to keep their faces straight 
while Mrs. Mulgrew went on with the details of her exploit. 

Ye see,” she continued, ‘‘ Mary Ann has been takin’ lessons 
in bicycle-ridin’ ever since the skatin’ say son closed, an’ she’s been 
in such good health an’ has such an’ appetite that 1 med up me 
mind I’d thry it, too. 

‘‘ Av coorse Mary Ann objected, an’ even went so far as to call 
me an ould fool, but I thought it was more of her airs, an’ I put 
me fut down an’ insisted on havin’ a thrial of it ; so she bought 
me wan o’ them new patent bicycle shkirts down-town an’ wan 
avenin’ last week we started out for the place phwhere they do 
the tachin’, near the park. 

Well, first off, the bicycle man towld me I was too large to 
think o’ ridin’ a bicycle, but I gev him a piece o’ me mind and 
towld him I wasn’t too large to think of anything I cud afford to 
pay for, an’ phwhin he saw I was in earnest he called two big 


THE GOWANDSIANS. 


135 


buck naygurs, an’ they brought out a bicycle an’ we all wint over 
to the sidewalk, outside the park fince. 

“ They put me sittin’ up on it afther a good dale o’ trouble an’ 
got me feet on the threadles an’ wid wan naygur on each side o’ 
me, we started off on a run ; I wasn’t a bit afeared, bekase I 
knew no matther which way I fell I would have a naygur undher 
me. Well, we didn’t go very fur when we ran into a stone or 
somethin’, an’ the bicycle keeled over an’ down I came, pop, on 
top o’ the poor black divil. I managed to get up afther a 
while, all right, but the naygur had to go back to the shop for 
repairs. 

He sint another wan, bigger an’ blacker than himself, to 
take his place, an’ they soon had me started off again ; we wint 
along fine this time ; I began to work me feet, an’ the first thing 
I knew I was going so fasht that the naygurs cudn’t kape up wid 
me at all ; they let go o’ me completely, an’ off I wint on me own 
hook, pushin’ away like the divil wid me two feet, an’ feelin’ 
like a two-year-ould colt. All of a sudden I remimbered that they 
forgot to show me how to shtop the thing widout failin’ off an’ 
killin’ mesilf, an’ I didn’t know phwhat to do ; I kep’ on pushin’ 
the threadles like mad, and scooted pasht horse cars an’ policemen 
an’ iverything, an’ before I found out where I was I bumped 
over a mudgutther and was on the cobblestones. Och ! mila mur- 
ther ! but it was tough ; ivery bone in me body began to jump, an’ 
I began to yell fire ! an’ murther ! an’ police ! an’ iverything else 
I cud think of. I jiisht missed knockin’ over a throlley car, but 
I kep’ on yellin’, an’ me heart kep’ time wid me feet, goin’ like 
Ould Nick himsilf. 

Thin I saw a whole row o’ bicycles coinin’ across the plaza 
wid men an’ women on thim. I hollered at thim to clear the 
thrack, but they didn’t pay any attention, so I med up me moind 
me toime had come ; so I shut me eyes an’ said a little prayer, 
an’ the next thing I knew I didn’t know nothin’. I belave they 
brought me home in a coach, an’ I understand they’re goin’ to 
hould me responsible for the smashin’ of a dozen bicycles, the 
breakin’ up of a bran new bicycle club an’ the docthor’s bills for all 
the mimbers that forgot to get out o’ me way. 

‘‘ As for meself, 1 have no bones broke, but I’m sore in ivery 
bit o’ me body. The docthor says I’ll be all right in a week or 
so, if I don’t get spinal maginnis ; and I hope I don’t, bekase I 
have no fancy for thim Oyetalian disases at all, but whether I 
get it or no, I’m done wid bicycle ridin’ foriver.” 


136 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


At this point Mrs. Mulgrew rapped on the floor with 
a stick three times, and in a few minutes her husband came up 
in answer to the summons with a quart measure full of mixed 
ale, and Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. O’Dooley drank to Mrs. 
Mulgrew’s health, both expressing the hope that she would escape 
the threatened attack of that dreaded distemper, spinal 
maginnis.” 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


137 


CHAPTEK XXXIL 

The Mulgrews Make Preparations to Start for the 
World’s Fair. 

One morning last week as Slob McTerrigan was sauntering 
along, engaged in his usual occupation of looking for something 
to do, and hoping he wouldn’t find it, he met Mr. Mulgrew. 

The saloon-keeper stopped and said, Good-morning, Slob, 
are ye workin’ ? ” 

‘‘ Are ye workin’ ? ” is a common form of expression in 
Gowanus, and always accompanies a salutation, even if the in- 
quirer knows well that the person he is addressing has not missed 
a day’s work in twenty years. 

Slob’s answer to Mr. Mulgrew’s question was a simple naw,” 
accompanied by a disgusted curl of the upper lip, which portion 
of Slob’s physiognomy, as well as his cheeks, chin and neck, were 
sadly in need of a shave. 

Well, if you’re not. Slob, I have somethin’ soft for ye,” said 
Mr. Mulgrew with a beaming smile, which was somewhat ob- 
scured by the great puff of cigar smoke which issued from the 
opening under Mr. Mulgrew’s nose, and which served him as a 
mouth. 

‘‘ Wot is de soft ting, a sponge?” asked Slob, who was used 
to Mr. Mulgrew’s jokes, and, knowing the saloon-keeper had 
been down to the Adams Street Opera House during the last en- 
gagement of “ Percy and Harold,” he thought he would forestall 
any jest that Mr. Mulgrew might have on his mind and show him 
that he was a ‘‘ slob ” in name only. 

Xo, indeed,” said Mr. Mulgrew, as the aforesaid beaming 
smile disappeared from his face and lost itself among the under- 
brush of his Oonnty Antrim whiskers, “ I’m not springin’ any 
gags on ye to-day ; I’m dead serious, d’ye mind, an’ if ye want a 
good job for a couple o’ weeks, follow me.” 

‘‘ Gee whiz! wot have I struck? ” said Slob to himself, as he 
turned on his heel and hurried after Mr. Mulgrew, who had 
started on a jog trot for his place of business. 

Slob caught up to him as he was entering the saloon, and 


138 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


when they got inside he fidgeted about nervously, and wished he 
had made a few inquiries about the nature of the position he was 
to fill before he followed Mr. Mulgrew so obediently. In fact, 
he began to think he would be a good deal happier if he hadn’t 
come at all. 

The first thing Slob noticed was that a new bartender had 
been installed behind the old bar ; he had a decidedly “ down- 
town ” look about him, having on a clean white necktie and col- 
lar, a white shirt, jacket and apron, and formed a decided con- 
trast to his employer, who was standing beside him giving him 
some instructions. 

Slob’s reflections were interrupted by Mr. Mulgrew, who 
called him over and introduced him to the new man, who nodded 
to him in a familiar way which made Slob feel quite at home at 
once. 

‘‘Now, Shlob,” began Mr. Mulgrew, “I’ll explain the nature 
o’ the soft shnap I was tollin’ ye about down the sthreet. Ye see 
the ould woman has been at me iver since she kem back from the 
counthry to take a little vacation meself. She says ’tis too bad to 
have me doin’ all the hard work, an’ herself an’ Mary Ann havin’ 
all the fun ; an’ she mintioned so many things to me that she 
heerd tell of bein’ at the World’s Fair in Chicago, that me curi- 
osity riz up, an’ although ye know I’m not fond o’ thravelin,’ I 
med up me mind that I’d take in the fair, purvidin’ herself an’ 
Mary Ann ud come along wid me. Of coorse they agreed, an’ 
now all I have to do is to buy a few clothes, lave the saloon in 
good ship-shape workin’ ordher, an’ start off for the Wesht to in- 
joy meself to me heart’s contint for a couple o’ weeks or more, as 
the case may be, or accordin’ to the way I’m plazed wid phwhat 
I see at the fair.” 

“ It’s a pooty expensive trip, I guess, ain’t it ? ” ventured Slob, 
just to show that he was not overawed by the announcement 
Mr. Mulgrew had just made. 

“It is for jays an’ yaps that don’t mind their p’s an’ q’s,” 
replied Mr. Mulgrew, with a tinge of sarcasm in his voice; “ but 
I haven’t been readin’ the paper for the pasht few months for 
nothing, an’ don’t ye forgit it ; I wrote to a frind o’ mine to in- 
gage me a couple o’ rooms near the fair grounds at a reasonable 
price, an’ I got a letther from him yistherda, as prompt as ye 
plaze, givin’ me the number o’ the house an’ the price I was to 
pay, an’ inclosin’ a little book full o’ tips on how to avoid bein’ 


THE GOWANHSIANS. 


139 


robbed at the fair, an’ how to see iverything to the very besht ad- 
vantage.” 

“ Well,” said Slob, as Mr. Mulgrew paused, wot has all dis 
talk got to do wit me an’ de soft ting dat ye spoke of about a 
year ago ? Do youse want to treat me to a trip to Chicago, takin’ 
me as yer man servant, de same as de members of de swell elegant 
set does, huh?” 

Oh, no ; oh, no said Mr. Mulgrew, quickly ; I wants to 
imploy you as assistant barkeeper here in the saloon till I come 
back. Ye see, I have hired this young man here to run the bar. 
He’s a first-class barkeeper, but he has niver tinded bar in Gowanus 
before, an’ he doeshn’t know the kind o’ shnags he’s likely to run 
agin in a place like this. Now, phwhile I’m away I suppose all 
the ould cushtomers that are ashamed to show their faces to me 
bekase they owes me so much money will be turnin’ up an’ givin’ 
the new barkeeper a jolly about bein’ regular pathrons of the 
establishment an’ so on, an’ lookin’ for more tick. Phwhat I want 
you to do is to kape yer eye peeled for all such cases, an’ phwhin 
ye see wan o’ thim cornin’ in, give him the wink, an’ he’ll know 
phwhat to do, for I’ve given him his insthructions.” 

To say that Slob was delighted is to put it very mildly, indeed. 
His face, in spite of its want of cleanliness, cuuld easily be seen 
to be wreathed in smiles. He was so overcome that he could 
scarcely speak, but he managed to blurt out something about 
being very much obliged,” and so on, but his speech of thanks 
was cut short by Mr. Mulgrew, who started in to give him explicit 
instructions regarding the conduct of the business “while he was 
absent taking in the sights of the great fair. 

After he had laid down the law to his satisfaction, Mr. Mul- 
grew drew from his inside pocket a printed card, and in a very 
earnest tone, said : “ Now, l3oys. I’m havin’ a lot o’ these printed, 
an’ in case some beat comes in, an’ ye can’t get rid of him, jusht 
hand him wan o’ these, an’ tell him thim are the rules o’ the place 
phwhile I’m away.’’ 

Slob took the card and read as follows : 

Mulgrew’s Roles. 

1. All dead beats are notified that the large cake of ice which 
was formerly used for keeping their accounts on, melted during 
the hot spell last week, and that their accounts cannot be opened 
again until cold weather. 

2. Customers w^ho complain of the hard times, and who can- 


uo 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


not afford to pay 10 cents for a glass of whisky, will be helped 
from a special bottle of fusel oil and kerosene at 5 cents for 
each four-finger drink. Water will not be furnished with this 
brand. 

3. Don’t try to sthring the new barkeeper with any guff 
about the sthringency of the money market; he was born and 
brung up in Redhook Point, and can see a “ jolly ” a mile 
away. 

4. Don’t thry the game of takin’ a dhrink an’ thin suddenly 
seein’ a car goin’ by the door that ye have to catch, at the same 
time forgettin to pay ; the new barkeeper holds the record as a 
mallet thrower, and can make an impression on yonr scalp with 
the bung starter before you reach the door that yon’ll be likely 
to remember long afther you’ve digested the stolen drink. 

5. Don’t get funny and ask the barkeeper if he has any 
champagne on ice, and if he says j^es, tell him yon’ll take some 
of the ice ; you’ll be likely to get it — where Maggie wore the 
beads. 

6. Don’t annoy the barkeeper by asking for mixed dhrinks 
(except mixed ale) when he’s busy ; Micks should avoid mixed 
dhrinks anyway, on principle. 

7. Order will be kept by Slob McTerrigan, who will settle 
all hot disputes by turnin’ on the hose leadin’ from the cold 
water tap. 

Respectfully, 

P. Mulgrew. 

When Sl^b had finished reading the card, he handed it back 
to Mr. Mulgrew, who told him to run right home and shave him- 
self and wash his face and report for duty that afternoon. Slob 
lost no time and was soon back in the saloon being initiated in 
the mysteries of mixed drinks and the proper handling of a bar- 
tender’s club in case of an emergency by the new barkeeper, 
whom Slob found to be a “ perfect chenlman ” in every way. 


THE GOWANUSIAHS. 


141 


CHAPTEE XXXIII. 

The Mulgrews Start for Chicago to See the Great Fair. 

At 8 o^clock on Tuesday morniug a carriage drew up in front 
of Mulgrew’s door. The driver got down from his seat and 
arranged the blankets on the horses, so as to keep the chilly 
Gowanus air from affecting their health. Then he went into the 
barroom to get something in the shape of an interior “liquid 
blanket” for himself, as he knew if he had to go a long distance 
it would be a long time between drinks. While he was enjoying 
his refreshment, and while the horses were waiting patiently out- 
side, Mrs. O’Dooley happened to come up the street from her 
house on her way to the grocery store. 

Just before she came to Mrs. McBrannigan’s gate, she noticed 
the carriage waiting outside of Mulgrew’s, and, being of a 
naturally curious nature, she thought she would go into 
Mrs. McBrannigan’s, to see whether that good woman might 
know the reason why the equipage was waiting there. Mrs. Mc- 
Brannigan saw her coming, and had the door open long before 
Mrs. O’ Dooley had time to reach it, and after asking particularly 
about the condition of her husband, she offered Mrs. O’Dooley a 
chair. 

“ I haven’t time to shtop a moment, thank ye, Mrs. Mc- 
Brannigan. I’m on me way to the grocery shtore, an’ I musht 
hurry back to give the ould man liis medicine,” said Mrs. 
O’Dooley. “ I jusht stopped in to see if ye knew who was dead ^ 
in the neighborhood.” 

I didn’t hear tell of any wan bein’ dead,” said Mrs. McBran- 
nigan, becoming interested at once, who was mintionin’ such 
bad news in such good weather, Mrs. O’Dooley ? ” 

“ Nobody was mintionin’ it to me,” answered Mrs. O’Dooley, 

“ but shure I have eyes to see ; there’s a funeral coach standin’ 
forninst Mulgrew’s door for the lasht tin minutes, an’ phwhat 
wud a funeral coach be doin’ in front of a body’s house unless 
they be goin’ to a funeral ? ’’ 

Mrs. O’Dooley placed her arms akimbo as she asked this ques- 
tion and looked Mrs. McBrannigan square in the eye, as though ** 
she felt it could not be answered very readily. 


142 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


Mrs. McBrannigan laughed for a few moments, bnt as she 
noticed Mrs. O’Dooley growing slightly warm around the space 
just below her chin, she suppressed her meriment and said with 
a smile : 

Why, Mrs. O’ Dooley, can’t folks use funeral coaches for any- 
thing else but goin’ to funerals ? Didn’t ye iver hear tell of 
people hirin’ a coach to go an’ get married in ? 

Glory be to goodness, I niver thought of that ! ” exclaimed 
Mrs. O’Dooley, quickly ; an’ shure Mary Ann Mulgrew ain’t 
goin’ to run off an’ get married at this hour in the mornin’, is 
she?” 

“ I didn’t say she was,’’ said Mrs. McBrannigan, “ an’ more- 
over, I was goin’ to ax ye if people couldn’t hire carriages for 
other raysons as well as funerals an’ marriages ; that is, I mane, 
phwhin they have more money than they know phwhat to do 
wid ? ’’ 

“ Thrue for ye,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, with a shake of her 
head ; “ an’ phwhat is our neighbor wid the fatty degingeration 
o’ the heart goin’ to do now ? ’’ 

‘‘ She’s goin’ to the World’s Fair in Chicago,” said Mrs. Mc- 
Brannigan, an’ phwhat’s more, she’s goin’ to take the ould man 
wid her this time ; faith ’tis time she thought o’ givin’ him some 
o’ the fun instid of injoyin’ it all herself an’ Mary Ann.” 

“ That’s so,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, “ an’ phwhin does she 
start? ” 

“ At 9 o’clock, she towld me lasht avenin’ phwhin I was over 
to see her,” said Mrs. McBrannigan ; “ an’ by the way I promised 
to run over an’ see her agin, before she left this mornin’. Wud ye 
like to come wid me, or have ye to really hurry home to the ould 
man ? ” 

“ Well,” said Mrs. O’Dooley, looking at the clock, ‘Ghe time 
for him to take his medicine is pasht now, an’ it won’t come 
round again for half an hour, so I guess I’ll run over wid ye 
jusht to have a few words wid Mrs. Mulgrew before she goes 
away.” 

Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. O’Dooley started out together 
and in a few moments were at the door of the Mulgrew domicile, 
around which a number of the gamins of the neighborhood had 
collected to see what was the cause of the carriage being on hand, 
and wondering whether they would have a chance to hold a 
‘‘skimitin,” which is a form of amusement still common in 
Gowanus on the occasion of a wedding. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


143 


Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. O’Dooley went up-stairs and 
found Mrs. Mulgrew, Mary Ann and the old man in a regular 
fever of excitement. 

‘‘ I tell ye I won’t wear a collar an’ necktie ! ” was what they 
heard Mr. Mulgrew shout at his wife and daughter as they came 
in the door. 

“ Well now ye musht ! ” said his wife in an equally positive 
tone. “ It’s all well enough for ye to go round Gowanus here 
widout any ornamentation, but phwhin ye go thravelin’ amongst 
dacent people, ye’ll have to be someways civilized, that’s all there 
is about it ! ” 

Mr. Mulgrew was struggling to get into a very stiffly starched 
shirt, just then, and he didn’t have a chance to reply to his wife 
for a minute or two, but when he did emerge from the adhesive 
folds of the garments, he was more ready for an argument than 
before, for the refractory shirt had made his blood fairly boil, his 
face showed the emotions which were stirrmg his soul and his 
wife made up her mind that it would be better not to press the 
point any further just then. 

Moreover, the entrance of Mrs. McBrannigan and Mrs. 
O’Dooley acted as a stopper to the threatened row, and while 
they were saying good-morning to her mother, Mary Ann led her 
father into the other room, and by dint of much coaxing got him 
to allow her to button a low collar and a small black bow on the 
neck of the shirt. 

Mary Ann would have preferred to have adorned her father 
with a standing collar having turn-over points and a lavender 
tie with large pink spots, but the old man was obdurate, so she 
was forced to be content with the more modest style, though she 
cherished strong hopes that when she reached Chicago her father 
would awaken to a realization of his short-comings, and see the 
necessity of putting on more style of his own accord. 

With some object of her own in view, Mary Ann, without 
consulting her mother, had gone down to the store where her 
father had hired the dress suit for the Emerald ball, and had 
hired it herself, and smuggled it, along with the dress shirt, tie, 
etc., which he had not worn since the memorable ball, into the 
bottom of the trunk which they were to take with them. 

Mary Ann then came into the large front room where her 
mother was conversing with her neighbors, and giving a last look 
to see that everything was all right, shut down the lid of the 
trunk. 


lU 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


That is, she tried to shut it down, but the trunk, behaving just 
as every other trunk does under similar circumstances, refused to 
shut so that it could be locked. 

Mr. Mulgrew tried to shut it, and only desisted from his 
attempts when he was in danger of apoplexy from his exertions ; 
then he went down to the saloon and sent Slob McTerrigan up to 
see what he could do with it. 

Slob made several attempts to close the lid, but was just as 
unsuccessful as Mr. Mulgrew had been, much to that man’s satis- 
faction. 

Mrs. Mulgrew, who had been busy all this time telling Mrs. 
O’Dooley and Mrs. McBrannigan about the fine time she ex- 
pected to have at the fair, noticed the struggle Slob was having 
with the trunk, and, coming over, brushed Slob to one side, and 
without saying a word, sat down on the lid of the trunk, which 
gave a sort of discouraged squeak and settled into place. 

Mary Ann locked the trunk and Slob, taking it on his back, 
carried it down to the sidewalk, and with the assistance of the 
coach driver, placed it up alongside the driver’s seat. 

Then, everything being ready, the whole party filed down the 
stairs to the street, Mrs. O’Dooley and Mrs. McBrannigan giving 
Mrs. Mulgrew lots of good advice about not overtaxing herself 
running around the fair grounds for fear of bringing on another 
attack of her heart complaint, and so on, all of which advice Mrs. 
Mulgrew promised faithfully to follow out if possible. 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann got into the coach, and the 
driver removed the blankets from the horses and got up on his 
seat ready to start at a moment’s notice, when Mr. Mulgrew came 
running out of the side door of the saloon with three or four 
bottles in his hands. 

See here !” he exclaimed, didn’t I tell yez to remind me 
not to forget these bottles, an’ here we wor almost afther goin’ 
widout thim ; now we’ll have to open the thrunk an’ put thim in 
right now, or I don’t go, that’s all.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann protested ; they told Mr. Mul- 
grew^ he could buy all the stuff he wanted in Chicago, but he was 
obdurate ; so in order not to miss the train, Mrs. Mulgrew told 
the driver to lift the trunk down on the sidewalk. 

He did so, and then Mary Ann was obliged to produce the 
key and open the trunk, the lid of which sprang upward with a 
movement like the lid of a jumping-jack box, fetching several of 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


145 


the more inquisitive youngsters smart raps on their pudgy little 
noses before they had time to dodge. 

Then Mr. Mulgrew placed his bottles in the middle of the 
trunk, and after considerable re-arranging of various unmention- 
able articles, which called forth many remarks from the tough 
kids, an attempt was made to close the lid once more. 

The same difficulty was encountered as before, so Mrs. Mul- 
grew was obliged to struggle out of the coach and perform the 
same service as she had already done up-stairs, and as Mary Ann 
turned the key in the lock she breathed a sigh of relief. 

Then the trunk was replaced on the top of the coach along- 
side the driver, Mr. and Mrs. Mulgrew and Mary Ann got 
inside, the driver whipped up his horses, and amid the cheers 
and yells of the assembled gamins, and the waving of their 
aprons by Mrs. O’Dooley and Mrs. McBrannigan, the Mulgrew 
family began their journey to the World’s Fair. 

The carriage rattled down the street at a lively pace, which in- 
terfered greatly with Mrs. Mulgrew’s comfort, but as they had 
no time to spare in order to catch the train, her feelings could 
not be considered, and the more she protested the more sharply 
did Mr. Mulgrew order the driver to Hurry up ! ” 

They arrived at the Grand Central depot just barely in time ; 
Mr. Mulgrew, having to attend to the checking of the trunk, 
came very near being left ; the door was closed so quickly on him 
that it had to be opened again to release his coat tails which had 
been caught in the slam. Their adventures, which were numer- 
ous, I shall not attempt to relate, but will leave that important 
duty to Mrs. Mulgrew, from whom Mrs. McBrannigan received 
a letter on Friday morning. 

The letter came in the mail at 11 o’clock, but Mrs. McBran- 
nigan was obliged to possess her soul in patience until 12:30, at 
which time Maud arrived from down-town, where she had been 
shopping. 

Maud tore the envelope open and, between bursts of laughter, 
read as follows : 

Eagle Bureau, Auditorium Building, I 
Chicago, Wednesday, October 11. f 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — Well, well, well, here we are at 
lasht in the great city of Chicago, an’ for the lasht few days 
we’ve been havin’ the biggest time we iver had in our whole 
lives. 


10 


146 


THE GOWANTJSTANS. 


Ye cud roll the Catskill mountains, wid all their beautiful 
scenery, an’ Saratoga, wid all its lovely shprings an’ pretty ger- 
ruls, an’ Asbury Park, wid all its bathin’ suits and bible backs, 
an’ Far Eockaway, wid all its F. I. Fs, into wan, an’ it wudn’t 
make a speck on the size and beautifullness of the lovely World’s 
Fair. 

We had a great time cornin’ here. The ould man kep’ very 
quiet until we got about as far as Yonkers ; thin he turned 
around to me, an’ sez he : “ Mary, do ye think we’ll be there 
soon ? ” I’m afeard not,” sez I, for I’m towld ’tis a long ways 
to Chicago.” I didn’t want to frighten him be tellin’ him that 
we’d have to ride all day an’ all night, for fear he’d want to turn 
back, an’ he settled down for another few minutes. 

Thin he tuk a notion to call the naygur an’ ask him how far 
we wor from Chicago, an’ whin he axed him I thought the 
darky’s face ud split in two, he gev such a grin. An phwhin he 
towld Mulgrew how far it was, I thought he do a Dutch fit right 
on the spot. 

Afther a phwhile he got up an’ wint huntin’ for the shmokin’- 
car, an’ we didn’t see a sign of him till the thrain got to Niagara 
Falls, ph where ivery wan got out to sthretch their legs an’ have 
a look at the scenery. 

I axed him phwhat he was doin’ all day in the shmokin’-car, 
an’ he towld me he met a lot of min from the same part of Ireland, 
an’ that they spint the day playin’ cards. He said he won a hun- 
dherd an’ forty-five dollars, playin’ forty-five, at five dollars a 
game, an’ he said if his luck held out he expected to win enough 
to pay our expinses for the whole thrip. 

I won’t waste your time tellin’ ye about Niagara Falls. ’Tis 
wondherful to see the wather dhroppin’ over the edge of a big 
high bank widout any shtop to it at all, an’ makin’ a noise that 
even a deaf man ougnt to be able to hear. 

We got along all right enough until bedtime ; the shelves wor 
made up, an’ the ould man kern in to go to bed. He was a little 
undher the weather ; he said it was from sittin’ on the sunny side 
o’ the car, but I knew it was sittin’ on the shady side o’ the nay- 
gur that has the sellin’ o’ the drinks. 

I didn’t mind that, though, for he towld me that he had to 
thrate the card players till they wor all blind dhrunk, bekase he 
won over $200 from them, an’ the phwhiskey kep thim from 
feelin’ sore over the loss o’ the money. 

1 got very thirsty a little phwile afther we wint to bed, an’ I 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


147 


got up to go an’ look for a dhrink o’ wather ; the ould man 
wasn’t asleep, so I says to him : “Parthrick, lave your fut shock- 
in’ out bechune the curtains, so’s I’ll know ph where to come to 
phwhin I come back from the wather tank.” ‘‘All right,” says 
he, an’ off I started. On me way back, afther gettin’ the dhrink 
o’ wather, I found that the car was full o’ jokers. They heard 
phwhat I said to the ould man, an’ they thought they’d fool me, 
for ivery blessed curtain in the whole car had a fut shtickin’ out. 

They wor the quarest lookin’ lot o’ feet ye iver saw. Some had 
shtockin’s on an’ some hadn’t, but I walked along until 1 kem to 
a good-sized fut that had both shoe an’ shtockin’ on, an’ then I 
knew I was all right. The ould man may not be very civilized, 
but it comes in mighty handy sometimes that he ain’t. 

We wor up bright an’ early in the mornin’, bekase the jounc- 
in’ o’ the car pervinted me from havin’ any sleep much, an’ 
afther havin’ breakfasht in the next car jusht as nice as if ye wor 
at a hotel, we wint back to the palace car an’ took our seats, 
phwile Mulgrew wint in to have another smoke and another 
thry at the game o’ forty-five. 

He kem back jusht before we got to Chicago in the greatest 
good humor. He said he won another fifty dollars, an’ that the 
resht o’ the crowd had made up their minds that they’d go back to 
New York on the next thrain widout seein’ the fair at all. 

We arrived at Chicago early in the afthernoon, an’ the ould 
man hired a carriage an’ towld the dhriver to take us to the Eagle 
office, so’s he cud find out how to go to the hotel ph where he had 
engaged the rooms a week ago through the kindness o’ the Eagle 
man. 

We wint into the office an’ sat down in lovely big rockin’ 
chairs, meself and Mary Ann, phwhile the ould man was 
talking to the boss. Afther he settled everything all right, he 
brought him over an’ inthrojuced him to us. His name is Mis- 
ther Pockwood, an’ a nicer, pleasanter spoken man I niver met. 
Saye he, “ ’Tis glad I am to make yer acquaintance, Mrs. Mul- 
grew, for I’ve read about you so often that I almosht feel as if we 
wor old frinds.” I med a low curtsey, an’ in doin’ it kem near 
knockin’ over a young Brooklyn dude, that was makin’ inquiries 
for a room wid a double bed near the fair grounds for about fifty 
cents a day. 

We said good-afthernoon to Mr. Eockwood, an’ got into our 
carriage again, an’ in a few minutes we arrived at our hotel. We 
wor shown to our rooms immagetly, an’ wor delighted with thirn. 


148 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


‘‘ In the avenin’ we started for tlie fair, an’ the onld man, in 
ordher to do the thing np in shtyle, hired a carriage to carry us 
to the place, but phwhin the dhriver charged him $6 for the 
short ride, he med up his mind that the illevated road would be 
good enough for us afther that. 

“ Well, we wint in to the fair grounds an’ the buildin’s, an’ 
the lights an’ the crowds an’ the noise all had such an effect on 
me that I near fainted. 

“ They comminced settin’ off fireworks soon afther we arrived, 
an’ they wor so illegant that we niver thought of lookin’ at any o’ 
the fair, an’ the fireworks kep up so long that as soon as they 
were over the first thing we knew a lot o’ chaps wid little swords 
hung on their belts an’ dhressed like sojers began to put us out, 
an phwhin we inquired the ray son phwhy, they said it was 
closin’ up time, an’ if we wanted to see any more o’ the fair we’d 
have to come the next day. 

We had the divil’s own time gettin’ back to the hotel, but we 
arrived there at lasht, an’ settled down for a good night’s sleep. 

We wor up at siven o’clock the next mornin’, an’ at the same 
time ivery mornin’ since, on the throt all day an’ a good part o’ 
the night as well, lookin’ at sights the like o’ ph which I niver saw 
before an’ niver will again. 

Mary Ann met a young gerrul from Brooklyn that she knew, 
here, the day before yistherday ; she kem on the Eagle excur- 
sion wid about two hundhred o’ the foinest people in the city o’ 
Brooklyn ; Mary Ann read over the lisht, an’ although they wor 
some familiar names on it, I didn’t know any o’ the people. I’m 
sorry, bekase there’s nothin’ I’d injoy betther than a good chat 
about the wonderful fair wid some o’ the good neighbors from 
Gowanus. 

Mary Ann an’ the young gerrul from Brooklyn wint off on 
their own hook to the fair this mornin’, an’ Mulgrew took it into 
his head to go off be himself, too. He towld me I ought to take 
a good resht for meself to-day, but as soon as he went out I put 
on me things an’ kem over here to the Eagle office, an’ towld the 
typewriter that I wanted to write a letther home to Gowanus. 

She’s as purty as a picture, and she’s been as patient as a pet 
lamb wid me an’ me odd ways o’ wanting the words spelt so’s 
ye’ll undherstand the letther well, an’ if it ain’t very well done, 
phwhy ye’ll have to excuse her, bekase Chicago is such a long 
ways from Gowanus that she ain’t to blame for gettin’ a thrifle 
mixed. 


THE G0WANU8IANS. 


149 


Moreover, Misther Rockwood towld me that any time I felt 
like writin’ a letther, I was at perfect liberty to do so, an’ the 
typewriter was at my service, so I will write again about our ad- 
ventures at the fair, before we go home to Gowanus, unless some- 
thin’ turns up to prevint me. 

Give my regards to Mrs. O’Dooley an’ all the neighbors, an’ 
believe me, the same ould 2 an’ sixpence, 

Mary Mulgrew. 


160 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XXXIV. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s Second Letter from the Wild and 
Woolly West. 

There are whistles and whistles. When the small boy 
wliistles Two Little Girls in Blue ” we feel like reaching for a 
gun ora club ; but when the postman whistles his cheery blast we 
rush to the door with joy in our heart and a smile on our face for 
the hard-working, gray -coated laddie whose business it is to bring 
messages of joy and sorrow to rich and poor alike, and whose 
coming is always as welcome as the flowers of May. 

Maud McBrannigan is quite an accomplished whistler. When 
she proceeds to purse up her pretty red lips and sends through 
the opening between them the strains of some popular melody 
the effect is superb, whether viewed from a musical or an artistic 
standpoint. 

Maud’s mother, however, being one of the old school, does 
not approve of whistling girls, and every time she hears Maud 
indulging in the pastime, she quotes a familiar proverb which has 
something to do with a hen which should have been a rooster, 
and so on, at which Maud generally laughs and shakes her curls, 
changing the air into a lively Irish jig, wLicli usually puts Mrs. 
McBrannigan into such a good humor that she forgets all about 
crowing hens and whistling girls, and the sad fate which is sup- 
posed to be in store for them. 

On Wednesday evening Maud was whistling the Washing- 
ton Post ” and practicing the new two-step dance which has just 
reached Gowanus, having started from Philadelphia soine.months 
ago. 

As she was pirouetting gracefully around the kitchen, the 
shrill, tremolo whistle of the letter-carrier sounded at the door, 
and Maud, stopping suddenly in the middle of a bar, rushed out, 
and on receiving a letter postmarked Chicago, gave the post- 
man a very warm “ thank you,” and ran back to the kitchen. 

Without any delay she tore open the envelope and read as 
follows : 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


151 


Eagle Bureau, Auditorium Building, ) 
Chicago, Monday, October 16. ) 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — Here I am again, sittin’ jusht as 
comfortable as ye plaze in the Eagle office, wid the purty little 
typewriter beside me, ready and willin’ to print anything I want 
to say to ye. 

I was so plazed wid her ladylike manners phwhin I was 
writin’ the lasht letther to ye that I tuk her out an’ thrated her 
to ice-crame, an’ yistherda’ phwhin I was at the fair grounds I 
bought her a snooveneer spoon. 

I ped four dollars for it, but the swate smile she gev me 
phwhin 1 presented it to her this momin’ was worth the price, 
an’ more, too. 

I forgot to tell ye a funny thing that happened the night we 
arrived in Chicago ; it wasn’t so very funny for us, but I know 
’twill make you laugh till the tears come into yer eyes. 

Phwhin we wor goin’ to bed the first night, the ould man 
wanted to take a dhrink, so we opened the thrunk. As soon as 
the lid was raised we felt a terrible shmell o’ phwhishky, an’ lo 
an’ behold ye, phwhin we tuk some o’ the clothes out an’ kem to 
the place ph where the bottles wor, we found the whole lot o’ thim 
broke, an’ ivery blissed dhrop o’ the shtuff spilled all over the 
duds. 

Mary Ann an’ niesilf wor near crazy bekase our things wor 
spoiled, an’ Mulgrew kem near havin’ a fit, bekase his supply of 
phwhishky that he bought specially for nightcaps was done for. 
We had to take ivery thing out an’ give thim to the chamber- 
maid to wash an’ air. 

Ivery day since the day I wrote my last letther, Mulgrew has 
shneaked off be himself to the fair, lavin’ Mary Ann an’ meself 
to paddle our own canoe. He to wid me he met some frindsfrom 
Brooklyn, an’ that they wor doin’ the fair together in their own 

I’ve been wondherin’ iver since phwhat their way was ; I 
looked high an’ low through the different buildin’s ivery day 
but saw no signs o’ the ould man. 

Yistherda’ mornin’ I was sthrollin’ down through wan o’ the 
sthreets phwhin I kem across phwhat they calls the Midway 
somethin’ or other ; ’tis a French name that’s hard, to say an’ it 
musht be hard to shpell, so I’ll not trouble the typewriter to 
write it, for ye wouldn’t undherstand it anyway. 


152 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


The Midway is a long sthreet, like the' Bowery in Coney 
Island, wid different kinds o’ shows on each side ; there’s hay- 
thens there from ivery counthry nndher the sun almosht, doin’ 
shtunts for the aumsemint o’ the crowd. 

Ivery counthry is intitled to wan village, but av coorse the 
Irish wor not contint wid wan ; they musht have two or none, 
so for peace sake they let thim have two spaces ; an’ the Yankees 
go into thim an’ pay thribble prices for Irish lace handkerchiefs 
that niver saw a sight o’ the ould dart, an’ large amounts for bog 
oak pipes an’ ornaments an’ things that ye can buy in the ould 
counthry for a song. 

In wan o’ the Irish villages they have phwhat they calls a bit 
o’ the real Blarney stone, an’ they charge tin cints to kiss it. 
‘‘ Would ye like to kiss the blarney shtone, ma’am ? ” says an ould 
gizabo wid a face on him like a pint o’ mixed ale all dhrank up. 

“ G-et out wid ye an’ yer ould Blarney shtone,” says I ; I 
kissed the rale Blarney shtone before I left Ireland, in the side o’ 
Blarney Cashtle, phwhere ye have to climb up to the roof an’ 
hang over the edge, phwhile somebody houlds ye be the legs, an’ 
yer in danger o’ losin’ yer life phwhile yer sthrivin’ to kiss the 
shtone. Excuse me from any such an imitation of a Blarney 
shtone,” says I ; an’ phwhin he saw I wasn’t a Yankee he pushed 
me wan side an’ began spillin’ out a lot o’ talk to a gang o’ gawks 
that wor shtandin’ around there wid their mouths open ready to 
take anything he might say as the gospel truth, jusht bekase he 
was Irish. 

We walked up the sthreet a piece, till we kem to a place 
phwhere a man was standin’ up on a barrel shoutin’ about a 
wondherful dance that was goin’ on inside ; says he, “ This is the 
dance that ye read about in the papers, condimned be all the 
clargy, an’ all it coshts is twinty-ffve cints.” 

Well,” says I to Mary Ann, “ let us go in an’ see the hay then 
performance ; we haven’t come here all the ways from Gowanus 
to look at the outside of iverything ; we musht see the whole 
business, good, bad an’ indifferent.” 

So we ped our money an’ we wint in an’ the man inside 
showed us down to the front seats, an’ phwhin I looked around, 
who was sittin’ right behind me but Mulgrew an’ his Brooklyn 
frinds. 

I said nothin’ at all to him, bekase I wanted to see phwhat it 
was that was takin’ him off wid the other min ivery day to the 
Midway. In a few minutes a woman kem out wid a face on her 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


153 


that ud shtop the circulation of a newspaper, the music sthruck 
up, an’ she comminced to wobble around the stage in a most un- 
dacent, disgushtin’ fashion ; I cudn’t see phwhere the dance 
kem in, for her feet niver left the flure wanst ; divil a jig step 
or a highland fling or a caper of any kind, but jusht bondin’ her 
body an’ wobblin’ her stomach, as if she had the gripes or some- 
thin’. 

‘ Come on out o’ this ! ’ says I to Mary Ann ; ‘ this is no place 
for dacent people like uz ; ’ and I gev wan look at Mulgrew that 
nearly withered him off the sate, an’ his friiids began to laugh as 
if it was a good joke. 

I gev him a good sound talkin’ to phwhin he kem in that 
night, an’ now we all go to the fair together ivery day, an’ al- 
though we wint to the Midway siveral times, we gev the stomach 
dancer the go by ivery time. 

The lasht time I was in the Eagle office, Misther Rockwood 
axed me wud we like to go to a reciption that was to be given to 
the folks that kem on the Eagle excursion ; I said we’d be plazed 
to go, only the ould man hadn’t his full dress wid him ; but Mary 
Ann phwhispered to me that she had hired it jusht for this pur- 
pose, an’ shlipped it into the bottom of the thrunk, so I towld 
Misther Rockwood that we’d go wid the greatest of pleasure, so 
he gev me three tickets. 

We had a great circus, thryin’ to get the ould man to consint 
to wearin’ the full dhress, especially bekase the shmell o’ the 
phwhishky was stickin’ to it like a brother. 

Says he, “ Phwhishky is all well enough in its place, but it’s 
place is not on the outside of a coat, but on the inside of the 
stomach ; but Mary Ann got out her cologne sprinkler, wid the 
rubber ball on the ind, that ye squeeze, an’ it squirts the swate 
smell all around, an’ she squirted about a pint o’ the besht co- 
logne on the suit an’ on her father, till the coat was like a boukay 
of flowers, an’ Mulgrew shmelled like a new man. 

Thin he put on the suit, an’ we put on the besht we had wid 
us ; we didn’t bring our Imerald ball dresses, for fear they’d be 
too stylish, an’ we started for the ball. 

It was a great night for Brooklyn, I tell ye ; they had Innes’s 
big brass band playin’ the mosht beautiful music, an’ iverybody 
that wanted to could dance to their heart’s contint. There was 
some o’ the purtiest young gerruls there I iver laid eyes on ; be- 
gorra, ye cudn’t help feelin’ proud of Brooklyn, it med such a 
fine showin’ that night. 


154 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


The ould man was very unaisy in his dhress suit all the 
avenin’ ; an’ he was mighty glad to get out of it phwhin we kem 
back to the hotel i but he behaved beautifully, an’ meself an’ 
Mary Ann wor quite plazed wid him. 

Mary Ann sinds out snooveneer postage cards to all her 
frinds ivery day. She sint wan to Maud this mornin’, an’ 1 sup- 
pose she’ll get it about the same time as you get this. 

The clock is afther strikin’ 12, an’ the little typewriter looks 
tired, so I’ll poshtpone tollin’ ye’ the resht o’ the news till the 
next letther. 

Yours forever, 

Mary Mulgrew. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


155 


CHAPTEK XXXV. 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s Third Epistle from the Windy City. 

Mrs. McBrannigan and Maud went down-town on Thursday 
morning to do some shopping ; when they returned they found 
that the postman had been there, for when they opened the door, 
there lay an envelope with the familiar Chicago postmark. 

Mrs. McBrannigan sat down at once and declared that she 
wouldn’t attempt to prepare the dinner until Maud had read the 
letter, as she was very anxious to find out how Mrs. Mulgrew was 
getting on at the great Chicago Fair. 

Maud, being fully as curious as her mother, opened the letter 
and read it. 

These were the contents of the interesting epistle : 

Eagle Bhreah, Auditorium Building, ) 
Chicago, 111., October 24. j* 

Dear Mrs. McBrannigan — Another week has passed by 
since I wrote to you lasht, but it doesn’t seem so long, bekase the 
time jusht skips by ye here, so that you hardly know phwhat time 
o’ day it is until the sogers begin shoutin’ that ’tis time to be 
goin’ home at night. 

The ould man is laid up this mornin’. He took a dhrink o’ 
the Chicago watlier be mistake yistherday, an’ it med him sick. 

If there’s wan thing in the world that’s worse than another, 
’tis the Chicago wather — it ain’t even fit to wash yer face in ; it’s 
so bad that they don’t offer it to dacent people to dhrink, but 
instid o’ that they do have little shtands wid blue boxes on top 
phwhere ye dhrop a pinny in, an’ out comes a glass o’ cold, clean 
wather, as nice as ye plaze. 

Av coorse I don’t throuble the wather boxes much, bekase 
there’s plinty o’ good beer an’ mixed ale on tap all over the 
grounds ; but the wather man does a good business in spite of it, 
bekase the fair is full of a gang o’ dhried-up Yanks, that look as 
if they or their ancesthors niver touched a dhrop of anything 
good in their lives. 

There’s wan place in the fiower buildin’ (it has some other 


156 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


long name that I can’t remember) pli where I saw a Yankee jay 
farmer wid a set o’ billy goat phwhishkers, dhrinkin’ a little bit 
of a glass o’ bad wine that he ped tin cints for, an’ be the way he 
was shoutin’ ye’d think he had a tin-dollar Gowanus jag on, wid a 
set o’ the shnakes into the bargain. 

These jayhawkers ’ll be the death o’ me yet. I meet thim 
ivery day, carrying bashkets an’ boxes full o’ sandwiches an’ 
shtuff, and the outlandish appearance o’ thim ’ud make ye die 
laughin’, so it wnid. 

I had great throuble wid me feet firsht off, phwhin I kem 
here. Afther gettin’ home to me hotel at night they felt like 
two lumps o’ red hot coal, an’ I used to have to soak thim in hot 
wather for half an hour, an’ scrape the corns an’ bunions off wid 
the ould man’s razor. 

Av coorse this didn’t do the razor any good, an’ the first time 
Mulgrew thried to shave himself he raised the divil, an’ phwhin 
I explained phwhat happened the edge o’ the razor he was worse 
than iver, an’ shwore that he wudn’t let me walk another shtep 
on the grounds ; so iver since I’ve thraveled around in a thing 
like a big baby carriage, wid a man dhressed like a poshtman 
pushin’ it from behind. 

There’s hundherds o’ thim on the grounds, an’ all kinds o’ 
people uses thim, but mostly feeble ould Yankee min and women. 
The pushers ain’t used to shovin’ fat people like me around, an’ it 
takes two o’ thim to move the chair whin I sit in it. 

I broke three o’ thim before I found wan that was sthrong 
enough to hould me. They charge me double price for it, bekase 
it was intended to carry two people. 

All the same I’m havin’ a fine time. I can’t explain the things 
I’ve seen since I kem here. Some wan said that there’s siven 
wondhers in the world, but he didn’t know phwhat he was talkin’ 
about. I cud take me dyin’ oath that I’ve seen about siven million 
o’ thim wid me own two eyes, an’ I don’t wear specs nayther. 

There’s wan buildiii’ alone that covers forty-two acres. It 
took me a whole day to go through it, an’ I don’t belave I saw 
more than half the things. They have articles from ivery countrj^ 
in the world, but ye’d think Ireland could produce nothing but 
ph whisk v, for divil a thing else, barrin’ a few bits o’ lace in the 
Irish village, did I see in the whole fair wid Ireland’s label on it. 

There is wan very purty Irish display, though, an’ ’twould do 
yer heart good to look at it ; ’tis nothing more or less than an 
Irish harp med of rale Irish shamrocks, planted in the ground be 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


157 


a young woman o’ the name of Eileen Donlin, an’, more power 
to her elbow, she’s a Brooklyn gerrul, too. 

Wehad a grand celebration here lasht Sathurday; it was a special 
day set apart for New Y ork City, an’, I tell ye, they made things 
hum ; there was parades, an’ spachemakin’, an’ fireworks, an’ bal- 
loons, an’ the devil knows phwhat all. 

I very body from the neighborhood of New York wore a 
phwhite badge ; I got wan an’ wore it jusht to show thim shkinny 
divils from the Wesht that I was none o’ their breed. 

I took a ride in a gondola lasht avenin’, an’ I tell ye it was 
illegant. 

Meself an’ Mary Ann had the whole boat to ourselves, an’ two 
big dagoes rowed us around amongst the buildin’s, phwile the 
music played an’ the fountains splashed, an’ everything went as 
merry as it does on a fair day in Ireland, only on a bigger an’ 
more expinsive plan. 

We will likely stay here for another week, an’ if we do I’ll 
write again, an’ if I don’t I can tell ye phwhat I want to say 
phwhin I get back. I cud kape on talkin’ for a year widout 
shtoppin, about the wondherful sights o’ this place. 

I musht shtop now ; the darlin’ little typewriter looks weary. 
She says there’s so many Brooklyn dudes runnin’ in an’ out o’ the 
office ivery day, axin’ her questions, that she has to take a slape 
ivery afternoon to resht herself, they make her so tired. 

So good-bye ; remimber me to all the neighbors, an’ belave me, 
always yours, 


Mary Mulgrew. 


158 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CFIAPTER XXXVL 

Mrs. Mulgrew Returns Home from Her Trip to the 
Columbian Exposition. 

Mrs. McBranuigan watched anxiously every day last week for 
the letter carrier, but the emissary from Captain Conlin’s office 
did not stop, even to inform her that he had no letter for her, 
and when Friday evening arrived and no news had come from 
Mrs. Mulgrew, Mrs. McBrannigan made up her mind that her 
neighbor had become so fascinated with the great Exposition that 
she had forgotten to write her usual weekly letter. 

She had just finished washing up the tea things, and was pre- 
paring to take a walk down the street as far as Mrs. O’Dooley’s 
to inquire after Mr. O’Dooley, who was reported to be ‘Wery bad 
intirely,” which is the Gowanuswayof saying that he had little or 
no hope of recovery from his sickness, when she heard a loud rap 
at the front door. 

She hastened to open it and almost dropped dead from aston- 
ishment when she saw the familiar form and features of Mrs. 
Mulgrew herself. 

‘‘Well, glory be to goodness, Mrs. Mulgrew ! an’ is this yer- 
self ? Is id from the shky ye dhropped, woman alive ? Shure I 
thought ye wor in Chicago ! ” exclaimed Mrs. McBrannigan. 

“ Divil a fear o’ me dhroppin’ from the shky,” said Mrs. Mul- 
grew, quickly, “ but I dhropped home from the World’s Fair three 
or four days ago, an’ I was so tired that I didn’t have the courage 
to show me nose outside the dure till this avenin’ to visit any wan. 
An’ how is ivery tether linth o’ ye ? An’ how are all the neigh- 
bors?” 

“ Oh, I’m first rate, meself,” answered Mrs. McBrannigan, 
“ an’ so’s the ould man an’ Maud an’ Jack, an’ so is iverybody in 
Gowanus, as far as I know, barrin’ poor O’Dooley, that got a bad 
fall through a buildin’ some weeks ago ; I saw Mrs. O’Dooley 
this mornin’ an’ she was tellin’ me that she’s afeard he won’t pull 
through ; they had a conglomeration of three or four docthors 
yistherda’ an’ they all agreed that he had no show at all at all, so 
Mrs. O’Dooley discharged them all, an’ sint for the priest at wanst. 


THE GOWANtrSIANS. 


159 


^‘That’s too bad intirely,” said Mrs. Mnlgrew; “I’m very 
sorry for Mrs. O’Dooley, for a betther, pleasanter neighbor I 
niver knew, an’ ’twill come very hard on her to lose the ouldman 
cornin’ on the winther an’ times are so hard, too.” 

“ Oh, she won’t be so badly off,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, “for 
be a foine piece o’ luck her huzhband insured his life jusht before 
he met wid the accident an’ she’s been dhrawing money ivery 
week since from the insurance company, an’ if he dies she’s to get 
siveral hundhred dollars.” 

“ Oh, that makes quite a difference,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. I 
thought she was poor as a Protestant church mouse, but all the 
same ’tis bad enough, for she’ll be losin’ the society of her man, 
an’ that manes a good dale to a woman that’s been married for 
twinty or twinty-foive years, Mrs. McBrannigan.” 

“I suppose it does,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, with a sigh ; 
“ but let us talk of somethin’ more cheerful. I enjoyed read in’ 
yer letthers from the Chicago fair very much indade, an’ I’ve 
been wishin’ for ye to come back so that ye cud gimme a betther 
account, for, although letthers are all well enough in their way, 
still ’tis much betther to have the shtory from a person’s own 
mouth ; ’tis far more satisfacthory.” 

“ Thrue for ye, Mrs. McBrannigan,” assented Mrs. Mulgrew ; 
“there was so many things that happened that I wanted to tell 
ye about that I couldn’t put in the letthers, that I wasn’t aisy till I 
started for home ; Mary Ann put down ivery thing in a big blank 
book ivery day, an’ she’ll be able to tell ye more abot the won- 
dherful sights we saw than I cud ; but I can remimber iverything 
in the way of fun we had, from the time we started till we got 
back.” 

Mrs. Mulgrew seated herself in the large rocking-chair and 
started in to give Mrs. McBrannigan a partial account of some of 
the adventures she had been through during her trip. 

“ Afther we got through seein’ the wondherful things in all 
the other buildin’s we started out wan mornin’ to explore the 
picther gallery. The ould man had been over there all alone, 
siveral times, afther I gave him the layin’ out for spindin’ all his 
time at the Turkish stomach-wobblin’ dance, an’ he riccominded 
the paintings very highly ; he said he wint through there wid a 
guide that he ped two dollars to for pointin’ out the besht 
picthers an’ explainin’ the meanin’ o’ thim to him. 

“ Of course meself an’ Mary Ann wanted to see them too, so, 
as I said before, we started out bright an’ early wan mornin’ an’ 


160 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


took the illevated electhric railroad around to the place where 
the buildin’ is that they have the picthers in, an’ in we wint. 

‘‘ We met the man at the dure that took Mulgrew around, an’ 
we med a bargain wid him to take us around an’ show us the 
picthers an’ tell us all about thim for three dollars. 

W ell, we started in ; he brought us into a big room an’ 
stopped fominst a great big phwhite marble statue, an’ says he, 
‘ This is considered wan o’ the finest works of art in the whole 
wide world ; it took tin years to carve it, an’ the value of it is 
sixty thousand dollars.’ I looked up at the statue an’ I gev a 
jump ; there it was standin’ as natheral as life, an’ divil a stitch 
o’ clothes on it of any shape or shtyle. I stood in front of Mary 
Ann so’s she couldn’t see it, an’ I gev the guide a piece o’ me 
mind. ^ I’m a dacent woman, young man,’ says 1, ‘ an’ I have 
me daughther wid me, an’ we didn’t come in here to be insulted; 
the man that carved that statue had a right to spind another six 
months on it an’ carve some clothes for it, an’ not have dacent, 
modesht people shocked out of their siven sinses wid things of 
this kind. I thought the Turkish woman down in the Midway 
was purty bad, wid her wobblin’ dance, but she had some dacency, 
for she had part of her body covered wid clothes.’ 

Then Mary Ann broke in, an’ says she, ‘ But ye musht re- 
member, maw, this is art, an’ it represents people of a long time 
ago, an’ ye musht make allowance for that.’ ‘Well,’ says I, ‘if 
that’s the case, this musht be a statue of Adam before Eve dis- 
covered the female fashion of wearin’ clothes.’ Thin I looked 
around an’ saw about a hundhred other statues, both males an’ 
females, an’ sorra wan o’ thim had as much coverin’ on thim as 
ye cud use for dhressin’ a pinny doll. 

‘ Come on out o’ this,’ says I to Mary Ann ; ‘ if this is 
phwhat they call art. I’ll have none of it.’ ^ Well, the guide 
argued wid me that there wor some very fine picthers in the 
other rooms, an’ I agreed to go in wid him. Phwhin we got into 
the first room, the very first thing I laid eyes on was a picther of 
a young gerrul shwimmin’ around in a pool o’ wather widout 
even a pair o’ bathin’ tights on. Phwin I saw that I med up me 
mind I’d go no further. ‘I’m done wid this! ’ says I. ‘ We’ll 
go back an’ look at the fiowers an’' the punkins an’ the machinery ; 
no more art for me.’ Wid that the guide gev a laugh like a 
horse, an’ says he, ^I’m very sorry, ma’am, that ye have no ap- 
preciation 01 art, but yer huzhband has. He’s been here ivery 


THE GOWANUSIAN8. 


161 


day this week, lookin’ at the objects on exhibition, an’ he seemed 
to enjoy it very ranch indade.’ 

“ Says I, thin, ‘ My huzhband an’ me is two different breeds. 
He comes from a low county in Ireland, an’ his tastes is the 
same ; but, as for me, I was born on the top of a hill in Galway, 
an’ I’ll shtick to me high-toned ideas till I die ! ’ Tliin I took 
Mary Ann be the arm an’ walked her out into the fresh air, an’ 
we took the cars an’ wint back to the Midway to have some fun. 

“ We ped twinty-five cints to go in to see a beauty show. 
There was forty women of different sizes an’ sthyles, wid signs 
liung up forninst thim tellin’ ph where they kem from. We walked 
around ’till we kem to the wan labeled Ireland, an’ I shtopped 
an’ shpoke to her. Says I, ‘ Phwhat part of Ireland are you 
from? ’ She looked at me an’ shook her head. ‘Begorra,’ says 
I to Mary Ann, ‘she musht be deaf an’ dumb. I niver saw an 
Irish woman yet that cudn’t give some kind of an answer phwhin 
a person shpoke to her ! Thin a woman in the next cage, that 
was labeled Russia, spoke to me in a regular Yankeefied accint, 
an’ says she, ‘ Excuse me, ma’am, but I’ll tell ye phwat’s the mat- 
ther; the Japanese gerrnl is sick to-day an’ the boss took the 
Irish gerrul an’ med her dhress herself up in the Japan ee’s clothes, 
an, he hired this German gerrul to riprisint Ireland in the mean- 
time; if ye want to have a talk wid the Irish gerrul, jusht walk 
along till ye come to phwhere it says Japan, an’ spake to her in a 
phwhishper, bekase the boss doesn’t want it known that he’s been 
changin’ things around like this, for fear ’twould hurt his busi- 
ness. 

“ So I wint up an’ sphoke to the Irish Japanee, an’ found her 
a very pleasant sphoken young woman, but, as far as beauty was 
concerned, the homeliest bulldog that iver stood on four legs cud 
give her cards an’ spades an’ beat her. 

“ Thin we wint out and sthrolled over to the Dahomey Vil- 
lage, phwhere the rale ginuine naygurs from Africa are, an’ I 
musht say that a dirtier lot o’ people I niver saw in all me life. 
They wor all gathered around the middle o’ the place lookin’ at 
a man killin’ a chicken for wan o’ their haythen sacrifices ; he cut 
the neck o’ the poor chicken wid a knife, so that the blood spilled 
all over the ground ; then he cracked the joints o’ the wings an’ 
legs before the bird was dead, an’ threw it on the ground; thin 
another big buck took a bottle o’ lager beer an’ shprinkled some 
of it over the chicken’s blood, at the same time mutterin’ prayers 
o’ some kind in the naygur language. I shouted at him not to 
11 


162 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


be wastin’ the good beer like that, an’ the first thing I knew two 
o’ the savages had a hould o’ me be the arms an’ before I end say 
Jack Robinson they landed me outside the gate, an’ phwhin I 
complained about it to wan o’ the sogers that’s all over the 
grounds, he said it served me right for interfarin’ wid their 
religion.” 

At this point of her narrative Mrs. Mulgrewgave a look at the 
clock, and seeing that it was a quarter past seven, jumped up and 
said to Mrs. McRrannigan : 

Ye’ll have to exskuse me from goin’ on wid the resht o’ me 
shtory, bekase I promised Mary Ann I’d be back at siven o’clock 
to go to the theater wid her ; she wants to go to see a Frinch play 
that’s goin’ on at the Park Theater.” 

“An’ shure ye don’t undherstand Frinch, Mrs. Mulgrew,” 
said Mrs. McBrannigan, with some surprise. 

Av coorse I don’t,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew, “ but ye don’t 
need to undherstand any language to undherstand this play, for 
they don’t spake a word the whole avenin’ ; the play is all shown 
be signs, an’ Mary Ann says we ought to go an’ see it, so I’m 
goin’ jusht to plaze her. I’ll be over some avenin’ early in the 
week to tell ye all about it. Good-night.” 

“ Good-night, Mrs. Mulgrew,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, and 
closing the door she went into the front room and slipped on her 
shawl to pay her nightly visit to Mrs. O’Dooley, whose better 
half is lying so near the boundary of that undiscovered country 
from which no traveler returns. 


) 


THE GOWANDSIANS. 


163 


CHAPTER XXXYII. 

An Interesting Stranger Makes His Appearance in 
Gowanus. 


‘‘ Hullo, Jigsy ! ” 

“Hullo, Slob; happy New Year.” 

“ Same to yerself ; where yer bound for ? ” 

“ Over to Mul’s, to do de brace act.” 

“ What ! going to try de ^ happy New Year ’ game ? ” 

“Yep.” 

“ Say, yer better not ; unless yer wanter hear somet’n drop.” 

“ Why ? Has de old man got a bug ? ” 

“ Has he? Why, he has a hull menagerie, wid a circus full o’ 
fleas trown in ; he’s as sour as a load o’ penny pickles, an’ I 
wouldn’t brace him for me New Year’s for $8 ; I tink we better 
wait till he gets a few balls into him, an’ den he’ll feel more 
good-natured an’ we kin give him a jolly, see ? ” 

“ Yep ; but wot was it dat put him on his ear ? ” 

“Well, last night, wen I was in de saloon talkin’ tolVfulgrew, 
a dead fly mug come in, dressed up like a sport, an’ he commenced 
givin’ Mul a game o’ talk dat near took him off his feet, see ? He 
was sayin’ a good deal about de Woild’s Fair at Chicago, an’ Mul 
says, ^ Don’t tell me nuttin’ about de Woild’s Fair, becuz I was 
dere, an’ I seen every ting in de place.’ ^Did yer see de flfty- 
foot corkscrew ? ’ says de dead fly mug, winkin’ at me. ‘ I did 
not,’ says Mul ; ^ where was it ? ’ ‘ In de Manufacturin’ buildin’,’ 
says his muglets de sport, wid a smile. ^ An’ wot use ud a flf ty- 
f oot corkscrew be ? ’ says Mulgrew, tinkin’ he had de fly mug 
where de hair was short. ‘Why, didn’t ye hear about it? ’ says 
de mug; Gt was bought be de Queen of jEngland, andey’regoin’ 
to use it pullin’ de Cork out of Ireland, see ? so dat de water kin 
rush in an’ swamp de hull place, an’ England ’ll never have any 
more trouble bodderin’ herself about Home Rule an’ all dat kind 
o’ nonsense, see ? ’ 

“ Well, wen Mulgrew heard dat I tought he’d drop in a faint, 
sure ; he turned red, white an’ blue ; first he was goin’ to get 


164 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


mad, but wen he seen how de laugh was on him, he set up de 
drinks for de crowd. 

“ Den de dead fly mug took a pack o’ cards out of his pocket 
and began to do some tricks wit dem dat he said he learned from 
a fakir in de Turkish Village at de Woild’s Fair. I tell yer he did 
some lulu stunts, an’ Mulgrew’s potato trap hung wide open, he 
was so kerflummixed lookin’ at him. Well, wen de fly mug had 
did several tricks he asked Mulgrew to make a bet wid him dat 
he couldn’t find a card after Mul had took it from de pack an’ 
looked at it an’ put it back again. 

‘‘Mulgrew tought dat was a dead cinch, so he put up a fiver, 
an’ de card juggler done de same, an den he shuffled de paste- 
boards as slick as any one I ever see, an’ got Mul to draw one ; 
wen Mul looked at it for about a half an hour, so’s to make sure 
of wot it wus, he put it back, an’ de mug shuffled de cards again, 
an’ in less dan tree shakes of a billy goat’s tail he held up de very 
card Mul had picked out, an’, of course, scooped in de five bones. 
He balled off de mob, dough, an’ den said it was about time for 
him to be skippin’, an’ he lit out.” 

“An wus his Mulgrewlets mad ? ” 

“Wus he mad? Well, I should sneeze! de maddest hatter 
dat ever woiked in a hat factory wusn’t in it wid him, an de 
woist of it is, he ain’t over ’t yet; wot made him so riley wus de 
fact dat he had gone all trough Chicago an de Woild’s Fair widout 
gittin’ skinned, an’ here wus a mug come in an’ skinned him out 
o’ five cases right over his own bar. Gee 1 I never heard him 
swear like he did las’ night ; he coised till he wus black in de 
face.” 

The above conversation took place on a street corner in 
Gowanus on New Year’s morning between “Slob” McTerrigan 
and “ Jigsy ” McDuff. 

In order to explain the first part of the chat, for the benefit 
of the uninitiated, I would say that it is the custom in Gowanus 
for the proprietors of the various places where liquid refreshment 
is dispensed, to give their regular customers a present of a bottle 
on New Year’s day, the size of which and the quality of its con- 
tents depending upon the amount of patronage the customer has 
bestowed upon the store during the year. 

It was to obtain this evidence of Mr. Mulgrew’s appreciation 
of his custom that Jigsy McDuff was on his way to the Mulgrew 
hostelry, when he was stopped by his friend Slob McTerrigan, 


THE G0WANHSIAN8. 


165 


who, being aware of Mr. Mulgrew’s fit of crankiness, warned Jigsy 
that he had “ better bide a wee.’’ 

While Jigsy and Slob were conversing Slob noticed a man 
coming up the street, and, interrupting Jigsy in the performance 
of one of his most intricate steps, said, very suddenly : 

Well, if dat ain’t de sunofagun dat done Mulgrew out o’ de 
fiver, I’m a goat, dat’s all.” 

Jigsy stopped jigging and gave vent to a long, low whistle at 
the fine clothes of the ‘^sunofagun,” who approached them with 
an easy, swinging gait which showed that he was feeling at per- 
fect ease, even among seemingly incongruous surroundings. 

“ It seems to me I’ve seen dat feller’s mug somewheres be- 
fore,” said Jigsy, as he knit his brows and began to think. 

“ Oh, no ; I guess yer off yer trolley dis time,” said Slob ; 
“he’s a Spaniard. Yer never seen one of his kind around dese 
diggins before. I wonder wot kind of a fiimfiam game his nibs 
is up to dis mornin’. I should tink he’d be satisfied wit makin’ 
a fiver outer Mulgrew las’ night, widout wantin’ to pull his leg 
for any more coin dis mornin’. Mulgrew is onto him now, an’ 
if he tries any more of his funny business he’s likely to git hoited, 
dat’s all.” 

The dark-skinned stranger, who was attired in a well-fitting 
Prince Albert suit, over which he wore a light-colored ulster of 
Irish frieze, which was thrown open so as to show the fancy plaid 
silk lining, crossed the street just as Slob was finishing his sen- 
tence, and. coming toward the two young men, bade Slob a pleas- 
ant good-morning. 

Slob, who felt highly flattered to think that the stranger whom 
he had classed as a “ dead fly mug” should have remembered him, 
nodded stiffly and replied, as cheerfully as his naturally tough 
nature would allow, “ Good-mornin’.” 

Then Slob spit a large mouthful of tobacco juice over into 
the gutter, which was about fifteen feet away, just to show that 
even the fact of his hobnobbing with such distinguished persons 
as “ dead fly mugs ” did not rob him of his natural ease of manner. 

“ Dis is me friend Jigsy McDuff, Mr. er, I didn’t ketch 

yer name las’ night,” said Slob, as he jerked his thumb over his 
shoulder in the direction of Jigsy, who was eyeing the stranger 
with the eyes of one who knows he has seen the person he is 
looking at and knows him as well as he does his own name, but 
cannot for the moment place him. 

“ Oh, it doesn’t matter,’’ said the stranger, smiling under his 


166 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


big bushy moustache. Everybody knows me as Flip— Jack Flip ; 
I’m pleased to meet your friend Mr. McDuff. 

“ Tanks,” said J igsy, as he resumed his dancing where he had 
left off when Slob interrupted him, at the same time keeping his 
eye on Flip in the same uneasy way as before. 

^ How is our Irish friend across the way, since last night ? ’’ 
asked the stranger, giving Slob a poke in the ribs to put him in 
good humor. 

He’s as mad as a bear wit a sore ear,” said Slob ; “ he’s goin’ 
round dis momin’ growlin’ as if he’d lost his best friend. I used 
to tink he was a dead game sport, but I see different now. Any- 
way, he don’t like to be bamboozled before de gang, see ? becuz 
it makes him look so foolish, an’ when a man gits lookin’ foolish 
in Growanus, he’s a dead loss, an’ doncher forgit it, see ? ” 

I was thinking of going over to try him on one or two 
other little games of mine,” said the suave stranger, “ just to give 
him a chance to get his money back, you know. I don’t want him 
to rest under the impression that he’s been robbed, you know.” 

“ I don’t tink yer cud drag him into any more guessin’ games 
wid a team o’ horses,’’ said Slob ; ‘‘ from de way he talked last 
night, I don’t tink it ud be safe for ye to go near de place at all.” 

“ Oh, nonsense ! ” exclaimed Mr. Flip. ‘‘ Come over, you and 
your friend McDuff, and we’ll have a drink or two with the old 
man. I’ll tell him a couple of Turkish stories that I heard in the 
Midway Plaisance, and I’ll guarantee to have him laughing in- 
side of five minutes.” 

Slob and Jigsy needed no second invitation, and in a few 
moments the trio was seated at a table in Mulgrew’s back room. 

Mr. Mulgrew came slouching in with a look on his face which 
meant that the stranger was not at all welcome, but when the 
stranger gave an order for three glasses of the very best brandy, 
the corners of Mr. Mulgrew’s mouth began to loosen, and when, 
after bringing them in, he was asked to partake of some of the 
beverage himself, a faint suspicion of a smile appeared upon his 
face. 

While he was out in the front part of the store getting the 
bottle and glasses, the slick stranger began the recital of a story 
of a very Midwayish fiavor, to which Slob and Jigsy listened 
with intense interest. 

While Mr. Mulgrew was placing the brandy bottle and the 
glasses on the table, he caught the drift of the story, and drop- 
ping unconsciously into a chair, listened as attentively as the 


THE GOWANUSIAHS. 167 

others, and when the salacious climax was reached, he laughed 
till the tears ran down his cheeks. 

The slick young man followed up his advantage by telling 
another tale of a similar character, only a little more so, and 
again Mr. Mulgrew gave way to unrestrained expression of his 
enjoyment. 

“Ha! ha! ha! that shtory was worth the five ye done me 
out of last night ! ” he exclaimed, when he could recover himself ; 
“’tis the funniest thing I iver heard.” 

The stranger told half a dozen more stories, some of them 
being (supposedly) adventures of a personal character which the 
narrator had gone through during his stay in Chicago, and his 
hearers were kept in a constant state of hilarity. 

While they were laughing at one of the stories, the back door 
leading from the hallway which communicated with the living 
apartments of the Mulgrews was opened a few inches, and Mrs. 
Mulgrew’s face appeared. 

She beckoned her husband over and consulted with him about 
what they would have for their New Year’s dinner; when she 
had finished, she glanced around the room, and when she caught 
the stranger’s eye he turned pale as a ghost and then as red as a 
beet ; the others looked on in astonishment. 

“ An ah, thin, Dushty O’Dowd, how is ivery tether linth o’ ye ? 
’Tis moighty glad I am to see ye back again from the World’s 
Fair!” was the salutation with which she greeted the dark- 
skinned stranger. 

Mr. Mulgrew dropped the glasses he was holding, to the floor 
and gazed at the stranger in astonishment, as he went over and 
shook Mrs. Mulgrew by the hand, and Slob and Jigsy looked at 
each other as much as to say, “Well, after dis we give up, see? ” 

The dark-skinned stranger, with the slick ways, and the en- 
tertaining stories, and the fine clothes and the big moustache was 
none other than their old neighbor and fellow Gowanusian 
Dusty O’Dowd. 


168 


THE GOWANUeiAN6. 


CHAPTER XXXVIll. 

Mr, Dusty O’Dowd Gives a Detailed Account of His 
Wanderings. 

When Mr. Mulgrew and Slob and Jigsy recovered from the 
first shock of surprise which had staggered them when they real- 
ized how they had been taken in by Dusty O’Dowd, they burst 
into a loud laugh, as though they were enjoying the best joke of 
their lives. Mrs. Mulgrew looked from one to the other in as- 
tonishment. She of course had not heard of the flimflamming ” 
of the night before, and consequently could not account for the 
peculiar actions of her husband and Messrs. McTerrigan and 
McDuff. 

Arrah, thin, phwhat’s the matter wid yez ? ” she asked, in 
surprise. “ Is it crazy ye all are ? makin’ such a fuss bekase I 
shook hands wid Dushty O’Dowd, that I met in Chicago all 
dhressed up in Turkey clothes ? Faith, I’m mighty glad he es- 
caped from the bloody brown blackguards wid his life, even if 
his skin is turned the same color as their own an’ his face an’ 
voice is changed so that his own mother wouldn’t recognize him.” 

Mr. Dusty O’Dowd made a low Turkish salaam toward Mrs. 
Mulgrew when she made this speech, which tickled the other men 
so much that they burst into another loud guffaw. 

That’s right, that’s right, ye gangof ignioramuses,” shouted 
Mrs. Mulgrew ; ’tis aisy seeing’ yez are not used to ginteel man- 
ners, or ye wouldn’t be laughm at Mister O’Dowd’s illegant fash- 
ion of bowin’ phwhin he’s compliminted ; begorra, I think if some 
o’ yez Gowanus tarriers wor put through a thrashin’ machine like 
the wans we saw at the World’s Fair in Chicago, yez ud come out 
at the other ind as tough as phwhin ye wint in ; niver mind ; me- 
self an’ Misther O’Dowd undherstands the etiquettery of foreign 
counthries, even if we have spint most of our lives in Gowanus, 
amongst goats an’ tarriers like yez ; phwhin we got a chance to 
thravel we med the most of it, an’ we can’t help feelin’ sorry for 
people that doesn’t know any betther than to laugh in the faces 
o’ their betthers phwhin they’re thryin’ to show thim how to be- 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


169 


have like ladies an’ gintlemin. Isn’t it the thruth I’m tellin’, 
Misther O’Dowd. 

Dusty made another low bow, even more elaborate than be- 
fore, which set the three “ tarriers” off again on another laugh, 
and when Mrs. Mulgrew saw that her sarcastic speech had had no 
effect, she bowed to Dusty with the air of a queen, and slammed 
the door, leaving herself on the outside of course ; but before she 
shut it she managed to throw a look of such intense scorn in the 
direction of Slob and Jigsy that these two worthies almost fell 
from their chairs with fright. 

When Mrs. Mulgrew had gone, the eyes of Mr. Mulgrew, 
Slob and Jigsy were immediately turned upon Dusty, who re- 
turned their stare with interest, and puffed clouds of smoke ceil- 
ingward from one of Mulgrew’s big, fat, five-cent cigars, with the 
air of a man who was quite used to being stared at, and took it 
as his due. 

Finally, when the silence threatened to become embarrassing. 
Dusty, with a peculiar movement of his jaw, shifted the cigar 
from the middle to the corner of his mouth, at the same time 
ejecting a mouthful of saliva with unerring aim into the recesses 
01 a large cuspidor, which stood in the corner, about fifteen feet 
from where he sat ; then, after the manner of people of great im- 
portance, he coughed once or twice to call attention to the fact 
that he was about to speak. 

The audience of three leaned forward, after the manner of 
heelers when a ward boss opens his mouth to give utterance to an 
opinion on some matter of local or national interest, and waited. 

Then Dusty O’Dowd, going back to the familiar lingo which 
was his language before he had enjoyed the advantages of a six 
months’ sojourn in the Midway Plaisance, addressed his hearers as 
follows : 

“Well, fellers, I suppose youse are wonderin’ how de devil I 
managed to pull de wool over yer eyes las’ night an’ do de fiim- 
fiani act on Mulgrew widout havin’ one o’ youse tumble to me 
little racket ; well, it’s just like dis, see ? Since I been away, you 
might as well say I been all around de woild an’ back again, 
dat’s all. 

“ Now, a mug cant’ go around de woild widout gittin’ some o’ 
de dots knocked off his topknot ; an’ dat goes, see ? In the foyst 
place I kin speak twelve languages. Of course, I can’t read dem 
nor write dem, but I kin hold up my end of de conversation wid 
any mug, no matter what part o’ de woild he comes from, except 


no 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


de place where de Polocker sheenies come from in Russia. Oh, 
gee whiz ! I come near losin’ tree or four o’ me front teet’ tryin’ 
to loin how to pernounce dem sheeny polock woids, an’ I had to 
give it up as a bad job. 

‘‘Wy, I’m so nsed to talkin’ foreign languages dat I didn’t 
know whedder I’d ever be able to come back to the good, old- 
fashioned style o’ talkin’ dat I was used to before I went away ; 
but youse kin see dat I kin talk de language o’ Gowanus just as 
well as well as if I never learned how to parley voo, or sprykensy 
Deitch ; am I right ? ” 

Mr. Mulgrew, Jigsy and Slob were so engrossed that they were 
unable to make any audible reply to Dusty’s question. They 
nodded their heads vigorously, however, and Dusty, after taking 
several puffs from his cigar, by way of inspiration, resumed : 

Well, de last time I was in Gowanus before dis, was las’ spring. 
I dropped in here to see Mulgrew, an’ I wus so well dressed dat 
he didn’t reckonise me. I wus woikin’ de race tracks over in 
Joisey den, as a tout, an’ wus makin’ plenty o’ de long green, but 
business got pooty bad after a while, an’ I made up my mind dat 
de best ting I could do was to make tracks for Chicago an’ take in 
de Woild’s Fair. 

^‘Well, I was pooty low down in de way of small change wen 
I started for de West, I kin tell you. I didn’t hire no private 
palace car, noton yer life. I jist laid around de railroad yards in 
J oisey City till I seen a good freight train startin’ out one night. 
I crept in tru de door of one o’ de cars dat wasn’t locked, an’ laid 
down an’ went to sleep. 

“ Wen I woke up I found dat I was locked in, an’ I commenced 
to git a little scared for fear I might starve to death before de 
car ud get to where it was goin’ ; but wen I looked around an’ 
seen what de car was filled wit’, I stopped worryin’ right den and 
dere. 

“ I guess de car was shipped from some wholesale grocery store 
in New York; dere was boxes an’ boxes of all kinds o’ stuff such 
as dey never tink o’ soilin’ in Gowanus groceries, an’ two or tree 
barrels of ale in de corner. 

I wus feelin’ kinder hungry just den, so I breaks open one 
o’ de boxes, an’ I finds it full o’ canned corned beef, and I busts 
anudder box dat was marked snow flakes, not knowin’ wot it 
might be, see ? An’ it toined out to be de daisiest milk crackers I 
ever chewed on ; say, if I didn’t have a royal good time I’m a 
goat, dat’s all, see ? 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


171 


‘‘Well, when I had me fill o’ de corned beef an’ crackers I wus 
feeling pooty thoisty, an’ just be de greatest good luck I found 
dat I had an old gimlet in me pocket, an’ I began to bore into 
one o’ de staves in one of de barrels of ale. 

“ It wus a pooty tough job, 1 kin tell youse, an’ I was pooty 
tired by de time de ale commenced squirtin’ out tru’ one of de 
holes I made, but I put me mug on top o’ de hole an’ swallow^ed 
froth an’ all until I wus as happy as a clam. 

“ Den I made some little pegs, an’ plugged up de gimlet 
holes in de barrel, an’ any time I wanted a drink after that all I 
had to do wus to pull one or two o’ de plugs an’ let her spout. 

“ I tell youse it was great. I could a lived dat way for a 
mont’, but some time after we left Joisey, I don’t know whedder 
it was tree days or a week ; I was full all de time ; de train come 
to a full stop, an’ after a while I heard somebody openin’ de 
door of de car, an’ wen it was open I heard him say, ‘ I guess one 
o’ dem ale barrels must ’a’ busted, Jim,’ an’ I looked out from be- 
hind a box an’ seen tree or four brakesmen standing dere, an’ a 
a station agent, and I knowed dat if dey laid dere lamps on me I 
was a gone goose, so I watched when dey wusn’t lookin’ and I 
give a runnin’ jump, an’ knocked down one or two o’ dem, an’ 
den put across lots as fast as I could sneak. I never ran so fast 
in my life, but I knew it was a case o’ six months if dey collared 
me, so I put on all de steam I could. 

Dey hollered at me to stop or I’d be shot, an’ dey fired brick- 
bats at me, but never touched me. Dey got tired runnin’ long 
before I did, I kin tell youse. I kep’ on runnin’ an’ runnin’ till I 
thought I’d drop dead sure, an I might ’a’ been running yet’ if it 
wasn’t for a stone wall I run up against, dat stopped me short. 

“ I laid dere like a dead man, for about tree hours, an’ den I got 
up an’ commenced explorin’. I walked for an hour, an’ come to a 
village, an’ found I was sixty miles from Chicago. 

“ Well, I slept in a stable that night, an’ de next mornin’ got 
me bearin’s an’ started to walk to Chicago. Well, say, you 
talk about a puddin’ ; if dat wusn’t a dead snap of a walk, I’m 
anudder. 

“ I had to grub fer somet’n’ to eat all de way along, but I 
made out pooty well. Every place I come to I used to ask how far 
it was to Chicago, and I was mighty glad after two or three days 
wen an’ old jay told me I was only fifteen minutes’ walk from 
de city. 

Well, sure enough, after walkin’ fora half an’ hour, I seen 


172 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


a sign dat said ‘ City Lots for Sale ” an’ I asked anudder jay- 
ha wRer if I wusin de city of Chicago, and he says, ‘ Yes, but dis 
part o’ de city is only just after bein’ annexed ; de centre part o’ 
de city is a good two days’ walk from here.’ 

Well, I found he was tellin’ de troot, for it was two 
days an’ a half later when I walked down Wabash avenne an’ seen 
de Eagle office, wid a lot o’ Brooklyn big mugs sittin’ round 
readin’ letters an’ telegrams an’ so on. 

“ I was just goin’ in to ask de manager if dere wus any cor- 
respondence for me royal jigsteps, but I remembered dat I hadn’t 
left me address wit any o’ me Brooklyn friends, an’ of course 
couldn’t expect to git any letters.” 

When Dusty reached this point in his narration he paused to 
relight his cigar, which had gone out, and Mr. Mulgrew, taking 
adv'antage of the interruption, excused himself, saying something 
about “this being very dhry talk,” and, going out to the bar, 
fetched in four large schooners of mixed ale, and when he had 
resumed his seat and his attentive air, Dusty cleared his throat with 
a good long pull at the schooner and resumed the narration of 
his adventures. 

“ Well,” continued Dusty, “I waltzed around de streets of 
Chicago for two or tree days, takin’ in de sights o’ de great city, 
but I soon found it didn’t pay for a cent. Dere wus about a hun- 
dred tousand udder blokes like mj^self, on de bum, see ? an’ I 
made up me mind dat I’d have to hustle or else fly de coop. 

“ I hocked almost everything but me shoit so’s to git grub an’ 
a night’s lodgin’ an’ kep’ huntin’ around de city for somt’n’ to do ; 
but nobody seemed to want me, becuz I didn’t understand de 
way dey had of doin’ business ; it is so different from de way we 
do it here in Gowanus; an’ besides I never loined a trade, an’ so 
I begun to tink I wus a dead loss, an’ dat de best ting I cud do 
would be to commit suicide.” 

This startling idea caused Dusty’s listeners to almost turn pale ; 
they leaned forward in their seats and looked well at him to make 
sure that it was a real live man who was talking to them and not 
a ghost. Dusty noted their interest with pride, and taking 
another puff on his cigar, went on : 

“Yes, fellers, it seems kinder foolish for a mug like me to 
talk like dat. Youse may say dat youse fought I had more sand 
an’ all dat, but wich one o’ youse wus ever let loose in a strange 
city, widout a friend or a cent in yer clothes ? It’s all O K w’en 
yer pocket is full o’ plunks an’ you kin stop at a foist class hotel an’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


173 


smoke big cigars wit’ red bands around dem an’ invite a hull gang 
o’ mugs in to have a drink a dozen times a day ; den’s de time yer 
right in it, see ? but when yer stomach t’inks yer t’roat’s been cut 
an’ begins to warble for some stirabout or clam chowder, or 
somet’n’ to keep it from curlin’ up an’ bustin’ — dat’s de time yer 
feel likedroppin’ dead for fair, an’ dat’s jist the way I felt, on de 
level. 

When I begun to tink it over, I found dat I didn’t have 
enough money to buy a revolver to shoot meself , an’ I tought it 
ud be too much of a cruelty to put rough on rats into an empty 
stomach. I was feelin’ too bad in dat section already, so I made up 
me mind dat de best ting I could do was to go an’ drown rne- 
self. 

‘‘Well, 1 walked along one o’ de principal streets for along 
ways, an’ finally come to a bridge, an’ I says to a mug. ‘ Wot’s dis, 
a canal?’ an’ he says ‘Naw, dat’s de Chicago river.’ Well, I’ll 
take me solemn breakfast, I give one look at de river an’ I got 
one smell of it, an’ an’ gev up me notion o’ suicide right away. 

“ Say, we tink de Gowanus canal is pooty dead rotten in de per- 
fumery way, but lemme tell yer, it ain’t one two six wit de 
Chicago river ; wy, de Gowanus canal, even at dead maggotty 
low tide, smells like a bottle o’ Florida water compared wit de 
Chicago river, an’ dat’s straight. 

“Dere may be some pleasure in drownin’ yerself in good, clean, 
fresh salt water, but as for swallowin’ any o’ dat open sewer, I 
couldn’t bring meself to do it, an I turned on me way out toward 
de fair grounds in Jackson Park, tinkin’ dat maybe somet’n 
might toln up for me out dere dat would change me luck. 

“ Well, when I got nearde fairgrounds, I seen dat it wus like 
Coney Island on a small scale ; dere wus fakirs of all kinds yellin’ 
an’ hollerin’ for alldey were worth, an’ jayhawkers by de million, 
passin’ by, an’ buyin’ tings to bring home to prove dey was at de 
Woild’s Fair, when dey never shoved their noses inside de gate. 

“ I wus passin’ by a museum, an’ I stopped to look at a mug 
dat wus barkin’ outside de door, tryin’ to steer de jays into de 
place ; he had a hummer of a voice, or wot wus left of one, an’ he 
was shoutin’ as hard as he could. 

“ While I wus watchin’ him I seen him growin’ paler an’ 
paler, an’ his voice got weaker an’ weaker, until all of a sudden 
he gev a whoop an’ dropped dead. 

“ I helped to carry him inside, an’ when de proprietor of de 
musee seen dat he wus a goner he wus wild. He says, “ Only 


174 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


yistiday I give him a week’s wages in advance, an’ now, before 
he has one day of it earned, he goes to woik an’ has de gall to 
drop dead ; some men ain’t got no more honesty about dem dan 
a log o’ wood ; if he’d only waited till de end o’ de week before 
he done dis,’ he says, ^ I wouldn’t ’a’ minded it so much ; an’ I ain’t 
got nobody to take his place, eider ; I brung him all de ways from 
Coney Island, an’ he wus de best barker in Chicago. I don’t 
know wot I’m goin’ to do at all.’ 

‘‘ Den an idea strikes into me noddlebox an’ I takes him aside 
an’ I says to him, ‘ Look here, old man, I tink I kin fill de dead 
mug’s shoes ; I wus born an’ brung up about eight miles from 
West Brighton, an’ I know all de ropes dat dey uses on de Bow- 
ery for steerin’ yams into de dives dere,’ I says, ‘ an’ besides I’m 
almost starvin’ for somet’n to eat, an’ I got to git somet’n to do or 
I’ll drop dead in me tracks like his muglets dat’s after skinnin’ 
you out of six days’ wages ; I won’t ask yer for no wages in 
advance,’ I says ; ‘ all I want is a good square meal to start on, an’ 
I’m good for any amount o’ hollerin’ pervidin’ de good square 
meals is kep up ; is it a go ? ’ 

“ He sized me up, an’ in about half a shake he slapped me on 
de back an’ near broke me in two. ‘ It is a go,’ he says ; ‘ all yer 
got to do is to speak in dat dialect dat yer usin’ now ; it’s somet’n 
dat’s never been heard in Chicago, an’ if you ain’t able to gadder 
a crowd wit it, den I’ll go out o’ de show business, dat’s all.’ 

“ So he takes me to a beanery an’ tells me to fill up as soon as 
possible, an’ report for duty right away ; well, say, make out I 
didn’t make dat bill o’ fare look sick in about fifteen minutes. I 
wus full of everyting, from soup to cheese, an’ I went back to de 
musee an’ reported for duty. 

“ De boss put me up on a big box in front o’ de door an’ told 
me to let her go, an’ I did ; well, in less dan no time I had such 
a big gang standin’ aroun’ listenin’ to me dat de rest of de fakirs 
tought dere wus a fight or a riot or somet’n goin’ on, an’ when I 
finished me little speech de hull gang made a break for de ticket 
office an’ de place wus so crowded dat de people could scarcely 
breathe. 

“ De way I managed was like dis: I didn’t make a loud noise, 
like de udder fakirs ; I jist talked to de yahoos in a low voice 
wit a confidential twist to it, an’ told dem dat we had de greatest 
show on earth inside, dat it was only for men, an dat if dere 
wives ever heard dat dey had been dere, dey’d be lookin’ for 
a divorce de next day. Well, de way dem suckers swallowed de 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


175 


soft sawder was a caution, and de musee did a bigger business dan 
any udder place on de block, becuz when the jays went in an’ 
found out how dey had been fooled, an’ dat everything in de 
museum was straight and reg’lar, an’ dat dere wusn’t a single 
sneaky ting in the show, instid of goin’ for my wool, dey stood 
around an’ recommended udder jayjohns to go in an’ see de show, 
an’ den had de laugh on dem when dey come out. 

De boss wus so pleased wit me an’ de way I fooled de yams, 
dat when we closed up at night he come to me an’ he give me a 
five-dollar bill an’ he says, ^ Yer outersight, see ? an’ I’ll engage 
you at $20 a week for de hull summer, pervidin’ de business 
keeps up to de mark dat it’s been at to-day, see ?’ 

“ Well, I was so dumbstruck dat I didn’t know what to say to 
him, but I reached out for de five, just de same, an’ said I was 
much obliged, or some foolish ting like dat, an’ went out an’ had 
a good supper and hired a good comfortable room in a thirty- 
second class hotel near by, so’s to have a good night’s sleep to 
prepare me for de next day’s woik.” 

Here Dusty drew a long breath, and raising his schooner of 
mixed ale to his lips drained it to the bottom, and giving a deep 
sigh of satisfaction ordered Mr. Mulgrew to fill ’em up again,” 
as all hands, following his example, had drained their glasses 
simultaneously. 

When Mr. Mulgrew returned with the ale Dusty settled back 
in his chair and resumed his story. 

“ I got up de next mornin’ an’ had me breakfast an’ reported 
for woik, an’ had de same luck as I had de day before ; gee 
whiz ! what a daisy time I had looking at dem farmers troopin’ 
in to de musee, an’ watchin’ de disgusted looks on dere hay- 
colored mugs wen dey come out ; I wus laughin’ inside all de 
time at dem, an’ de boss had a smile on his face a yard and a half 
wide as he seen the ten cent pieces droppin’ into the ticket office ; 
I tell youse dey done a magnif business, an’ all on account o’ me 
royal jigsteps knowin’ how to fool de jays. 

“ Dis kind o’ ting went on for a week, an’ at de end o’ dat 
time, I got me $20 an’ felt like a millionaire ; I tell youse I wus 
glad I didn’t chuck meself into de Chicago river ; mighty glad, 
becuz I commenced to feel dat it was a good deal better to be a 
live barker dan a dead, water-soaked bundle o’ mud, floatin’ 
around in dat dirty river, waitin’ for de police boat to pick me up 
an’ carry me to de morgue, an’ after layin’ dere for a week to be 


176 


THE GUWANUSIANS. 


chucked into a hole in de ground, witout so much as a wake or a 
funeral to make me feel dat dyin’ wusn’t so hard after all. 

‘‘ One day durin’ my second week at de musee, I seen an old 
feller wit a red cap on his head an’ a dark-brown skin an’ a ciga- 
rette in his mug, standin’ in de crowd, payin’ great attention to 
what I wus sayin’. I tought I would give him a jolly, an’ I says, 
‘ Hello, Turkey, dis is de place for you; step right inside an’ see 
for yerself.’ Well, he bowed an’ went in, an’ when he come out 
he wus smilin’ like a baboon, and he come over to me an’ he says, 
‘ Say, young feller, what time do you go to yer dinner ? ’ An’ I 
says ‘ at 1 o’clock,’ jist for politeness, tinkin’ he was going to 
spring a gag on me. ‘ Well,’ he says, ‘ if you have no objections 
I’d like you to have dinner wit me at de corner here ; I’ll be dere 
at 1 o’clock. I got a proposal to make to you, an’ I tink you’ll 
find it’ll be money in yer pocket if you meet me.’ 

Well, I wusn’t goin’ to let a chance like dat go by, so I 
promised de Turk I’d meet him at de hotel at de corner right on 
time. I told him to have de dinner ordered, fur I wus only al- 
lowed twenty minutes for meals, becuz the musee done a dead 
slow business while I was away. 

When 1 o’clock come I jumped down off me poich an’ hustled 
around to de hotel, an’ sure enough, dere was his jaglets waitin’ 
for me wit de same old smile. 

“We went in an’ dere was a reg’lar jim lulu dinner on de 
table fit for the Prince o’ Wales. We began to swallow it 
right away, an’ while we were eatin’ he gimme a game o’ talk 
dat nearly took|away me appetite.” 


THE G0WANUSIAN8. 


177 


CHAPTEK XXXIX. 

Dusty Tells How He Went to Work in the Midway 
Plaisance. 

‘‘ Yessiree,” repeated Dusty, gazing earnestly at his listeners 
to impress the fact upon their minds that he was telling them 
some honest truth ; de proposition dat dat Toik laid before me 
almost took away me appetite. 

“ He says to me, he says, ‘ Young man, I been noticin’ yer for 
de last week, doin’ yer little stunt in front o’ de dime museum 
up de street, an’ I wanter tell yer right here an’ now dat yer a 
Jim hickey.’ 

“Of course,” added Dusty, “he didn’t use demwoids exactly 
in speakin’ to me about de hit I made wid him ; he was a well- 
educated Toik, an’ spoke English like a boid ; but I’m tellin’ it to 
youse dis way so’s youse’ll have no trouble in understandin’ de 
nature of de conversation we had togedder ; see ? ” 

Mr. Mulgrew, Slob and Jigsy nodded assent, and Dusty, seeing 
that they were not at all offended at his good intention, went 
on : 

“Well, as I wus sayin’, de Toik went on to gimme a game o’ 
talk about wot a Jim lulu mug I wus at the barkin’ business, an’ 
of course every time he gimme a jolly I’d swallow a pinch o’ salt 
so dat his taffy wouldn’t toin me stomach, see ? an’ wen he had 
de road well paved for his proposition, he says to me, he says, 
‘ How much a week are youse gittin’ from de mug dat runs de 
musee ? ’ 

“ ‘ Well,’ I says, ‘ I don’t know as it’s any o’ yer particler busi- 
ness, but I don’t mind tellin’ yer dat I’m pullin’ about thoity a 
week out o’ de job ; I tought dere was no harm in puttin’ on a 
few cases, as long as he wus so inquisitive an’ so nosey about it. 

“ ‘ Come, come,’ he says, ‘ wot are yer givin’ us? Is dat on 
de level? Ain’t yer pilin’ on de agony a little dere, my young 
friend ? ’ 

“ Den I made believe to git mad, an’ I says : ‘ If yer don’t 
wanter believe wot I’m tellin’ yer, yer know jist wot yer kin do, 
don’t yer? Wot’s all dis game o’ guff about, any way ? ’ I says. 

12 


178 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


‘ My time is^valuable, me forrin friend, an’ if yer want any more 
information you’ll have to ask yer questions mighty quick, for 
I only got a few more minutes to eat, an’ den I got to git right 
back to business, see ? ’ 

“Well, wen he seen dat I wus gittin’ woiked up, he says: 
‘ Oh, now, see here ; dere ain’t no use gittin’ hot under de collar 
jist because I said dat. Of course I don’t doubt yer woid,’ he 
says ; ^ but here in Chicago lyin’ is a ketchin’ as de measles, an’ I 
wus afraid yer might have inhaled some o’ de microbes an’ caught 
de disease.’ 

“ ‘ No, siree,’ I says, ‘I ain’t been here long enough to ketch 
anything but suckers, an’ I ketched enough o’ dem durin’ de 
past week to keep dat snide musee full to de doors from eight 
o’clock in de mornin’ till twelve at night, see ? Ketchin’ suckers 
is my specialty. D’ye ketch ? ’ I says, lookin’ him square in de 
eye. 

“ He nodded his head, an’ I says, ‘ Well, as long as yer onto 
dat fact, I suppose it wus in regards to somet’n’ of der same 
nature dat youse invited me to dine wit yer to-day, wusn’t it? ’ 

“ Den he stopped eatin’ right dere, an’ he got as serious as a 
judge wen he’s askin’ yer to give an account of how yer got yer 
jag, an’ he says, ‘ Yes, 1 invited you to eat wit me so’s we could 
discuss a little matter o’ business ; now, of course you don’t know 
who I am, but I’ll tell yer before I go any furder. I’m de gen- 
eral manager o’ de hull Toikish business over here in the Midway 
Plaisance, see ? Now, we got some outer-sight women dancers 
over dere, but de public ain’t on to wot dey can do, and de busi- 
ness ain’t been as good as it ought to be ; so I been lookin’ 
for a barker dat kin talk to de people passin’ by in sich a way 
dat dey’ll find demselves driftin’ in to see de show wedder dey 
want to or not. I tink you are jist de poyson I been lookin’ for, 
an’ I wanter make a proposition here an’ now dat you come over 
dere and woik for me, an’ I’ll give yer thoity-five plunks a week 
to start, an’ if de business picks up in de way I hope it will under 
your direction. I’ll advance yer as de season goes on. I mean to 
do de square ting by yer, if you do de same by me ; is it a go ? ’ 

“ Well, say, fellers, dat’s de time I come near chokin’; de idea of 
pullin’ de wool over de old Toik’s eyes, so that he believed I wus 
rakin’ thoity bones a week out o’ de musee manager, when I wus 
only gittin’ twenty, give me sich a shock dat I near fell off me seat ; 
but I managed to carry out de bluff, an’ I says to him, ‘ W ell, I don’t 
know wedder to take youse up or not. I have a good place where I 


THE G0WANU8IANS. 


179 



Dusty O'Dowd on the Midway. 



180 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


am, an’ I don’t like to leave me boss in the loich ; he took me in to 
hll a dead man’s shoes, an’ it seems kinder mean to throw him down 
like dis.’ 

‘ Ah, come off,’ he says ; ^ it’s easy seein’ you ain’t been in 
Chicago long, or you wouldn’t have dem silly notions ; dey 
have an entirely different readin’ of de golden rule here,’ he says, 
‘ from what dey have in New York ; instid o’ sayin’ Do unto 
udders as you would have dem do unto you,” dey say, “ Do 
udders, or dey’ll do you wit bote feet,” see ? Besides,’ he says, 
‘ tink o’ de good times you’ll have over dere in de Midway ; dem 
Toikish goyls is regular jim lulas, an’ wen dey see wat crowds o’ 
people you bring into de show wit yer guff on de outside, dey’ll 
git dead stuck on yer an’ don’t yer forgit it. Besides, you’ll have 
a chance to loin all de different la)iguages, an’ wen ye go back to 
New York, yer friends won’t be in it wit yer ; wy it ud be money 
in yer pocket to come over dere and woik for me for nottin’, an’ 
here I am, offerin’ you a salary dat’s a dazzler ; wat do yer say ? ” 

Well, I thought for a minute, an I says, ‘Well, I’ll tell you 
wot I’ll do ; I’ll finish out de week at de museum, an’ study up 
some new jollys to give dem over at your place, an’ I’ll come to 
woik for yer next week.’ 

“ He says ‘ All right,’ an’ as me time wus up I run back, 
an’ I wus feelin’ so good all de afternoon dat I lied to de jays as 
fast as Maud S. could trot, an’ de musee wus so crowded dat dey 
had to lock de doors several times to keep de reubens from 
crushin’ each udder to death. 

“ Well, it went on in de same way every day till de end o’ 
me second week, an’ wen I got me twenty simoleons from de boss, 
I told him I was goin’ to sneak over to de Toikish village to 
bark in front o’ de Toikish dance ; an’ say, wusn’t he wild ? 
Well, I should sizzle ! he near lost his 'mind. 

He argued with me for an hour and a half, and offered me 
thirty bones a week to stay, but I had me mind made up to investi- 
gate dem Toikish people, an’ I give him de freeze an’ skipped. 

“ De next mornin’ I went over to de place where de Toik told 
me to go, an’ dere he wms, as smilin’ an’ happy as a woman 
wit a new bonnet, an’ he gimme me instructions an’ tole me 
jist wot I wus to do. 

“ He says : ‘ Don’t be afraid to give it to dem strong, becuz no 
matter how much you lay it on, you won’t be tellin’ half de truth ; 
dere’s no fake about dis show ; an’ wen you tell the jays dat 
dey’re goin’ to see somet’n spicy, you’ll be tellin’ dem wot’s jist so, 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


181 


nothin’ more or less, an in order dat you may be able to describe 
de performance. I’ll take you up-stairs an’ have de goyls give a 
rehoysal jist for yer private benefit. 

Well, he took me up-stairs an’ called de goyls out an’ spoke 
some woids to dem in Toikish, an’ dey looked over at me an’ smiled, 
an’ den some old mugs commenced playin’ some bum music, an’ 
one o’ de goyls began wabblin’ around de stage in de funniest 
game o’ dance I ever saw in me life; it was somet’n like dis.’’ 

Here Dusty stood up and began a very awkward, though highly 
realistic imitation of the danse du ventre, at which Slob and 
Jigsy gazed in open-mouthed surprise, and which made Mr. Mul- 
grew fairly glow with pleasure. 

“ That’s it ; that’s it, Dushty,’ he exclaimed ; ‘ oh, dear me, 
how that brings back the World’s Fair to me ! 1 used to go to that 
Turkish theayther ivery day, to see thim gerruls, until wan day 
the ould woman kem in an’ discovered me, an’ afther that I 
didn’t get a chance to go at all at all. My, oh my, phwhat foine 
dancers they wor, to be be sure ! ’ ” 

Here Dusty concluded his exhibition and sat down, and as a 
reward for his revival of Mr. Mulgrew’s pleasant recollection of 
the black corner of the White City, the smiling saloon-keeper 
went out and brought in three cigars, which Dusty distributed, 
handing one to each of the other gents and keeping the largest 
and blackest one for himself. 

But,” resumed Dusty, when he had started his cigar, ‘‘ de 
foyst dancer wusn’t a coycumstance to de second one dat got up 
when she got trough; she wus a boyd for fair; de old man 
told me her name wus Farida, an’ you may know how choice 
she wus, when she wus prevented from dancin’ in New York, as 
soon as she began, by de police, an’ de New York police kin stand 
almost anything. 

‘‘Well, when she wound up her performance an’ gev a look 
at me, I wus mighty glad I gev up de job at de musee, because 1 
seen she was plum stuck on me an I would ’a’ been glad to bark 
for me board an’ beer money, jist for de sake of havin’ her trow 
her peepers over my way like dat once a day. 

“ When de dance wus over I didn’t know whedder I was 
on me head or me feet, but de old Toik gimme a slap on de 
back an says, ‘ Come out ; dere’s no time to lose ; git up on dat box 
outside an’ start yer lecture, an’ don’t forgit wot I told yer about 
layin’ it on pooty thick. Brace up now an’ let her go.’ 


182 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTER XL. 

Dusty’s Extraordinary Adventures as a “ Barker ” in 
Front of the Danse Du Ventre. 

Mr. Mulgrew leaned forward when Dusty told of how the 
boss Turk had slapped him on the back, telling him to brace 
up an’ let her go ” ; his face was a study, expressing, as it did, 
the superiority he felt over Slob and Jigsy, who had not seen the 
wonders of the great Chicago fair, and particularly those of the 
Midway Plaisance, and could not, therefore, enjoy this narration 
of Dusty’s with the high appreciation of the details which he felt 
himself. 

“Well, I went outside,” resumed Dusty, “ an’ I got upon a 
big soap-box an’ commenced to holler a speech somet’n like dis : 
Step up, gents, an’ see de greatest curiosity dat ever was put on 
de face o’ de eart’ ! A real live cow wit two heads, seven legs 
an’ four tails ; a fat woman weighin’ 1,299^- pounds ; a thin man 
dat don’t weigh anything at all ; he lives on wind puddin’ an’ air 
sauce ; he’s so thin dat he kin go tru a rain storm witout gittin’ 
wet ; to-day he will git married to de fat woman, an’ all it costs 
youse is a quarter of a dollar to see de hull business. Dere is 
also on exhibition de original coat worn be de man dat struck 
Billy Patterson, an’ de two-dollar bill dat he struck him for ; 
dere are also many udder curiosities too numerous to mention, 
including a dressmakin’ bill amountin’ to only $6.60, wich was 
found in de hand of a man dat dropped dead from surprise ; you 
will also see de famous paintin’, on exhibition for de foyst time, 
representin’ Christopher Columbus tryin’ to discover de pocket 
in his wife’s dress ; likewise you will see de man dat never heard 
de song of ‘ Two Little Girls in Blue,’ an’ a collection of de 
sloppy wedder mugs dat wrote de poetry about ‘ Beautiful 
Snow.’ 

“ ‘You will see among dis great world of wonders a man dat kin 
thread a needle without blindin’ himself, an’ a woman dat kin 
drive a tenpenny nail witout maskin’ her thumb into a jelly ; you 
will see a professor of magic who can turn a glass of wine into a 
glass of water, or turn a glass of beer into a man ; you will see de 


THE GOWANIJSIAN8. 


183 


champeen mean man on exhibition ; he is de fellow dat rubbed a 
crust o' bread on his throat an’ fed it to his children as Adam’s 
apple pie ; he wears high collars to save de expense of havin’ to 
wash his neck wit soap ; he makes his family live in a cellar, 
because flats nowadays are so high, an’ he sleeps in the open air 
for a week every spring so’s to ketch an attack o’ de chills, an’ 
while he has dem he makes money shakin’ cai’pets. 

“ ‘ We also have de champeen smarty of de country, or in fact, 
of de hull woild ; he has been known to git de best of a sheeny 
in a horse deal, an’ he kin swear dat he has winned money in a 
Coney Island crap game, an’ at de Guttenburg race track ; I 
might also mention dat we have here de man dat has never been 
known to ask anybody, ‘ Is it hot enough for you ? ’ or ‘ Is it cold 
enough for you ? ’ Of course he’s been deaf an’ dumb ever since 
he wus born, but dat’s where de joke comes in, see ? All dese 
an’ many udder tings I can’t tink of, gents, we have on exhibition ; 
gadder up close to me, an’ I’ll tell youse all about dem ! ” 

Slob, Jigsy and Mr. Mulgrew laid back in their chairs and 
screeched with laughter, as Dusty rolled this odd speech out in an 
impressive, museum-orator fashion, and when their merriment 
had subsided somewhat. Dusty continued : 

When I come to dat part o’ de speech, de jayhawkers 
crowded all around de box, I guess about two hundred o’ dem, 
an’ I addressed dem in a more confldential manner, witout any 
o’ de flourishes at all. 

“ I looks every man jack o’ dem square in de eye, an’ I says, 
in de same voice dat I used outside at de musee, I says : ‘ Looket 

here, fellers, I wus oney givin’ youse a jolly in dat long-winded 
speech o’ mine, see ? Dis ain’t no museum, boys, wit fat women 
an’ skeleton dudes sittin’ around, tryin’ to sell youse dere 
pitchers — not much ; dis is de greatest show on earth, bar none ; 
we have up-stairs a collection of de rarest beauties from de courts 
of Europe, Asia, Africa an’ Toikey, dressed in costumes dat 
cannot be described, but must be seen to be appreciated. Don’t 
forgit to fetch yer microscopes along to examine de costumes, an’ 
besides dese beautiful an’ wonderful costumes you will see de 
most wonderful dancin’ dat wus ever done on any stage, or off 
eider, for dat matter ; I never seen anything like it meself, 
although I live right near Coney Island when I’m home. I seen 
it dis mornin’. Fm givin’ it to youse straight, dat oney for de 
tremenjus salary dat de boss is givin’ me to stand out here an’ 
talk about it, I’d spend all me time up-stairs lookin’ at it ; wy. 


184 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


dis is de dance dat wus danced in front of Solomon an’ Gomorrer, 
regularly tree an’ four times a day ; an’ dat’s wot made dose old 
ducks live so long ; as long as dey could, see, dey kep’ lookin’ at 
de dancers, an’ it wuz oney when dey got stone blind from old 
age, an’ couldn’t see de goyls doin’ dere specialty, dat dey got 
tired of livin’.’ ” 

“ ‘ I tell youse, men, it’s like a new lease o’ life to see dis dance. 
Dere ain’t no vulgar high kickin’, nor no serpentine foolishness 
about it, but I’ll guarantee dat ef youse don’t find it de spiciest 
ting youse ever seen. I’ll give youse back yer money, dat’s all. 
All I want to tell youse is dat if youse expect to see a Sunday- 
school class in session, or a lot o’ trained ponies, don’t go up 
stairs; save yer money an’ take a ride in de Ferris wheel, or 
spend it for Hygeia water, or go in and see de forty beauties 
across de way ; dis ain’t no show for sloppy-wedder mugs at all ; 
dis is a show for sports, an’ any sport dat has a quarter’s worth o’ 
sportin’ blood in his body an’ misses seein’ dis show ought to 
spend de rest of his life kickin’ himself for bein’ such a blame 
fool.’” ^ ^ . 

Here Dusty puffed vigorously on his cigar, and as he watched 
the clouds of smoke rising toward the ceiling, he went on : 

“Well, youse ought to seen de rush dat ye yams made for de 
door when I got tru talkin’ ; dey tore de coats off each udder’s 
backs tryin’ to git near de man dat wus sellin’ de tickets for de 
dance, an’ when de boss Toik saw dat he come out an’ chucked 
his arms around me neck an’ cried like a baby, he was so glad. 

“Some o’ de Reubens in dat batch stayed in de place all day 
long, and when de show wus over at night dey looked as if dey 
had been in a trance for a week, an’ we almost had to kick dern 
out, so’s we could lock up de theayter. 

“Well, I kep’ up me barkin’ all dat day, and when we closed 
up de Toik come to me, an’ he says, ‘ Mister O’Dowd,’ he says, 
‘ yer a dead sure winner. I’m a tousand times obliged to yer for 
de way you done yer little act to-day, an’ as for de goyls, dey’re 
almost standin’ on dere heads wit’ delight on account o’ de big 
business, because de bigger de crowd de more elastic dey kin be, 
an’ de better dey kin dance.’ 

“ Den he called de goyls out, an’ dey began to tell me how 
glad dey wus dat I wus woikin’ for de boss, an’ I never felt so 
foolish in me life ; I wus afraid dat dey was all goin’ to imitate 
de boss an’ chuck dere arms around me neck ; dey didn’t, but de 
looks dey gave me almost toined me hair gray. 


THE (^OWANUSIANS. 


185 


woiked every day at de same game, havin’ a new gang to 
operate on, an’ I improved de speech so dat I had de jays’ mouts 
waterin’ before I had got half ways tru it, an’ half de time 
dey wouldn’t wait for de end, dey wus so dead anxious to see wot 
wus goin’ on up-stairs, an’ I was just as glad, because I could com- 
mence again on a fresh crowd. 

“I tell youse, de business we done wus enormous; some- 
times I’d have to stop barkin’ for an hour at a time to give de 
crowd a chance to thin out a little in the theayter, an’ den I’d 
start her up again, an’ in less dan no time dere wouldn’t be 
breathin’ room, an’ a line half a mile long waitin to git in. 

“ I used to have lots o’ fun watchin’ de behavior o’ de differ- 
ent people dat come in to see de dance ; it was funny, de effect it 
had on dem. I seen blokes dat looked as if dey was reg’lar 
Methydist or Baptist choich deacons when dey wus home, an dey’d 
anchor in a seat an’ stay, an’ stay, an’ stay, an’ see de dance over 
an’ over an’ over again ; dey’d forgit to eat dere meals even, an’ 
dey used to kick like steers when we’d remind dem dat we weren’t 
runnin’ a boardin’-house, an’ dat dey’d have to vacate to make 
room for de udder gents dat wanted to see de show. 

‘‘ Wy, I’ve seen dese johnny jays, after bein’ fired out de 
back door, where de exit wus, come up smilin’ five minutes later 
at de front door, pay a quarter, an’ start in again to play de same 
game, an’ it wus only be hustlin’ dem in an’ out like dat dat we 
managed to make so much money. 

‘‘ iJen dere wus de udder kind o’ people dat wus alwuss apolo- 
gizin’ to one anudder about bein’ in dere lookin at de show, 
cloigymen of every choich, dead respectable mugs of all kinds, 
an’ even women used to troop in, an’ if dey happened to recko- 
nize each udder wen dey got inside dey’d explain it be sayin’ dat, 
of course, dey didn’t know it was sich a fiy game, an’ wusn’t it 
horrible ! an’ dey didn’t see how de authorities permitted sich an 
exhibition, an’ so on, an’ at de same time keepin’ dere peepers 
fastened right on de Toikish wrigglers, an’ in a good many cases 
havin’ opera glasses to help dem to see it better, an’ almost havin’ 
a fit every time de dancers give any kind of an extry twist. Dem 
was de mugs dat used to make me sick. I didn’t mind de jay- 
hawkers, because dey didn’t know no better, an’ dey didn’t need 
to apologize to nobody, but de dead respectable mugs dat apolo- 
gized for bein’ dere wit’ one side o’ dere mouts, an’ whistled for 
more wit’ de udder side, dey used to give me sich a pain dat I 
had a stiff neck de hull time I wus woikin’ dere.’’ 


186 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


At thig point Dusty’s threat got parched again, and he gave 
Mr. Mulgrew instructions to till the schooners, and when he had 
taken a good pull at the foaming beverage he resumed the narra- 
tion of his interesting adventures. 


( 


THE GOWANUSTANS. 


187 


CIIAPTEE XLL 

How Dusty Ran Foul of Comstock, and Had to Leave 
His Position. 

Well,” resumed Dusty, shaking the ashes from the end of 
his cigar, with a dexterous movement which is only acquired by 
long practice, and settling back m his chair with the air of one 
who knows he has got his audience “ dead to rights,” 1 had de 
greatest time I ever had in me life, for two hull weeks, barkin’ 
in front o’ de Toikish dance hall, but one day, somet’n happened 
dat busted up de hull game an’ spoiled me snap for de rest o’ de 
season.” 

The audience of three leaned forward again, as they had done 
many times before, and sat open-mouthed at this startling piece 
of information. 

“ It happened like dis,” said Dusty. wus right in de mid- 
dle of a speech one mornin’ talkin’ to a lot o’ Western yams, an’ 
I seen one old bloke dat seemed to be terribly interested in every 
t’ing I wus sayin’, an’ as he had a mug like a reg’lar farmer, 1 
jist laid meself out on him. I tickled his whiskers an’ laid on de 
taffy about de dance as t’ick as I could make it. Gee whiz ! 
youse ought to seen de way he swallowed de guff an’ de way he 
smiled wen he heard me tellin’ de jays about de wonderful dance 
de venture (which is de French name for de game dat de goyls 
wus playin’). I tell youse it wus great.” 

“ Wot did dey call it de dance de venture for ? ” queried Jigsy 
McDuff, who was growing restive under the long restraint he had 
been subjected to on account of the interesting nature of Dusty’s 
narrative. 

I’m not sure,” answered Dusty, but I guess it was because 
dey ventured so near de limits of decency wen dey wus dancin’ ; 
dat’s de only meanin’ I could ever see in de name.” 

‘‘ It don’t make a bit o’ difference phwhat the meanin’ o’ the 
words is, Dushty,” said Mr. Mulgrew, as a sort of rebuke for 
Jigsy ’s interruption ; “go on wid the shtory.” 

“ Well, as I wus sayin’,” said Dusty, “ I wus layin’ it on for 
all I wus woith dat day, for de benefit o’ de gang o’ yahoos dat 


188 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


was listenin’ to me, an’ especially for de benefit o’ de old whiskery 
mug dat seemed to be enjoyin’ it so much. 

“ When I got to de end o’ me talk an’ advised dem not to 
miss seein’ de wobbly dance, de old mug was de foyst one on de 
line to buy his ticket, an’ wen I seen him scootin’ up-stairs, I says 
to meself, ‘ He’s good for de hull day, an’ dat’s a cinch, sure ; ’ an’ 
I went on ropin’ in udder jays till de place was packed wid a 
howlin’ mob, an’ de chief Toik wus as happy as a clam. 

“ But I made a great mistake about de old mug ; he wasn’t in- 
side more dan ten minutes, wen he come out de back way, lookin’ 
pooty mad. I stopped him, an’ I says, ^ Wot’s de matter, uncle, 
ain’t yer feelin’ extra well to-day, or wus de atmosphere too warm 
up-stairs for yer delicate constitution ? ’ 

He never said a woyd to me, but put down de Midway as 
hard as he could go, an’ I made up me mind dat de show was too 
rich for his blood, an’ dat he wus makin’ tracks for home as fast 
as his legs could carry him, so’s he could get his toothbrush an’ 
wash de slate-colored taste out of his mout. 

Well, along about 4 o’clock in de afternoon, de boss come 
to me an’ he says, ‘ Dusty, you’ll have to stop yer barkin’ for a 
while.’ ‘ What for ? ’ I says, ‘ de teayter ain’t full, is it ? ’ ^ No,’ he 
says, ‘ but de show has been hoodoed. Do you remember dat mug 
dat you wus havin’ so much fun wid dis mornin’ ? ’ I says, ‘ Yes; 
but what’s has dat got to do wit it ? ’ ‘ Dat’s got everyt’ing to do 
wit it,’ he says, ‘ an’ I’ll tell you de reason why ; who do you 
suppose dat innocent-lookin’ old duck wus ? ’ 

“ ^ Well,’ I says, ‘ I dunno ; he looked like a farmer to me, or a 
backwoods preacher.’ 

‘ Yer off yer trolley, altogedder, dis time, cully ;’ he says, 
‘ he wusn’t no backwoods jayhawker ; he wus nobody more or 
less dan Antony Comstock, of New York, de great moral crank ; 
he come here dis afternoon an’ raised de devil about de hull show; 
he said de dance wus bad enough, but dat your description of it 
was ten times worse ; I tried to bluff him, but it was no go ; he 
said I’d have to stop you from lecturin’ out in front, and besides 
eider to tone down de dance or stop it altogedder ; he wanted me 
to shut up de place right away, but I wouldn’t listen to him ; so 
we come to a compromise, an’ I agreed to suppress yourself an’ 
Farida, de star dancer ; and he said he’d be in in a day or so, to 
see dat I kep me woyd.’ 

“ Well, you could ’a’ knocked me down wit a fedder. I wus 
so surprised dat I could’t speak ; to tink o’ me bein’ taken in by 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


189 


a sharp like Comstock, in dat plum easy way, made me sick, an’ 
I spent an hour an’ a half kickin’ meself for not knowin’ any 
better dan to make such a fool o’ meself.” 

‘ Well,’ I says to de chief Toik, ‘ wot am I goin’ to do, an’ 
wot’s to become o’ me juicy salary as a lecturer ? ’ 

“ ‘ Well,’ he says, ‘ I’m sorry. Dusty, but I’ll have to toin you 
dbwn for a while, until dis ting blows over. I’ll keep every- 
ting dead respectable for a while, an’ den wen Comstock goes 
back to New York we’ll make up for lost time by havin’ de 
dance fiercer dan ever, an’ you kin add any fancy touches to de 
lecture dat you please ; in de mean time you kin look for anudder 
job, but don’t try de lecturin’ game, because if you do you’ll git 
pulled, sure ; for Antony is dead onto you, see ? ’ 

“ Well, he paid me wot he owed me an’ I left him dat after- 
noon, an’ I started out to find anudder job ; de foyst place I 
struck wus de Sout’ Sea Island Village ; I seen de manager of it 
an’ asked him if he wanted to hire any one; an’ he says, ‘Well, 
if youse are willin’ to make up as a native an’ take part in de 
stage performances. I’ll take you on ; one o’ my men is sick, an’ 
I’ll give you $6 a week an’ yer board, if you’re willin’ to go me.’ 

“ I knowed very well dat I couldn’t expect to get any sich 
wages for supin’ as I wusgittin’ as a lecturer, so I says, ‘ Well, if 
you make dat figure seven instid o’ six, I’ll take you up.’ 

“ Well, we squabbled over it for half an hour, an’ he finally 
agreed to gimme six seventy-five a week, and sent me in to a 
rehearsal dat was goin’ on. 

“ When I got in I wus sorry I made de bargain ; dere wus a 
hull gang o’ brown-skinned pluguglies in dere bare skin almost, 
dancin’ a war dance on de stage an’ jabberin’ away in a for’n lan- 
guage dat I could’t make head or tale of to save me neck. 

“ One of de men took me into a tent, an’ wen I took off me 
clothes, he got a pot o’ brown paint an’ gimme a coat of it all 
over an’ leit me out in de sun to dry off. I wuz as mad as 
blazes, but wot could I do ? I had to woik at somethin’, an’ as I 
alwuss had a wish to be an actor from de time I foyst stole 15 
out o’ de old woman’s pocket-book an’ sneaked down to Hyde & 
Behinan’s, I called it square, an’ wen de paint wus dry I went 
in an’ started to loin how to do de war dance. 

“ It took me a hull day to loin de dance, an’ even den I wusn’t 
poifect ; I used to forgit an’ git in de way o’ de udder fellers, an’ 
many a crack on de shin I got from dere clubs on account of it, 
an’ it was no fun, I kin tell yer. 


190 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


‘‘ One day I was after havin’ a glass o' beer or two, an’ wns 
a little unsteady on me feet, an’ while we wus dancin’ around I 
happened to bunk into one o’ de savages extra hard, an’ he got 
riley an’ he up wit his club an’ he hit me one in de neck. 

Well, of course, I wusn’t goin’ to stand dere like a dummy 
an’ let him hammer me, so I ups wid me own club an’ fetches it 
down on top of his old cocoanut ; but I might as well be hittin’ a 
stone. Dem fellers has the hardest heads I ever seen, but I fetched 
him one or two good ones on de body, an’ he hit back wit all his 
might, an’ I was afraid I was goin’ to git de woyst of it, wen de 
hull mob, about twenty o’ dem, piled on like dey do in a foot- 
ball match, an’ yelled an’ screamed an’ howled, an’ de audience 
clapped, because dey tought it wus in de play, see ? But de man- 
ager come in, an’ when he seen wot de trouble wus he gimme me 
six seventy-five an’ told me to take a sneak, as long as I couldn’t 
behave meself ; I tried to tell him how it wus, but he chased me 
before I could open me trap. 

“ I put on me duds an’ went into de fair grounds an’ found a 
wash-house, an’ started in washin’ dat paint on me face an’ hands ; 
it took me about two hours to git dem clean, an’ even den dey 
weren’t so extra clean eider. Den I went back to de Midway an’ 
I went into de Irish village, an’ I put on a brogue as tick as a 
mattress, an’ asked to see de manager. He come out, an’ I told 
him I wus de son of one o’ de best jig dancers in Ireland, an’ 
offered to do a toin for him six times a day for fifteen a week. 

“ He said he needed an extra jigger, but he couldn’t hire me 
unless I'd agreed to dance fifteen times a day for $10 a week ; I 
gave him an argument about it, an’ finally he come up to twelve 
bones a week an’ a place to sleep, wit de privilege of eatin’ meself, 
as he said, an’ I signed a contract wit him right away. 

“ I began to woik in de Irish village de next mornin’, an’ I 
tell youse it was a tough job, dancin’ away an’ yellin’ at de top 
o’ me voice, tryin’ to raise a laugh from de gang o’ Yanks sittin’ 
around, an’ makin’ de real Irish people, dat strayed in once in a 
while, sick, because dey could see right away dat I was a fake. 

‘‘ One mornin’ I got kinder gay, an’ commenced to sample 
some o’ de Irish whisky dey had dere, an’ it tasted so good dat I 
swallied four glasses of it, an’ it queered me right away. I couldn’t 
stand up to save me neck, an’ when de boss seen how it wus he 
gimme me money an’ sent me about me business. I wusn’t very 
sorry, because I was tired woikin’ so hard all day, an’ 1 knowed I 
could git a snap if I only looked long enough. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


191 


“ De next place 1 tackled wus de Chinese teayter ; de man- 
ager said he wus lookin’ for some one to play de cymbals, an’ I 
says I can’t do dat, because I don’t know nuttin’ about music ; 
dat’s all right, says de Chinee, you don’t need to know nuttin’ 
about music ; jist hit de cymbals togedder once in a while an’ 
make lots o’ noise ; but you’ll have to have yer face stained yaller 
an’ wear a pigtail, he says, or you can’t woikin de band. 

‘‘Well. I wusn’t kickin’ about a little ting like a pigtail an’ 
some yaller paint, after all I’d been tru, so I let dem do me 
up, an’ I looked like a pitcher off a tea chest wen dey got me 
finished ; den dey gimme a pair o’ brass cymbals an’ told me to 
fire away. 

“ I had a gallus time while I wus dere. I loined a hull lot o’ 
Chinee woids an’ I felt jist like one o’ demselves. 

“ One evenin’ while I was waitin’ for de show to begin, I seen 
a bottle stickin’ out o’ de pocket o’ one o’ de Chinees. I swiped 
it an’ took a good drink an’ fell in a trance. 

“ I woke up two days later with a head on me like an ale bar- 
rel it wms so big, an’ dey told me dat de stuff I swigged wms 
medicine for makin’ you sleep, an’ dat I swallowed enough to 
kill a man, an’ dat only I wus so tough I’d a been a gone goose. 

“ Dey said dey had to hire anudder man in me place an’ dat 
I’d have to go, so I put on me reg’lar clothes an’ left de Chinese 
teayter, an’ went out into de Midway wit a face on me de color 
of a lemon.” 


192 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


CHAPTEE XLII. 

Dusty Kecounts Some More of His Strange Adventures. 

“ Well/’ Dusty went on, ^‘youse kin jist imagine me feelin’s, 
chucked out of a job jist when I wus beginnin’ to understand me 
business poifectly. I never felt so foolish in me life, ’pon me 
woyd. 

Dere I wus, wit me face all stained up wit yaller paint an’ 
me eyebrows all marked up wit black pencils, so’s to make me 
look like a Chinee, an’ de rest o’ me lookin’ jist like I alwuss 
looked ; I tell youse it wus tough. 

I didn’t walk more dan five feet before I was follied be a 
big gang o’ jays, dat began makin’ remarks about me looks, till I 
felt as sick as a dog, an’ I toined around an’ challenched any tree 
o’ dem to step out till I cud wipe up de ground wit dem, but I 
guess I looked so savage in me war paint dat dey were all afraid 
to tackle me, an’ all dey did wus guy me, until dere wus sich a 
big crowd gaddered dat I couldn’t move one way or de udder. 

“ Jist about dis time one o’ de Columbian guards steps up to 
see wot de row wus about, an’ wen he seen he laughed so dat I 
wus afraid he’d split in two, but he didn’t ; he called a pal o’ his, 
an’ one o’ dem got on each side o’ me, an’ in spite o’ me kickin’ 
dey yanked me off to de Woild’s Fair station-house. 

Wen de sargent seen me he give a yell an’ almost went into 
a fit of hy strikes, but after a half an hour or so he come to, an’ 
asked de guard wot de ti-ouble was. 

“ He says : ‘ De prisoner wus raisin’ a crowd an’ disturbin’ de 
peace. ’ ‘ Xuttin’ o’ de kind, sargent,’ I says. ‘ He’s way off his 
trolley. I wusn’t doin’ nuttin’ o’ de sort.’ 

Den I explained how it wus dat I come to be out dere in de 
Midway, wit me face done up in dat crazy fashion, an’ he said 
he’d believe me, because he could see me good honest face shinin’ 
out tru de yaller paint. See ? Gee, whiz ! wen I heard dat I 
almost dropped dead. 

‘ Well,’ de sargent says, ^ we’ll have to keep you here till it 
gits dark, because if we let you go now de crowd ’ll gadder round 
yer, an’ de same trouble ’ll happen again.’ 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


193 


Well, Pm satisfied,’ I says, ‘ but if any o’ dem jay-liawkers 
gives me any back talk I’ll smash him in de jaw, even if I git 
six months for it. Dis is wot a man gits for tryin’ to make an 
honest livin,’ I says, jist to make a good bluff wit de sargent, an’ 
he winked his udder eye, an’ he says, ‘ Right you are, me boy.’ 

‘‘ Well, dere I had to stay till de night time, an’ when de 
lights wus lit dey let me go, an’ I muffled up me face, an’ made 
tracks for the Midway right away. 

De foyst place I stopped at wus. Hagenbeck’s, where de 
trained animals wus on exhibition. I went into de office an’ 1 
braced the manager for a job ; well, he gimme the same game as 
I’d been gittin’ all day long ; he laughed right out in me face, 
an’ only he wus so big and strong, an’ in de business of tamin’ 
lions an’ tigers, I’d a smashed him in the jaw for bein’ so fresh. 

“ When he got tru laughin’ he says : ^ You must excuse 
me, young feller. I meant no offense, but yer face struck me as 
bein’ so comical dat I couldn’t help bustin’ right out ; how did 
yer come to be sich a sight ? ’ 

“ I explained it all to him, an’ while I wus talkin’ he says, 
all of a sudden : ‘ If you want to come to woik here I’ll pay you 
$12.5U a week, if you’ll do as I say.’ 

‘ I’m willin’ to woik at anything,’ I says, ^ except where 
dere’s danger. I ain’t stuck on de appearance o’ me head jist 
now,’ I says, ‘ but I wouldn’t put it into de lion’s mout for twice 
dat salary, an’ don’t you forgit it. See?’ 

‘‘ ‘ Oh, no ; ’ he says, ‘ we don’t want you to take no risks like 
dat at all ; but I’ll tell you jist wot we want you for. It’s an 
easy job, an’ all you’ll have to do is to let yer face stay as it is 
an’ follow my instructions.’ 

^ All right,’ I says ; ‘ let her go. I’m wit yer.’ 

^ Well,’ he says, ‘ we have every kind of trained animals here, 
an’ de most o’ dem kin do nearly everyting but talk an’ laugh, 
hlow what I want you to do is to go an’ sit in front o’ de animals’ 
cages, an’ jist look at dem all day long, an’ see if yon kin make 
dem laugh. We’ve tried everyting on earth to make dem do it, 
but so far we haven’t succeeded even in makin’ dem smile, an’ if 
your make-up doesn’t do de business, den I’ll give it up as a bad 
job.’ 

Of course I felt kind of insulted at de idea at foyst, but I 
tought I might as well take him up, even if he wus bluffin ; so I 
walked into de place where de animals wus caged, an’ as soon 

13 


194 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


as cley laid eyes on me dey began to raise a distoybance dat yon 
could hear a mile away. 

De lions laid right down in dere cages an’ bellowed, an’ de 
tigers done de same, an’ de wolves howled as if dere hull family 
was dead at onct, an’ de leopards jumped up an’ down an’ changed 
dere spots, an’ de hull business got so demoralized dat de manager 
hustled me out o’ de place on de double quick for fear de beasts 
’ud break loose an’ come out an’ chew us all up. 

“ ‘ I’m afraid you will not be a success as a laughin’ teacher,’ 
he says, ‘ but it ain’t your fault. I’m sorry I gave you so much 
trouble, but here’s a dollar for yer attempt.’ 

“ I took de dollar an’ went out again into de cold, cold world 
to seek me fortune once more. 

‘‘ When I got outside I stopped for a few minutes to look at 
de Ferris wheel goin’ round. While I was lookin’ at it it stopped 
an’ didn’t begin turnin’ again. All de people in de cars began to 
scream, an’ de excitement wus high. 

“ All of a sudden Ferris seen me an’ when he did he says, ‘ It’s 
no wonder de wheel stopped runnin’ ! Look at dat face ! ’ 

“ He pointed at me an’ de hull mob got onto me'an’ I had to 
toin round an’ run for me life. When me back was toined to de 
wheel it commenced runnin’ just de same as ever, an’ I heard 
afterwards dat it was because de hoodoo wus removed. 

happened to run into a museum for safety, and when de 
boss o’ de place laid his lamps on me he says, ‘ Where did you 
escape from ? ’ An’ den I wus obliged to go tni ail dat business 
of explainin’ all over again, an’ when de musee boss heard me 
story, a sudden idea struck him, an’ he says, ^ Have youse any ob- 
jections to goin’ on exhibition ? ’ I says ‘ No, because I got to earn 
me livin’ some way, an’ as long as I’m a freak, I might as well be 
drawin’ a salary as makin’ an exhibition o’ meself for nuttin.’ 

‘ Well,’ he says, ‘I’ll give you twenty-five a week if you 
allow me to bill you as de greatest monstrosity of de nineteent’ 
century. 

“ ‘ It don’t make a bit o’ difference to me wot you put on de 
bills,’ I says, ‘as long as I git me bills at de end o’ de week. Go 
right ahead.’ 

“ He made me sign a contract. I wus to git twenty-five a 
a week an’ me board, because I didn’t want to stir out*o’ de place 
till I could make enough to pay a doctor to bleach me skin an’ 
straighten out de tangles in me face, so’s dat I look somet’in’ like 
a human bein’. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


195 


‘‘ De next day de boss liad bills pasted all over de place like dis : 
Here Dusty unfolded a large poster, which read as follows : 

NOW ON EXHIBITION INSIDE: 
‘‘GOWANUSTICUS,” 

The Chinese-Irish Mystery, 

A Living Illustration of the Necessity of 
Enforcing the Chinese Exclusion Act ! 


‘‘ Well, we done a fine business,” Dusty went on, after the 
three attentive listeners had read the bill, an’ de boss w^as feelin’ 
immense. He used to deliver lectures on me twelve times a day 
to de jays, tellin’dem dat me fader was a Chinee an’ dat me mud- 
der was Irish ; an’ holdin’ my case up as an example of de evils 
of Chinese emigration ; it used to make me mad, de way he used 
to poke fun at me, but den I wus gittin’ me twenty -five an’ tree 
squares a day, an’ of course I couldn’t kick. 

‘I used to talk a language o’ me own, a mixture of Toikish, 
Chinese, Irish an’ English, an’ some o’ de smartest men in de 
woild used to come in dere an’ look at me an’ go out, shakin’ dere 
heads, wonderin’ wot I was. 

“ One mornin’ after I’d been dere about two weeks, me face 
began to feel kinder itchy, an’ I took a bottle o’ vaseline belong- 
in’ to de boss’ wife, an’ I smeared it all over me face, to see if it 
might make me feel better, and den I took a towel, an’ I wiped 
it off an’ went out into de museean’ Sat down in me regular place. 

“ When de boss come in, he give one look at me an’ he says, 
' Wot fell you been doin’ to yerself ? ’ 

‘ Nuttin’,’ I says, ‘ only I rubbed a little vaseline on me face 
dis mornin’ because it was itchy, an’ I wiped it off wit a towel.’ 

“ ‘ Well,’ he says, ^you wiped yerself out o’ de museum busi- 
ness at de same time. You’re a nice mug, you are ! ’ An’ den he 
takes me over to a lookin’ -glass, an’ I found dat de vaseline had 
took every bit o’ de yeller paint an’ everyting off me face, an’ I 
wus looking jistde same as before I went to woik in de Chinese 
theayter. 

Of course I had to give up me job, but den I felt a good 
deal more comfortable witout dat makeup, because I knowed 
dat when I walked out in de street de hull population wouldn’t 
foller me around. 

“ I got de money dat was owin’ to me an’ waltzed out, an’ de 
foyst one I met wus de Toik dat hired me to lecture in front o’ 
de dance de venture.” 


196 


THE GOWA.NUSIANS. 


CHAPTEK XLIIL 

Dusty Concludes the Stoky of IIis Adventukes at the 

World’s Fair. 

When de boss Toik seen me cornin’ out o’ de inusee,’’ Dusty 
went on, he grinned like a baboon, an’ he come over an’ shook 
hands wit me, an’ he says, ‘ Wot are y’ up to now ? y’ ain’t been 
lecturin’ for dat fake show, have yer ? ’ 

‘^‘Nope,’ I says; ‘I been woikin’ in dere as a freak for de 
last tree weeks.’ 

‘‘ ‘ A freak ! ’ he says, wit his mout’ wide open ; ‘ how’d yer 
come down so low ? ’ 

‘‘ ‘ Aw,’ I says, M had a job in de Chinese teayter as a musi- 
cianer an’ dey done me doyit, lettin’ me drink some stutf like 
knockerout dat put me in a trance for two hull days, an’ wdien I 
come to dey gimme de freeze, see ? ’ 

Well, de Toik didn’t seem to be no wiser dan before, even 
after me explainin’ de reasons to him, but I didn’t bodderrnakin’ 
it any plainer dan I did, becuz if dem bugs can’t loin English 
when dey come to de country, w’y, de best plan is to eider give 
dem a jolly or leave dem in de dark, dat’s all. 

^‘MJow’s de dance de venture goyls?’ I says to him, jist fora 
feeler. 

“‘Out er sight, Dusty,’ he says, ‘oney dey’re all gittin’ awful 
bony, failin’ away, you know, on account o’ not seein’ you since 
Comstock stopped de dancin’ in de Midway ; dey’re all plum 
dead stuck on yer shape, an’ dat’s flat,’ he says, wit a grin like an 
organ-grinder’s monkey. 

“ Well, maybe it’s flat,’ I says, lookin’ him square in de 
lamps, ‘ but it ain’t straight ; you can’t jolly an’ old duck like 
me,’ I says, ^tellin’ him ghost stories like dat, see?’ 

“ ^ Allar be praised ! ’ he says, rollin’ his eyes up at de Ferris 
wheel, which is de way de Toiks have of swearin’ dat wot dey say 
is on de level ; 4t’s de troot, or Pm anudder.’ 

Allar be rats!’ I says, rollin’ me eyes up de same way as 
he done ; ‘ don’t give me any more o’ dat stuflin’ ; save it for 
some jay dat’s never seen Coney Island ; but how about the 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 197 

goyls ? I haven’t seen anyting o’ dem since his wishers Comstock 
jumped on dere necks.’ 

“ Oh,’ he says, ‘ I brung dem right down to Chicago an’ 
started a stag racket entertainment bureau ; I read in a Brooklyn 
paper dat dey had dancin’ goyls at a stag in a fashionable club 
dere, so I made up me mind to see if I couldn’t tind somet’n for 
de goyls to do in a quiet way, an’ I tell you’se I’m makin’ out 
way up in de air. Dusty ; I have more dates on me book dan I 
can fill ; de Chicago clubmen say dat dey’ll see Brooklyn an’ go 
it one better, even if dey have to hock dere undershoyts to do 
it.’ 

“ ‘ Is dere any chance o’ de goyls coinin’ back to de Midway ?’ 
I says, for I wus thinkin’ o’ me snap job an’ me sure pay, lecturin’ 
to de jays. 

‘ Soitenly,’ he says ; ‘ I hoyd yesterday dat Comstock was 
needed back in New York, an’ dat he starts to-morrow ; as soon 
as de train passes de city limits I’ll run de goyls down here on 
de double quick, an’ we’ll start right in, for it’s gittin’ late in de 
season, an’ we got to make up for lost time.’ 

“ ^ You’ll need me, I suppose? ’ I says, kinder doubtful like. 

‘ Why, o’ course, old man,’ he says; we couldn’t tink o’ 
gittin’ along without yer. Unless we have you to do de barkin’ 
de show won’t be one, two, six. Be on de lookout, an’ no matter 
wot kind of a job you have when I open up, chuck it up right 
away an’ come to me, won’t yer?’ 

^ You kin jist bet yer sweet I will,’ I says, an’ wit dat under- 
standin’ he went off. 

He toined around when he was oney a little ways up, an’ 
he come back, an’ he says, ‘ Dusty, you better come wit’ me. I’ll 
give yer somet’n to do in de streets of Cairo w’hile we’re waitin’ 
for Saint Antony to make a sneak to New York.’ 

“ ‘ All right,’ I says, an’ I went wit’ him, an’ he toined me 
over to an old Toik, an’ give him some game o’ talk in Toikish, 
an’ de old mug took me into a house an’ picked out a white suit, 
or, to tell de troot, it wus white once, but wus almost black, an’ 
he made motions dat I was to put it on. 

“ Well, I did, an’ when I wus all dressed he took a bottle o’ 
stuff an’ done me up brown ; gee, I didn’t know meself when I 
piked in de glass ; I looked on de bum for fair ; but I didn’t 
give a hang. I knowed it wus money in me clothes to stick to his 
nibs de boss Toik, so I let de bloke fix me up any way he liked. 
When I came out de boss took me over to a place where dere 


198 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


was a mug makin’ some kind o’ sticky candy ; he took a hunk of 
it an’ give it to me, an’ he says, ‘ Eat dis ; it won’t do yer a bit o’ 
good.’ 

“ Well, I ate it, an’ de stuff tasted so rotten dat I had to make 
faces at myself for five minutes. 

‘ How do you like de candy ?’ says de boss. 

“‘Well,’ I says, ‘if youse’ll excuse me for sayin’ so, I tink 
it’s on de bum,’ at de same time makin’ a bow. 

“ De boss must ’a’ took a wrong meanin’ out o’ wot I said, 
becuz he clapped his hands, an’ he says ‘ Bum, bum, bum, bum, 
bum candy ; I’m glad you like it, becuz I’m goin’ to have you 
here sellin’ it, an’ you must loin to sing dis song, so’s to draw a 
crowd.’ 

“ Den he gimme dis slip o’ paper,” said Dusty, as he drew a 
dirty piece of writing paper from his vest pocket, and handed it to 
Jigsy, who read with a good deal of squinting and struggling the 
following rhyme : 

Bum, bum candy ; bum, bum candy, 

You find him vera handy ; 

Sweet as honey, not cost much money ; 

Ta-ra-ra-bum, bum candy. 

“ I loined de song in less than half a shake, an’ I tell youse I 
sung it out o’ sight. I sold more o’ de candy dan dey ever sold 
dere before, an’ de candy maker wus dead sore on me for bein’ 
so popular, becuz it kep him busy makin’ de stuff all day long, 
an’ all he wus ketchin’ was thoity cents a day an’ his board. 

“ I found out before I wus dere a day dat bum in Toikish 
means good, an’ dat dat was de reason for de Toik bein’ so pleased 
when I said de candy wus on de bum. 

“ I got along o k at the bum, bum candy stand, but one 
day I caught cold an’ me pipes froze up, an’ I couldn’t make a 
sound to save me neck. 

“ When de boss seen de way I wus fixed he says to me, ‘ I’ll 
have to change youse around to-day, as long as you aint able to 
sing ; I’ll put you on de camel stand, an’ all you’ll have to do is 
to lift people on an’ off de camels’ backs when dey take a ride.’ 
Gee! When I hoid dat I thought I’d jump out o’ me skin ; it 
wus jist de snap I wus lookin’ for. I used to watch dose low 
down mugs of Toiks liftin’ de pretty goyls on an’ off de camels’ 
backs, an’ I often tought if I oney had dat job I wouldn’t give it 
up for de presidency o’ de hull fair. 

“ I tell youse, I had the swell elegantest time of me life de 


THE GOWANUSIANS, 


199 


foyst day I wiis woikiii’ alongside de camels. I never seen so 
many ‘ peaches ’ in me life, an’ den jist link o’ de fun of grabbin’ 
dem around de waist an’ liftin’ dem up body an’ bones onto de 
camels’ back, an’ given’ dem an odd squeeze jist for luck ; I tell 
youse it wus immense ! 

Some o’ de goyls wus so scary dat de minute I’d grab dem 
by de waist dey’d git frightened an’ trow dere arms around me 
neck, an’ hang on, de same as if dey wus drownin’, while de fel- 
lers dat wus wit dem, or dere mudders an’ faders, ud look so 
disgusted dat you’d tink I was goin’ to steal de fairies away from 
dem. I used to have great fun wit de squeamish goyls, de kind 
dat never allowed a young feller to put his arm around dere 
waist in dere lives, you know ; dey used to decline de pleasure 
of my assistance, an’ den dey’d try to climb up on de camel’s back 
by demselves, an’ I used to lay back an’ laugh at dem, an’ when 
dey’d get out o’ breath I’d grab dem an’ hist dem up so quick 
dat dey didn’t know wot struck dem, an’ I’d give dem sich a 
squeeze dat de chances are in nine cases out o’ ten I broke some 
o’ de bones — if not in dere body, in dere corsets, anyway. 

‘‘ We used to have to put de feet o’ de passengers into a kind 
of a stirrup, an’ it wus necessary for de goyls to chuck dere legs 
around de hump on de camel’s back in order to be able to hang 
on while de camel wus walkin’ ; some o’ de squeamish fairies 
used to kick like steers about dis arrangement, but I used to jist 
grab dere feet an’ fix dem on right in spite o’ demselves, because 
if dey fell off an’ got killed dey’d say it wus my fault. De only 
part o’ de game where dere was no fun was when we had a fat 
woman dat wanted to ride ; dey generally used to get a gigglin’ 
fit on dat made dem so wobbly on dere feet dat we had all we 
could do to lift dem. De fact is, I generally used to be very 
busy when I seen one o’ dem cornin’, so’s dat some o’ de reglar 
Toiks ud havede pleasure o’ liftin’ dem, while I laid for anyt’ing 
very choice, an’ made de most o’ me chances. 

Of course, de boss intended to put me back in de bum bum 
candy stall when me cold got better, but I took good care dat it 
didn’t get better ; whenever I felt me voice cornin’ back I jist 
soaked me feet in cold water, shoes an’ all, an’ went to bed dat 
way, an’ de nex’ mornin’ I wus jist as bad as ever. It wus while 
I wus mindin’ the camel passengers dat I met Mrs. Mulgrew ; I 
wus so glad to see a Go wan us face dat I went up an’ spoke to 
her, an’ near scared her out of her wits. Well, one mornin’, 
when I wus jist helpin’ a regular daisy to git up on de back of 


200 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


one o’ de camels, de boss come ninniii’ in, an’ lie says, ‘ Hurry 
dat up, Dusty ; I want to speak to yer.’ Well, I wus sorry to 
liave to let go o’ de fairy, slie was a jim lulu ; but I passed her 
over to one o’ de udder mugs, and follied de boss into his office. 

‘Dusty,’ he says, ‘I want you to dust right into yer bunk, 
an’ put on yer American clothes. I managed to beat Comstock 
at bis own game. I went to de managers o’ de fair, an’ I told 
dern dat de fair ud be a failure unless my dance de venture wus 
allowed to go on, an’ after a good deal o’ talk dey come to look 
at it in de same way, an’ dey told me to go ahead, an’ not to bod- 
der about Comstock at all ; so we open at de old stand dis evenin’, 
an’ you kin have yer old posish an’ yer old salarj^ from now till 
de end o’ de fair.’ 

“ Well, I didn’t take much time to tink over it, for I wus 
gettin’ kinder sick o’ de camel job, becuz dat week it seems to 
me dere wus nuttin’ but men an’ fat old women ridin’ ; so 1 got 
out o’ me Toikish togs in pooty quick time, an’ into me regular 
clothes ; but when I come to try an’ wash de brown paint off me 
mug de blame stuff wouldn’t come off, but it didn’t matter much ; 
in fact, it wus a kind of an improvement; so I didn’t bodder 
about it. Well, I began lecturin’ dat night, an’ kep it up wit de 
same success right to de end o’ de fair, an’ de boss wus as good as 
gold to me ; I seen dozens o’ Brooklyn mugs sneakin’ in to see 
de dance, but I never said nuttin’ to dem, becuz dey wus havin’ 
dere fun, an’ I wus giftin’ me good money for steerin’ dem an’ 
udders like dem into de place. When de fair wus over, ineself 
an’ de dance de venture goyls an’ de boss all come to New York 
togedder, an’ we started to run de show dere, but de police 
stopped it, an’ now I’m out of a job. But de boss is tinkin’ of 
takin’ de outfit out o’ town, an’ if he does I’ll be wit him sure.” 

Here Dusty glanced at the clock, and making some remark 
about not knowing it was so late, and that he had an engagement 
in New York, he took up his cigar, lit it, and saying “Ta ta ” 
to his friends, walked out, leaving Mr. Mulgrew, Jigsy and Slob 
gazing at each other in a sort of trance. 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


201 


CHAPTER XLIY. 

Mks. Mulgkew and Mary Ann Go to the Food Exposition. 

One morning in the early part of last week as Mrs. McBran- 
nigan was returning from the butcher store, with a fine piece of 
corned beef on one arm and a head of cabbage in her left hand, 
she met Mrs. Mulgrew, who was walking very slowly in the 
direction of the German grocery store. 

‘‘ Good-mornin’, Mrs. Mulgrew,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, 
pleasantly ; “ an’ how is ivery tether lenth o’ ye, this blessed 
mornin’ ? ” 

Mrs. Mulgrew’s face took on that peculiar expression which 
is usually assumed by people when they are looking for sympathy, 
and in a whining voice she answered : 

“ Faith, ’tis a fine lot o’ neighbors I have around me here ; I 
might be dead an’ buried widout any o’ thim findin’ it out, so I 
might, an’ that’s the truth.” 

An’ wor ye sick, Mrs. Mulgrew ?’’ asked Mrs. McBrannigan. 
“ That’s the first 1 heerd of it ; I didn’t see no docthor’s wagon 
shtoppin’ in front of yer dure this week, an’ how in the world 
cud ye expect me to know ye worn’t well ? ” 

Phwhy, ye might know, ph whin ye didn’t see me out on the 
sthreet ivery day that there was somethin’ the matther wid me,” 
said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a slight show of temper. 

“That’s so,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, “that’s so. I did miss 
ye, to tell the truth, but Pve been so busy for the lasht couple o’ 
weeks that 1 didn’t have the time to consider phwhat might be 
the throuble wid ye.’’ 

“Well,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, “ we always wor good frinds, an’ 
I hope we’ll continue so as long as the Lord laves us here.’’ 

“ I hope so, too,” said Mrs. McBrannigan ; “ but ye niver 
towld me phwdiat ailed ye lasht week phwhin ye wor laid up. 
W as it the ould complaint, fatty degingeration o’ the heart ? ” 

“ Oh, no,” answered Mrs. Mulgrew ; “ ’twas nothin’ as sarious 
as that ; but phwhile I had the attack I was afeard I was goin’ to 
die, an’ siveral times I was on the point of sindin’ for a lawyer to 
make me will, an’ a doctlior an’ a priest to finish up me other 


202 


THE GOWANUSTANS. 


affairs, but, thanks be to goodness, I managed to pull through, 
an’ if I only have gumption enough to take care o’ meself, I’m 
good for another phwhile, I guess.” 

Was it a cowld ye caught ?” asked Mrs. McBrannigan, with 
a rising inflection in her voice, which sliowed how interested she 
was in Mrs. Mulgrew’s welfare. 

No, no ; me sickness was brought on be pure foolishness,” 
replied Mrs. Mulgrew, ‘‘ jusht the same as phwhin I was laid up 
afther me bicycle ride, an’ me exparience at the bowlin’ club. I 
thought I had some sinse left afther those things, but I found 
out I had less than before.” 

“ An’ phwhat in the name o’ goodness have ye been doin’ 
now ? ” asked Mrs. McBrannigan, with some curiosity. 

“ Nothin’ more or less than atin’ phwhat didn’t agree wid me 
blood,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew. ‘‘ 1 wint to the food show lasht 
week.” 

‘‘ The food show ?” said Mrs. McBrannigan. Phwhat the 
divil is the food show ? ’’ 

Oh, ’tis an affair they do have ivery year, in a big buildin’ 
over on the other side of Brooklyn,” replied Mrs. Mulgrew ; “ an’ 
a very enjoyable affair, too, in some ways.” 

An’ how did ye come to get sick afther visitin’ the food 
show ? ” asked Mrs. McBrannigan. 

‘AVell, listen, an’ I’ll tell ye all about it,” said Mrs. Mulgrew. 
‘‘ Wan avenin’ lasht week I sint Mary Ann over to the grocery 
shtore for a few things, an’ phwhin she kem back she says, 
^ Maw, the grocer med me a present of two tickets for the food 
show; would you like to go?’ ‘Would a pig squeal if he was 
caught undher a gate?’ says I. ‘Of course I’ll go; shure I 
haven’t been to a blessed place since I kem home from the 
World’s Fair.’ ‘ All right,’ says she, ‘ we’ll shtart right afther 
supper.’ 

“ So phwhin the supper was over, we washed ourselves an’ I 
put on me Sunday clothes, an’ off we wint. We rode in the ille- 
vated road for a long time an’ thin we got out, an afther a short 
walk we kem to the food show. Mary Ann gev up the tickets, 
an’ we wint in. Well, the place was jammed wid people, jusht 
like the buildin’s at the World’s Fair, an’ I had great throuble 
pushin’ me way around at flrst, but afther a phwhile some o’ the 
people went home, an’ that left more room for thim that was 
there. 

“ Phwhin we wint in the dure a man wid a big nose an’ a bunch 


THE GOWAJSrUSIANS. 


203 


o’ gray hair on his chin handed each of ns a bag. ‘ Phwhat’s this 
for/ says I to him. ‘ That’s to carry home your samples in, 
ma’am/ says he. ‘ Oh, well, if it is,’ says I, ‘ I’m ranch obliged 
to ye.’ An’ he gev me such a sick smile, that I was goin’ to let 
him have a swipe across the jaw wid his ould bag, but the crowd 
was pushin’ by so fasht that I was carried away before I could 
say ^ boo.’ 

‘‘ The first place we wint into was a room phwhere a woman 
wid a phwhite apron on was givin’ a lecthyer on cookin’. Now, 
there’s no man, woman or child or naygur that can gimme any 
points on cookin’. I cooked in some o’ the finest families in New 
York for a good many years before I was married, an’ although 
I do say it myself, I could tache any tacher that iver tried to 
tache cookin’, even if he kem out of Delmonico’s own kitchen. 

Well, we sat down in the cookin’ school, an’ the tacher be- 
gan to let off a rigmarole about cookin’ potatoes. Well, the 
longer I lishtened to her the more disgushted I was gettin’, 
until finally I couldn’t shtand it any longer, an’ I shtood up 
an’ I says, ‘You’ll excuse me, ma’am, for saying so, but you 
don’t know no more about cookin’ potatoes than a Gowanus 
billy goat does about playin’ baseball ; jusht allow me to explain 
to the ladies and gintlemin how a murphy should be cooked, 
an’ I’ll open their eyes.’ 

But instid of gettin’ down off her perch an’ lettin’ me 
talk, that knew somethin’ about cookin’, she let a scream out 
of her as if some one had shtuck a knife in her gizzard, an’ 
fainted away, an’ the whole gang comminced to laugh. 

In a few minutes a man kem in an’ axed phwhat the matther 
was, an’ phwhin I towld him, he says to me, ‘Madam, the besht 
thing you can do is to walk around an’ look at some o’ the things 
ye don’t know so much about, an’ lave this lecture business alone.’ 
I saw there was a crowd gatherin’ round, an’ I thought I might 
as well move on, bekase Mary Ann always does a Frinch fit 
phwhiniver I do anything that gathers a crowd ; she says it makes 
her so imbarrassed that she feels like failin’ through the fiure. 

“Thin we shtarted on the round o’ the hall, an’ I tell ye ’twas 
wondherful to see the different places all piled up wid different 
kinds o’ shtuff for atin’ an’ dhrinkin’, wid lovely young gerruls 
explainin’ about the different things, an’ givin’ out samples to 
ivery w^an that kem along. 

‘‘The way thim people behaved was a shame an’ a disgrace. 
Phwhy, they almost tore the clothes off wan another’s backs thryin’ 


204 


THE GOWANUSIA^iS. 


to get free packages o’ shtiiff to carry home, an’ it was only the 
shtrongest wans that wor able to get anything at all. 

‘‘ I soon got into the way that was the besht for gettin’ plinty 
o’ samples. I jusht pushed right an’ left wid me elbows, an’ 
thim that didn’t get out o’ me way in quick time got hurted ; 
faith, ’twould do ye good to see the black looks some o’ thim 
weazened up little Yanks gev me phwhin I shoved thim out o’ 
the way an’ grabbed the samples that they wor waitin’ mebbe 
half an hour to get, an’ gev thim to Mary Ann to put in the bag 
to take home. 

“ But ’twas the samples that I ate on the spot that raised the 
divil wid me insides ; ye see, I was injoyin’ meself so well that I 
niver thought o’ phwhat might happen aftherwards, an’ I ate 
i very thing that was handed to me, jusht like the rest o’ the 
women. First I swallied a hot biscuit, med wid some kind o’ 
bakin’ powdher ; thin I ate a couple o’ pancakes wid sugar on 
thim ; afther that I dhrank a cup o’ chocolate an’ a cup o’ cocoa ; 
thin I dhrank a little bowl o’ soup, med from a patent exthract o’ 
beef ; then I ate a couple o’ jam tarts that were given away to 
advertise some kind o’ flour. I followed that up wid a glass o’ 
root beer an’ a spoonful o’ salad dhressin’ ; thm 1 had some 
cooked corned beef an’ a slice o’ some new kind of English break- 
fast bacon, washed down wid a cup of Japan tay ; afther that I 
ate some soda crackers an’ two or three pickles an’ dhrank a glass 
o’ cidher ; thin I ate a handful o’ prunes an’ a few raisins and cur- 
rants an a couple o’ pieces o’ molasses taflFy ; thin I had some con- 
dinsed milk an’ a few pickled walnuts an’ a piece o’ cheese, an’ 
some ice-crame, an’ some ginger snaps, an’ some boneless codflsh, 
an’ some stirabout, an’ a salt herrin’, an’ a few sardines, an’ a 
plate o’ Boshton baked beans, an’ some chow chow, an some plum 
puddin’, an’ a lot o’ canned lobsther, an’ some butthermilk, an 
a whole lot of other things that I can’t remimber jusht now. 

They all wint down very beautifully, but phwhin I got 
home they comminced raisin’ a regular Lannigan's ball wid me 
stomach ; I tell ye, the heart throuble was a regular picnic along 
side o’ phwhat I wint through, an’ I was takin’ casthor-oil for flve 
days before I got rid o’ the taste o’ the different things I ate. 
To-day is the first day I’ve been able to go out, an’ I’m goin’ up 
now to give that Dutchman a layin’ out for givin’ Mary Ann the 
tickets for the food show, bekase if he didn’t give her the tickets 
we wouldn’t have gone there, an’ I wouldn’t have been laid up in 
lavendher for the pasht week.” 


THE GOWANUSIANS. 


205 


Well,” said Mrs. McBrannigan, ‘‘as long as ye have business 
to attind to I won’t be detainin’ ye. I have to hurry home, any- 
way, to cook the dinner. Maud an’ meself are goin’ down-town 
to buy some things this afthemoon, so I’ll say good-mornin’.” 

Good-mornin’,” said Mrs. Mulgrew, with a smile, as she 
went on her way to the German grocery to give the threatened 
“ laying-out ” to the proprietor, who is so used to Mrs. Mulgrew’s 
abuse by this time, that her tongue-lashings have no more effect 
on him than a mosquito bite has on the hide of a rhinoceros. 


THE END. 




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